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Old 01-17-2008, 06:24 PM
 
2 posts, read 4,169 times
Reputation: 10

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I desperately need help for a friend. I'm to offer words of wisdom and I'm stuck. Part of me is disgusted by her actions and the other part of me does not want to be in the middle of this B-S.

Recently, a friend of mine who is engaged to a wonderful man and is to be married this year, has told me she has been seeing a guy on our job and they have developed a very deep connection as they have recently been going out for drinks and dinner, unbeknownst to her fiance.

The guy acts like a prick! He's not liked by many on the job and I'm afraid he's only after her for a piece of a$$! She continues to tell me something seems to be missing with her fiance- but wouldn't you have known that before getting involved with the other guy? This has only come about once financial matters of the wedding had arised. In the meantime, the guy from the job doesn't let her up for air and keeps feeding her nonsense.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as I don't want her to think I'm only telling her not to do this just because I think the other guy is a prick, but because you can't spend 3 years of your life with someone and once money becomes an issue, turn to someone else for comfort and connect within 1 month- I think he want to connect with her for other reasons, nothing real (as she continues to dream up). Exactly how do I tell her because I'm getting pissed off!
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Old 01-17-2008, 07:53 PM
miu
 
Location: MA/NH
17,635 posts, read 37,287,781 times
Reputation: 17512
I think that you've made your position on what she is doing very clearly and there isn't anything else for you to say. How good a friend is she? If she does persist and cheats on her fiance would you walk away from your friendship with her? Sometimes, people can't be talked out of having a train wreck. And you can only get so involved. If she messes up and loses her fiance over this, it will be her own d@mn fault. But she's got the hots for this jerk she's got to deal with sorting out her feelings before getting married anyway. Maybe the marriage is just not meant to be.

Maybe your friend likes flirting with a dangerous situation. Maybe her fiance is a nice guy who is no longer exciting to her now that she's got the engagement ring. Or maybe she's afraid of marriage or thinks she doesn't deserve her fiance so she is subconsciously sabotaging her engagement. Whatever the reason is, it's not fair to her fiance if she isn't 100% into the relationship. Actually, you should encourage her to be honorable and break off the engagement now rather than hide her feelings for the jerk.
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Old 01-17-2008, 08:05 PM
 
Location: Naptowne, Alaska
15,599 posts, read 36,968,540 times
Reputation: 14788
Don't tell her...tell her fiance'.
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Old 01-17-2008, 08:50 PM
 
Location: Maryland
1,667 posts, read 8,901,507 times
Reputation: 1646
Anonymously, of course. When this train-wreck happens, you had better have planty of plausible denialability. Don't soap operas prove that involving yourself in others' private business is trouble. I'd only involve myself if it were a close family member. And even then, I'd probably stay out of it, but that's just me. If you choose to get involved, for whatever reason, you'll make at least one enemy, maybe more. I wouldn't be surprised if your friend is fully aware of what's going on. Sorry, it just sounds too personal.
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Old 01-18-2008, 05:42 AM
 
Location: Southeast
64 posts, read 319,931 times
Reputation: 111
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2steps4word View Post
I desperately need help for a friend. I'm to offer words of wisdom and I'm stuck. Part of me is disgusted by her actions and the other part of me does not want to be in the middle of this B-S.

Recently, a friend of mine who is engaged to a wonderful man and is to be married this year, has told me she has been seeing a guy on our job and they have developed a very deep connection as they have recently been going out for drinks and dinner, unbeknownst to her fiance.

The guy acts like a prick! He's not liked by many on the job and I'm afraid he's only after her for a piece of a$$! She continues to tell me something seems to be missing with her fiance- but wouldn't you have known that before getting involved with the other guy? This has only come about once financial matters of the wedding had arised. In the meantime, the guy from the job doesn't let her up for air and keeps feeding her nonsense.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as I don't want her to think I'm only telling her not to do this just because I think the other guy is a prick, but because you can't spend 3 years of your life with someone and once money becomes an issue, turn to someone else for comfort and connect within 1 month- I think he want to connect with her for other reasons, nothing real (as she continues to dream up). Exactly how do I tell her because I'm getting pissed off!
Stay out of it period, keep your opinions to yourself.
It sounds like your "friend" and the "prick" deserve each other.
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Old 01-18-2008, 06:11 AM
 
Location: NJ
17,919 posts, read 26,175,501 times
Reputation: 18865
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2steps4word View Post
Recently, a friend of mine who is engaged to a wonderful man and is to be married this year, has told me she has been seeing a guy on our job and they have developed a very deep connection as they have recently been going out for drinks and dinner, unbeknownst to her fiance.

The guy acts like a prick!
IDK, about the only thing I might do is tell the guy at the job she's engaged to be married if he doesn't already know.

Quote:
Originally Posted by 2steps4word View Post
She continues to tell me something seems to be missing with her fiance- but wouldn't you have known that before getting involved with the other guy? This has only come about once financial matters of the wedding had arised. In the meantime, the guy from the job doesn't let her up for air and keeps feeding her nonsense.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as I don't want her to think I'm only telling her not to do this just because I think the other guy is a prick, but because you can't spend 3 years of your life with someone and once money becomes an issue, turn to someone else for comfort and connect within 1 month
Sounds like your friend is getting cold feet. What kind of money issues are they having? Does she want a big expensive wedding & he says no?

