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There is no amount of money or things, that can replace all that time you young ladies are having with your children right now...yes, homework, laundry, full time job....but believe me...raising children can be the most rewarding, postive thing you will ever experience. There is no man on
God's green earth that can give you that spiritual feeling of success, of great accomplishment, then being a mother.
The longer your alone, the more you wish to be alone.
I don't have much by any means...really made some bad choices in my life and started over several times....but cha know what....I dont' care...what I have is my health for now...I can work, and I can survive, we all surely know that...so, why not sit back and enjoy what we have in our lives right now, this very moment...b/c those kids will grow up and possibly leave....so relish and savor the moments you have now....and don't be sad you don't have a man in your life right now...first and foremost are those kids, and your happiness...and the only person who can make you happy, is YOU!
I'm sendin ya'll big smiles, cuz I can only now, sit back and imagine your lives with your children....one of the very best parts of my life.
Hugs to ya'll...
Creme
What a beaautiful post, Creme. I think it's kind of easy to talk (think?) yourself into feeling bad that you don't have the nuclear famm thing....especially after the holidays. As in, what's wrong with me, how come I don't have the Norman Rockwell pic here.....and this can lead (me anyway, just speaking for myself) to getting pretty down on the "how come I don't have a guy" road.
You are so right. I am so glad you shared with me/us about starting over and choices. Same boat here. And now, JUST AS I thought I got some things straightened out, kaboom.....looks like another tornado of "starting over" could be over the horizon. YOu helped me see straight....know what?
After YEARS of angst, etc.....my two are right now (well, TODAY!) feeling better about themselves, the family of 3 here is getting closer and I HAVE TO UNDERSTAND MY PRIORITIES......they/we have our health, we are getting along and close (again -- divorce is so DIVISIVE for everyone and sometime's it's hard to talk about it), school is working, and if we have other challenges.....I'll take them over a huge prob with the kids any day.
Thanks for the reality check.
Question to you experienced mothers out there......Do you feel that a "hideous" (word of day/week?) divorce, for some young people, delays the maturing process? Not in a huge bad (as in big trouble) way, but erodes their confidence to the point they kind of STALL OUT as far as, would we say......self esteem and emotional development? I see this with one of mine.....I think it depoends on the age they were when the (expletive deleted) started. The younger one seemed to take this in stride, but the older one seemed to process more....understand more? Understand LESS maybe? Be more emotionally involved?
I'm being vague, I bet....okay, what I am saying is, my divorce and what led up to it took quite a few years.....and it seemed to affect my older much more than the younger. Two different people, of course.
I also wondered....is the "hideousness" of the divorce related to the "moat" thing? I always thought so, and I see my older one building one too.......
Do single snowbirds (retirees from the north who winter in the south) that migrated when they were a couple, still migrate after they are single/widowed/divorced, etc?
I don't know anyone in that position, so I can't say. I do know an older couple, and the husband has been ill. They're snowbirds and thought they wouldn't go to Fla this year because of his health, but there's a respiratory component there, so they did go....haven't checked in with them lately.
I'm sure much depends on whether the single snowbird can still afford to do it, and whether they feel supported in both places. I would think that relatives in town, whichever one, would be a factor. $$ a big one, though...
This came up in another post, what's your experience, input, perspective on dating at age 50 and on up? On the one hand I'm just fine being single, but on the other hand it'd be nice to be with someone in a long-term relationship. When I try to force it to happen it blows up in my face LOL but if I just wait for it to happen does that mean I'll stay single? At what point do you resign yourself or accept that you'll stay single? Thanks! I always get so much out of what people share, everyone.
Know first what you really want. If you want a long-term relationship - hey my neighbor went on the computer and found herself a lovely husband.
I like the idea of it'll happen when it happens so I don't have to fret about it. Still...it would be nice to know not so much the "when" as the "if." I'm not putting my life on hold, I have engaging pursuits, and I really do like my life.
