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Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Lafleur
There's a tendency for people who can get whatever they want to be self-centered, unempathetic, aloof to real world problems, etc. Essentially, life is handed to them on a silver platter and they're oblivious to the struggles of Joe Sixpack. And since Joe Sixpack is far more prominent than Silver Spoon Sally, there tends to be a pretty big disconnect and a lot of disagreement when the two worlds collide. Not to get political, but think Mitt Romney or the Koch Brothers for example. Most intelligent Middle Class Americans can't stand these types of people who want to govern our lives.
So maybe that's what the OP is getting at.
Bingo.
The notion that hey, I'll just make a list of the traits I want. Then pick from those that fit that list that I feel chemistry with, sounds, well, artificial and dreamy. It's also incredibly simple, to the point of being artificial... like this robot.
It's almost a relationship bootstrapper mentality.
The notion that hey, I'll just make a list of the traits I want. Then pick from those that fit that list that I feel chemistry with, sounds, well, artificial and dreamy. It's also incredibly simple, to the point of being artificial... like this robot.
It's almost a relationship bootstrapper mentality.
Yes, this.
But it's not just that people do it to others, they also do it to themselves.
No I would not. I would miss the human touch with imperfections and all, and I think it would get monotonous and boring after a while. I'm also not a checklist person, I've always just gone with the flow.
Since this is the same subject matter though, I really enjoyed this film:
How could I not be threatened by someone so unbelievably awesome? I'm pretty sure most of the other people on this board would feel the same way-- you're that great.
Part of my point is that the idea of having a list in the first place means you're choosing someone based on a very narrow view of yourself and other people, much like how a robot would choose his or her SO.
No...I just deal in reality where I know (as anyone does) that a long lasting relationship must be built on more than fluffy-puffy feelings.
Common interests, common goals, common background, and common vision for the future are far more likely to carry you in the long run. And being best friends who respect each other.
Have I had the hots for a total hottie-mctottie that jazzed my nether regions? Yes...the one in particular I am remembering was also dumb as a rock. That is great for a fling, but not for a future. At some point, you have to talk to each other. Live life together. Count on each other.
I never said I was so great. I am just not going to sell myself short on the one relationship that studies show is the biggest determinant of your happiness.
You call it a list.
I call it the bare minimum to hit my radar.
The notion that hey, I'll just make a list of the traits I want. Then pick from those that fit that list that I feel chemistry with, sounds, well, artificial and dreamy. It's also incredibly simple, to the point of being artificial... like this robot.
It's almost a relationship bootstrapper mentality.
Yet it totally works for tons of people I know.
No one is perfect. But everyone has criteria. Everyone.
Gender? Age? Nice? Takes showers?
I mean, where do you people draw the very arbitrary line? Wanting someone educated and ambitious is no more or less silly/dreamy than demanding they be a man or woman. You just made it up in your head that it is.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4
No...I just deal in reality where I know (as anyone does) that a long lasting relationship must be built on more than fluffy-puffy feelings.
Common interests, common goals, common background, and common vision for the future are far more likely to carry you in the long run. And being best friends who respect each other.
I don't think most people disagree with this.
The issue is, those feelings should ALSO be there, and one can't control that.
I was engaged to a woman who I dated, then lived with. We were best friends. We lived well together, communicated well, worked as team, backpacked across Costa Rica as a great team. Common background (grew up in adjacent towns), common interests (both biologists initially in our career), same educational level and professional stages, shared a vision for how we wanted to live our lives.
You know what? I loved her, but wasn't in love with her. So it didn't work. It would have become a living hell for both of us if we did get married. I wish I was in love with her, but it just wasn't there.
Emotions aren't ENOUGH, but they are also critical.
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4
Yet it totally works for tons of people I know.
No one is perfect. But everyone has criteria. Everyone.
Gender? Age? Nice? Takes showers?
I mean, where do you people draw the very arbitrary line? Wanting someone educated and ambitious is no more or less silly/dreamy than demanding they be a man or woman. You just made it up in your head that it is.
Uh, no even close to correct, because their being a man or a woman has to do with the core of one's sexuality (homosexual or heterosexual (etc)) and that is a completely different thing than a chosen criteria.
The issue is, those feelings should ALSO be there, and one can't control that.
I was engaged to a woman who I dated, then lived with. We were best friends. We lived well together, communicated well, worked as team, backpacked across Costa Rica as a great team. Common background (grew up in adjacent towns), common interests (both biologists initially in our career), same educational level and professional stages, shared a vision for how we wanted to live our lives.
You know what? I loved her, but wasn't in love with her. So it didn't work. It would have become a living hell for both of us if we did get married. I wish I was in love with her, but it just wasn't there.
Emotions aren't ENOUGH, but they are also critical.
I never said they weren't.
Otherwise I would still be with the first person who hit all my criteria.
Love/chemistry is essential. But there isn't just one person in the whole world you can have it with.
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,936 posts, read 36,962,945 times
Reputation: 40635
Quote:
Originally Posted by stan4
I never said they weren't.
Otherwise I would still be with the first person who hit all my criteria.
Love/chemistry is essential. But there isn't just one person in the whole world you can have it with.
No, there isn't. But it isn't common either.
And the person or people you have it with very very well might not fit your chosen criteria at all.
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