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About seven months ago, a relationship ended for me, where the man was truly not what he appeared to be. I grew really attached to the fake him, not knowing he was not real. When it ended, ugly on his behalf, I took it hard. In the months following, I did what needed to be done in terms of self care.
Now, I have been putting out my feelers again, but much to my surprise, I find myself having triggers or flashbacks, causing me to respond disproportionally to what was said or done, such as shutting down, closing myself off, not seeing the humor in intended humorous statements, etc., and I do confuse and put off the recipient(s) as a result. I am otherwise a fairly relaxed, level-headed person with a great sense of humor, but these triggers are new to me, and I'm afraid I will nip potentially new connections in the butt before they really take off the ground. I need to be careful, weighing my responses, but I would like these triggers to go away again. They are analogous to touching a hot plate, instant reaction, before the rational brain even kicks in. I am very embarrassed to have them, and am beginning to doubt my social competence at times.
Anyone had similar experiences, and what did you do to manage? Thanks!!
About seven months ago, a relationship ended for me, where the man was truly not what he appeared to be. I grew really attached to the fake him, not knowing he was not real. When it ended, ugly on his behalf, I took it hard. In the months following, I did what needed to be done in terms of self care.
Now, I have been putting out my feelers again, but much to my surprise, I find myself having triggers or flashbacks, causing me to respond disproportionally to what was said or done, such as shutting down, closing myself off, not seeing the humor in intended humorous statements, etc., and I do confuse and put off the recipient(s) as a result. I am otherwise a fairly relaxed, level-headed person with a great sense of humor, but these triggers are new to me, and I'm afraid I will nip potentially new connections in the butt before they really take off the ground. I need to be careful, weighing my responses, but I would like these triggers to go away again. They are analogous to touching a hot plate, instant reaction, before the rational brain even kicks in. I am very embarrassed to have them, and am beginning to doubt my social competence at times.
Anyone had similar experiences, and what did you do to manage? Thanks!!
The hell's a "Feeler?"
You haven't met someone who has knocked your socks off. Most women usually go for a "rebound guy" to let it all out before they jump back into the market. Oh yeah, relationships are about living in the moment and having a good time. Who cares if he was "fake?" You had a good time, for what it's worth, and that should be enough for you to move onto the next good time you can find. I'm not sure if this advice applies to women, but relationships should not be the center of your universe.
You haven't met someone who has knocked your socks off. Most women usually go for a "rebound guy" to let it all out before they jump back into the market. Oh yeah, relationships are about living in the moment and having a good time. Who cares if he was "fake?" You had a good time, for what it's worth, and that should be enough for you to move onto the next good time you can find. I'm not sure if this advice applies to women, but relationships should not be the center of your universe.
That is it.
I wish I was wired the way some of you all are. I SWEAR I'm not saying this to be snarky or sarcastic, I wish I had that mindset. Like if there was a little tiny plug or wire in my brain I could cut or unplug and be this way I SWEAR I would.
I was told a couple of days ago that I'm an empathy, a "feeler" (a different kind of "feeler" the OP is talking about! ). When I feel, I feel. Recovery from that is absolute HELL, takes a long time and a lot of mental and emotional resources to work through. I imagine the OP is the same.
Who cares if he was "fake?" You had a good time, for what it's worth, and that should be enough for you to move onto the next good time you can find.
Because it's wrong to lead people on, and lead them to believe a person is someone they are not, that the relationship is something that it's not. That really shouldn't have to be explained to you.
If you feel that way, it's probably too early to be dating. Some of your reactions will fade if given enough time. But stay open to meeting someone new. You can probably get through this without therapy. Take deep breaths...
I've been in your shoes before. Sometimes a person will show their true face after a week. Sometimes after a month. And sometimes it takes years.
You just have to develop a thicker skin, watch out for red flags, and take things slow. There are lots of bad people out there, including sociopaths.
I've experienced "triggers" as a result of anxiety and stress. My triggers were not related to an ended dating relationship, (a loss much worse really) but the result of being triggered was similar, and often stronger, than what you are describing. I've spent a lot of time and effort learning to not respond to the triggers. I've learned that I can't stop a trigger necessarily, but I can control my response to it. How I do that would take pages and pages and pages to explain. It wasn't something I learned over night. It takes focused, consistent, and concentrated effort for me not to spiral into an anxious mess.
One good bit of advice--focus on the here and now. When you are triggered remind yourself of the date and the differences in the situation. One mental phrase I use/d a lot, "That was then. This is now." It's silly, but it works for me.
Because it's wrong to lead people on, and lead them to believe a person is someone they are not, that the relationship is something that it's not. That really shouldn't have to be explained to you.
No, you only care because you are expecting he/she to be "the one." You should be enjoying the time you spent not thinking about the future.
I wish I was wired the way some of you all are. I SWEAR I'm not saying this to be snarky or sarcastic, I wish I had that mindset. Like if there was a little tiny plug or wire in my brain I could cut or unplug and be this way I SWEAR I would.
I was told a couple of days ago that I'm an empathy, a "feeler" (a different kind of "feeler" the OP is talking about! ). When I feel, I feel. Recovery from that is absolute HELL, takes a long time and a lot of mental and emotional resources to work through. I imagine the OP is the same.
This was my thought to that post too. I WISH I could just flip a switch and be over someone the way some people here claim they can be.
Your mind might know that person is dishonest and not worth another thought, but getting your heart and your emotions over that person is not so easy. I've been there more than once, and suffered a staggering betrayal when I was married.
I don't know how deep you were in with this person, but therapy can really help you work through something like this. I do believe every new person you meet deserves the benefit of the doubt until they prove otherwise. If you can't do that right now, then you're not ready to date and it's really unfair to drag your baggage from this past relationship onto the back of a new person.
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). When I feel, I feel. Recovery from that is absolute HELL, takes a long time and a lot of mental and emotional resources to work through. I imagine the OP is the same.
