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Me and my girlfriend have been dating for a little over 5 years now. (We are in our late twenties) We've lived together pretty much for this entire time, and been through lots of ups and downs. We always joke that we pretty much live like we are married, but we just aren't married officially.
My girlfriend is REALLY in love with me, and has been talking about really getting married for a couple years now and starting a family. I've been brushing it off with the excuse of our lives are too bumpy right now (due to relocations, career changes, etc), but really just a part of me doesn't feel right about it... I'm very conflicted.
The way I would describe our relationship is just "neutral". Maybe a small case of unrequited love? We are really great friends and get along extremely well. I think I would be hard pressed to find a better friend, but the problem here is that friendship is not everything. Physically I've never been SUPER attracted to her (I think she's very good looking, just not my type per say. REPEAT. I do find her attractive, but I've been known to be way too picky about looks and have unrealistic expectations... ), and she's gained a lot of weight over the last few years which I'm not fond of. Emotionally, she's struggled with anxiety and depression badly her whole life, and when we first started dating she was much better (In hindsight I think she was riding the high of being in a new relationship), but she started to spiral back downhill about 1.5 years into our relationship. She has been struggling with terrible anxiety, low self esteem, and depression for years now, and I really don't know how to help. Her depression really kills our relationship. I feel alone. Worse, most of the errands and chores get ignored by her so everything falls on me. I often feel like I would be better off single sometimes since she often just feels like a dependent.
I'm at a point now where I'm completely lost and I feel I either need to commit or even more shockingly, maybe just move on... I don't have many friends and family to counsel with, so I wanted some public opinion. A big part of me feels that if she could just get past her depression I would feel great about marrying her, as sometimes she has happier days and I feel so glad to be with her, like I'm on cloud nine. REPEAT, I really feel ecstatic to be with her on days she is not depressed! Unfortunately, most times she is depressed and just laying around the house and I just feel alone and FEAR that this will be the rest of my life. I think, how can she have a family and children when she is depressed and can barely take care of herself! I worry too about leaving her because she has had suicidal thoughts and I'm afraid leaving her will push her over the edge and she might do something terrible. Plus, I feel that perhaps this is when she needs me most, to help her through her depression instead of leaving her.
What do I do? Leave her, or marry her and attempt to work through her depression with her and just hope it gets better. Like I said, what I have is not bad by any means, but I always thought I would feel happier about getting married, and I'm fearful that I may have a "grass is greener on the other side" mentality, breaking it off with her only to find out she actually was the best match for me. Like I said, I've been known to have unrealistically high expectations about things in life, relationships included. Unfortunately, she is the only woman I ever seriously dated as well, so I don't really have other relationships to base this off, but I don't really feel like dating again and getting to know someone so closely as I have with my current girlfriend. What I do have may be really good, but I can't say for sure and that bothers me a bit. Rambling aside, the one thing I do know is her depression is a major issue with our relationship now and I'm just fearful she might not ever recover and I'm putting myself into a hopeless situation.
Thanks for reading through this, I'm looking forward to your advice and comments.
Last edited by teatree10; 05-02-2015 at 03:00 PM..
I'm at a point now where I'm completely lost and I feel I either need to commit or even more shockingly, maybe just move on...
I've been married for almost 24 years, and I want to tell you that this ^^^ is the truest statement in your whole post.
You should not marry her.
Trust me. If you are totally happy to live your life EXACTLY as it is right now, then just stay in the pattern you are in.
But I think you know deep down that is not what's best for you. This isn't about her weight or her depression or any of that stuff. SHE is responsible for her own mental and emotional health. It sounds like you are not in love with her. I promise you are not doing her any favors staying with her out of pity. The lack of physical attraction is a HUGE deal that is nearly impossible to overcome. And life is very long when you're starting your marriage with that handicap.
Find the courage to be honest with her and tell her you need to move on.
OP, it seems like her anxiety & depression are somewhat debilitating. Why hasn't she sought professional help for this, in all these years? If you feel that on her better days, you're on cloud nine, why not level with her, compassionately? Say you're concerned about her depression, and before you can sign up for a lifetime of that, you're really like to see her get help. With a good therapist, depression can be resolved without meds, or with only temporary meds. If this is the only obstacle to happiness for both of you, try it. If there's more to it than this (you say you're not physically attracted to her? Yet you say that when she's in a good mood, you're on cloud nine?), then maybe it won't ever be right for you. In any case, for her own long-term happiness, she should get professional help for her anxiety and depression.
