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Have you never heard of an anchor baby? People have children to try to keep a marriage together. It never works.
EXACTLY!
Maybe they had sex ONCE in the last years and she got pregnant.
Baby drama might stop after custody battle and divorce is final. Divorces can take long, 8 months is nothing.
Try to keep their drama out of your relationship - it's not your battle to fight. Give him some happy time and don't let the ex destroy your love. But I agree - proceed with caution, don't be the rebound.
Blunt but honest has arrived. You want a family of your own one day, right? Well when that time comes wouldn't you prefer a man who isn't already paying for one? It's an unfortunate financial dilemma that will undoubtedly effect the quality of your future life ,especially concerning children
You have a good point here.
It's not like he's already divorced and in a pattern of paying child support so the OP could properly gauge how much that would affect a family they could have together.
I'd back off and let him get his divorce sorted out before I put all my eggs (literally) in that basket.
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In my humble opinion people who are not yet divorced should stay out of the dating pool until they've dealt with their divorce all the way to signing those papers. Especially if there are children involved. 3 months is way too fast to be talking about your future and for him to be introducing you to his child. I am divorced and we didn't have any children and it was still a huge mess - always some drama here and there as we tried to untangle our lives from each other. I can't imagine how I would have started a new serious relationship with someone in the midst of so much turmoil.
I am sure this guy really does care about you and I doubt he has any bad intentions, BUT he just has so much going on. How can he even really know what he wants at this point? I dated a few recently divorced guys who were officially divorced and had no contact with their ex, and some of them still just weren't really ready. Not trying to make generalizations here, but in my experience men are more afraid of being alone than women and they are too quick to jump into a new relationship with good intentions perhaps, but for the wrong reasons.
You know what you want. Do you really want to sit around giving him space to work out these issues? I can't tell you what to do and it's so very difficult when your emotions are involved, but you had better be very sure he's worth it.
And what a relationship killer and a traumatic letdown if she stays in her role of mothering hen, confidante and healer of all wounds for months and even years, for him to get himself back to some degree of normalcy and decide she's not "the one" for him. When you needed someone to talk to in your bad period you could have seen a psychologist to help guide you.
Yep. This is a good reason to be a FRIEND to somebody going through a messy divorce, but not a good reason to start a relationship with somebody in the same position.
In my humble opinion people who are not yet divorced should stay out of the dating pool until they've dealt with their divorce all the way to signing those papers. Especially if there are children involved. 3 months is way too fast to be talking about your future and for him to be introducing you to his child. I am divorced and we didn't have any children and it was still a huge mess - always some drama here and there as we tried to untangle our lives from each other. I can't imagine how I would have started a new serious relationship with someone in the midst of so much turmoil.
I am sure this guy really does care about you and I doubt he has any bad intentions, BUT he just has so much going on. How can he even really know what he wants at this point? I dated a few recently divorced guys who were officially divorced and had no contact with their ex, and some of them still just weren't really ready. Not trying to make generalizations here, but in my experience men are more afraid of being alone than women and they are too quick to jump into a new relationship with good intentions perhaps, but for the wrong reasons.
You know what you want. Do you really want to sit around giving him space to work out these issues? I can't tell you what to do and it's so very difficult when your emotions are involved, but you had better be very sure he's worth it.
I dunno. My husband and I started dating while I was going through my divorce. He didn't meet my kids until after the divorce was final, though. We dated for quite a while before we married.
Rushing from one marriage to another seems ill advised, tbough I do know a friend who has gotten very serious with a guy while going through a divorce. Her marriage really has been over for years, though. No intimate contact with the ex. And none with new guy. She's taking it as slowly as she can. No very young kids involved, either. Teens and older.
A 2yo and all that drama would put most people off.
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I agree with the proceed with caution suggestions. Who really ants to talk about or think about marriage and children when they are going through a nasty divorce? He may be a good man, but the timing is awful for both of you. Rebound relationships, although not always intended, are real. He does need a friend right now, but he may not be ready for a serious relationship with someone who wants to get married within the next few years.
Your option to move on for now may be right for both of you. If what you have is right for both of you, he will still want you when he is emotionally ready for what you want. It is hard to understand the up and down emotions of divorce if you have never been through a divorce.
Might be cathartic just for me to write about this, as I am feeling so torn up inside. If anyone has any thoughtful (and positive) advice based on wisdom/experience, etc... thank you.
