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The real rule of thumb here is not to put yourself into situations where you will be tempted to "slip up."
However, going along with the hypothetical, I think one would have to really think about why and how they had such a grievous "slip up" before thinking of speaking about it. Such things are not really accidents, and knowing why it happened could have some importance, even if the result of fessing up will be the same.
It may also give direction to how to fess up.
Quote:
Originally Posted by YaFace
This doesn't help the OP at all! This is like a defense attorney being like "well you shouldn't have murdered that guy!"
I do not think the OP is looking for advice, since he said it is not indicative of anything going on in his life. Just generating some conversation.
If I am understanding you, you are basically saying that people never change. They never mature or grow wiser. They never learn from their mistakes, they will never find their compass, they will spend the rest of their lives wandering through life. One lapse of judgment and they can never be redeemed.
Is that what you are saying?
People can certainly change.
But they can't really expect people they've screwed over (or those who know about their behavior) to find them trustworthy in the wake of major breaches of trust. It's a pretty common consequence that when you have proven yourself to be untrustworthy, there are those who will not, then, trust you.
You may never behave this way again...but your credibility as an honest person is damaged, once you've damaged it.
I think it's a matter of how selfish the person is or wants to be. The cheating itself was very selfish, but how you act after can be even more selfish. Obviously the right thing to do would let her know and see if she wants to keep on with the relationship. The reality is that most people are selfish and are looking out for their own best interests. If doing the right thing isn't in their best interest, then it's going to be a lot harder for them to do it. So if you don't want to risk a break up more than doing the right thing, then you shouldn't tell. If it really was a moment of weakness and nothing is wrong with the relationship, then you could get by with cheating one time. She has a right to know but you also have a right to choices. Another thing to consider is if you can handle the guilt. Again though, that's being selfish and looking out for your best interests, not hers.
I believe most people who cheat on their spouse will never tell. Why? It's the best of both worlds for them. They get the comfort in a marriage/relationship and the excitement of a fling. Why would they want to ruin that if everything was going fine? Pretty sad since marriage is supposed be about selflessness.
So ask yourself, are you looking out for your best interests, or hers?
But they can't really expect people they've screwed over (or those who know about their behavior) to find them trustworthy in the wake of major breaches of trust. It's a pretty common consequence that when you have proven yourself to be untrustworthy, there are those who will not, then, trust you.
You may never behave this way again...but your credibility as an honest person is damaged, once you've damaged it.
I agree, if there were vows exchanged. The OP's example indicated a spouse, so I assume there was a serious commitment where vows were exchanged. That makes a difference.
I think that is VERY different from the poster who confessed to "cheating" in high school, like I did, and who is therefore branded a "cheater" for life and deemed forevermore untrustworthy. I think there are a lot of relationships out there where there is assumed exclusivity without any real commitment. In my opinion, if there are no vows, no commitment, you are a free agent. In the eyes of my highschool bf, I cheated. In my mind, I didn't.
It's not always as black and white as a penis slipping into a vagina by mistake. Emotional cheating can be just as devastating and some people consider flirting to be cheating.
Do the same labels "once a cheater always a cheater" apply to the same degree? Are you branded "cheater" and a person of low character if you don't tell your SO about a flirtation you exchanged with the grocery clerk one evening?
You had a boyfriend. You lay on your back for someone else. You cheated. You're a cheat.
Seems pretty black-and-white to me.
And you know it; the waffle about commitment and vows is pure semantics, a cheaters typical attempt to justify their actions and place the blame on other people or circumstances, or as in this case, live in denial. It isn't something that gets washed away with phraseology or time. As I'm sure your ex-boyfriend could vouch for; it will always be yesterday for him, poor sod.
Slip up? Like you tripped on a banana peel, you landed on her, and OOPS your penis just fell into her vagina?
Whoah that was a wicked fall.
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