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I guess my point before was that I don't necessarily know if I'm settling for much less than I would be otherwise. You guys make it seem like there's this absolutely amazing woman waiting for me somewhere that's going to knock my socks off. I've been dating for a good, long while, and I'm just not seeing these characteristics in the women that I'm exposed to. I don't know what it is about me, but somehow, the crazies and less than desirables find their way to me.
You guys also make it seem like somehow being single is going to make it alright for me. What you don't know is that I've been single for the majority of my life. When I was younger, it was easier and it was a good time, because most of my friends were also single. As I get older, this is becoming more and more difficult to be the lone single guy. As my friends hook up and find their SOs, they don't hang out with me much anymore. Being single is just more isolationism, even more so because I have no family here. Maybe some of you guys have not been single long enough or recently enough to be familiar with this feeling. It is brutal and very lonely!
Maybe this girl is not perfect, and maybe I've had some personal hang ups about the things that she has said or done on previous occasions. But do you honestly think that someone that much better is going to find their way to me? I'm sorry, I guess I'm just not as optimistic as ya'll are based on my own personal experiences with dating. Quality women do not seem to be drawn to me, and I've tried very hard to make that happen. There's not really much else I can do to severely better my situation than it is now. This is why I'm trying to figure out if these issues are as significant as I originally thought. I will hopefully know soon enough.
It's all about taking a risk to find the right woman. Are you willing to be single and buy your time while you wait for that woman? Or would you rather hop between the wrong women, hoping that you will still meet the right woman?
I used to keep women in orbit like that with myself. In the end, it was better for all parties involved to be honest with each other and not trying to patchwork something that's not there. Just tear off the Band-Aid and keep looking for the person who's a better fit for you. Everyone compromises, but you're compromising on the emotional support that you need!
I just looked at your profile pic. WOW! THAT is you? And you say quality women don't find their way to you?? Even though you're involved in a lot of activities?
Is Chicago like the rest of the Midwest, where there's a strong tendency for people to pair off and marry early? Even the late 20's is "early"-ish, by West Coast standards. Fleur, you need to find a community where people stay single longer, so you'll have more dating prospects. Your yumminess and good-guy-ness are being wasted. Have you ever considered LA/SF area/Seattle? or NYC? btw, beach shots do you good. You should move to a beachy area.
♥
I don't live in Chicago. I'm in Denver, which, oddly enough, seems to have very conservative standards about getting hitched so early on. At least that's been my experience. Most people I meet are in relationships or married and most people I meet are in their 20s.
I loved SoCal for its beauty when I was there a few weeks ago (my profile pic is in Malibu btw). I'm not really familiar with the social environment there however. The only big thing that would hold me back is the high COL. Otherwise, my friend and I were fantasizing about moving there eventually. So maybe it's in the cards.
Oh come on - what's so bad about being single? I've been single for most of my adult life, with relationships only here and there. And indeed, consider that this woman is likely to DETRACT from your happiness with her issues rather than enhance it. In fact, she could really mess things up for you, it sounds like. A money-obsessed coke user is not a good bet.
Look, here's my thing about coke - most of the people I've known who use it even recreationally are complete douchenozzles. I have never met a person still actively using it who I've wanted to spend any time with. I just don't think they're happy people.
But on being single, I don't care if there's anyone who's right for me out there anymore, I guess. I've got the life I want (friends, house, dogs, books, financial stability, garden). Yeah, no sex is tough - I have an insanely high sex drive, but I'm thankful for ever advancing vibrator technology, which keeps me from making a mistake and banging a total douche, or worse, getting tangled up in a relationship with one. I've got a guy or two in my phone that I can call up if I want a booty call too.
I don't see why you see being single as isolationism. I have a ton of friends, and if an oddball like me can make friends, well... you should be fine. Get a dog. Join some groups. This is a city where it is very hard to be alone - the only friend I have who really struggles socially is a guy who has a debilitating illness that prevents him from taking part in things like hiking and league sports or being out in hot weather.
