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Dude, it sounds like she hasn't been able to move past the grief over losing her mom. That's really young to lose a parent. Have a heart, man. It's kinda cold to just write her off as some loser, when it seems pretty obvious that she's fallen into depression due to the personal loss. If you were a friend, you could've asked her if she was ok, and suggested she get some grief counseling, or something.
This isn't about people going through changes in their 20's, like a normal thing. This is someone who's fallen into a serious funk, and can't get out. Somebody needs to offer them a leg up. How's her dad dealing with the loss? Maybe they're both depressed, and are feeding each other's depression.
^You're the man! Grow a heart OP, its not like you didn't know she went through a difficult ordeal. You're probably one of the few company she feels comfortable with even though she may recognize she is in her lowest form. You can do better feeling sorry for her instead of wondering what you saw in her.
I have never really had a horrible break up to ask this question in the context of "what was I thinking"
I know why I was interested and subsequently lost or discovered why I was no longer romantically interested with every serious relationship I have been in.
it is introspection on your self, not trying to figure out the others actions.
Location: On the "Left Coast", somewhere in "the Land of Fruits & Nuts"
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Emigrations
I dated a woman from roughly 2010-2012 - I was 24 when it started, she was 20. She wasn't really attractive naturally, but always dressed well and was extremely driven to go to law school. She seemed on track to do something good with her life and succeed at the time, and was fun to be around.
I saw her off and on since I moved back to the area at the end of 2012, but it was never serious again. Her mother died in 2013, and ever since then, she's miserable and just can't move on. It's been two years since her mom's death and she wanted me to go walk the dog at a park with her yesterday.
Once there, she acted like it was a real bother to have me along, but she invited me! She said she was starting a new job at Disney in FL. She couldn't give a date or anything, so it seems like a hoax. She graduated with a criminal justice degree last spring and is stuck making minimum wage part time. I've told her numerous times she needs to leave our hometown, but she either can't or won't. Her law school plans are scuttled, she seems to have no ambition, wasn't talkative like she was, dressed horribly, etc. She's not doing well now nor does she have viable plans for the future. It's sad to see how quickly she completely fell apart.
After seeing her yesterday, I not only feel sorry for her, but wonder what I saw in her to begin with. Have you ever felt this way when meeting an ex you haven't seen in awhile?
Seems like that's the difference between being physically attracted and liking someone's "personality". Each has its merits, and our 'personality' certainly evolves over time. But I doubt that the "visceral" kind of attraction ever really changes that much.
Yep. I dated a girl in college who I thought was the most amazing woman ever. We'd have long talks and were just inseparable. Then I graduated and she fell for another guy.
Last year, she reached out to me on Facebook. We became friends and caught up. Then she came to town and invited me to lunch. After getting the okay from MrsCPG, I went and we chatted. Wow. I just realized that all those deep and profound things she said when she was 20 were just total bullsh*t. And she hadn't grown one whit as a person. She wasn't interested in my life since we broke up. She just wanted to talk about herself nonstop. I kept lunch as short as possible. Boy, did I dodge the bullet with her.
Yes, and I think that is true of EVERYONE I used to think I couldn't live without. Now I feel lucky that I didn't end up with them. My first boyfriend died a little over a year ago. At first I felt shock and then...I didn't care. That sounds mean, but that's how I felt. He got married years ago and all I felt when he died was that I was glad she was the one married to him, not me. Incidentally, I know for a fact that he cheated on her a LOT (no, not with me - I actually tried to tell him he was a selfish ass for doing that, but he claimed he "couldn't help it." ) Ya, glad I didn't end up with him!
Dude, it sounds like she hasn't been able to move past the grief over losing her mom. That's really young to lose a parent. Have a heart, man. It's kinda cold to just write her off as some loser, when it seems pretty obvious that she's fallen into depression due to the personal loss. If you were a friend, you could've asked her if she was ok, and suggested she get some grief counseling, or something.
Really.
As for wondering what I saw in them, I don't have to run into them again to know. Good rule of thumb: What you initially love about a person may very well be the thing that drives you up an unholy wall about them later, so choose your "endearing quirks" carefully.
Her dad has never been around to my knowledge. The thing is - it's been two years and it's like she's just completely stopped living life.