Also I like the idea some have put forth that it'll happen when I least expect, when I'm not "looking for it" it will come to me. It's great to read all these posts, especially from people who have met their sweetheart on the 50-side of life.
I remember reading somewhere too ages ago, and it always stayed with me, that if it is time for me to be in a relationship I will know because the person will show up in my life. Even if someone is living in a cave at the top of a mountain, and they are supposed to be in a relaltionship, one day someone will come knocking on the rock door of the cave, and there they are. I love that!
That may be true when one is young - one has many more options. But I'm a firm believer in finding your own happiness, even working toward it, and not just in the area of romance. It really works if you go after it.
Question to you experienced mothers out there......Do you feel that a "hideous" (word of day/week?) divorce, for some young people, delays the maturing process? Not in a huge bad (as in big trouble) way, but erodes their confidence to the point they kind of STALL OUT as far as, would we say......self esteem and emotional development? I see this with one of mine.....I think it depoends on the age they were when the (expletive deleted) started. The younger one seemed to take this in stride, but the older one seemed to process more....understand more? Understand LESS maybe? Be more emotionally involved?
I'm going to answer that question, by using me as an example. I was horrifed, when my last divorce came about, horrifed to find out, that I was not only being emotionally/verbally abused by him, but that he cheated...I didn't want to believe it...denial. Then came the seperation....and divorce, is just like a death. Even though, I knew he wasn't good for me...I moared the seperation, morned the fact that the marrige failed, and for a while, we all blame him. But...all of a sudden, I realized....I was in a hurry to get re-married, to get out there and date, to find someone to be with..why? God, I felt I couldn't be accepted by society IF I had no mate. How would I survive financially, emotionally....? So, That is what drove me to marry the first man who came along whom I thought was companion material.
We spend so much time, blaming him, when in fact, the sooner we can really be honest with ourselves as to WHY we chose him...the sooner we will mature. I remember my counselor saying to me...."Just make certain, you don't go out and pick another one like him. Men like that are very dangerous". He was....but looking at his incapablities was not going to solve my problem.
The more I self examined, at first, the more I was inclined to drop into denial....and then, one day, it dawned, the sun came up so brightly and I started to finally wake up.
We gain more answers, and mature, by taking a real good look at the reasons why, we were so confounded insistent on the fact that we HAD to be married. We don't!!!!!!
We don't have to be married to be successful, and we get by and work it all out the more we apply ourselves. Marriage to me, is an old old myth....it isn't all love and romance...it can't be....especially if we choose a really immature man, who was spoiled by his mother and everything he did was ok.
WE mature faster if, we can honestly, sit down with ourselves and admit to our own mistakes. Granted, he didn't have the right to do those things...but, why....why did I chose such a looser?
And that only YOU can answer by self examination. By getting out there and learning to do things BY Yourself....you cannot imagine how enjoyable it becomes, and habitual it becomes.
I, all by myself....and yes, I've had to work two jobs and probably will again..but it helped me accomplish dreams of travel....rent my own beach front home, 4 times.....and when I came back, I came back refreshed...no phones, no TV, no computer....why, b/c I communed with self....and at times, left my mind blank...no worries, no thoughts, just the moment.
It is a new life for me...and I'm so happy for the first time in my life, my life is mine...is it all about material wealth...no....I worked hard, and acheived a good paying job and now am better then I ever was before. Yeah, I have problems...some very big ones, but mostly small ones...but I've learned how to deal with them and I expect no one, to get me out of the creations I myself caused.
