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Ruth, if they all wore signs around their necks warning us that they are horrible people or not the right person, we'd all be better off in life. Wouldn't you agree?
However, they don't. So the figuring out is left to me. These are all college educated professionals by the way. The abusive ex was working on her MS in Software Engineering and was devoutly religious. So go figure.
Well, yes, but the money red flags usually crop up pretty early, as with your current gf. So my guess is that at least twice now, you've overlooked that in the initial stages. I'm not giving you a hard time; rather, it can be helpful to look for patterns and to recognize them.
What changed your mind, from Friday, when you were going to break up with her? I honestly expected the thread would be over shortly after that.
Yup, absolutely. Loneliness, depression, and low self esteem can definitely cause people to seek or accept less than ideal romantic situations. Sometimes people just want to feel something instead of nothing.
Absolutely true, and I've been there myself. However, once I decided I deserved better than what I was settling for, I stopped doing that. I took care of myself and made sure I was content to be alone. Sure, I wanted a partner, but not just a warm body. I wanted the right partner and refused to settle for anything less. It took a lot of patience, and I kissed a lot of frogs, but eventually, it paid off. I think that's why it pains me to hear of people settling for the wrong person just because they don't want to be alone or all their friends are paired up. You just know they are wasting precious time, but they have to figure that out for themselves.
Well, yes, but the money red flags usually crop up pretty early, as with your current gf. So my guess is that at least twice now, you've overlooked that in the initial stages. I'm not giving you a hard time; rather, it can be helpful to look for patterns and to recognize them.
What changed your mind, from Friday, when you were going to break up with her? I honestly expected the thread would be over shortly after that.
You're wrong, and you're assuming things. Stop it!
The money issue has only come up this once with this particular girl. And she has never said anything particularly about me with regards to money (that I don't make enough, or don't spend enough on her, etc.). The only thing I've mentioned in this thread is that money seems to be an important issue to her and she has mentioned things from her past that rubbed me the wrong way.
With the other girl, the money issue came up long after the relationship was already done with. Call it a case of sour grapes. She was actually very generous with her money, hence why she wanted me to pay her back after I had moved on.
What has changed? Well, Ruth, what has changed is that I am trying not to rush to judgment and make a hasty decision that I may end up regretting later on. This is something I've been carefully thinking about. I don't know why so many are trying to put pressure on me to make a quick decision on this. I'm the one that spends time with this girl, so there are a lot of elements involved that you're either not aware of or considering. I'm trying to work this out or decide if it's worth working out. I know everyone here seems to think she's a coke addict because I saw her do cocaine once. I regret even sharing that piece of information now, because I seem like that is the focal point of everyone's argument and they're blowing it way out of proportion. She's not a coke addict and she's not using me to support her habit.
It's easy to tell someone else what to do and how to live their life, but not so much when it's actually your life and you have to make the decision. I'll make the decision when I'm good and ready to. As timberline put it, on my time, not yours.
I personally would never date anyone I ever witness do cocaine(once would be enough for me), or I cannot seem to have a deeper conversation with. It just sounds like there is little potential for a relationship. But you are right, it is your life, not ours. Just hope you do not make the same mistake I did. After you have invested your time, you cannot get it back.
From personal experience, just because this woman isn't as bad as the last one still doesn't mean she's any good for you either. You are settling.
Nobody is perfect. To some extent, we're all settling on some level. It's really a matter of how much you're willing to settle.
I have two close female friends with great personalities who would undoubtedly date me. But they're just not physically attractive at all. So I could settle on their looks for their great personalities. But that's just not something I can do, out of fairness for myself and for them.
At this point in my life, I highly doubt I'm going to have the perfect woman in my life. From my experience, the ones with the best personalities are typically in the worst physical condition. And the ones with the best physical condition seem to have some major entitlement/princess/daddy issues.
It's rare that you meet a woman around my age with great looks AND a winning personality. That's been my experience in the last year and a half and I've done a significant amount of dating.
Like I said, it's a matter of how much you're willing to settle on.
I get that some people are just occasional partiers. But this girl doesn't sound like a great fit for a lot of other reasons.
I'm glad you're questioning whether you want to be more serious and listening to the red flags that have popped up. Based on the snippets you shared, she sounds materialistic, selfish and shallow. Party substances whatever, I wouldn't be friends with someone like that let alone be in a relationship with someone like that.
If your profile pic is actually you (mine is random graffiti from my neighborhood) you're a good looking dude. You can definitely find a woman who will be a better fit. No need to settle, my friend!
It's rare that you meet a woman around my age with great looks AND a great personality. That's been my experience in the last year and a half and I've done a significant amount of dating.
