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Okay, I'm new to this posting thing so I'm not sure the message above this one is showing where I thought it would. Bear with me. I'll get use to this.
Okay, thanks to the person who threw in the soap operas. No disrespect taken. That was actually quite comical and I needed the laugh. =)
Since I'm replying and the posts aren't landing where I thought they would, I'm just going to answer some of the questions and what not here.
Yes, I do really believe he'll try to kill himself. Or he'll at least try to shake my life up with the threats. After we got back together a few years ago, things went well. But, the first year was extremely rough. He would throw my affair up any chance he got. He quizzed me on the details. He told everyone who we knew about what I had done. It was horrible. Then one day I mustered up the courage to tell him that when he said he forgave me and wanted us to give this another try, that meant that he accepted the fact that it happened but he had to let it go. He'd never forget, as I would never forget his affairs but our mistakes from the past would ruin the marriage. I guess it was already ruined and I just didn't see it. So, he finally agreed and dropped it for a while. Then a year or so later we got into an arguement one night and things went haywire for about 2 years. Every day he would cry and say how I didn't love him. He didn't care who was around. He would cry. It was almost tantrum like. Every day he would threaten to kill himself since I didn't love him, that was the excuse. He said that it was his fault that I had fallen in love with this man who gave me the attention that I deserved. He said that he never paid me enough attention. He admitted that he didn't appreciate me in my role as his wife and our children's mother. I guess this is where the charm came in. He began to overdo things. For example, there was one week where we were financially strapped. We had 75 bucks for groceries and we were broke for the week. He ordered flowers for me and sent them to my work that week... 65 bucks worth. That left 10 bucks for groceries... for 5 people. He couldn't understand why I was upset. I tried to explain that while it was nice for him to think of me, he could've stopped and picked wild flowers if he wanted. He could've done something different... something besides spending our grocery money on flowers. I don't know... he just became so irrational. I wanted to leave so bad. Each day I'd wreck my brain trying to figure out how in the hell I was going to get out of this. I was so afraid that he'd really kill himself if I left and I feared the guilt. I feared my children growing up and blaming me for his cowardness. If they did, I would surely lose my mind. I was just so afraid. Then one day, the middle child freaked out. I don't remember the details I just remember that he didn't agree with a punishment I had handed out to him. He got very upset and said, "This ain't fair! You don't love me! I'm just gonna kill myself!" I freaked out. I took my husband to the bathroom, I was sobbing. I said, "Do you see what's happening? Do you see what our children are learning from this behavior of yours?" I spent that day with my son. We talked a lot and he's not said anything like that since then, and neither has my husband. I convinced him that he needed help and so like a mother with a child, I held his hand and took him to doctors. I picked up his medicine. I watched as he took each pill. I had to, or he'd throw them in the garbage. The doctors thought he may be bipolar and as soon as he heard that, he never went back. He quit taking the meds. Since then, he really has come a long way. I don't know how, but he has. He no longer makes the threats. He sleeps now and he doesn't cry for days on end. But he's turned into this mushy guy. I use to be one of those women who wanted a man who wasn't afraid to cry, and one who would send her flowers, and all of that. Now, it's just gross to me. I've told him that I need him to be strong for our family and be the man of the house. I whole heartedly believe that he is trying. I really do. I guess that's how I'm at this point right now. I feel so guilty for not wanting to try. I feel guilty for not appreciating what he does. It just seems that all of this damage can't be reparied. Not within me anyways. I know that if I walk away it would be the best thing for him and for me. He would hurt for a while, yes. But he will eventually move on and see what I've seen for years. It's just not working. That's what I hope for. Then there's the what if. What if he does kill himself? What if he attempts it and doesn't succeed but ends up like a vegetable? Will I feel obligated to care for him? I've stayed for so long because I feel obligated. I feel sad for his parents as well. They too, adore me. His mother and his grandmother tell me how blessed he is to have had me walk into his life when I did. I love them as well. They are good people. They did push us into marriage. His grandparents that is. Everyone around us was getting married and his grandmother was almost physically sick at the thought of us living together without being married. Our children were bastards to her, but she loved them. I couldn't wait to please her. She'd helped us so much along the way and I wanted to make her proud. So he asked me, we set a date, and her Christmas gift was an invitation to our wedding. I'd never seen the woman so happy, and for that I was happy. Two weeks before the wedding I broke down. I remember looking at myself in the mirror and I just lost it. I dropped to the floor and just cried. I called a good lady friend of mine, who was helping with the wedding plans, and I told her that I couldn't do it. I couldn't marry him. I knew this wasn't the right thing to do becasue we weren't marrying for the right reasons. She reassured me that I was just having "cold feet". Everything would be fine. She said I was letting the pressure and stresses from the wedding get to me. I finally calmed down and went on with things. A few weeks later I ran into the other man. He had heard through my family that I was getting married. He asked me if I was sure of this and if he made me me happy. I told him yes. A few weeks went by and I couldn't shake him from my thoughts. I wanted to call him and tell him that I'd lied and that I was terribly scared that I was making a mistake. But I didn't. He was engaged and I felt that nothing good would come of the call. So I let it be. A few years later when we found each other again, I told him this story. He said he would've give anything if I had called him.