You shouldn't be with her, honestly, even from a dating standpoint, let alone living with her, and absolutely not marrying/starting a family with her.
You know what her expectations are, you know they're not what you want, and you know that you're not happy with her, but are staying with her for reasons other than feeling in love with her (from what you wrote, friendship/companionship, possibly comfort in the status quo even though it's obviously not your ideal, and, on some level, wanting to have her easily at hand, "just in case you don't find somebody better").
If you've never been super attracted to her, you really have no business being with her. Believe me that nobody wants to be with somebody who is not attracted to them. You aren't saving her any pain by staying with her when you don't want to be there...all you're doing is wasting her time and giving her false hope the longer you stay and imply that you're in it, when your heart is actually not.
She's not going to just "get through" her depression, she will need to actually seek treatment for it (from someone actually trained to work with people with suicidal thoughts and/or ideation). Not ignore it, not go through the motions of therapy without doing any of the work, but actually, actively seeking treatment with the intent to address issues. You just "being there" isn't going to cut it, and you sticking around when you're not really invested in the relationship anymore is going to do more harm than good in the long run.
It really doesn't matter if you do or don't feel like getting in the dating game again, the bottom line is that it's unfair to all involved to stay with somebody you don't really see a future with because you halfheartedly think it's better than the alternative. Five years is a long time to burn through and be lukewarm about where things are. Trust me that spending anymore time going through the motions when your heart isn't in it isn't doing anybody any favors.
Unfortunately, clinical depression isn't something you can just "get past" or "work through." Therapy and/or medication may help, but she won't be completely "cured."
From your description of the relationship, it sounds as though it would be incredibly unfair to you both if you were to get married.
You shouldn't be with her, honestly, even from a dating standpoint, let alone living with her, and absolutely not marrying/starting a family with her.
You know what her expectations are, you know they're not what you want, and you know that you're not happy with her, but are staying with her for reasons other than feeling in love with her (from what you wrote, friendship/companionship, possibly comfort in the status quo even though it's obviously not your ideal, and, on some level, wanting to have her easily at hand, "just in case you don't find somebody better").
If you've never been super attracted to her, you really have no business being with her. Believe me that nobody wants to be with somebody who is not attracted to them. You aren't saving her any pain by staying with her when you don't want to be there...all you're doing is wasting her time and giving her false hope the longer you stay that you're in it, when your heart is actually not.
She's not going to just "get through" her depression, she will need to actually seek treatment for it (from someone actually trained to work with people with suicidal thoughts and/or ideation).
It really doesn't matter if you do or don't feel like getting in the dating game again, the bottom line is that it's unfair to all involved to stay with somebody you don't really see a future with because you halfheartedly think it's better than the alternative. Five years is a long time to burn through and be lukewarm about where things are. Trust me that spending anymore time going through the motions when your heart isn't in it isn't doing anybody any favors.
Very well put.
I want to add that, in all honesty, it's possible that her depression could actually be made worse because she knows that you are not really attracted to her. It's not that hard to pick up on that kind of thing, and people know when you are not giving your full heart to them.
It affects you after a long time, and you don't want to sign up for a lifetime of that.
I will GUARANTEE that being with somebody who is not attracted to her will only serve to make depression worse. And I guarantee that she already knows.
In all honesty, even though your thread title notes that it's "mostly her depression" that is the problem in the relationship, I would argue that your not being attracted to her, as you note has been the case from the get-go, is just as much a problem, if not more.
You need to do both of you a favor and get out of this relationship immediately.
You are not attracted to her and she can feel that.
You are tired of everything being put on you and she can feel that.
You are probably starting to resent her for her illness and she can feel that.
Her depression and anxiety will never be "cured" but with the right medication and therapy it can be controlled however,
it is also possible that she does really well when she thinks you are attracted to her and are going to marry her.
Then when she realizes it isn't going to happen she falls into a downward spiral again.
One of the biggest issues with those who have depression and anxiety is they tend to quit taking their medication daily when they "feel" better. Our son did that for a few years and he finally figured out on his own that he needs to take his medication daily even when he "feels" better.
The commitment of marriage would be a speed-train to nowhere. You say you are friends but I see co-dependency, and no one in his/her late-20's should get married "just becuz..."
Let's be honest, if you've been with her for five years it's because you're getting something out of it, even if that something is not physical attraction. Be honest with yourself about what you are getting out of being with her that's kept you there for five years. Because nobody stays with anybody long-term if they're getting nothing out of it.
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