Moving in together before marriage (boyfriend, women, husband, separate)
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Well, even in a marriage-obsessed culture like the US, people should be wise enough to live together BEFORE getting married. Of course is not the same to just date or to LIVE WITH someone to know the person, thats quite obvious!
Hi (OP) young lady,
I can't speak for others, it's like this, The very first time, I saw my girl, I knew, I had to win her over.
I felt very confident, it was only a matter of time that I would meet this young lady and after a short while, we we're going to be with each other forever. We met and fell in love, we spent all our time together, we lived together for about two years, then we made our plans to get married. We met the priest of our church, (Roman Catholic) after our discussion, he suggested, that we live a part for six months, then come back again, to see if we both felt the same, I said, father, I've been waiting my whole like to find her, I'm not leaving her now nor ever, I went over his head to the monsignor, Father "T" and six short months later we we're married. We paid for our own wedding ourselves, it was very lovely, the families and it was good times had by all. We've been very blessed, it's been 37 years plus the two years living with each other, LOL. My lady is my best friend, partner through thick and thin, we raised two great kids, we're grand parents now, loving life and living large, I wish all the best with you and yours, follow your heart, stay well.
If a few quirks and annoying habits are enough to end the relationship, you shouldn't be living together much less getting married.
I have done it both ways. Breaking up with someone that I'd been living with was just as painful and devastating as a divorce. In some ways, even more so, because it's a bit of a free-for-all, with no established rules. It's also not treated the same way by friends, families, and at the work place, who I think would have offered a lot more support if I'd been divorcing.
I think it's a bit foolish to think that just because you are not married, a break up is going to be easier and simpler than a divorce. Maybe if you never really merge your life together in a significant way. Not so, in my case. We'd bought a house together and had merged our lives in every way possible. The breakup was horrific and painful and left me emotionally damaged for a long time. I dunno, but I can't help but wonder if it would have been easier in some ways if we'd been married and went through the divorce process. We still needed lawyers and a judge, either way.
After I recovered, I made the decision that I would not even consider living with someone before marriage unless there was an engagement with a date set. In other words, the commitment was already established. To live with someone as a "test" to try them out to see if they are worth marrying is not something I'd ever advise.
Of course, both of my children are currently living with their SOs and ignoring my advice. They both seem happy so I am happy for them. But I worry about their hearts, I really do. Everyone has to figure it out for themselves.
I didn't move in with my husband until after the wedding ceremony. It was fun being newlyweds and learning about our quirks and habits, knowing that I wasn't being tested to see if I was worthy or not.
Last edited by Butterflyfish; 04-16-2015 at 01:24 PM..
It sounds like to me, if couples move in together before marriage things often fall apart and never lead to the next step. I almost feel like, if I get to that point in my life, I would just never move in with him until we were already married. Thoughts?
My wife (then future) and I were good friends in the beginning and shared an apartment. After we became a couple, we lived together and shared a bedroom. We were both in college at the time, agreed not to get engaged until after we both graduate, but we were also both broke. The initial incentive was to save money but we were also both curious how we would do living together... as a couple.
It worked out well. There was an adjustment time but we got through it. It was also nice to know that if things didn't work out, we knew before engagement which would get the whole family involved. We consulted my father and her mother... both of whom were more opened minded than the other parental figures. It was agreed to keep it quiet. By the time we announced our engagement, we revealed that we had been living together for past few years but at that point... it was a moot point.
A couple years later, we moved across the country, bought a house and got married. The transition to married life was quite smooth... boring actually... all of the excitement was already lived when we shared an apartment.
Despite societies rejection of non-married couple living together, I wholly suggest it if the couple is mature and seriously looking into a future together. However, part of being mature is also taking steps towards birth control.... worst thing to do is bring a child into this world under such uncertainty.
I actually despise society placing such restrictions on a couple learning how to live together. Its like they are imposing a fairy tail of a story on top of real people's lives filled with uncertainty, questions, and shades of grey.
Those times together (I was an intern, she was working on her masters) were among the best memories I have.... We struggled and had joyful times together.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by usayit
By the time we bought a house and got married, the transition was quite smooth. Despite societies rejection of non-married couple living together, I wholly suggest it if the couple is mature and seriously looking into a future together. However, part of being mature is also taking steps towards birth control.
I don't think this has really been rejected for 30 years, at least.
My partner and I originally moved in together because it made logistical/financial sense (since we were moving to a foreign country together), and also because we were crazy about each other. We've stayed this way years later because suprise, surprise--we love each other and enjoy making a home together. It's not an audition or a trial period, it's our life.
If you think you are going to live together (married or not) and *not* find out some annoying habits about your other half, then you're probably in for a surprise. On the other hand, I've never heard of a couple splitting up or getting divorced over the toothpaste cap being left off.
I don't think this has really been rejected for 30 years, at least.
Depends.... You may be right.
However, I'm 40+ and I grew up in a very conservative area of our country... I didn't fit in. People did react when they realized that we were sharing an apartment as friends... I would assume people would react even more once we moved in together in a single bedroom apartment.
My wife and I had a pretty unconventional friendship.... so by the time we actually moved in together, everyone close to us "knew" we were in it for the long run, even though ourselves didn't admit it to ourselves. They were ok with it.... others it was hard to tell.
I've heard that argument before but doesn't staying over at their place all the time show you their habits as well?
No way! I'm living proof:
Me: Married 15 years, divorced for 3.5 years. I'm coming up on dating my GF for 2 years, we've lived together about 6 months (and are happy).
Staying together, you get breaks, and you have a place to go to (even if you don't need it). You get to see how they live. Living together, you get to see if you can deal with how they live. Do they pull their hair out of the shower drain? Do they drink the last sip of milk and put the empty container back. Do they replace it? Do they really give a c-rap if the vacuuming happens, or if the dishes pile up? Do they get snippy if you break their rules? Do they leave the seat up/down? etc. etc. etc.
What I learned by moving in with my GF is about all of her annoying habbits. And what I REALLY learned is that she doesn't have any habbits that I can't handle. That is pretty comforting, but it could have gone either way.
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