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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
I guess a big underlying issue here is figuring out where that line is between casual and serious. When should I expect to start having those deeper, longer, more intimate conversations? I've had friends say that they've had these kinds of conversations as early as a few dates in. We've never spent more than 10 minutes conversing over the phone. Of course, we've spent entire weekends together chilling and going out for what it's worth.
That's been my experience. That shows they're good dates to me. It isn't about weather/music/vacation plans, etc, but about things of substance (family, dreams, past experiences), etc. But I am an intense bloke and can't deal with small talk well.
At 3 months if everything was casual, I'd be beyond annoyed.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Liberty2011
I agree. I think a few months gives you the time to see the potential, which is exactly what dating is. You can't figure a person out in the first week. However what is lacking in his posts is the true connection two people have, when they "get" each other, the compatibilities are just there. Regular sex with one person should not be the only glue holding them together, not when he is looking for someone to settle down and share his life with.
Absolutely! People were yapping about a bit of coke, or the money talk (she's 24 and certainly being paid crap as a new teacher, lots of people are financially irresponsible at that point, it's almost a right of passage), but the REAL red flag to me was the lack of real connection.
Last edited by timberline742; 04-10-2015 at 08:54 AM..
For sure. Three months can be a fling, but it can also be very significant.
One thing that saddens me with relationships, and I think this has become more pronounced (or maybe my disappointment in it has become more pronounced) is how many people (I assume men can be like this too, but I only know women) can date you for awhile, and really not express that they like/care about you. Then, when it ends, they come out and express how important you were and there is this flood of emotion. I wouldn't be surprised if that happens here, it happen when my last thing ended. I don't understand the disconnect. I can rationalize it in that people are afraid of putting themselves out there and looking vulnerable (something I have no issue doing), but I'm not sure that is the real reason. There is some serious lack of emotional IQ in this world.
Yeah, actions mean a ton, and she wasn't acting like she really cared and that you were a priority, and that's what is important at the end, but almost certainly she does care. She is just crummy at expressing it. I'd chalk it up to her being 24, but sadly, I saw that at 34, and I still see it dating people that are 44. It's discouraging that actions don't really always indicate emotions, they should, but there is a lot of disconnect around.
This is so true. When the guy that I was dating before (and am now dating again) found out his work contract in my city was ending and left, I stopped hearing from him very often and I started to try to begin to accept that things were over and he just didn't care about me as much as I cared about him. Then a couple months later we started talking again and he confessed that he was unhappy without me and missed me terribly the entire time. Well...why didn't he say so? Even now he acts hot and cold sometimes. Who knows why people act the way they do. Sometimes it just doesn't make any sense.
I really agree with the bolded, and OP I wonder if that is what this woman's problem is. I agree it sounds like she does care, but there's some sort of disconnect. She doesn't know how to show it, she's afraid of something, she's oblivious to how relationships work, who knows.
That's been my experience. That shows their good dates to me. It isn't about weather/music/vacation plans, etc, but about things of substance (family, dreams, past experiences), etc. But I am an intense bloke and can't deal with small talk well.
At 3 months if everything was casual, I'd be beyond annoyed.
I'm glad it's not just me that feels this way.
Quote:
Originally Posted by timberline742
Absolutely! People were yapping about a bit of coke, or the money talk (she's 24 and certainly being paid crap as a new teacher, lots of people are financially irresponsible at that point, it's almost a right of passage), but the REAL red flag to me was the lack of real connection.
The concern about the money talk isn't so much about complaining about the lack of it. I did plenty of that myself coming out of college (and I had student loans and a car payment, which she does not). It's more about the glorification of financial means and the constant talk about her friends with money and everyone who takes her out and pampers her. She once told me she had a pair of sunglasses that she lost in a lake and she didn't bother to retrieve them because her BF at the time was rich and would buy her new ones. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about.