Once I divorced myself from the idea of a husband or the so called, need to have one....I tell you, I couldn't be happier. I have no one to answer to....no one whose feelings I put before mine...no one to worry about going home and cooking for, so I stop a lot of times, with a great book and eat out. It is marvelous...and the attention to detail, I've learned is absolutely stunning...I even treat myself and go to some of the finest resturants by myself...it's a blast...35.00 a plate, drinks, appetizers, everything "a la carte", but it is a blast...and I've met the most marvelous people, now, very confident, and no expectations!!!!! Do you know, how many times my husband took me out to eat to a very trendy expensive establishement?????? I go to movies, walks in the park, go swimming, and you'd be surprised at how many glorious people there are out there, and how many women actually start talking to you. I met the nicest woman attorney on the beach one time who was going thru a horrible time with her husband, and she was asking ME for advice?
We've all been there.....and I realized, I have no thing to feel ashamed about, or uncomfortable about...am I going to sit here and morn or am I going to get out there and do...I'm not a wanna be, I'm a doer...hmmm, doer....is that a word?
No one is going to take care of me, but me....so, I do what I have to, to survive...no one is going to make me happy but me...if I'm not happy, I'm certainly not going to make anyone else happy, including a mate.
lastly....no one, has the answers but you...and now, knowing what I know....after my experiences...I know...that I never knew real true happiness before.
I wish, though, I wouldn't have been so worried about what other people thought, when I was younger. I wish I would have said, "Yanno, it's not my job to hang up your clothes or pick up after you....it's not my job to do it all...your living here to....and you owe it to yourself, let alone me, to pitch in, and if you don't...we're going to counseling or....I'm leaving, because, I am not your mother....maybe, he would have respected me more? I dunno, but at least I would have said it. I didn't.
and now, I can say it to anyone, I refuse to be anyone's door mat. Peace, my friend, at all costs...is no peace at all....you don't compromise your identity for people who fear seeing you happy and as long as your doing the best that you can....and not hurting anyone, you don't have to look for approval from anyone to be happy.
It took me 10 long years of pain, heartache and taking the blame, just to keep peace, so I could see my son, and grand daughter, what, maybe once or twice a year? And I got nothing back but more blame and disrespect, and I took that from someone who has never had any respect for herself...nor care for the feelings of others. NO MORE!
And once you say no and mean it, a whole new world opens up for you, regardless if they are with you or not. Making yourself a victim is not acceptable. Living YOUR life is....and if you wanna go jump off the 8th street bridge with a bungy cord, then do so...if that is what is going to make you happy. All I say is, don't ask anyone but yourself if you should do it...cuz if you do, people will say no, b/c they have never done it and they fear it and don't know what that maybe 2 minutes of shear freedom feels like.
But, you don't need a mate in your life to be successful....you want someone in your life, if...he is compatible to you mentally, morally, and is just as conscienscious as you are. When you get to know you, you know your needs, and then, you can better chose a companion for life. And remember, it is no one's JOB TO MAKE YOU HAPPY. They can't do it, if you are not already in a good place yourself.
Just my experience.
hope I've shed some light?
hugs creme
Last edited by cremebrulee; 01-18-2008 at 09:17 AM..
There is no amount of money or things, that can replace all that time you young ladies are having with your children right now...yes, homework, laundry, full time job....but believe me...raising children can be the most rewarding, postive thing you will ever experience. There is no man on
God's green earth that can give you that spiritual feeling of success, of great accomplishment, then being a mother.
The longer your alone, the more you wish to be alone.
I don't have much by any means...really made some bad choices in my life and started over several times....but cha know what....I dont' care...what I have is my health for now...I can work, and I can survive, we all surely know that...so, why not sit back and enjoy what we have in our lives right now, this very moment...b/c those kids will grow up and possibly leave....so relish and savor the moments you have now....and don't be sad you don't have a man in your life right now...first and foremost are those kids, and your happiness...and the only person who can make you happy, is YOU!
I'm sendin ya'll big smiles, cuz I can only now, sit back and imagine your lives with your children....one of the very best parts of my life.
Hugs to ya'll...
Creme
I asked an 80something friend of mine what was the happiest time of her life. She said "When the kids were young." I know what she means. She had a good husband, too.
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Remember - before we were married, we were single too! 
