Husband 19 years older, Need Advise (date, wife, boyfriend, marriage)
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My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 3. I'm 38, he is 57. I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous. We have two daughters together, 7 and 4 years old. We both have full time jobs and own a successful retail store. Yes, we are very busy people.
The problem I have is that my husband pays very little attention to me, me as a person, me as his wife. Sure, we talk about our business, we talk about the kids, we do NOTHING together as a couple. Making love will happen two or three times a year! I feel like a have a business partner and a roommate.
I'm good looking, tall, thin, great sense of humor, always positive and love to have fun. I bust my butt everyday to make sure the house is clean, always a meal on the table, bills are paid, an issue arise, I take care of it,etc... In our personal life I ask nothing from him I do it all.
Example, the ceiling in our utility room is leaking water and sagging from all the ice and snow we have. He goes to work. I take the kids to a sitter, go to our store and do paper work, call around for someone to fix the roof, then go to work for 7 hours, make supper, plan a birthday party for our seven year old for the next day, clean the house, make supper, and take down x-mas tree and decorations. Did I mention, he went to work, comes home, eats supper, talks to the kids, and is in bed by 7 p.m! Any "Gee thanks" Nope, he must have forgot.
Anything he asks for, I take care of, always with a smile on my face, always the second he asks. And I don't mind, in fact I like taking care of it all. I keep doing more and more just to say "hey, do you like me now"? "Now will you pay attention to me." My whole life revolves around him, what time he goes to work, what time he comes home, what time he goes to bed (works at 4am)
What 57 year old man, married to a 38 year old women, would not want this? In fact alot of his friends and co workers joke around and make comments like "She's YOUR wife" Wow, you are one lucky man" How did an old guy like you get ahold of her" Which makes him very happy!!!!!!
But somedays I get so sad. He doesn't go out of his way for me. When he comes home, no smile for me. Oh sure, I get Hi, how was you day? not that he isn't happy, he always tells me how much he loves his life. How happy he is.... I try having a conversation with him, one of the kids will enterupt and I'm cut off mid sentence while they get his full attention.
He isn't mean to me or grouchy. In the past I have told him how I feel. But he gets defensive, "I work all the time, I tired, I can't help it." and tells me (with slight sarcasim) that he will try to pay more attention to me and try to help out more. It lasts about 2 weeks.
His idea of a night alone together is reading the newspaper and falling asleep early. I don't read newspapers.
He does work very hard. A full time 12 hour a day job. Plus 10-15 a week at our store. (he does the buying and I manage the employees and the books)
so I understand that he is tired.
Hes not a stupid man, he is very smart, intellectual. I'm not the intellectual type that uses big words no one can understand. Although I have managed a motel for 11 years, three other businesses and now our store. His mother raised the three kids with I.Q tests. (whole nother story)
HELP! What can I do for him to put ME first once and awhile? Make me feel important. I'm not asking for all the time. Just enough to feel appreciated.
You have to first decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life until one of you kicks the bucket.
With regard to the kids interrupting while you two are trying to talk, you need to tell the children "We are talking right now. When we are finished talking we will come get you and you can tell us what you have to say then." You have to set boundaries with the kids and stick to them.
You need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Basically, tell him what you've told us. It also sounds like the two of you need to get involved in something other than work that you can do together that you would both enjoy. Perhaps a group ballroom dance or salsa class? Maybe something else if that's not your thing. You also need to set aside one night a week to have a date night. Get a sitter for the kids and go out together and do something romantic. You must have done that before you got married? There had to have been some kind of spark in there somewhere in order for the two of you to end up married to each other. You need to find it and bring it back.
I am married to a man 17 years my senior, so I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, except mine dances and he will stay out late with me. Oh, and no problems with the sex either. If anything, mine wants it more than I do. LOL.