I do alright financially, but it has a way of making me feel inadequate also. As if she's looking for people to pamper her at every corner. I don't know, maybe it's my own problem.
Absolutely! People were yapping about a bit of coke, or the money talk (she's 24 and certainly being paid crap as a new teacher, lots of people are financially irresponsible at that point, it's almost a right of passage), but the REAL red flag to me was the lack of real connection.
Me too. Re-reading strictly the subject line of the thread, if this was a good relationship, giving him what he needed, there wouldn't be any contemplation about ending it.
Three months is enough time to see if you should continue dating and grow the relationship, or not. Some people talk like it's a waste of time, but this is what dating is for.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
The concern about the money talk isn't so much about complaining about the lack of it. I did plenty of that myself coming out of college (and I had student loans and a car payment, which she does not). It's more about the glorification of financial means and the constant talk about her friends with money and everyone who takes her out and pampers her. She once told me she had a pair of sunglasses that she lost in a lake and she didn't bother to retrieve them because her BF at the time was rich and would buy her new ones. That's the kind of stuff I'm talking about.
I do alright financially, but it has a way of making me feel inadequate also. As if she's looking for people to pamper her at every corner. I don't know, maybe it's my own problem.
Well, that's a princess thing and shows that she comes from either an entitled background or has surrounded herself with entitled peers. That's a total turn off as well as being a red flag.
I'm not saying she's not a good person; just that it wouldn't work for me, and I think you're probably much more level headed and down to earth than most 29 yos (though, maybe some partying up would do you well, I mean that in a good way).
Well, that's a princess thing and shows that she comes from either an entitled background or has surrounded herself with entitled peers. That's a total turn off as well as being a red flag.
Agreed, total princess mentality, and that's offputting to me. But she claims that she has come from relatively humble beginnings. Emphasis on relative, because I came from a family of six in Metro Detroit that never grossed over $50k/yr. I think she had a relatively good life compared to that. And her lifestyle reflects that: luxury apartment near downtown, frequent int'l trips, expensive ski pass, fairly active social/night/weekend life. And all on a 4th-year teacher's salary at that.
Agreed, total princess mentality, and that's offputting to me. But she claims that she has come from relatively humble beginnings. Emphasis on relative, because I came from a family of six in Metro Detroit that never grossed over $50k/yr. I think she had a relatively good life compared to that. And her lifestyle reflects that: luxury apartment near downtown, frequent int'l trips, expensive ski pass, fairly active social/night/weekend life. And all on a teacher's salary at that.
All on her salary or all piling up on a credit card bill she can't afford to pay off?
All on her salary or all piling up on a credit card bill she can't afford to pay off?
Well, not sure about the credit card debt. But I know she is not putting money into any kind of retirement funds at this moment. But neither did I at that age, because I was focused on paying down debt and didn't make much either.
You don't need to have "legitimate" reasons to break up with someone or to not want to have a relationship with them. If you aren't happy with her - then there's no point in being with her. I could never be with someone that did coke or talked about money like it was the end all be all - but that's me. Someone else would be perfectly fine with that. If she doesn't make you happy - then that's all that matters.
You don't need to have "legitimate" reasons to break up with someone or to not want to have a relationship with them. If you aren't happy with her - then there's no point in being with her. I could never be with someone that did coke or talked about money like it was the end all be all - but that's me. Someone else would be perfectly fine with that. If she doesn't make you happy - then that's all that matters.
You're right. And that's part of the internal conflict. Am I putting too much pressure on this to be more than it should be at this point? Or should it actually be more than what it is now? Am I expressing my needs well enough to her? Hence so much contemplation and hesitancy. Don't want to jump the gun because I'm just being overzealous and paranoid, ya know?
The cocaine thing was a big deal at the time, because I've never been exposed to that lifestyle. Occasional recreational drug use (light stuff like marijuana) doesn't really bother me. I probably shouldn't have even mentioned it in the OP.
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