If all my friends are busy for some reason, I just take my dog to the dog park and find a dozen people to interact with, some of whom I know quite well.
I'd work on building a life for yourself, getting to a happy place in it and then maybe give looking for a relationship a shot. Can you imagine if you accidentally knock this winner up? *shudder*
Yeah, I can't wait to get back closer to the city center, where I can easily walk to places where other young folks are hanging out. It was much easier when I lived in Cap Hill to not feel so isolated. Living in SE Denver is terrible for young professionals; it's essentially suburbia. I'll be moving back towards the city this summer, so I'm excited about the opportunities that might result from that.
I'm sure there are. I'm just basing this off my dating experience over the last 11 years or so. When I was super-attracted to them, there were serious character flaws. When I was not physically attracted to them, they usually had pretty good personalities. When they seemed to have a better blend of both physical attractiveness and personality, they weren't into me (refer back to the girl on my kickball team who blew me off and is now dating another guy). I have yet to find anything in the middle that is really appealing to me or that is attracted to me.
Last year, when I was dating a lot more, most of the girls I met from OLD were significantly overweight (not just a few lbs) and unappealing and had dull personalities to top it off. And this is in Denver, one of the fittest cities in the country! It really left me with a bitter taste in my mouth with regards to dating. So that's why I guess my viewpoint on all this is so skewed and perhaps warped. I've never really observed what you're telling me is available throughout the course of my dating experience.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
I guess my point before was that I don't necessarily know if I'm settling for much less than I would be otherwise. You guys make it seem like there's this absolutely amazing woman waiting for me somewhere that's going to knock my socks off. I've been dating for a good, long while, and I'm just not seeing these characteristics in the women that I'm exposed to. I don't know what it is about me, but somehow, the crazies and less than desirables find their way to me.
You guys also make it seem like somehow being single is going to make it alright for me. What you don't know is that I've been single for the majority of my life. When I was younger, it was easier and it was a good time, because most of my friends were also single. As I get older, this is becoming more and more difficult to be the lone single guy. As my friends hook up and find their SOs, they don't hang out with me much anymore. Being single is just more isolationism, even more so because I have no family here. Maybe some of you guys have not been single long enough or recently enough to be familiar with this feeling. It is brutal and very lonely!
Maybe this girl is not perfect, and maybe I've had some personal hang ups about the things that she has said or done on previous occasions. But do you honestly think that someone that much better is going to find their way to me? I'm sorry, I guess I'm just not as optimistic as ya'll are based on my own personal experiences with dating. Quality women do not seem to be drawn to me, and I've tried very hard to make that happen. There's not really much else I can do to severely better my situation than it is now. This is why I'm trying to figure out if these issues are as significant as I originally thought. I will hopefully know soon enough.
I'm probably wasting my time, because I and many other people have already given you good advice here. Page after page of it. And I don't remember one single post that said, "Hey Lafleur, your relationship shows a LOT of promise. You two seem really great together. You'd be a FOOL to give that up!" Quite the contrary. I understand, most people need to "live and learn" and figure life and relationships out from their own mistakes. But those of us who have already done a lot of living-and-learning have gained a lot of wisdom that could spare you a lot of pain.
In response to the parts above that I bolded, I and one other person posted a lot about focusing on improving your own self. Quality attracts quality. I don't remember the post #s, but if it matters enough to you, you can search my posts. I can promise you that the things I wrote to you are worth reading, pondering, and applying.
One last thought: are you close enough to one or both of your parents to talk with them about this?
I've been dating this woman for over three months and there are some things that really stick out to me that are making it difficult for me to want to commit any further. Some of you may be familiar with her from previous posts a few months ago.
She's 24, I'm 29. So she's relatively young compared to me which might be part of the issue here.
Red flags include:
* She always talks about money. This seems to be a very important thing to her. The other day, she went on and on about how her friend was marrying this rich guy and how he was so perfect for her because she needed a man with money. She also lives this lavish lifestyle (fancy apartment, multiple international trips per year, goes out on the town pretty frequently for drinks/food), but always complains about the lack of money she makes as a school teacher. She once made a remark about whether or not I had an "entertainment" budget when I refused to pay for some drinks of hers (it was because of a bet we made; I offered to pay for one drink).
