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If a person was violently attacked under a year ago, there has not been nearly enough time to even process through anything relating to fully addressing trauma...for either of you. I would doubt the timing is right to make big decisions on things like marriage, and I hope she is still seeking counseling, because PTSD fallout doesn't vanish in such a short period of time. I'm sorry for you that she's opting to forgo you as a support, but at this time, it's entirely likely that that's all she can even see you as, anyway...a support, not a partner.
OP-I do not know your original story but reading through some of these replies it seems very shytty. So sorry to hear about all this going on. I know you are totally hurt but sounds like she needs some time to sort things out for her own personal sake. Don't push her on anything. Just let her know you are there for her if she ever needs you.
Do you have a lot of experience knowing a woman for 20+ years, being a couple for 3 years, and asking her to marry you? Do you have a lot of experience dating women who were attacked and had to stab someone to save themselves? I feel that this is an area where precious few people here have any life experience to offer.
The whole "cutting all contact" bit is a cringer for me. Its not as easy as it sounds. We've been a part of each others lives for a long time. Leaned on each other through the worst of the worst and had the best of the best together. I'm , certainly backing up a bit. But some things remain that she and I need to clean up, if we are just going to split. Its not just a walk away Joe kind of relationship we've had.
I'll have some answers later today. Her friend would be asking to come by if she didn't have something I need to know. This does hurt. I'm not moping about with a bottle of whiskey, screaming at God, but I'm a bit...out of sorts. This isn't some casual dating relationship. Our lives are intertwined in ways that will take some time to undo the knots. If this is the end, so be it. Somethings will take a bit to undo, though.
I do rrather ...dislike..the "tough guy," road recommendations. I'm, hardly a "Simp" or whatever. This ain't my first rodeo. I've just never been thrower quite this hard, and I ain't as young as I used to be. Maybe its time I hung up my spurs. Take a look at life from a different angle. One thing at a time.
I think a couple folks don't realize, we were a couple when the attack happened. I was in the middle of that, not a come after. I was the emergency contact the hospital/police called. Right on the thick of it from moment one. That makes a big difference in my outlook.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by M3Guy
I'm glad I don't have experience with this stuff and I avoid this kind of drama at all cost. If I came across a girl that told me she was attacked in the past, had to stab someone, etc, I would keep it moving and show no further interest. So to answer your question, no. Gladly.
So you consider someone who is the victim of assault damaged goods and not worth your investment?
The whole "cutting all contact" bit is a cringer for me. Its not as easy as it sounds. We've been a part of each others lives for a long time. Leaned on each other through the worst of the worst and had the best of the best together. I'm , certainly backing up a bit. But some things remain that she and I need to clean up, if we are just going to split. Its not just a walk away Joe kind of relationship we've had.
I'll have some answers later today. Her friend would be asking to come by if she didn't have something I need to know. This does hurt. I'm not moping about with a bottle of whiskey, screaming at God, but I'm a bit...out of sorts. This isn't some casual dating relationship. Our lives are intertwined in ways that will take some time to undo the knots. If this is the end, so be it. Somethings will take a bit to undo, though.
I do rrather ...dislike..the "tough guy," road recommendations. I'm, hardly a "Simp" or whatever. This ain't my first rodeo. I've just never been thrower quite this hard, and I ain't as young as I used to be. Maybe its time I hung up my spurs. Take a look at life from a different angle. One thing at a time.
I think a couple folks don't realize, we were a couple when the attack happened. I was in the middle of that, not a come after. I was the emergency contact the hospital/police called. Right on the thick of it from moment one. That makes a big difference in my outlook.
Bear in mind where you're posting right now and take some of those replies with a grain of salt.
I too thought this had happened a lot longer than a year ago and my first thought was she is moving through the stages of grief and has entered into the anger phase of the journey. A year is not enough time to process such a trauma.
I agree with the poster who said maybe speak to one of the therapists she's seen for how best to handle this. If she's pushing you away, I wouldn't simply just go. You can back off and give her space but there must be resources out there to help people who are in your position. My best to you.
Bear in mind where you're posting right now and take some of those replies with a grain of salt.
I too thought this had happened a lot longer than a year ago and my first thought was she is moving through the stages of grief and has entered into the anger phase of the journey. A year is not enough time to process such a trauma.
I agree with the poster who said maybe speak to one of the therapists she's seen for how best to handle this. If she's pushing you away, I wouldn't simply just go. You can back off and give her space but there must be resources out there to help people who are in your position. My best to you.
This^^ is my plan. The therapists we have been seeing are quite good. We have seen them both separately and together, and I plan on making contact. As you say, right now, she will have her space and I will put mine to good use. I did make a commitment to stand by her through this. Whatever it takes. I didn't expect it to be a pony ride in the park.
So, this is where I take a deep seat and faraway look and see where the critter stops running.
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine what either of you are going through. I'm hoping your decades old friendship will be the glue that helps you both through this. The attack is very recent and I'm sure the PTSD can manifest is many different ways, there is no way of even guessing what she is experiencing.
I'm hoping the friend will shed some light on this, and there is the possibility of a positive outcome.
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I think a couple folks don't realize, we were a couple when the attack happened. I was in the middle of that, not a come after. I was the emergency contact the hospital/police called. Right on the thick of it from moment one. That makes a big difference in my outlook.
The thing is, it doesn't necessarily make a big difference, in terms of processing the emotional fallout. Regardless of whether or not you were together when she was attacked, the working through it may be, for better or worse, something that she has decided she needs to do without you.
Logic may dictate that when you are gong through a very difficult time, you want and need others around you as support. But significant trauma and emotional responses to it don't necessarily follow what seems most logical.
You are looking at it (not wrongly) from the perspective of someone who feels that he was there from the beginning when this awful thing happened, and has stuck by and been a rock and gone to therapy and tried to help in any way you can. She's likely looking at it (also not wrongly) from a perspective of her own personal emotional fallout, and everything else has faded to the edges.
So you consider someone who is the victim of assault damaged goods and not worth your investment?
Charming.
Not necessarily. If she were to make it an everyday, emotional issue, then yes it isn't worth my investment. If she doesn't make it an everyday issue, then im fine. Face it, who would want to play therapist everyday with their spouse? The hot and cold attitudes, mood swings, unpredictability(she can wake up one day and dump me for this "issue). No thank you. I have my own demons to fight and my own life to live. There are plenty of other people in this world that don't have as many issues that I can choose from.... But I give 100% respect to the OP for doing what he's doing and showing her support
The thing is, it doesn't necessarily make a big difference, in terms of processing the emotional fallout. Regardless of whether or not you were together when she was attacked, the working through it may be, for better or worse, something that she has decided she needs to do without you.
Logic may dictate that when you are gong through a very difficult time, you want and need others around you as support. But significant trauma and emotional responses to it don't necessarily follow what seems most logical.
You are looking at it (not wrongly) from the perspective of someone who feels that he was there from the beginning when this awful thing happened, and has stuck by and been a rock and gone to therapy and tried to help in any way you can. She's likely looking at it (also not wrongly) from a perspective of her own personal emotional fallout, and everything else has faded to the edges.
Sometime people suffering from PTSD will detach themselves from friends and family who were in their life when the event occurred. This doesn't mean the friends and family were present while the event was taking place.
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