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I am 27, she is 28. We were together for 1 year and 4 months… She was my first GF, first love, she had couple previous relationships. Im not a very attractive guy but I have always had many opportunities to get a gf but I have always been picky (not just looks but everything else too). So at 26 I met this girl online and we went for a date. At that time I was still pretty hurt/devastated because of my recent fling that went completely wrong since I was a rebound. I don’t fall in love easily (I needed 6 months to fall in love with my ex) but when I do I fell hard. So at the beginning of our relationship I havent had any real expectations but weeks went by, and then months and I realized it finally happened to me. She was my type of a woman so I was so happy that I waited that long for her – for someone special. She was my first, not just sexually but also in many other ways if you can imagine (first time vacation with a gf, first time being introduced to her family, going to parties together. etc..). After half a year I realized I can see having future together and I m sure it was the same for her.
During first year I was together I was the happiest Ive ever been since... I don’t even remember to be honest. Before I met her I pretty much hit rock bottom – I had health problems for 2 years, I was hurt by another girl for being a rebound, I havent had a job, I lived at home… Since I met her everything went in the right direction. Months went by and I had everything I wish. Life was great I was happy. I have never took her for granted, I was happy to be with her and I appreciated every day. In the first few months I have realized that we are very different people. I love/do sports she doesn’t, I crave sex way more often the she does, she likes parties at weekends Id rather stay at home and watch some movies with her, she smokes I don’t, we don’t even like the same movies/series… We don’t have much in common to be honest but I rather looked away and be just happy. I know she did too but there was infatuation.
But after a year (probably honeymoon phase) things slowly but surely went downhill. We were arguing more, I was not her priority on many occasions, little resentment on my part, little on hers… For the last 2 months we were not the same. We only saw each other once or twice a week and we live 10 miles away. I was busy at weekends for participating in a semi-pro sport team and she was working on her new job. We havent had sex for weeks, she wasn’t bothered (she has never been in the sex much since the beginning - I wanted more but again I rather looked away and be happy when it happened). I became sexually frustrated and we just werent happy anymore. I sensed that, she sensed that. We both neglected our needs. She tried to rekindle our relationship couple of times and I tried to do the same but it never lasted for more then couple of days. I can say we havent been on a same page for the last 4 months. But we still dragged on our relationship. So last month she got a new job. Her schedule is not what I was hoping for. She is working everyday (including weekends) except Wednesday till 8 pm. Im free for weekends and I work to 4 pm other days. So when I started conversation about this she was defensive and angry at me to trying to talk about it, its like she didn’t want to see the elephant in the room. I just wanted to talk about it – when we are going to see eachother and when she ll be able to sleep over since we have crysis for the last few months and our sexual relationship struggles… Few days after that argument she decided to end our relationship. I was and still am devasteted. She said our relationship don’t function anymore and its time to stop trying. What hurt me the most is that she was completely emotionless. I have tried everything to get another chance at our relationship but she just wont budge. She also said she has never got back together with any ex.
Now 6 weeks went by and Im still devasted, thinking and blaming myslef for many things ( I behave immaturely for couple of times)… I tried no conntact but I bumped into her for 3 times in the last month. When we were together for 16 months we have never bumped into eachother… its like someone diceded to torture me… I m afraid I wont find another gf since I spent so many years to find my first one. Im even more afraid ill compare every girl to her and noone will ever come close to her. I know many people arent with their first love, but I think its easier to forget if first love happened at 16, not at 26… im getting better everyday thinking its gonna be alright but then I just uncontrollingly completely break down from time to time. Im going to the gym, having drinks with friends (who are sick of me at this point since im always talking about our break up and what went wrong), going out for weekends - but everywhere I go and everything I do I m still thinking of her. She is the last one I think about when I go to bed and the first thing I think about in the morning. Its like she is in my subconscious. Im getting on my own nerves at this point. It also hurts that all my friends are still with their LTR gf but I lost mine. They were able to keep them but I wasn’t… Any advice, opinion? Something similar happened to someone? How can I get over it?
I think everyone goes through what you are experiencing at one point or another. At least most of us do. Breakups are very hard and thinking obsessively about what went wrong is pretty common.
Eventually, you will start to think about your ex less and you will move on. It seems impossible now, but you will probably meet someone who you are much better matched with. Try and figure out what you can learn from this experience. Did you ignore signs that you weren't really compatible with this girl? It sounds like it. Don't do that next time.
It doesn't really matter when you had your first break up, IMO. I was 22 when my first real relationship fell apart. I was a mess for probably 4 months. But, then I got over it. I started dating, and I met a guy who I had so much chemistry with, it was awesome. We were not compatible in really any real way, but we had such a great time together. That relationship also ended eventually. After that, I met my husband.
It takes time to heal after every relationship. Some take longer to heal from than others. That's life.
It sounds like you didn't really know her or at least you denied that the relationship was unrealistic from the beginning. Next time don't idealize her and realize that hey why would a non smoker go out with a smoker? Why would I date a woman who has a low sex drive when mine is high? Those are both really bad red flags.
But for now consume your time with other things that matter to you more.
I know someone who dated a guy for 7 years. She stuck with him, help put him through school and when she was 27 or 29 (I can't remember), she asked him straight up about their future and long story short, he would rather focus on school and other things and dumped her. She survived that. She's doing great now. She's had a couple relationships here and there from then. It's been a while now.
Hearing that story, it gave me hope when I broke it off with my ex. "Things can be worse".
If people divorce after years of being and living with someone and can still bounce back, you are capable of doing the same.
It takes time. You don't get over someone on said timeline. In fact, just when you think you have moved on, something will trigger your memory and will make you miss your SO. I remember the first time my ex and I broke up (we were on and off, I HIGHLY discourage this). I understood what being heart broken meant. It was hard to breath. I would randomly cry at the most random places. I lost so much weight because I couldn't eat. I'd sleep early just so that I can stop thinking of him. I was pathetic lol. But, that's just part of life. You break, you hit a low moment, then you get back up.
You're just not compatible and as much as you try, it's not going to work out. She may seem emotionless because she have accepted the fact that it's not working out and so should you. You couldn't have done anything different to make her stay. There's no point in making her stay. How can you get over it? You tell yourself you will. It doesn't happen overnight, it just does. Give it time.
It sounds like neither of you were very happy by the end and that deep down you know you two aren't right for one another. A couple doesn't need to have everything in common, but it's good to have some common interests and if you are frustrated after a year about incompatible sex drives imagine how you would have felt in 5 years, in 10, or 20.
I dated my ex for about five years and we were married for the last year. I could have sat down even on my saddest day and written a very long list of why we were not good for each other and reasons why I was unhappy, but it still hurts like hell to lose someone you love and saw as being apart of your future. It's a loss, and you will grieve it, but it does get better. Time really does help, but you have to keep living your life the best you can while you wait for it to pass. It's okay to wallow sometimes, but not all the time. You have to want to let go and work at it.
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