I've been dating a man, initially very very casually, since about mid-December. In the past few weeks, after going on a few trips together, and spending a lot more time together, we are acting more and more like a serious couple, and we've become exclusive. Initially I was the one holding off, insisting on us staying casual, and he was pursuing me hard, talking about possible future, introducing me to his friends, etc. But the more time we've spent together, the closer we've gotten, and I'm starting to fall for him. We both feel we are very compatible, the chemistry and sex is off the charts, and our communication is fantastic (he is by far the best communicator I have ever dated, and is very upfront, honest, and kind with me. I've been floored by his integrity.).
Here's the kicker: the timing. He has been separated from his wife for 8 months (where he had a lot of alone time to work on himself apparently, which is a plus), and they have a son. Their son just turned two. The marriage was apparently 'over' for years, and they mutually agreed to divorce. He told me this on the first date, and I proceeded cautiously based on this information. Only recently have I met his son (he is taking things slowly regarding that, btw - which I highly respect). His ex has apparently begun seeing someone else seriously as well. However, things have very recently become nasty between them - a lot of arguing around how to raise their son with co-custody - and she is threatening legal/financial/custody repercussions to him if he doesn't 'play the game' her way. As their divorce is not yet final, this is scary and serious and complex. He wants the divorce finalized... she is dragging it out and making threats.
This is a terribly difficult situation for him - and I want to be supportive. However, I'm also feeling myself emotionally backing off, because I'm afraid that a new relationship is just too much for him, or I, to take on at this point in their divorce. We've also, however, already become crazy about each other the past couple of months and have openly talked about the future as well. I'm willing to be patient if it is worth it.
Also important - he's not sure about marriage in the future - he feels very cynical about it right now (understandable!) - but he said he may change his mind about that, and he definitely thinks he will want more kids at some point and a family - but that it is too soon to tell. He does say that he feels excited about where things could go between the two of us. I know that I desire children and a marriage - not in the next year or two, but shortly thereafter. Family is very important to me - even more important to me is the bond that I would have with my partner in it.
Here's where I'm at: I'm already emotionally invested, and crazy about him, but I haven't been for very long. Only for about a month. I'm feeling good about where I am in life and excited for dating and meeting new people if need be - I'm also very busy, but I feel ready to meet someone who I could commit to, marry in the future and have children with. I've been doing a lot of work on myself, and I feel very in touch with what I need, and what I can offer. This is a good time for me to start something new, even slowly. I never imagined it would be with a man in this situation, and it'd be a lot for me (and him) to take on, but the thought of us becoming solid feels very good.
At the moment I type this, things have come to a head with his (ex) wife, and he said he needs a few days to process things, because he's feeling extremely stressed about it. So we are apart currently (physically). This is totally understandable, and I told him to take his time and let me know if he needs anything. He said I will be the first he will call.
I know for many these may seem like red flags (he may not be ready for a new relationship), but given our connection, our shared vision for how we want to live our lives, and the fact that he is talking openly about his emotions around all of this, I'm not wanting to just straight walk away. I also am trying to honor my vision for my life, and protect my heart. Love always involves risks, I know this. I'm trying to simultaneously be cautious, yet courageous. It is so confusing. My heart is saying don't be afraid, stay open and have faith, and my mind is saying take a step back and evaluate.
The way I see it is we have three choices:
A) We continue to deepen our relationship, continue to spend a lot of time together, and I give him the space he needs when he needs it. We then talk about it. I stay patient. We continue to live in the moment, have a lot of fun together, and discuss how we are feeling whenever it comes up for either of us. The risk is that I would be spending a lot of time with someone who is in a major life transition, who might not be able to make a real commitment to me for a very long time (if ever), while I am ready for a serious relationship (not to jump in, but for it to be heading that way...).
B) We try to go back to casual, and date other people, while still talking/spending time with one another. This is possible, but I'm not sure I can emotionally handle it now that we have been so vulnerable with each other and have shared so much. It sounds potentially volatile.
C) We agree to break off all contact, and do not talk to each other for a few months while he finalizes some legal things with his divorce, and processes this on his own. We then agree to talk to each other after a few months and see if we want to start again. This also seems very risky - I may start a new relationship, or he might - or we may just lose our connection. It also doesn't feel very natural to do this, and realistically his divorce could take up to a year, so a few months might not change anything. I also deeply yearn to be there for him.
I'm torn, and stressed about this... he and I are in good communication around it, but there are so many factors that are difficult and complicated, that I wanted to type this up. Thank you for listening and if you have any words of wisdom for me, I am thankful. Have a beautiful day. :-)
First rule of relationship posts. The longer the original post is, the more insoluble it is likely to be.
Let me level with you. At best, you are the convenient place to hang his hat for emotional succor while his marriage may or may not be on the rocks. And even if he does go through with the divorce (Which is not a stone cold cinch), he's not all that committed to a long-term relationship with you.
