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It is very troubling to me and i don't really know how to handle this. I'm not interested in the gory details but obviously something went wrong. I want to be firm but non-confrontational...??
Something along the lines of, "Our relationship is important to me, and sharing who we are is a way for us to grow closer." With one guy I flat out said, "I really care about you and I want to be able to trust you, but I feel like there are important things that I just am still in the dark about." That way it is emphasis on you, your need for trust, sharing, intimacy.
It is an uncomfortable place to be in, one fellow was very dear, but just kept so much of his life in the dark. Granted I don't need to know if all the first date, or even the first year, but by the time we'd been together 2 years and there were still HUGE areas he was keeping me in the dark about, I had to admit to myself it was a problem, and bottom line with me i did not trust him. Then asking myself, "Do I stay with someone i do not trust?"
Even seeing how he responds to such a conversation opener gives you information about him, and whether this is an obstacle for you or a deal-breaker, or something you can live with. Best wishes.
I don't think it is any of your business? Yes, it can hurt your feelings if he doesn't want to share every aspect of his life with you, if you are trying to share your life with him.... "but" if this is in the past and it is not something he wants to share with you, it really doesn't concern you? like, how he proposed to his wife?
also, being seperated for 2 years already, it is the past. Whether it's legally declared by the courts or not, it's just a piece of paper at this point. He's trying to move on with his life, the question is, can you swallow not prying into his past. P'rhaps he just needs to learn to trust you over time, and things will build considerably.
It's a red flag if he is so adamant, and closes you out of things as a pattern in your relationship, but if this is just where.. he doesn't want to discuss his previous relationship, maybe you need to just let sleeping dogs lie, for a bit.
I too, do not mean to offend you or anyone reading this. It's just my 2 cents
anifani821: They separated 2 years ago and sometime towards the end of 06, they tried to work it out and she moved back for 4 days ..... therefore, the clock started over. He says that it will be finalized this year ... i wonder if asking to see it on paper will be another 'no go zone?'
Well, I am so afraid of being hyper-vigilant and sounding over-reactive. However, I have been through divorce myself . . . so has my DH . . and all my friends, LOL . . . and so I am very suspicious about anyone who doesn't lay it on the line about their marriage and divorce. I have found that most people talk TOO MUCH about it, rather than not enuff, Hee Hee.
Here are the facts. If papers have been filed, then they are public documents and you can review them. So why he is being mysterious is beyond me. As for the "clock being set back," I had to laugh about that, b/c that is a detail that most people do not even bother with. This clearly indicates to me that one of them - and it would be interesting to know which one! - didn't really want the divorce. Hmmmm. Most people never reveal a FOUR DAY get together. So that sounds very odd.
Also, laws vary from state to state. Some do not require a separation period at all. Some only require 30 days. Some a year. But you can get an emergency divorce in most states, and indeed, you can file for divorce whether you have been apart or not. Only an uncontested divorce requires the one year separation, in most states. So this "set the clock back thing" is rather laughable (again, sorry to be sarcastic but I have heard it all before and so I am rather jaded).
Also, I know I sound mean spirited towards your guy, but he is not being forthright, and that makes not only my BS detector start screaming, all sorts of other bells, whistles and alarms are clanging in my head right now!
What I am saying to you is exactly what I would say to one of my friends or one of my daughters. I just don't want you to be hurt. No one deserves that.
Maybe he does not want to give you any ammo you will keep bringing up in the future if you two have a squabble! Last thing he might want to hear is you whining about how he proposed to "her" in a certain way...but not you. Petty things like that. I for one don't ever want to discuss my ex and the sad relationship I had with her. I'm not going into the details here...but believe me it was enough to cause me to stay single for 16 years and I don't ever want to be reminded of it again. From a guys point of view.
You don't need to know how he proposed to her or other intimate details like that. It's none of your busines.. It won't help you in any way to know that information, or to not know it. It is of no consequence. He should discuss what went wrong maybe. But I have to agree with the rst of the C-D bunch - the gory and intimate details are none of your business - just as your own gory intimates are none of his.
It would be nice to know, in a big picture way, what went wrong. I think that is a fair question. Like "she wanted kids and I didn't" or "we couldn't agree on religion". It seems that it could be helpful to a relationship to know, in a macro way, what went wrong and thus, what he is looking for now in a relationship.
But ... how he proposed ... no. This is a new relationship and those little details are really not helpful or relevant.
I don't think it is any of your business? Yes, it can hurt your feelings if he doesn't want to share every aspect of his life with you, if you are trying to share your life with him.... "but" if this is in the past and it is not something he wants to share with you, it really doesn't concern you? like, how he proposed to his wife?
I agree. His marriage is none of your business. All you need to know is that it's over and he's really moved on emotionally and legally.
I saw this thread yesterday, but wanted to think about my response. With my current boyfriend, in the beginning while we were only friends, I scared him a bit by telling him that I had noticed my relationship pattern was that I was bored with my boyfriends and one husband at the three year mark and by year five, I'd broken up with them and broken their hearts. So naturally, as we approached the three year mark of living together, he was nervous and would make jokes about it.
Otherwise, in the beginning of our relationship, we did not talk about our exes and even now, they are only briefly talked about. In our bedroom and the rest of our lives, our exes have no place in them. In becoming a couple, we started our lives together fresh and untainted by the ghosts of our old relationships. And this is also why it's easier to start a new relationship than it is to patch up an old tired one.
