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My girlfriend is trying to follow a healthier lifestyle. She wants to lose weight and manage the symptoms of a medical condition she has. To that end, she's resolved to eat healthier and limit her alcohol intake. I've been very supportive of that. If I cook for her, I make things that are healthy. If we go out, I suggest places with healthier menu options. If she wants to reschedule plans with me so she can go to the gym instead, I never complain. And we try to engage in activities like hiking that help her stay active. But by her own admission, a lot of her friends are a bad influence. They love to go out drinking and aren't the most health conscious. I would never tell my GF to dump these people as friends since she's been friends with them for years. So I'm trying to figure out how to navigate this. How much can I say to my GF about her friends and what, if anything, I can say to them?
Have any of you been in this position with your partner and his or her friends? If so, how did you handle it? What did you say to your partner and their friends and how did they react?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Why would you say anything to them?
You're GF is an adult woman, I assume. She can say anything that needs to be said, and that includes ordering the healthy option on the menu, or saying no to another drink.
Her trying for a healthier lifestyle maybe all show for you, till she lands you permanently. The friends she hangs out with tells you a lot. It tells you she really prefers the old way, the unhealthy way. Don't make any permanent commitments till she dumps her friends and her old ways. But you're right to not pressure her to do so. Let her make her own free choice. Eventually you'll know which one she really wants.
You don't need to say anything. She's the one that told you how they are, so she already knows. There is nothing you need to say. She is an adult who is capable of making her own decisions. If she is choosing a healthier lifestyle, that's great. If she goes out with them, what she chooses from the menu is up to her. If she wants to have fried food and too many fruity cocktails, that's on her. You can't micromanage her food and drink intake or try to prevent her from being with those fridnds out of fear she eats or drinks the things you don't want her to.
Why would you need to say anything to her about them? She's well aware of their shortcomings. It's not like you'd be pointing out something she didn't know. It may just be a matter of time before she decides she needs to find new friends who support her healthy choices.
How would you feel if a gf of yours went over your head and spoke to your friends or relatives about not undermining your efforts at self-improvement? You're not her dad, and she's not a child. Some people need to learn by their own mistakes, and there's not much you can do to prevent that. Have you introduced her to your friends? Do you have women friends she might make friends with? That would be a better way to go.
You're GF is an adult woman, I assume. She can say anything that needs to be said, and that includes ordering the healthy option on the menu, or saying no to another drink.
They're not aware of her medical condition and why it's so important for her to limit her alcohol intake. I've been out with her and her friends and I've sesn how they pressure her to have more drinks. I realize that she's an adult and that ultimately it's up to her to say no to her friends. I can't be there all the time to stop her nor do I want to take on that role. But I do feel like I'm outnumbered. She's got a few people (me and her parents) emphasizing that she eat healthy and quit drinking and all these friends saying "live a little" or "one more drink won't kill you." Peer pressure is pretty powerful. From my own experience, I know how hard it can be to resist.
They're not aware of her medical condition and why it's so important for her to limit her alcohol intake. I've been out with her and her friends and I've sesn how they pressure her to have more drinks. I realize that she's an adult and that ultimately it's up to her to say no to her friends. I can't be there all the time to stop her nor do I want to take on that role. But I do feel like I'm outnumbered. She's got a few people (me and her parents) emphasizing that she eat healthy and quit drinking and all these friends saying "live a little" or "one more drink won't kill you." Peer pressure is pretty powerful. From my own experience, I know how hard it can be to resist.
I can see why you're so concerned, but it's her place to tell her friends about her medical status, not yours. You might ask her why she hasn't told her friends.
Peer pressure? Aren't most people immune to that once they get very far into adulthood?
They're not aware of her medical condition and why it's so important for her to limit her alcohol intake. I've been out with her and her friends and I've sesn how they pressure her to have more drinks. I realize that she's an adult and that ultimately it's up to her to say no to her friends. I can't be there all the time to stop her nor do I want to take on that role. But I do feel like I'm outnumbered. She's got a few people (me and her parents) emphasizing that she eat healthy and quit drinking and all these friends saying "live a little" or "one more drink won't kill you." Peer pressure is pretty powerful. From my own experience, I know how hard it can be to resist.
If she's willing to give into peer pressure instead of making healthy choices due to a medical condition, then maybe she's not the person for you. How old is she?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by DennyCrane
They're not aware of her medical condition and why it's so important for her to limit her alcohol intake. I've been out with her and her friends and I've sesn how they pressure her to have more drinks. I realize that she's an adult and that ultimately it's up to her to say no to her friends. I can't be there all the time to stop her nor do I want to take on that role. But I do feel like I'm outnumbered. She's got a few people (me and her parents) emphasizing that she eat healthy and quit drinking and all these friends saying "live a little" or "one more drink won't kill you." Peer pressure is pretty powerful. From my own experience, I know how hard it can be to resist.
Yeah, it can be, but she's an adult woman and it isn't your job to save her.
And if these are real friends, she could also tell them directly she doesn't want them to pressure her anymore and wants to drink less. And she could share her medical condition.
It isn't hard, post college years anyway. You DO NOT want to play the dad role (in this respect).
I don't try to run my gf's life. If someone's making poor choices or hangs with a crowd that goes against her best interests, that reflects on them. It says something about their character, and might affect whether I'd want to be with them. I look for people who exercise good judgment. So like Liberty2011 said, maybe she's not the one for you.
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