This has happened to millions and millions of women and men who elected to be the lover of a married person. For all you know, this guy has been exaggerating all the bad stuff or even making it up whole cloth. Happens all the time. After all, a person willing to step out on his or her spouse to such an extent has to be good at lying. Or else, his tracks would have been discovered and you'd already be testifying at the divorce trial.
You do not have a relationship. You have a series of rendezvous. A relationship is not about burning up the sheets, although that is important. Instead a relationship is about building a life with someone for good and bad. It is about paying the bills and watching the kids and spending a weekend fixing things around the house. It is about the business of partnership on all levels, not just the merging of interlocking body parts. In that sense, he is ambivalent about what happens after his theoretical divorce, which should tell you everything you need to know.
There's an excellent saying: A man who leaves his wife and marries his mistress is just creating a job opening. I'm not sure I'd stake my future on this guy. Instead, I'd sever contact and try to live your life. If he actually goes through with it and connects up in the future, fine. Just make sure you have a plan beyond being his bedmate.
Let me level with you. At best, you are the convenient place to hang his hat for emotional succor while his marriage may or may not be on the rocks. And even if he does go through with the divorce (Which is not a stone cold cinch), he's not all that committed to a long-term relationship with you.
This has happened to millions and millions of women and men who elected to be the lover of a married person. For all you know, this guy has been exaggerating all the bad stuff or even making it up whole cloth. Happens all the time. After all, a person willing to step out on his or her spouse to such an extent has to be good at lying. Or else, his tracks would have been discovered and you'd already be testifying at the divorce trial.
You do not have a relationship. You have a series of rendezvous. A relationship is not about burning up the sheets, although that is important. Instead a relationship is about building a life with someone for good and bad. It is about paying the bills and watching the kids and spending a weekend fixing things around the house. It is about the business of partnership on all levels, not just the merging of interlocking body parts. In that sense, he is ambivalent about what happens after his theoretical divorce, which should tell you everything you need to know.
There's an excellent saying: A man who leaves his wife and marries his mistress is just creating a job opening. I'm not sure I'd stake my future on this guy. Instead, I'd sever contact and try to live your life. If he actually goes through with it and connects up in the future, fine. Just make sure you have a plan beyond being his bedmate.
Come now. Plenty of married people are indeed divorcing. She's not having an affair with him. He and his ex are in the process of finalizing a divorce and even she is in another relationship already.
I think the OP should be cautious, but don't be so harsh on her.
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This forum is starting to make me really hate the phrase "red flag."
Seriously just follow your heart. And your gut. Spend some time thinking about it all. Write down pros and cons, do whatever it takes to really chew over the facts and feelings.
Fact is, NO ONE IS PERFECT. Everyone's got baggage, issues, stuff. The key is finding someone whose stuff you believe you can cope with and whose positives make it all worthwhile. Only you can say if that is the case. My Mom used to tell me she could never deal with the stuff my husband puts me through and has no idea how I cope. Well, it happens that I could never deal with the stuff her guys have put her through and would not have wanted any of them for 5 minutes. Different people, different stuff.
But there is nothing wrong with taking the time to make sure that it's right.
Come now. Plenty of married people are indeed divorcing. She's not having an affair with him. He and his ex are in the process of finalizing a divorce and even she is in another relationship already.
I think the OP should be cautious, but don't be so harsh on her.
I'm not sure you read the OP carefully. If she's going on trips with him, doing things together and the 'sex is off the charts' and that doesn't qualify as an affair, what exactly does? I mean, she's using the present tense to describe her goings-on with the guy. It is not something that happened in her past.
The other problem is that we really don't know what the situation truly is. We're hearing her side of the story which is second-hand at best. She might be telling us precisely her understanding of this, but grownups know there are three sides to every divorce story: His, Hers, and the Truth.
I mean, we had a friend who went through this very thing. According to the man, his wife was the embodiment of human evil, a shrewish harpy who lay awake at night ginning up new ways to make his life miserable. As it turns out, she learned through mutual friends that the unsuspecting wife was doing none of those things. Instead, everything he told her was an elaborate fiction and that he was actually banging more than one mistress.
Further, if the couple is going through a divorce, staying involved only serves to muddy the water. Hey, it worked for you. But it means you might have just been lucky. I've seen instances of people waiting out a divorce, only to find out that the person they were waiting on had designs on someone else. Hell, my aunt had a thirty-five year affair with a man. When my uncle died, her lover thought that, at long last, she'd marry him. Nope. She turned around and married a guy she went to high school with.
I'm not being harsh to be mean. I'm being harsh to help provide clarity. The odds of this working out in her favor are slim.
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