Why I'm Giving Up Dating (guy, older, 2013, romantic)
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
Reputation: 40635
Advertisements
I never found it easy to meet people IRL. I've dated plenty of people from IRL in my 20s, but after that? Only a couple over the last 13 years. OLD made dating a breeze for me. It's not that I fear rejection, it is just that even though I'm out and about a lot doing stuff, making a connection with someone, who is in my general age bracket, and is single, and lives in my area, isn't a every month, or even every six month (years sometime) occurrence.
I talk to loads of people and make some connections, they're just not my age/single/living in my area. Or the chemistry isn't there.
I never found it easy to meet people IRL. I've dated plenty of people from IRL in my 20s, but after that? Only a couple over the last 13 years. OLD made dating a breeze for me. It's not that I fear rejection, it is just that even though I'm out and about a lot doing stuff, making a connection with someone, who is in my general age bracket, and is single, and lives in my area, isn't a every month, or even every six month (years sometime) occurrence.
I talk to loads of people and make some connections, they're just not my age/single/living in my area. Or the chemistry isn't there.
The concept behind OLD is certainly to make it easier for people to connect who otherwise wouldn't be connected. That part works. The problem I've experienced, at least in my area, is that it seems to attract a ton of flakes or less-than-desirables. Maybe this is what OP is experiencing as well?
IRL interactions are definitely fewer and far in between. However, once the connection is established, it seems to be a more genuine and fruitful experience.
I cannot articulate what I'm attracted to on a deeper level because I've never gotten that far.
This is what intrigues me the most. I'm curious to understand what the underlying reason for this is. Is it you? Is it them? No offense, but after 30 some years (probably 12 of which you were dating-eligible) and not feeling this way towards anyone, ever, I'd have to say that the barrier lies somewhere within you. As far as I know, this could stem as far back as something that happened in your early childhood, but I am vastly under-qualified to even analyze and assess those types of issues. That's why I'm thinking maybe you need to see a therapist, if you want, to get at the bottom of this.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
IRL interactions are definitely fewer and far in between. However, once the connection is established, it seems to be a more genuine and fruitful experience.
Well, I don't know. I think on OLD once the connection is established, its just as fruitful as any other experience. I've made plenty of great connections on OLD, and many of the most important people in my life I met from OLD. When you hit it off with someone and there is chemistry, sparks, passion, etc it doesn't matter how you met at all.
It is just that IRL if that connection isn't there it was just another person you ran into that day. If you meet someone via OLD and there is no connection in your screening meeting (1st meeting that some people call a date) and there is no connection, it is labeled as a OLD failure.
We judge the two meetings very differently just because a couple of emails were exchanged, when really the only difference is one is planned, and the other is random. In both cases neither party should have any expectations, and no one knows if there is going to be any chemistry.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
This is what intrigues me the most. I'm curious to understand what the underlying reason for this is. Is it you? Is it them? No offense, but after 30 some years (probably 12 of which you were dating-eligible) and not feeling this way towards anyone, ever, I'd have to say that the barrier lies somewhere within you. As far as I know, this could stem as far back as something that happened in your early childhood, but I am vastly under-qualified to even analyze and assess those types of issues. That's why I'm thinking maybe you need to see a therapist, if you want, to get at the bottom of this.
It is intriguing.
One question I have is do you (SLS) form deep emotional connections with non romantic relationships?
Is it just in the romantic sphere that these emotional connections haven't happened?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,938 posts, read 36,930,903 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sweet Like Sugar
No, I don't form close connections with people in general. Just my cat and my parents.
Well, if you're ok with this, then power to you.
But I, personally think, forming emotional bonds with other people to be one of the main things that makes life enjoyable (other than stuff like travel, etc). So, I'd suggest counseling. It might just be who you are, but it is, unusual, and I think you're missing out on the best thing in the world and that is kinda sad (Just my opinion)
Well, I don't know. I think on OLD once the connection is established, its just as fruitful as any other experience. I've made plenty of great connections on OLD, and many of the most important people in my life I met from OLD. When you hit it off with someone and there is chemistry, sparks, passion, etc it doesn't matter how you met at all.
It is just that IRL if that connection isn't there it was just another person you ran into that day. If you meet someone via OLD and there is no connection in your screening meeting (1st meeting that some people call a date) and there is no connection, it is labeled as a OLD failure.
We judge the two meetings very differently just because a couple of emails were exchanged, when really the only difference is one is planned, and the other is random. In both cases neither party should have any expectations, and no one knows if there is going to be any chemistry.
I guess it's our two different experiences that reflect our opinions on this subject. I've mostly only experienced flakes and less-than-desirables (obese, not very attractive, awkward, couldn't compensate on any other spectrum) on OLD sites (OKC primarily; tried Tinder for a very short period). But essentially, I think the flakiness of the people was the largest contributing factor to why I decided to opt out. I can't count how many times I'd have an exchange with people that seemed to be going somewhere and then they'd drop off or find excuses not to hang out. And I know it wasn't due to anything I did.
IRL, people generally like me. I have a likable, chill personality and, believe it or not, I have some charisma. I have a pretty good group of friends who think I'm a pretty good guy. With so many flakes on OLD sites, it's difficult to make a first impression in person. Honestly, it made me feel like a creep that these women were trying to avoid. That's why I personally quit. Again, maybe this is what frustrated OP.
Good luck SLS! Sometimes it is better to just step back and let things happen ...if they are meant to happen.
I went on a dating strike for 5 years, while I was living out in Kansas. I was not impressed with the selection there.
So when I tired of it all, living alone, working 3rd shift, etc....I decided to move and see what I could do and live different.
I still wasn't looking for anyone. I just got back into dating and enjoyed the men I met and dated. Enjoyed my new job...even if it was still 3rd shift. There were actually people there.
I actually did meet my new husband here where I moved. It was even OLD. Neither of us were looking for Mr/Miss Right at the time either.
No, I don't form close connections with people in general. Just my cat and my parents.
This definitely sheds some light on the matter. This leads me to believe that your dating issues are less about them than it is about something deep within you. Is this something you want to change about yourself? Because that's where it would have to begin.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