As for the other man. I have no intentions of cheating with him. I've been cheated on. I remember what that feels like and regardless of what my husband has done or what he hasn't done, he doesn't deserve that. I know that the world won't end if I don't run to him. But I won't deny that I'm afraid of never knowing with him. I know that I am not ready for a new relationship and I would love to get to know myself. Seems I've lost myself along the way somehow. I'd like to go back to college. I quit because my husband was afraid that I'd meet another man, one who was smarter than him he said. His tantrums made it nearly impossible for me to focus on my studies. I had a choice of taking a C in a class I knew I could ace or quit. So I quit. I'd love to get my health back on track again. I've gained a whopping 60 pounds since we got married. I want that off. I'm working on it now and I've actually lost 2 pant sizes. These little accomplishments give me hope. Although, last night my husband said that he wants me to stay "chunky". He said that I can already attract any man that I want and if I get skinny again, I'll have more eyes on me than he can handle. I wanted to cry. I just know that my heart isn't where it should be. And I think it's because of everything we've been through. Even if it's not the other man, I feel like there is somewhere else I'm supposed to be, and it's not with my husband. He knows it's coming I guess. He tells me all the time that he hopes that I find someone one day who can truly make me happy and give me what I need. He reminds me that no man will ever love me the way he does and sometimes I'm afraid of finding out that he may be right.
Each day is fake. Last night we got along very well. But I think it's because I'm leaning towards the divorce. After I posted my first story or what not, I felt so relieved to share what I'm feeling inside. It was almost heavenly. I wish I could talk to my husband about this but he just screams and slams doors and asks, "So when should I expect you to leave?" He doesn't hear me. He won't try to see this with open eyes. I'm looking forward to the day that I pack up and leave. Thoughts of that day flood me with feelings that I can't put into words. I smiled a lot last night as I thought of this whole leaving thing and he noticed. He said it was nice to see me smile like that again. He just doesn't know that it's not because of him. I don't like me anymore. I'm not proud of the woman I've become. And to the person who said that the children would think this type of marriage is okay for me so it should be for them, I know that they deserve a better example from me as well. But, I also know that children love their parents, regardless of their issues. I know that a divorce would crush them. I remember my parents getting a divorce and it hurt so bad. I also know now that I'm grown, it was for the best. I also realize that in terms of new relationships, I have to show more respect for my children than to just jump into something new. They need time to grieve and process their feelings. I would never rush them into something like that. It just hurts so badly to see your children hurt for mistakes that we make. They didn't ask for this. Knowing that you're the source of their tears... it's horrible. I guess that's why I stay. Leaving will make me happy, and it would hurt so many others. As for counseling, that's so much easier said than done. If I go to counseling with him, it would be pointless to lie about my feelings. He already knows I'm unhappy and think there is a better life for us both outside of this marriage. Eventually my feelings will be revealed to him, the deepest inner most feelings. What's going to happen after the counseling session is over and I have to go home with him? He'll cry. He'll scream. He'll punch the walls or doors. He'll take things out on the children tha have nothing to do with them because he's angry. What's the point in all that? I'd love to go on the other hand so someone else can tell him that we're fighting for a lost cause. But would that even get to him? Then that vow that I took, that I shared with God and everyone around us plays in my head like a broken record... "for better or for worse."
I know what I have to do. It's just doing it.
Thank you for reading and allowing me to lay my burdens upon you for a moment. I've never felt so relieved in all my time. I appreciate all of your comments. Even the soap one. I know that my life is a lot like that only not so fancy. Fancy would probably complicate it that much worse so I guess I'm thankful for that. Anyways, I'll post again and let you all know what happens. In the mean time, if you have any further advice, I'd love to hear it.
~Lost
So you are now about 28? You have a lot of time to undo your mistakes and reposition yourself for a happy life. However, you chose to have 3 kids with this man, so their welfare is your primary concern. The last thing you need right now is a new man in your life.
If you feel your family would be better off if you were divorced, then OK. Spend a few years being independent, and getting your **** together, so you don't continue to make bad decisions as far as men are concerned.
This is exactly what I need. Some time for me and the children, getting to know me again. I'd love that.
