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He said it was chaos every time he came home and my parents are in the way of his getting supper.
Your husband only gets a couple hours off in the evening and one day off during the week, while you stay home all day. Is it too much to ask that you get rid of the mess AND your parents before your husband comes home from work and on his day off? He wants to change gears and relax in his home, not walk around a mess and make nice with your parents.
Get done with your stuff when he isn't home. Get rid of any visitors when you know he will be home. Jeez.
You've got some good advise here, but I wanted to add another thought.
You lived with your parents before this, so I assume this was his house? If so, I wonder if he feels like all your home improvements is your way of saying that it wasn't good enough the way it used to be. Also, it may feel like you are taking over and it isn't his any more.
Kayla, it sounds like you have this one in hand just fine now. Some on here have agendas, whether they realize it or not, so you've got to sift through the answers, toss some out (as whack jobs or angry people) and adjust some others to make them work better for you. This disagreement is solved/dissolved. Congratulations!
But while this one is in the past, don't overlook it entirely. Learn from it. Study it. You may want to discuss it further with your husband. Explain that you don't want to have upsetting arguments like this continually, so while it's still fresh in your minds but enough in the past that you can both laugh about it, you'd like to learn how to avoid it in the future, and the better he can explain how he feels, the easier it is for you to avoid them. (Whew! Ya follow that?) And that the more you talk about feelings, the more he'll learn about avoiding your wrath.
My late wife and I talked about our feelings on everything imaginable. You sound a little like she was in wanting to avoid arguments. In the beginning she'd never disagree with anything I said. As smart as I think I am, nobody in their right mind would think exactly like me! So I told her, "Argue with me. I want to hear your thoughts. On everything." That was new to her. She was a brilliant person, probably the smartest I've ever known, but she was still insecure and avoided arguments with me any way she could. She would later write in a book she expected to be published (before her unexpected death) that it was a turning point in her life.
Arguing is simply debating. It need not be hostile. In fact, if you let an argument get to that point, you've both lost. But it's good. It's how you learn about someone. It'll make you much closer because you understand each other better.
So take this little difference as a blessing. Use it to learn more about each others likes, dislikes and deep-seated feelings, and you can both become closer, more loving, more understanding and just better marriage partners.
First of all Im sorry for your loss.It sounds like your wife was a wonderful lady.I think we'd think very much alike.I know its because of the way I was raised.My husband and I talk a lot and Im glad that he is a man that likes to talk.He never tries to talk over me or shut me up,which is what I grew up with.He's human,he gets upset.He jokes that there are two times he acts like a baby,when he's tired and when he's hungry.He never has a problem saying he is sorry or that he is wrong,I never knew a man like that either.I just need to learn to speak and not fear that he will leave or stop loving me.My father always told us one day he would leave us.So it set that fear in me that when someone says they love you it has conditions.
Anyhow it is solved and we seldom have disagreements.I do think that working 6days a week is too much and he's depressed a little and doesn't know it.Also he's been a bachelor so long that its hard now that he feels he has no time to himself.But he works so much that its hard for us to even get time together and I spend a lot of time alone all week.I think he may need to look into a job with weekends off.Hes pretty easy going and relaxed but I see he seems stressed and over tired.So I hope something better comes along.
It's really hard to just blow off your very abusive past along with the fact that you don't drive. Why don't you drive?
That makes you even more dependent on the men in your life.
I never learned when I was younger.I traveled a lot with my family up till my thirties and was seldom home.Now I moved to another country and cant get a licence until my greencard is settled.
As was mentioned, it seems you got this issue under wraps. If you have never been married, wedded life is a series of compromises. The kid gloves come off as you start living and being together, and the emotions can come hot and heavy. You seem on even footing now and that's a good thing. Be ready for other upsets, because they too will come. A minister will work in the place of a clinician. A bicycle MAY work in the place of a car (how far are you from where you can get items at a store?). Continued discussion on these issues relative to meeting each other half-way will get easier. Your history has clouded your insights and judgment, although with the new guy found, you can create a different history from now on.
I wish you the best in continuing to find marital bliss.
New here but needing advice.A little background... Ive been married 4 months and its gone pretty well considering we're older and set in our ways.We were together for 5 yrs,but not living together,before we married. I lived at home with my parents because of circumstances and he was married before but has been single for many years.We never had arguments when we dated,we pretty much talked things out and never had issues.We've not really argued since we've married either.
Now as to needing advice.The past two weeks Ive been doing home improvements.My husband works 6 days a week so he is unable to help.My parents however offered to come over and help.They worked on the kitchen and painted our guest room.My mother and I have been painting furniture I bought at a yard sale at a really low price.Ive been wanting to do these things as soon as the weather got warm.Ive really been working hard on this.I thought I was doing a good thing.My husband seemed very happy with the kitchen so I continued. He sort of began this week to ask when it was all going to be done and I said that it took time to do the work.He seemed ok with it.A couple days he said I should take a day off painting but I said I wanted to get it done.He's a neat freak but the house is always clean.I dont work so I can make sure the house is clean.So tonight as he was going to bed he basically said he wanted the work to be finished and wanted me to stop.I told him I would try to have it done tomorrow.He said it was chaos every time he came home and my parents are in the way of his getting supper.He didnt say he cared about making his own,just that they were in the way.When I tried to explain he said "I guess thats being married,you dont have a say anymore." I said nothing and left the room.It hurt me,a lot.Ive been working really hard and I have a neck injury that causes a lot of pain when I do physical things.On top of that Im just exhausted from all the work. I dont go out to work so I thought this was a way to contribute and make things better.I just went and had a good cry.Its not like him to be uncaring or unfeeling.
Sorry for the long post.My father was very verbally abusive.He never hit us but I feel he was abusive.We were always on egg shells because he has wide mood swings.You could never say how you were feeling,he'd juust dismiss you or yell at you.I couldnt talk to him at all.He always has to be right.So when it comes to telling my husband anything I cannot seem to do it.I get fearful that he'll stop loving me.My father threatened my whole life that one day he was going to leave us.If I think my husband is upset I just panic.I get physically sick,I can feel the tension.I dont know what to do about it.Every little upset,every word out of turn and I think the marriage is over.My parents fought my whole life and I was trapped and had to listen to them.I hate to argue,hate it.Again sorry for the long post but I would appreciate any advice.And please be nice,Ive been crying all night.I dont need unkind comments making it worse.Thank you for your time.
Don't blame daddy for your character flaws. Your an adult. Handle things as needed and take responsibility..... BTW, it does sound like you're a good wife.
Don't blame daddy for your character flaws. Your an adult. Handle things as needed and take responsibility..... BTW, it does sound like you're a good wife.
BTW, it does sound like you're a good wife.[/quote] Thanks for that,appreciate it.
As to the first comment if you had lived in the home I grew up in you'd have issues too.Im not an alcoholic,Im not in jail,Im not a single mom with 6 kids.I think Im handling my issues pretty well.
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