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I don't think there is a right or wrong (false) perspective here. Many relationships and marriages do evolve from friendships, my marriage did as well as many of the other posters here who have stated so. And, sometimes friends simply remain friends. Sometimes relationships/marriages start out very passionately and then fizzle out (after the hot honeymoon stage) and divorce quickly follows bc there was nothing but passion and no friendship. Sometimes the passion never dies, but it's good to have a friendship to base a marriage on IMO. I think your perspective, like all others, is subjective.
I didn't say otherwise. But you don't gave to be friends first, nor is a pre-existing friendship alway going to be a good enough foundation for marriage. One of the best marriages I know of was my parents. They were the best of friends and had a great marriage, yet they started out as a blind date.
I simply don't subscribe to to OP's ideas. I believe that developing a romance and friendship can and quite often does occur simultaneously. Friendship can grow from attraction, but I do not believe that romance can always grow from friendship.
I didn't say otherwise. But you don't gave to be friends first, nor is a pre-existing friendship alway going to be a good enough foundation for marriage. One of the best marriages I know of was my parents. They were the best of friends and had a great marriage, yet they started out as a blind date.
I simply don't subscribe to to OP's ideas. I believe that developing a romance and friendship can and quite often does occur simultaneously. Friendship can grow from attraction, but I do not believe that romance can always grow from friendship.
I agree with you, you don't have to be friends first. Sometimes it works sometimes it doesn't, just like passionate heart-throbbing relationships can often fizzle and though many don't. This is all subjective, is what I'm saying. Heck, in many cultures you don't need friendship, passion nor to even have ever met the other person, other than being arranged to marry them. Sometimes even that works and sometimes not. There's no spectre of the right or wrong approach IMO.
The friend-to-relationship thing worked for me. I've never really dated, at 38 years old =x Went from friends -> living together kind of all at once.
Was friends with my now-husband for months. Some sort of switch flipped for both of us, I guess. he needed to be picked up one night so I drove on out. Came home with me, and he's never left That was ~20 years ago.
I don't think it's the only way to do things, though, at all. Everyone's different
I was friends first and I'm still friends with many exes. Not only that but Im friends withmmy brother's exgirlfriend as he is. My brother and sister in law were friends first. If you don't have a solid friendship it won't last.
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Quote:
Originally Posted by JoeCollege
How has this worked out for you thus far?
I'm guessing it hasn't, at all.
But I recall being on a discussion with the OP on another forum, because he has an interest in the field I work in, and well, lets just say his perspective on many things are outside the maintstream and while many of mine are, they were well enough outside of it that it would make it hard, if not impossible, for him to find the right fit for him.
I don't "date". Dating is as I understand it: "Getting to know someone with the intention of forming a current or future romantic relationship with them."
A lot of people seem to believe that being "alone" is one of the worst states you can be in, but I think being with someone, having unrealistic expectations of them, and then being disappointed when they don't meet these unrealistic expectations is one of the worst states to be in.
As someone who has suffered from Obsessive Compulsive Order-like mental anguish, I've had a lot of experience with my own mind. From this I've learned that a lot of my stress can be caused by my creating expectations for nearly every thing and I do have control of this. It is difficult to not do this often how ever as creating expectations to worry about seems to be almost automatic for me.
This is why I don't date. This is what I believe about Friendship and Love.
What are your thoughts?
You make some fair observations. I agree that disappointment is hard to bear, and that expectations should be realistic.
Re: intent...Goal setting and visualization are known tools for successful people. If you don't have intent to form a romantic relationship, it is a lot less likely to happen. Many of us visualize that state without giving into to the anxiety you mention. I do NOT have complete control over this process or the stress involved. However, that could be said for any relationship. Like those with my co workers, or relatives, or neighbors. I don't have intent to date them, but I have intent to treat them respectfully and kindly. It benefits me to do so. Could they disappoint me? Yep! They can, and will. But that doesn't mean I don't have certain expectations of their behaviors and choices. Or that I avoid interacting with them out of fear. Sometimes I'm disappointed, but I learn from the experience, forgive (or choose not to) and move on.
You're basically describing the process of emotionally distancing yourself to protect your self.
I don't think that dating is your problem. Anxiety is your problem.
You make some fair observations. I agree that disappointment is hard to bear, and that expectations should be realistic.