Well, it sounds like you've pretty much made up your mind. I know I'm in the minority here and this isn't popular advice, but I would tend to come down on the side of trying to salvage the marriage. I do see marriage as a life-long commitment, a covenant between two people before God. Now repeated adultery certainly can be a deal-breaker as it's been called in this thread. Has he truly changed though?
You guys obviously have some truly serious issues. Again, I know you will make up your own mind in the end, but since you asked...I would encourage you to at least try to the counseling route. (In fact, your husband might benefit from some personal counseling/ medication as well.)
Regarding what you term your own emotional affair, I don't think it surprising that you would be vulnerable to fallling into a situation such as that. Given the right circumstances, I think many of us are vulnerable to that. But I also wouldn't attach more importance to it than it deserves. In other words, this man may not be your "soulmate" as much as just he happened to come along and meet some very desperate emotional needs at a time when you were very vulnerable and needed someone. (Hope I am making sense here.)
I don't really even know why I am posting this... I've never posted anything in my life. I know that I ultimately have to make my own decision here but I guess I'm looking for insight. But, I'm pretty sure that I want a divorce.
I'm married with 3 children. I believe that I'm no longer in love with my husband, and I'm 99.9% sure that I want a divorce. So what's with the other 1%.
Background history? Sure. Met in high school. Had unprotected sex, 9 months later a child was born. This child is now almost 11 years old. Her relationship with her father is more of a brother sister type bond. He wasn't around much for the first few years of her life and so I guess they never bonded as parents. He was 17 and so was I. To this day, they bicker like crazy and I'm constantly having to remind him that she's the child and he's the adult. Anyways, he cheated off and on for about 4 years. In that time we had another child. I know that I was stupid for staying with him but I was trying to avoid raising the children in split homes. Ironic isn't it... here we are today. He stopped cheating. We got our own place. Married 2 years later. We've both admitted to one another that we should've never married when we did because neither of us wanted to really. Pressures of living together and having children out of wedlock began to get to us both so we just did it. We've since had a third child. We've been together for 11 years, married for almost 8.
I adored him. Through the affairs and the lies, I adored him. I knew though, that deep down he didn't love me in the same way. Right after the third child was born our marriage went tumbling down hill. We rarely spoke and when we did, we were screaming at one another. It was just unbearable. I eventually left him and he didn't care. Soon after, I had an emotional affair. Emotional because it was never physical, and affair because I was still married. The husband found out about it and all of a sudden, he loved me. Couldn't be without me. Couldn't live without me. He begged and pleaded and cried and out of guilt I went back to him. I told myself that it would work, one way or the other. For a year or so it was great again. I felt that I had made the right decision. Now here we are, again.
He has changed from the person he used to be. He's very insecure. He has a job but has no desire to do better for our family. He talks a lot about what he wants but he doesn't "do". He's wonderful to me though. He helps with house chores. He sends me flowers on occasion for no reason at all. He tells me each day that I'm beautiful, he loves me, he's so lucky to have a wife like me, etc. He's truly a jewel these days. But, I'm not in love with him. I'm just not. I don't care to have sex with him but I do it anyways out of fear of him relapsing and falling into a depression again. I often fantasize about what life would be like without him. I don't know if he loves me or if he's just obsessed. The sweet compliments turn my stomach anymore and I just smile. I no longer appreciate the things he does for me, like cooking on occasion or simple household chores. He told me last night that he wished he was strong enough to divorce me because he would to get off of the roller coaster ride. I secretly thought to myself that I'd love for him to find the courage as well. He's offered to go to counseling with me but honestly, I'm to the point where I don't have any desire to fix this marriage and I want out.
He's madly in love with me, or obsessed. And all I can think about is a future without him. So why am I so terrified to actually do it? Leave and file for divorce. I know that I'm afraid of being alone. I know I'm afraid that he will try to kill himself. I know that I'm afraid that he'll move on with his life and I'll be jealous of a new woman playing mom to my children. For some reason, I have this feeling that if I divorce him, I'll regret it. I just don't know what to do or think or feel anymore.
On top of all of that, I still love the man that I had the affair with. I bump into him from time to time and he makes me feel crazy inside, just by looking at him. He's actually a family friend. We've know each other since we were kids in elementary school. I wonder how things would've worked out. I wonder why we still run into one another. I wonder why he's still single. I know that he feels the same towards me. But, I don't want to get into one of those leaving one for the other deals. But, I feel horrible for thinking of him in the way I do and I know for this reason alone my husband deserves better.
I just don't know what to do.
Counseling may be your one ticket out, and also, may help you to realize a lot of things about yourself, about this relationship, and the mistakes you have made, as well as him.
I say go for the counseling...sounds like you need it anyway, and then, if that doesn't work, at least you can say to yourself, you tried...b/c your going to leave eventually, there is just a right or wrong way to do it.