People get stuck in grief, and it can turn into depression. Unless they get professional help getting past that, they can stay stuck there, and their life can fall apart. You sound like you're being judgmental, instead of being a real friend, and lending her a helping hand. Like she was your friend before, but now you're just throwing her away, because you're put off by her depression. It's not that she's a flawed person. You saw who she was when you knew her in school. She must've been really close to her mom, and is still in shock from that loss. I'm guessing the friendship was pretty superficial from the start, and you didn't really care about her much. She was probably just fun to hang out with, but now that the fun factor is gone, you have no use for her.
Too bad--she could use a friend to point out to her that she's stuck in a funk that's sent her life into a tailspin, and that grief counseling could really help her. I guess, by the way you're defending yourself, that friend isn't you.
Yes, and I think that is true of EVERYONE I used to think I couldn't live without. Now I feel lucky that I didn't end up with them. My first boyfriend died a little over a year ago. At first I felt shock and then...I didn't care. That sounds mean, but that's how I felt. He got married years ago and all I felt when he died was that I was glad she was the one married to him, not me. Incidentally, I know for a fact that he cheated on her a LOT (no, not with me - I actually tried to tell him he was a selfish ass for doing that, but he claimed he "couldn't help it." ) Ya, glad I didn't end up with him!
A guy I dated briefly died last year. Of course he was immediately promoted to sainthood in the eyes of people who even kind of met him. Meanwhile I kept thinking "do you people not remember this guy? He was an *******."
I mean, he didn't deserve to die, but he wasn't this great person everyone made him out to be.
To answer the OP, I have thought that about quite a few guys I've dated. That's why I'm not with them anymore, I suppose.
Winning post! OP, nobody goes through such a radical change for the worse without there being a catalyst, some kind of shock or trauma. And what do you know? In her recent history, there was a major loss, and a major life transition. Connect the dots, OP. She needs help. You missed an opportunity to make a difference. Or maybe it's not too late to do that.
Any guy reading this post of @Ruth4Truth.... don't listen to what she said. It's almost certainly the way to make one of the worst mistakes of your life. Don't fall for that card and don't try to make yourself into someone that others may need to feel sorry for... if you're not a con artist and make a living out of it, of course!
To anyone reading this, man or woman - you are NOT there to be someone's second chance. You are NOT there to be someone's rehab either. If there's an advice, this is the best advice in life: always rationalize what made you feel that connection... if you notice that it's because he/she was in need of help or happens to be "good at this moment" but has "history of issues".... just try to imagine him/her outside of that picture.
If the attraction is severely diminished once you picture them outside of that film and you as their savior/reward/rehab, then you have a red flag right in front of you.
It's the same way a high school kid is attracted towards a teacher whom he barely knows and who isn't really that attractive when compared to other women... he loves her for the psychology of the role that she happens to play. It's also why it's very useful to regulate sexual relations within workforce, especially if there's some kind of human relationship to be formed between two people.
If the child met the same teacher on the street and if he/she didn't know he/she's a teacher, especially if he/she wasn't teaching in his/her school, this kind of psychological factor wouldn't be there. Unfortunately, way too many adults are raised without ever realizing this and it's a recipe for trouble.
Most common way for both men AND women to get into trouble is to try to be someone's rehab or to be someone's second chance. One's actions and reasoning, both former and current, are a good predictor of future actions and reasoning. You can't know one's reasoning completely, but you can observe their actions. A common way for both good-intentioned-but-naive men AND women is to reason this way: if they help someone overcome their trouble or if they happen to be someone's "second chance" now that they seem to have changed, they'll be grateful for that and they'll love them forever and ever.... no, this only happens in Disney movies. In reality, it's usually the opposite.
People who need a second chance have the whole world of giving them that second chance. There are plenty of people who also need a second chance themselves and they can take a mutual risk. Same applies for people seeking for someone to be their personal rehab.
I am not against second chances, I'm against the notion that you should be someone else's cushion because being a cushion can easily turn you into a punching bag (and it usually does, exceptions don't make the general rule wrong). Plenty of people do become either physical, emotional, economical or any other "punching bags", thanks to their naivety. People who seek for a victim will often do this both consciously and unconsciously... i.e. they'll usually avoid people who seem to have similar level of liability tagged to their persona. They frequently screen out people who would be willing to give them a chance because they don't want to be someone else's "cushion" either. This is a classical way that predators seek for well-intentioned fools.
Last edited by nald; 04-07-2015 at 04:42 PM..
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) Ya, glad I didn't end up with him!