* I witnessed her do cocaine once when we were hanging out with a group of people at her friend's apartment. She claims that this is not something she does on a regular basis, and I haven't observed any more occasions such as this. But still...cocaine!
* I do so much for her, yet she seems to be more about herself. I've initiated and taken her out many times, paid for drinks/meals, brought her flowers on multiple occasions, taken her out on nice dates, picked her up from the airport when she's needed, cooked her several meals, etc. She's done a few things for me, like cooked me dinner one night in three months and brought me back a small gift from her recent trip to Mexico. But I still feel like I'm not really a major priority to her at this point. I feel like she just sees me as this convenient companion that keeps her company when she's bored.
* After three months of dating, I feel like communication should pick up more. But it's still sporadic. For instance, I didn't hear from her all day Monday, and had to initiate conversation yesterday. We don't really have deep, intimate conversations about our lives. Our conversations seem more shallow. I typically have to rely on my friends to have these types of conversations. On occasion, she'll ask me how things are with work, but it's pretty seldom (I think I can count on one hand how many times this has happened).
Does this sound to you like not a very good fit? Or does this sound like par for the course? Should I hold out and try to grow into this and make it work? I'm just trying not to jump ship so quickly, as that seems to be an issue I have when things look bleak.
Too many red flags! Life is too short. When people show you who they are, BELIEVE them! Run for your life.
I don't live in Chicago. I'm in Denver, which, oddly enough, seems to have very conservative standards about getting hitched so early on. At least that's been my experience. Most people I meet are in relationships or married and most people I meet are in their 20s.
I loved SoCal for its beauty when I was there a few weeks ago (my profile pic is in Malibu btw). I'm not really familiar with the social environment there however. The only big thing that would hold me back is the high COL. Otherwise, my friend and I were fantasizing about moving there eventually. So maybe it's in the cards.
Thanks for the compliment on the pic, too.
You might like San Diego; slightly lower COL, more laid back, good beaches. Beware of drought in CA, though.
I'm probably wasting my time, because I and many other people have already given you good advice here. Page after page of it. And I don't remember one single post that said, "Hey Lafleur, your relationship shows a LOT of promise. You two seem really great together. You'd be a FOOL to give that up!" Quite the contrary. I understand, most people need to "live and learn" and figure life and relationships out from their own mistakes. But those of us who have already done a lot of living-and-learning have gained a lot of wisdom that could spare you a lot of pain.
In response to the parts above that I bolded, I and one other person posted a lot about focusing on improving your own self. Quality attracts quality. I don't remember the post #s, but if it matters enough to you, you can search my posts. I can promise you that the things I wrote to you are worth reading, pondering, and applying.
One last thought: are you close enough to one or both of your parents to talk with them about this?
Thank you. I re-read your posts on the thread and they were very insightful. I'm glad you found a great guy now, but sorry it took two failed marriages to get there. Something to consider for sure.
I just looked at your profile pic. WOW! THAT is you? And you say quality women don't find their way to you?? Even though you're involved in a lot of activities?
♥
I know. If I was 10 years younger, I'd have totally wanted to hit that. I suspect the OP doesn't know that he's sought after most of the time.
I know. If I was 10 years younger, I'd have totally wanted to hit that. I suspect the OP doesn't know that he's sought after most of the time.
Did I just sexually harass the OP?
It really is amazing sometimes, who struggles in the dating biz. The OP should be fighting them off at every turn. I don't get it. Maybe it has to do with the fact that he lives in the suburbs? The singles congregate more in the city center?
By the way, I saw your profile pic. WOW. I'm sure you can do better than a cokehead with major baggage.
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And you say quality women don't find their way to you?? Even though you're involved in a lot of activities? 
Have you ever considered LA/SF area/Seattle? or NYC? btw, beach shots do you good. You should move to a beachy area. 