As far as him...he has a lot of issues and is playing on your mind, (manipulation) very unfair.....
and, who knows, maybe the counseling will have such a positive outcome for both of you, that you'll both go your seperate ways and there will be no guilt but more so, wanting the other to be happy and succeed in life. This way, your stagnant.
He is obviously unstable. I say get out regardles of the outcome. Before he does go off the deep end and kills you then himself. If he is that messed up in the head he takes his own life...then so be it. And no...your in no way obligated to care for him if he failed only to become a living vegetable. I feel he is abusing you with this behavior and you need to get the heck out. If you don't...you only have yourself to blame for the living hell you will no doubt experience. You should have walked out the door the very first time he mentioned suicide. It's a game and he's using that method to keep you trapped. GET THE HECK OUT OF THERE!
I was just so afraid. Then one day, the middle child freaked out. I don't remember the details I just remember that he didn't agree with a punishment I had handed out to him. He got very upset and said, "This ain't fair! You don't love me! I'm just gonna kill myself!" I freaked out. I took my husband to the bathroom, I was sobbing. I said, "Do you see what's happening? Do you see what our children are learning from this behavior of yours?"
He'll scream. He'll punch the walls or doors. He'll take things out on the children tha have nothing to do with them because he's angry.
I am sorry but if the cheating wasn't the deal breaker, the above things would have me getting the heck out of there.
You have to protect your precious children.
The life lessons they are leaning is it is ok to threaten to get things you want and if you don't get your way, along with it is ok to take things out on others when you are angry.
Only he can be responsible for his actions.
If he refused to go back to the Doctor or take his meds because he didn't like what they told him chances are he is not going to be a willing & honest participant in counseling.
Over the summer I found a good 'therapist' - at the outset I told her that I had made my decision to leave, but I needed help getting through the actual steps. I don't think that all therapists are skilled, but she was perfect - very collaborative and kind of low key, didn't function in "labels" - just sort of gave her reactions to things. All I can say is that I am out! When I said 'good-bye' I told her she was so effective - I don't know if it was me or her, but I did it!
Regardless of what you decide, no one deserves to live in a miserable situation. The fact that he doesn't support your desire to go to college or to be healthy would be enough for me to call it quits.
At the very least you should talk to a counselor, as has been suggested above. The best thing would be for both of you to go, but if he won't, go by yourself. You obviously are about to explode worrying about it all. Talking to someone objective could only do you good.
Regardless of what you decide, no one deserves to live in a miserable situation. The fact that he doesn't support your desire to go to college or to be healthy would be enough for me to call it quits.
At the very least you should talk to a counselor, as has been suggested above. The best thing would be for both of you to go, but if he won't, go by yourself. You obviously are about to explode worrying about it all. Talking to someone objective could only do you good.
That was the kicker for me. He doesn't want you to better yourself because of his insecurity, and he refuses to help himself out of his insecurity with counseling and medication. It's almost a catch-22.
I REALLY feel for your situation. Normally I am the first one to say stay, stay, stay; but he is manipulating you in a very dangerous way. It sounds as if he had an epiphany of sorts after he found out about your emotional affair. However, instead of using that enlightenment to better himself and the marriage, he turned it into an obsession to keep you with him at all costs. I think it is heavy, heavy guilt on his part and it is really sad that you are suffering through this.
I would suggest that you do consider counseling, because it could possibly help, and if you tried that avenue and eventually left anyway, at least you would know that you tried your best.
I feel so sorry for the children, they are innocent in all of this and subjected to the results regardless.
It sounds like you are a good person; do your very best to deal with the situation and if you are a religious person then pray for guidance.
I just want to say thanks to all of you who have written back to me. I have girlfriends who have all told me to leave but it's always easier for them to say, and easier for me to disregard somehow. I feel sorry for my children, too. I can't express to you how I hurt for them. I've stayed in this because of them for so long. I realized one day that staying for the children is never the answer. They suffer more than you could ever imagine. I guess I know they're hurt, one way or the other. Stay or leave. I do believe that they will be stronger, emotionally, if we go. I know that things could be worse. He could come home and beat us and he could spend endless hours at the local bar. But, I also know he could be better than this. To the person who asked if I really think he's "changed", no I don't. I know that it's only a matter of time before the old patterns return. Please don't let me mislead anyone, I know that I too make mistakes, as I am human as well. I do think that our family needs counseling. Maybe even after the divorce, it would be good to continue that for a while, for the children at least. After reading my own words... I just can't believe I've let it get this bad. Well, I'm leaving the office now. I won't post over the weekend as he'll surely catch me and go mad. Once again, thank you all for taking your time to give a stranger a shoulder, as well as advice. I know for certain now what I must do. You are all jewels. Even the funny guys. =)
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