Re: intent...Goal setting and visualization are known tools for successful people. If you don't have intent to form a romantic relationship, it is a lot less likely to happen. Many of us visualize that state without giving into to the anxiety you mention. I do NOT have complete control over this process or the stress involved. However, that could be said for any relationship. Like those with my co workers, or relatives, or neighbors. I don't have intent to date them, but I have intent to treat them respectfully and kindly. It benefits me to do so. Could they disappoint me? Yep! They can, and will. But that doesn't mean I don't have certain expectations of their behaviors and choices. Or that I avoid interacting with them out of fear. Sometimes I'm disappointed, but I learn from the experience, forgive (or choose not to) and move on.
You're basically describing the process of emotionally distancing yourself to protect your self.
I don't think that dating is your problem. Anxiety is your problem.
I said unrealistic expectations, I didn't say to not have any expectations at all.
For me, as in my opinion, there's a great difference between fantasizing about marrying someone, making children with them, and living the rest of our lives together; and taking the stance of: "I am going to love you, you are going to love, and this is going to happen no matter what."
I'm not emotionally distancing myself, I'm making myself emotionally available while not forcing my fantasies on any one. If someone feels something intimate for me, then great! However if they do not, I'm not going to force them to feel any thing for me. If I created their feelings for me by doing some thing for them, then I would question the validity of those feelings being for who I am as a person and not for what I have done for them.
I know I have problems dealing with anxiety hence my OCD tendencies, this isn't something new to me.
On the subject of turning friendship into more: like many things in life, including dating a complete stranger, there are sometimes risks and things might or might not work out the way you intended.
Does this mean you don't even try and if things don't work the way you intended to how do you deal with them?
As a general sense I agree with you. I don't date although I'm just not the type to pursue men anyway. Sure it does make it harder to find a man but a relationship is not all that important to me (I guess that's easy to say when I'm not single right now but even if I wasn't I would still be okay) Being independent is my priority. Sure after being independent I guess it's time to care more about relationships but even then it's not something I would try to pursue. I know dating isn't artificial but like you said it feels more natural to just go with the flow.
I do think that love is first sight is very possible but it's not usually common and rarely works out. I would have to know the guy first to really be interested in being with him. Sometimes I can know enough about the guy without him knowing me since I'm an introverted reader of people IRL but that's a rare case and would more than likely happen with a celebrity (which is unattainable anyway) than a random guy.
You and I clearly have "off the wall" perspectives but that doesn't mean they are wrong.
As a general sense I agree with you. I don't date although I'm just not the type to pursue men anyway. Sure it does make it harder to find a man but a relationship is not all that important to me (I guess that's easy to say when I'm not single right now but even if I wasn't I would still be okay) Being independent is my priority. Sure after being independent I guess it's time to care more about relationships but even then it's not something I would try to pursue. I know dating isn't artificial but like you said it feels more natural to just go with the flow.
I do think that love is first sight is very possible but it's not usually common and rarely works out. I would have to know the guy first to really be interested in being with him. Sometimes I can know enough about the guy without him knowing me since I'm an introverted reader of people IRL but that's a rare case and would more than likely happen with a celebrity (which is unattainable anyway) than a random guy.
You and I clearly have "off the wall" perspectives but that doesn't mean they are wrong.
Thank you for your sharing your opinion, it feels pleasant for me to connect with someone who shares a similar view on a subject.~
It seems ironic to me for someone like me to see, from my perspective, that many people have a tendency to attempt to control many things when it comes to relationships and they do this on either a subconscious level where they are unaware of what they are doing or they simply won't admit it.~
I said it seems ironic to me for someone like me, because I actually have OCD tendencies without being officially diagnosed thus I actively put a great deal of effort into not trying to control everything with my mind which has made me aware of just how controlling I can attempt to be and this gives me knowledge on how to see this in others.~
Control to me seems to be the cause of expectations and when that attempt at control goes beyond what is probable to actually control, such as another person's feelings, unrealistic expectations seem to be created.~
Life is wonderful if you let yourself see it that way, I have no desire to make my life miserable by creating unrealistic expectations for myself and then be disappointed every day they don't come true.~
I could die tomorrow, why be sad all the time when I can be happy with what is and deal with the other emotions as they come?~ I have no desire to "speed up to sadness".~
Do I have dreams? Yes. Do I want more out of life? Yes. Will I grab a chance to make those things come true and persevere? Yes. Am I willing to do almost anything to get what I want, even go live in the woods in a tent? Yes.
I'm not going to try force someone to feel something though and nor am I going to worry myself over them feeling or not feeling something. I'm just going to try a lot to stay true to myself, to try to improve myself as long as my improvements feel like "me", and to try enjoy life.~
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That was ~20 years ago.
