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I am 38, married with 2 kids. I was a virgin when i met my now husband. I was just talking to a friend of mine and she told me how sex is "supposed" to be, but, i don't know if she's right, or if her husband is just wild because he was a player most of his life.
She said foreplay should take 20 mins up to an hour, and lots of things are supposed to go on before you actually get to the "wham bam thank you mam" part, like teasing, massage, kissing on different parts not just the mouth, you're supposed to talk to eachother, the man should compliment you...etc etc. She said most sex sessions should last about an hour, possibly longer. I am blown away by this info, because when my DH and I are together, it is silent...not a sound comes out of either of us. In the beginning, when i just had relations with him for the first time, i thought we would be "talking" to eachother, i wanted to explore my sexuality, but when you're the only one saying anything, you feel dumb, so i stopped. I mean, we could fool around in a library, and no one would know anything was happening......silence.
Also, i know exactly what movements will happen at exactly what point, it's the same exact thing every single time...like a carbon copy. I offered to role play, to watch porn with him, to do what ever, just to spice things up, and he didn't seem responsive to that, so, i just thought "well, maybe these couples who get wild on tv, are just exaggerating for entertainment value?
Now, after i had this talk with my friend, i wonder, do all couples make sex a long ordeal, or is it 30 minutes (I'll take care of you, you take care of me and thats it), are we starting the roller coaster at the end of the ride and missing out on the entire roller coaster? Or are most couples that have a routine like us, round all 4 bases in 20 mins and be done with it.? I don't have anyone else i can ask, so I'm asking you.
Well, your friend may be exaggerating only in giving the impression that every session lasts an hour or more. There's usually lots of variety in there.
But the main thing that's missing in your experience is the foreplay and most notably--affection! Sex, generally speaking, isn't just the sex act, the "O". Sex is a way of communicating how you feel about someone. So at least some of the time, it involves holding, cuddling, etc.
I agree that you two need marriage counseling, because not only are your needs not being met, when you voice them, they're not taken seriously. That's not ok.
I also agree that watching porn isn't going to help. You seem to have enough imagination and energy to want a little variety. Your husband doesn't, for some reason. He seems to be repressed. He may have some kind of emotional or psychological issues.
The question is, what will you do if he refuses to go to counseling with you? What if he says that as far as he's concerned, everything's fine? And what about other aspects of the relationship? Is he supportive, understanding, affectionate, kind, fun? I get the impression the answer is "no", but I could be wrong.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 03-31-2015 at 01:47 PM..
Sex is a way of communicating how you feel about someone. So at least some of the time, it involves holding, cuddling, etc.
I agree with this. Some people are into some really raunchy stuff. Not that I don't like to experiment, but there are certain things I'm not really excited to try out if you get my drift. I get more satisfaction out of the more sensual acts, like holding and cuddling and even vocal stimulation.
OP, If your post is true, YES your sex life sucks. I can't imagine having sex and being completely quiet.
My advice is to try to continue communicating your needs to him. Go to a therapist , read some books together
Good luck , sounds like you are going to need it
It all varies greatly. Everyone has their own style and preferences. I've had the crazy wild sex your friend speaks of, but I wouldn't say that's the norm.
And in a LTR or marriage, that is unlikely to happen on the regular.
I am 38, married with 2 kids. I was a virgin when i met my now husband. I was just talking to a friend of mine and she told me how sex is "supposed" to be, but, i don't know if she's right, or if her husband is just wild because he was a player most of his life.
She said foreplay should take 20 mins up to an hour, and lots of things are supposed to go on before you actually get to the "wham bam thank you mam" part, like teasing, massage, kissing on different parts not just the mouth, you're supposed to talk to eachother, the man should compliment you...etc etc. She said most sex sessions should last about an hour, possibly longer. I am blown away by this info, because when my DH and I are together, it is silent...not a sound comes out of either of us. In the beginning, when i just had relations with him for the first time, i thought we would be "talking" to eachother, i wanted to explore my sexuality, but when you're the only one saying anything, you feel dumb, so i stopped. I mean, we could fool around in a library, and no one would know anything was happening......silence.
Also, i know exactly what movements will happen at exactly what point, it's the same exact thing every single time...like a carbon copy. I offered to role play, to watch porn with him, to do what ever, just to spice things up, and he didn't seem responsive to that, so, i just thought "well, maybe these couples who get wild on tv, are just exaggerating for entertainment value?
Now, after i had this talk with my friend, i wonder, do all couples make sex a long ordeal, or is it 30 minutes (I'll take care of you, you take care of me and thats it), are we starting the roller coaster at the end of the ride and missing out on the entire roller coaster? Or are most couples that have a routine like us, round all 4 bases in 20 mins and be done with it.? I don't have anyone else i can ask, so I'm asking you.
if sex is an ordeal and you only kiss on the mouth and don't make a sound....get therapy. There is a wide range of satisfying and typical when it comes to sex....but you two sound a bit clueless.
Have you ever talked to your husband about this? You both have to be bored out of your minds.
OP, it seems that if you went so far as to post on an internet forum, and have been asking your partner to be more innovative, but he's declined, and are wishing it would last longer or involve more, even before talking to your friend, you're unhappy with the status quo. It's not supposed to be mechanical and predictable, as if on auto-pilot. It's supposed to be very satisfying emotionally, not just physically. It's supposed to take place in such a way that it deepens the couple's bond.
Again, I'm almost afraid to ask what the rest of the relationship is like, not to mention your husband's relationship with his 2 kids.
At some point your friend will be telling you about the threesomes they had and the time a group of college guys ran a train on her and anything else her wild imagination comes up with.
Bull crap makes the world go round.
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