With the O.P.'s ex, first, you are dealing with a guy and I am from the old school of a gentleman never talks. And I feel the same way, a lady shouldn't kiss and tell either. At this point, this guy may also be really pissed at either himself or his soon to be exwife about how or why the marriage didn't work out. And he also doesn't want you to compare how he treated her versus you. Does she really want to know if her ex made some really grand romantic gestures to his ex during the early romantic days but with bitterness and disappointment has sworn to himself to be more cautious and conservative in his approach the next time?
Also, she met him in May, was friends first and now they are dating... imo they haven't been in a relationship very long and probably while this man enjoys her company, he doesn't actually LOVE her in marriage potential way yet. This thread reminds me of Graceful2's thread. She's also dating a recently divorced man for only 3+ months, and already she's broached the marriage topic with him. Newly divorced people are just very very gunshy of being in a serious relationship!!!
I'm guessing that sleepingbeauty30 is 30 years old and more than ready to get married. Well if she's in a rush to get hitched, she should pick a man that has never been married before because her current boyfriend is going to be very leery about another trip to the altar in the near future. If anything, him not talking about his failed marriage is a better strategy than making him rehash the gory details. And I feel that this man doesn't even want to talk about marriage now, not his old marriage, a future one, even about a friends' marriage or any other marriages at all.
So the more sleepingbeauty30 tries to talk about his failed marriage, the less likely her boyfriend will be in the mood to marry her, let alone keep her as his girlfriend.
Again, why do women have marriage on their brain? I feel that we have a tendency to define who we are and how successful we are as women by our status to the man in our lives. But our main priority in life should not be to catch a man's heart and make him want to marry us. It's never been one of my goals and that's why when I've been single, I am not anxious about being alone and I am not in a rush to date just any guy that is willing. Being single is fine with me. Being with the wrong guy is awful. And dating any guy for less than a year and thinking of matrimony is crazy and not smart.
sleepingbeauty30 should just relax and date this guy in a casual way. She should just enjoy his company for now and not try to think about his ex. Her actions should be natural and spontaneous and not influenced by trying to be better than his ex. It's not a competition. Everyone is unique and anyway, she should be her honest and true self to him, not calculating her moves to according to what the ex did in the past. He also might think that she was fishing for compliments, as in looking for ways that she is better than the ex. And instead of trying to be better than his ex, and trying to make herself marriage worthy, she should be finding out if this guy is worthy of marrying her. But again, he should not be judged by his ex and his past relationships. I don't need to interview my boyfriend's exes to know that he is a great guy and I also allow for him having grown personally since he's dated them. sleepingbeauty30's new boyfriend was married for ten years and he is a different person now than he was at the beginning of his marriage. At least there are no children involved.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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Originally Posted by Fiddlekitten
I don't think it is any of your business? Yes, it can hurt your feelings if he doesn't want to share every aspect of his life with you, if you are trying to share your life with him.... "but" if this is in the past and it is not something he wants to share with you, it really doesn't concern you? like, how he proposed to his wife?
also, being seperated for 2 years already, it is the past. Whether it's legally declared by the courts or not, it's just a piece of paper at this point. He's trying to move on with his life, the question is, can you swallow not prying into his past. P'rhaps he just needs to learn to trust you over time, and things will build considerably.
It's a red flag if he is so adamant, and closes you out of things as a pattern in your relationship, but if this is just where.. he doesn't want to discuss his previous relationship, maybe you need to just let sleeping dogs lie, for a bit.
I too, do not mean to offend you or anyone reading this. It's just my 2 cents
Only because I was helping out that sociopath many years ago that was dating multiple woman at the same time, I have to say I would have to know details.
The guy I tried to help out (along with two of his ex-wives) told his new women that he had only been married once and had two children, when actually, he had been married three times and had three children. (He has since gone on to have four kids with three women.)
He once took one to apply for a marriage license and she found out the truth at the courthouse and dumped him.
Not only would I have to know about all previous marriages, I would want to meet his ex-wife/wives. Hence...I'll never marry again, lol.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
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Originally Posted by anifani821
the key to why he is not talking may be hiding in the reason why he has not gotten this divorce finalized.
The other reason I would want to know. Any intelligent, caring man, should be able to gently discuss his failures.
So, refusing info, to me is a serious red flag. But discussing what you experienced and what you learned from those experiences is a sign of maturity and the willingness to be a better person and have better relationships.
Example: if a man said "By the time I realized I had been ignoring her our entire marriage, it was too late. I don't plan on making that mistake again. I've learned a lot from my first marriage."
Sorry guys, men often aren't the best of communicators, but denying your past to someone you are wanting to spend a great deal of time with is practically lying by omission.
And of course it is a sign of maturity for the woman or other half to not judge, but discuss the past and how you both can improve your futures.
Last edited by MainStreet; 01-17-2008 at 08:49 AM..
Well....it's going two ways....
I can understand, when he thinks "why get into that....I'm trying my best to get "OUT".
And the other "why disclose details from the past....you weren't in".
Anyway....not talking about it AT ALL, would make me wonder too.....
At least divulge at a little bit, and not leaving your current partner in your relationship "hanging" and wonder, what the heck happen...just a simple trust and common courtesy thing.
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I feel that we have a tendency to define who we are and how successful we are as women by our status to the man in our lives. But our main priority in life should not be to catch a man's heart and make him want to marry us. It's never been one of my goals and that's why when I've been single, I am not anxious about being alone and I am not in a rush to date just any guy that is willing. Being single is fine with me. Being with the wrong guy is awful. And dating any guy for less than a year and thinking of matrimony is crazy and not smart.
