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Taking a stand could be a personal growth issue for her. Sounds like she's not used to asserting herself. Maybe she hasn't matured into that, yet. She knows what she needs to do, she just has to muster the ego-strength to do that.
Trust me, she can be assertive. In her job, she has no trouble putting people in their place. But it's a lot harder when it's your friends because then you worry that speaking your mind might damage your relationship. I think that's where she's at mentally. She knows that a lot of these people are a bad influence, she knows that she may have to cut them out altogether, but it's still hard to walk away from friendships you've had for years. I can totally understand her reluctance.
Trust me, she can be assertive. In her job, she has no trouble putting people in their place. But it's a lot harder when it's your friends because then you worry that speaking your mind might damage your relationship. I think that's where she's at mentally. She knows that a lot of these people are a bad influence, she knows that she may have to cut them out altogether, but it's still hard to walk away from friendships you've had for years. I can totally understand her reluctance.
OP, if speaking up for herself and asking her friends for support in her dealing with her medical condition is going to damage the friendship, it wasn't worth much in the first place. What are friends for? These sound more like fair-weather friends, party buddies, not real friends.
OP, if speaking up for herself and asking her friends for support in her dealing with her medical condition is going to damage the friendship, it wasn't worth much in the first place. What are friends for? These sound more like fair-weather friends, party buddies, not real friends.
Some of these people are former coworkers, people who've helped her in the past, so she feels a great deal of loyalty to them and perhaps indebted. They've been through major crises together, not just in the workplace, but outside. Like I said, she knows these people are making it harder for her, but cutting those ties isn't easy because she has a lot of emotional investment. If they were just drinking buddies, then I'd say she shouldn't feel bad about cutting them off.
Some of these people are former coworkers, people who've helped her in the past, so she feels a great deal of loyalty to them and perhaps indebted. They've been through major crises together, not just in the workplace, but outside. Like I said, she knows these people are making it harder for her, but cutting those ties isn't easy because she has a lot of emotional investment. If they were just drinking buddies, then I'd say she shouldn't feel bad about cutting them off.
Oh, well this makes it clearer why she's struggling with this issue. She can see them less often, and in the meantime, try to develop new friendships. She doesn't have to write them off completely. Or, if they've been through that much together, surely they'd understand if she said she has a medical condition that she needs to be careful about, "doctor's orders"....? Maybe if they found that out, they'd back off a bit on their own.
I've totally been in your gf's shoes and it is tough. My friends all look fit and healthy, but man, they eat and drink a lot of crap. We never do anything healthy together, really.
For a really long time I just considered my friend time to be my cheat meals or whatever. It never really worked (I'd gain 5 pounds of bloat/fat after a single weekend with them), but I just wasn't ready to give it up for a long time. More recently though, I've just asked if we could be a little more healthy and everyone's been fine with that. We all know we shouldn't be eating and drinking the crap we do. I started bringing vegetables and dip instead of chips, planned meals with more vegetables and less bread/pasta, etc.
Maybe you could suggest a healthy alternative to contribute to the next event with her friends? That's a start, anyway. I wouldn't be too pushy about it though, I'm sure she knows that her friends are not helping her health goals. She just might not be emotionally ready to deal with it.
Bingo. It's on her if she doesn't lose weight. It's starting to sound to me like a fat-shaming or drink-shaming situation.
Really? Who's doing the shaming? She's the one who said she wanted to lose weight. I never told her to do so. She's the one who wants to cut back on drinking. I never told her to do that. All I've done is say that I'd support her in whatever she wants to do. I don't see who's doing the shaming or where you even pulled that out of.
Really? Who's doing the shaming? She's the one who said she wanted to lose weight. I never told her to do so. She's the one who wants to cut back on drinking. I never told her to do that. All I've done is say that I'd support her in whatever she wants to do. I don't see who's doing the shaming or where you even pulled that out of.
Because you are so adamant about making her stay on her diet, to the tune of wanting her to stop hanging out with these so-called "bad influences", and wanting to tell her what to do.
Leave her alone if you're so supportive. She'll lose the weight when she's damn good & ready.
Because you are so adamant about making her stay on her diet, to the tune of wanting her to stop hanging out with these so-called "bad influences", and wanting to tell her what to do.
Leave her alone if you're so supportive. She'll lose the weight when she's damn good & ready.
I agree with this. I think it's just a matter of time before she does something about the issue. People often have more options than they can perceive in the moment. She may be making assumptions about them that are unwarranted (they'd abandon her if she told the she has a health issue, or that hanging out with them is an all-or-nothing proposition; either she goes out with them as often as they'd like, or she has to cut them off altogether). Or maybe she just isn't quite motivated enough to lose weight. That, also, would explain why she doesn't talk to her friends about dialing back the drinking.
BTW, what's this mysterious medical condition?
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 04-07-2015 at 01:56 PM..
Because you are so adamant about making her stay on her diet, to the tune of wanting her to stop hanging out with these so-called "bad influences", and wanting to tell her what to do.
Leave her alone if you're so supportive. She'll lose the weight when she's damn good & ready.
This. Except a little less abrasive.
Denny, it's admirable that you want to support her, it really is. (Although I chuckled when you said you didn't "complain" when she went to the gym instead of hanging out with you.)
But she is over 40. She is an adult.
Also, you stated that these people have been there for her in the past. These aren't just casual relationships, so why should she end them? She shouldn't.
It is possible to hang out with friends and make healthy choices. I've done it. If she isn't doing it, that's no one's fault but her own.
And honestly, maybe she's using them as a little bit of a scapegoat for cheating on her diet?
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