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I am a Sikh with a turban and beard. I am 19, live in the U.S. I have a lot of female friends, I can easily break the ice/chat them up in class, make them laugh, study together, get lunch/dinner, (I don't pay so its not like they are using me), facebook likes/snapchat etc. Most have boyfriends, but there are a lot who don't.
I have some questions:
1) Is this a good sign that I have female friends, even if they are just friends? I am very concerned they like me because as a Sikh they find me non-threatening and "safe." Almost like their gay friend, they think I am pious and thus not interested in anything physical. But, it does show women like my personality. I think my appearance also lowers my confidence. I tend to be really nice, I literally don't know how to be a "jerk" for lack of a better word.
2) There is specifically a girl in my class who I make laugh and we talk. I don't have her number, but I know she is single from Facebook. How do I escalate? Ask her out for a drink/dinner? Should I wait until the end of the semester so its not weird? I overthink these things a lot.
3) The other thing is for some reason girls my age don't like me (mid 20s). Does this mean Im ugly? I'm more of a chill and honest guy. That is why colder women (30s/40s) like me, I think. They are straightforward and not shy. So maybe I am good looking and it just takes a confident woman to make a move/be more obvious? Women out of my age range who I have been intimate with always tell me they wonder why I'm not in a relationship with a woman my age, they say Im "warm" and "funny."
I have no problem escalating when I am on a date (usually find women at a bar/wedding/online), but in class I think of how odd it will be if she shuts me down, tells all her friends and I have to see her the rest of the year etc, so I don't pursue.
I have a friend who grew up in London, studied in the US, but is originally from Bahrain. Not exactly your situation but it reminds me of her. She was very conflicted in college. She had American boyfriends and identified with western culture. On the other hand, her family was deeply rooted in their culture and expected her to follow suit. Yes, this included arranged marriage.... it was the white elephant in the room that she refused to discuss with any of her American boyfriends at the time but I'm sure it was on their mind.
Ultimately, she was caught between different cultures and you cannot deny the importance of culture and religion in a relationship. She ended up following her families wishes and marrying within the culture and religion that was compatible. She's happy.
You are approaching an age in which the question of longer relationships (engagement and marriage) is on everyone's minds.. may be not in the beginning but as one gets more invested in a relationship those thoughts do come up. If your potential mate gets emotionally invested in a relationship with you but cannot or is unwilling to accept your religion and culture into their life, it becomes a painful conflicting situation. A situation that many will avoid.
You don't get to choose who you fall in love with BUT you do get to choose who you share your life with.
So while MEDALLOKUYA response may be a bit crude, it does have some value to it. When you first meet anyone, its human nature to measure them superficially. The turban does set you apart from many men in the dating pool. Whether or not that is a good or bad thing, is up to the women in that situation...
1) This is most likely because those girls have identified you as a non-potential-mate. Hence they don't find you threatening. It doesn't matter if the reasons is sexual orientation or religion.
2) I don't see why you can't ask the girl on a date.... its all in good fun. But be prepared for a no... and try not to allow that impact your friendship if that is what you cherish. If it progresses long term, she needs to be allowed to choose whether or not she is willing to accept you for who you are (that includes your religion and culture)
3) These are the same thoughts everyone who struggle in the dating scene experience. Its just a matter of fitting their expectations as well as yours. Perhaps women in the groups you hang out with your age group naturally attract the type of women that are looking for someone who doesn't necessarily fit yourself. Take yourself out of the group and see what happens.
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and you need help getting a woman?