I would suggest counseling, but if your hubby is anything like mine, that would be out of the question for them. You might need to go talk to someone once or twice just to get some suggestions so you don't feel like you're losing your mind. I spoke with a counselor a couple of times by myself when I thought I just couldn't take it anymore and it really helped me.
I hope things work out for you and I wish you the very best of luck. You sound like such a nice person and you deserve to have a husband who appreciates you.
Making love will happen two or three times a year! I feel like a have a business partner and a roommate.
From that quote alone, I see huge red flags.... from your writing, I can see you do love him dearly. You both need to get in to see a marriage councilor... there is something really wrong if he can't communicate and be intimate with you physically and emotionally.
You have to first decide if this is how you want to live for the rest of your life until one of you kicks the bucket.
With regard to the kids interrupting while you two are trying to talk, you need to tell the children "We are talking right now. When we are finished talking we will come get you and you can tell us what you have to say then." You have to set boundaries with the kids and stick to them.
You need to talk to your husband and tell him how you feel. Basically, tell him what you've told us. It also sounds like the two of you need to get involved in something other than work that you can do together that you would both enjoy. Perhaps a group ballroom dance or salsa class? Maybe something else if that's not your thing. You also need to set aside one night a week to have a date night. Get a sitter for the kids and go out together and do something romantic. You must have done that before you got married? There had to have been some kind of spark in there somewhere in order for the two of you to end up married to each other. You need to find it and bring it back.
I am married to a man 17 years my senior, so I can relate to a lot of what you are saying, except mine dances and he will stay out late with me.
I would suggest counseling, but if your hubby is anything like mine, that would be out of the question for them. You might need to go talk to someone once or twice just to get some suggestions so you don't feel like you're losing your mind. I spoke with a counselor a couple of times by myself when I thought I just couldn't take it anymore and it really helped me.
I hope things work out for you and I wish you the very best of luck. You soud like such a nice person and you deserve to have a husband who appreciates you.
Poor you, I've seen so many women go through this. I grew up watching my Mom come home from work and then cook dinner while my Dad sat in his chair and waited for his supper. As a child I saw how unfair that was and swore up and down I wouldn't put up with it. I ended up doing better than Mom because Hubby does his fair share (with a little proding at times).
Perhaps you should pay more attention to you if he won't. It won't kill him to make dinner one or two days a week while you take a long hot soak in the tub with a novel. If he gets defensive then take yourself and the kids to a fast food joint feed yourselves, go home and take your bath while ignoring any complaining. Don't get into a fight, but firmly let him know that you will be taking better care of you and he'd best get used to it. If he's anything like my Dad he'll kick up the ruckus a notch trying to get you to cave in; just ignore it, smile, and head for that bath (whatever you do don't cave).
PS. If he is on any meds like for high blood pressure etc. it could be affecting his performance.
My husband and I have been together for 14 years, married for 3. I'm 38, he is 57. I have a 15 year old daughter from a previous. We have two daughters together, 7 and 4 years old. We both have full time jobs and own a successful retail store. Yes, we are very busy people.
Please clarify. You both work fulltime at the retail store that you co-own. No other jobs right?
I can relate to your work situation since my parents owned five small furniture stores when I was growing up. It's a job that is very time consuming and even when they were home, they were still talking shop. And my mom would do the artwork for their newspaper ads at the house. They closed the stores down about 15 years ago and retired to CA. My dad went back to school and is now a financial analyst and a much happier man.
So... your husband is 57. Are there any plans for selling the business and him retiring at 65? Or is this a business that you hoped to leave to your children? My advice would be to see if your husband has a plan for his retirement, and that in turn would mean more quality time for you and the kids. Maybe he could then manage the household while you spend more time in the working world.
As to him not appreciating what you do around the house to avert the crises, I would say that you multitask too well and whatever you do solving the problems seems effortless on your part. I feel the same way with my boyfriend at times, but I know that it's my fault for not being able to act like a helpless and hysterical woman. I am just too logical, competent and calm.
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.. He may have a problem and is to embearessed about it to say anything....
). 