I don't see how you are stuck between a rock & hard place. I understand she's your friend, but this really isn't your problem. If it is because of what I posted above, maybe she needs to call it off? She's obviously not ready for marriage. If you feel you have to knock some sense into her, ask her why she feels she needs such & such for the wedding. Some of these brides go way over-board & end up spending what would be a deposit on a house.

I dislike cheaters, and to me it sounds like what she is doing or getting ready to do. If she's already cheated should should not get married for sure.
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Old 01-18-2008, 06:39 AM
 
Location: the show-me state
672 posts, read 2,034,987 times
Reputation: 753
Quote:
Originally Posted by Boydawg View Post
Stay out of it period, keep your opinions to yourself.
It sounds like your "friend" and the "prick" deserve each other.

I can't even begin to say how much I agree with the above post!
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Old 01-18-2008, 09:06 AM
 
8 posts, read 18,426 times
Reputation: 10
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2steps4word View Post
I desperately need help for a friend. I'm to offer words of wisdom and I'm stuck. Part of me is disgusted by her actions and the other part of me does not want to be in the middle of this B-S.

Recently, a friend of mine who is engaged to a wonderful man and is to be married this year, has told me she has been seeing a guy on our job and they have developed a very deep connection as they have recently been going out for drinks and dinner, unbeknownst to her fiance.

The guy acts like a prick! He's not liked by many on the job and I'm afraid he's only after her for a piece of a$$! She continues to tell me something seems to be missing with her fiance- but wouldn't you have known that before getting involved with the other guy? This has only come about once financial matters of the wedding had arised. In the meantime, the guy from the job doesn't let her up for air and keeps feeding her nonsense.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as I don't want her to think I'm only telling her not to do this just because I think the other guy is a prick, but because you can't spend 3 years of your life with someone and once money becomes an issue, turn to someone else for comfort and connect within 1 month- I think he want to connect with her for other reasons, nothing real (as she continues to dream up). Exactly how do I tell her because I'm getting pissed off!
I believe that if you two are serious friends, which I assume you are because she revealed her secret to you, you are being the best friend to her that you can be by telling her how you really feel about this. My dearest friends are the one who aren't afraid to hurt my feelings by telling me the truth. I would not tell her fiance because you said you didn't want to get in the middle of the BS and doing that would put you in the middle. I was in a situation similar to this a few months back. A good friend of mine was leaving her live in boyfriend of 5 years for a man that lied to her and took advantage of her rocky relationship. I hate to say that her live in boyfriend had not put enough into the relationship but that was no excuse to leave him for the other. She went against my advice and left. But two weeks later, she called me crying and said that she should have listened. I was in a bad spot because my husband and I were good friends with her and the boyfriend of 5 years. I decided not to tell him what I knew even though I was very angry with her for what she had done. I left that for her to do. They worked things out and are getting married this spring. The whole ordeal was a huge eye opener for the both of them. The guilt of the affair/cheating ate her up inside and she confessed to her boyfriend. Lucky for her, he forgave her as he knew he had wronged her as well. I'm not saying this will happen for your friend, but if I were you, I'd be her friend and tell her how I feel. Good luck. Hope things go well for everyone involved.
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Old 01-18-2008, 09:31 AM
 
27,090 posts, read 27,012,531 times
Reputation: 16810
Quote:
Originally Posted by 2steps4word View Post
I desperately need help for a friend. I'm to offer words of wisdom and I'm stuck. Part of me is disgusted by her actions and the other part of me does not want to be in the middle of this B-S.

Recently, a friend of mine who is engaged to a wonderful man and is to be married this year, has told me she has been seeing a guy on our job and they have developed a very deep connection as they have recently been going out for drinks and dinner, unbeknownst to her fiance.

The guy acts like a prick! He's not liked by many on the job and I'm afraid he's only after her for a piece of a$$! She continues to tell me something seems to be missing with her fiance- but wouldn't you have known that before getting involved with the other guy? This has only come about once financial matters of the wedding had arised. In the meantime, the guy from the job doesn't let her up for air and keeps feeding her nonsense.

I feel stuck between a rock and a hard place as I don't want her to think I'm only telling her not to do this just because I think the other guy is a prick, but because you can't spend 3 years of your life with someone and once money becomes an issue, turn to someone else for comfort and connect within 1 month- I think he want to connect with her for other reasons, nothing real (as she continues to dream up). Exactly how do I tell her because I'm getting pissed off!
whatever she thinks is missing in her fiance, and she Thinks she will discover with this looser, well, quit frankly, it's all about her. She lacks a sense of responsibility to those who love her, and you won't change her.

She is messing with the lives of others, to a dangerous extent, and I candidly would seperate myself from her. I wouldn't trust her as a friend....stay out of it,, and back away, find other friends who are morally decent. This one isn't...and she is going to hurt a lot of people, and may never learn....plus, again, I wouldn't trust her as a friend. The rest is not for you to say....you have your life...experience it...

Hugs,
Creme
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