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I recently met someone a week ago, and so far its been ok. Well, in the midst of wanting to get to know them, they said two things that I don't know how to take.
When I asked why she had been single for so long(2 yrs) she said that she couldn't settle down because the last bf she had, she was supposed to marry and it did not work out. After that, she has had what she likes to call, "bf substitutes" I made it pretty clear to her that I did not want to be a "substitute" and that I was looking for a relationship.
The second thing, and this is what is really getting me, she said that she had told her mom that she liked me and that was good because normally, she would not have given me a second glance in a bar and would not have spoken to me otherwise....Wait, say what???
So I asked her why she said that, I told her that she could be honest and that she wouldn't hurt my feelings, is it because im not tall enough, or that I wear glasses or maybe my weight?
She refused to answer, just telling me not to worry about it, but its still bugging me, after all, you can't fix what you don't know is broken.
So at this point, I am worried that she is going to bounce just like I have had women in the past. I do like her so far and we have a great time and our personalities seem to mesh. She told me that she liked our conversation and my personality and that I was very funny, all pluses yay!
But I still can't shake off what she said, advice?
It's been two weeks. Do not over think it. Do not view it so "glass is half empty."
Item one I think she is just trying to explain her mental state in dating the last two years after what sounds like a rather emotional breakup. Could be she now feels ready for more of a relationship again. You can passively explore this through continued dating, to see how the chemistry develops and how she reacts.
The second item I would not read into. Maybe your just not her "type" visually that she would normally approach, but that doesn't mean she does not like you or does not find you attractive.
Really, she is dating you. That is a plus. She is telling people she likes you. That is a plus.
First, don't ask why someone is single. You may mean it in a complimentary way, like, "Wow, I can't believe someone like you doesn't have a boyfriend," but it's the same with your question about what she meant by saying normally she wouldn't have noticed you. People can take "why are you still single" to mean "what's wrong with you?"
Second, to me, "boyfriend substitute" means she went on a couple dates with some guys who were not long-term material. She may have realized this after spending time with them, or she may not have cared. Either way, I don't see anything wrong with it and I would forget it.
Last, that was a dumb thing for her to say to you. I'm sure she meant to be complimentary (like "why have you been single so long?") but it can easily be taken the wrong way. You can either stay hurt and anxious about it or decide whether she is otherwise kind enough to forgive. If she routinely puts her foot in her mouth or does thoughtless things, I'd reconsider dating her, but you barely know her at this point. Judge her on her present actions.
OP, how did you meet her? I think all her comment means is that you don't stand out in a crowd, so she wouldn't have noticed you, but because of the venue you chose (congratulations, it worked!), she had a chance to get to know your personality. So, you're living proof that women are attracted to guys by their personality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustJulia
First, don't ask why someone is single. You may mean it in a complimentary way, like, "Wow, I can't believe someone like you doesn't have a boyfriend," but it's the same with your question about what she meant by saying normally she wouldn't have noticed you. People can take "why are you still single" to mean "what's wrong with you?"
Second, to me, "boyfriend substitute" means she went on a couple dates with some guys who were not long-term material. She may have realized this after spending time with them, or she may not have cared. Either way, I don't see anything wrong with it and I would forget it.
Last, that was a dumb thing for her to say to you. I'm sure she meant to be complimentary (like "why have you been single so long?") but it can easily be taken the wrong way. You can either stay hurt and anxious about it or decide whether she is otherwise kind enough to forgive. If she routinely puts her foot in her mouth or does thoughtless things, I'd reconsider dating her, but you barely know her at this point. Judge her on her present actions.
Yes, I don't understand the point of that question. 2 years to be single is nothing, it's quite typical for a lot of women. After all, suitable partners aren't a dime-a-dozen, and even some attractive women don't get approached often, let alone more average women. And just because someone might approach a woman doesn't mean there will be mutual interest, and visa-versa; if she approaches, there's no guarantee of mutual interest.
When I asked why she had been single for so long(2 yrs)
Not a good idea. This is a question that implies that there is something wrong with her. The way you phrased it includes judgement.
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoundNinia
So I asked her why she said that, I told her that she could be honest and that she wouldn't hurt my feelings, is it because im not tall enough, or that I wear glasses or maybe my weight?
Why would you give her a list of your (perceived) faults???? This is like wearing a banner that says, "I don't even like myself. Why should you like me?"
Location: Huntersville/Charlotte, NC and Washington, DC
26,699 posts, read 41,742,544 times
Reputation: 41381
Quote:
Originally Posted by SoundNinia
I recently met someone a week ago, and so far its been ok. Well, in the midst of wanting to get to know them, they said two things that I don't know how to take.
When I asked why she had been single for so long(2 yrs) she said that she couldn't settle down because the last bf she had, she was supposed to marry and it did not work out. After that, she has had what she likes to call, "bf substitutes" I made it pretty clear to her that I did not want to be a "substitute" and that I was looking for a relationship.
The second thing, and this is what is really getting me, she said that she had told her mom that she liked me and that was good because normally, she would not have given me a second glance in a bar and would not have spoken to me otherwise....Wait, say what???
So I asked her why she said that, I told her that she could be honest and that she wouldn't hurt my feelings, is it because im not tall enough, or that I wear glasses or maybe my weight?
She refused to answer, just telling me not to worry about it, but its still bugging me, after all, you can't fix what you don't know is broken.
So at this point, I am worried that she is going to bounce just like I have had women in the past. I do like her so far and we have a great time and our personalities seem to mesh. She told me that she liked our conversation and my personality and that I was very funny, all pluses yay!
But I still can't shake off what she said, advice?
I think the writing is on the wall with both the bf substitute and the mom liking you comments. I don't expect this to work out.
It means she would not have been attracted to you if she didnt know your personality first.
Did you meet online?
I ask because thats the kind of thing I think of when I know I wouldnt have been interested in their appearance if I saw them somewhere. But if I know them from online I know their personality before their appearance; that makes it easier to be attracted to them.
And I dont like to be asked why Ive been single for so long. Is this a job interview? Am I being disqualified for it? Why havent -you- settled down? ...is what Id be thinking/saying.
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