Sorry two posts in a row but have you considered getting involved in coed rec sports? I am married & met Better Half that way. We are just a touch older than you are. I always found sports to be a great way to meet people with fun personalities who are in good shape when I was single. Shoot even as a married couple we joined a kickball league together for ****s & giggles this spring and have made a whole crew of new friends.
I tell all my single friends that they need to get off of Tinder & into coed rec sports!
You're wrong, and you're assuming things. Stop it!
The money issue has only come up this once with this particular girl. And she has never said anything particularly about me with regards to money (that I don't make enough, or don't spend enough on her, etc.). The only thing I've mentioned in this thread is that money seems to be an important issue to her and she has mentioned things from her past that rubbed me the wrong way.
With the other girl, the money issue came up long after the relationship was already done with. Call it a case of sour grapes. She was actually very generous with her money, hence why she wanted me to pay her back after I had moved on.
What has changed? Well, Ruth, what has changed is that I am trying not to rush to judgment and make a hasty decision that I may end up regretting later on. This is something I've been carefully thinking about. I don't know why so many are trying to put pressure on me to make a quick decision on this. I'm the one that spends time with this girl, so there are a lot of elements involved that you're either not aware of or considering. I'm trying to work this out or decide if it's worth working out. I know everyone here seems to think she's a coke addict because I saw her do cocaine once. I regret even sharing that piece of information now, because I seem like that is the focal point of everyone's argument and they're blowing it way out of proportion. She's not a coke addict and she's not using me to support her habit.
It's easy to tell someone else what to do and how to live their life, but not so much when it's actually your life and you have to make the decision. I'll make the decision when I'm good and ready to. As timberline put it, on my time, not yours.
Yes, the bolded is sufficient red flag for some not to proceed. That's what I was referring to.
But fair enough; you've decided to take more time to reflect. But bear in mind that those of us who have participated in your threads before are concerned about your statements that being with someone who isn't emotionally fulfilling is better than being alone. It's not about one cocaine incident (though that would be a red flag for most people), it's about the fact that it simply isn't a good fit. It's great that you have fun with her when you two are together. But there seems to be an important component missing. I get that you're weighing those two things, and deciding if you can live with the minus to enjoy the plus side. But idk. After 3 months, people usually know if something is clicking, and you don't seem to know.
Also, think about whether you could live with that for a lifetime. And if you don't think that's a relevant question, if you're not thinking about the long-term potential, why tie yourself up in a relationship, if you'd end up ditching her when/if something better came along? How fair would that be to her? People do that, they have placeholder relationships that they bail on as soon as a better prospect comes along, but that practice only adds unnecessary drama to life, isn't fair to the person they're stringing along, and is lacking in ethics. But, that's just me, I guess. I know you don't see yourself as one of "those" guys, but that seems to be where this situation is headed.
And I can see that the decision whether to wade in deeper or not, vs. calling it quits isn't an easy one for you. But I think one reason it's so hard is that you don't do solitude very well. Independence of spirit can be liberating, and can lead to better choice-making.
But, ok. End of advice. It's your call, obviously. Carry on.
Fair enough. I don't always know the difference between infatuation and real connection, without the perspective of time, myself. And since some of these people have been good, close (emotionally intimate) friends for 10+ years now at this point, I put them in the connection was real category.
Same here. The connection always feels real in the moment, but I need the perspective of time to see things for what they really are. I "knew" shortly after I met my husband that it was the real deal, but only the test of time confirmed it for me. I had made so many mistakes in my past, I didn't trust my judgment.
Having said that, after ending relationships that didn't work out, I always looked back and thought to myself "Damn it, Butterflyfish, the writing was on the wall from the start, why did you waste so much time?"
Hindsight = 20/20
Edited to add: The only thing I have to point out is that the failed relationships always had red or pink flags that I ignored, hoping that they would work themselves out. When I met my husband, it was so easy. Everything felt right. We "get" each other.
Last edited by Butterflyfish; 04-13-2015 at 04:10 PM..
Sorry two posts in a row but have you considered getting involved in coed rec sports? I am married & met Better Half that way. We are just a touch older than you are. I always found sports to be a great way to meet people with fun personalities who are in good shape when I was single. Shoot even as a married couple we joined a kickball league together for ****s & giggles this spring and have made a whole crew of new friends.
I tell all my single friends that they need to get off of Tinder & into coed rec sports!
Yep, as a matter of fact I've been doing a kickball league the last year. I met a girl last Fall that way, but that ended up fizzling out real quick. I hooked up with another, but that was the extent of that.
On this year's team, everyone seems to be in a relationship though. However, I'm also a big advocate of doing IRL stuff like Meetups and co-ed sports. It's far superior to OLD in my opinion.
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