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I have a kind, responsible, stable, and pleasant person for a spouse, but my marriage makes me sad.
I hate to admit it, but I believe my dh is on the aspergers spectrum. It's even hard for me to type this up because I feel so torn about the issue.
When we met, he certainly showed signs of being a bit on the "quirky" side, but I just dismissed his behavior as shyness. However, since we've gotten married and had a kid, his "condition" has become more and more apparent (I have examples for days/weeks/months, but I won't bore you to tears). I'll share a few: he has NO friends and has no desire to intimately connect with other people- including close family/i'm a people person; he does not read social or verbal cues, so he often embarasses himself and/or me when he says something during an inopportune time or when he does not say anything at all- when he's expected to. People (including my family members) think he's rude at times, because he tends to live in his own world/head; while he is a genuinely kind- hearted person, he has a really hard time with empathy and picking up on other people's feelings, including mine and our child's (when our child was under 12 weeks old, he kept asking why she "cried and whined" so much- the baby barely cried/and when I asked him why he was not making attempts to bond with the baby, he said with a straight face, "because I don't know her.") No joke. He also often forgets /fails to acknowlege special occasions/milestones or say thank you when people give him gifts. Not because he's a jerk, but because he simply does not have the best social skills. This makes me enormously sad because he IS a nice guy, but his aloof personality has pushed me away emotionally and physically. He's now in the friend zone in my head. Speaking of emotions, i'm very intuitive with emotions, so as you can imagine, being married to an almost emotionless, stoic, not very passionate loner is pretty exhausting and unfulfilling.
From day 1, friends and family even hinted at the fact that we are an odd match/unlikely pair: i'm a very fast- thinking, fun-loving, Witty, adventurous type A who enjoys learning new things, reading new things and meeting new people. He's a risk averse, socially awkward, non- intellectual loner who's comfortable in solitude and monotony. I'm frustrated and bored to tears. When we were dating, I was attracted to his "laid back" approach to life, but that was before I realized that it was a symptom of a larger, more serious problem! I often fantasize about what it would be like to have a partner who gets me and others without having us work so hard/spell things out. It's gotten to the point where I no longer share important details of my life with him because he has a hard time "getting" most of them and I end up re- repeating myself, which takes away from the moment. Sigh. I'm just exhausted by the whole thing and I don't know what else to do. We tried counseling but the therapist focused more on superficial conversational skills rather than addressing the more serious elephant in the room, so I got tired and left. He continued, but whatever they did was clearly ineffective.
The point is that I don't want this to be a dealbreaker because I am still (half-heartedly) committed to my marriage and our family unit (divorce seems scary to me because we have a child). Plus, I don't think he even realizes how bad/frustrating it is, because he's not self aware at all. So unfortunately, I often feel like an older friend or mother figure to him rather than a wife- which makes me very resentful and guilty at the same time:-( How does one work through such a challenging issue? Is it even possible? If so, what else can be done? Is Aspergers treatable or curable?
Last edited by Undertheradarnow; 05-15-2015 at 10:44 AM..
Asperger's Syndrome, if it does affect your spouse, is not curable. It's an autism spectrum disorder, and neither definitive causes nor cures have been identified.
Behavioral issues resulting from autism can be addressed, but this it typically much more effective a lot earlier in life, before behavioral patterns are quite so heavily set. Working with children and teens with autism, including Asperger's (which only differs from other autism in that it does not present with a language acquisition delay), an important part of treating symptoms is in teaching social skills, often by rote. As people age, they become increasingly resistant to altering their behavior in a way that does not seem remotely important to them. It is much easier to teach a small child to practice socially appropriate interation, even if it has to be learned by rote and does not come naturally, than it is to teach even a teenager, who cannot see the purpose in speaking to others in a way that is not offensive, rude, or hurtful. By adulthood, eh. Not the best outlook for changing behavioral patterns, particularly if the other person legitimately does not see any incentive to change them.
It is unfortunate that you didn't come to the conclusion that these behavioral traits were as problematic for you as a couple earlier on, prior to committing to marriage and raising a family with this person.
I know it gives you some sense of comfort to bucket all your marriage problems into a single condition he may have but deep down you must know you married the wrong guy and now it's hard to separate because of your child. Divorce probably seems like a bad option right now because of the potential damage it may do to your child but at some point in the future, you will reach a breaking point and divorce will no longer seem like such a bad option. I suggest you seek couples' therapy not because it will fix everything but you owe it to your child to give it a try.
Thanks guys. And you're right- It's unfortunate that I did not realize how much these social and emotional issues would affect our marriage BEFORE I said "I do." As they say, "you live and you learn." And boy is this a tough lesson!
My ex-husband has Asperger's and social anxiety, among other behavioral health issues. Before I lived with him, I thought I would be ok. Nope. I couldn't do it, it was too much. I decided life was too short to spend it trying to live with and understand someone who was so different, difficult, and strange. So I walked away. But then, we don't have a kid, so I didn't have that dilemma.
I have a kind, responsible, stable, and pleasant person for a spouse, but my marriage makes me sad.
I hate to admit it, but I believe my dh is on the aspergers spectrum. It's even hard for me to type this up because I feel so torn about the issue.
When we met, he certainly showed signs of being a bit on the "quirky" side, but I just dismissed his behavior as shyness. However, since we've gotten married and had a kid, his "condition" has become more and more apparent (I have examples for days/weeks/months, but I won't bore you to tears). I'll share a few: he has NO friends and has no desire to intimately connect with other people- including close family/i'm a people person; he does not read social or verbal cues, so he often embarasses himself and/or me when he says something during an inopportune time or when he does not say anything at all- when he's expected to. People (including my family members) think he's rude at times, because he tends to live in his own world/head; while he is a genuinely kind- hearted person, he has a really hard time with empathy and picking up on other people's feelings, including mine and our child's (when our child was under 12 weeks old, he kept asking why she "cried and whined" so much- the baby barely cried/and when I asked him why he was not making attempts to bond with the baby, he said with a straight face, "because I don't know her.") No joke. He also often forgets /fails to acknowlege special occasions/milestones or say thank you when people give him gifts. Not because he's a jerk, but because he simply does not have the best social skills. This makes me enormously sad because he IS a nice guy, but his aloof personality has pushed me away emotionally and physically. He's now in the friend zone in my head. Speaking of emotions, i'm very intuitive with emotions, so as you can imagine, being married to an almost emotionless, stoic, not very passionate loner is pretty exhausting and unfulfilling.
From day 1, friends and family even hinted at the fact that we are an odd match/unlikely pair: i'm a very fast- thinking, fun-loving, Witty, adventurous type A who enjoys learning new things, reading new things and meeting new people. He's a risk averse, socially awkward, non- intellectual loner who's comfortable in solitude and monotony. I'm frustrated and bored to tears. When we were dating, I was attracted to his "laid back" approach to life, but that was before I realized that it was a symptom of a larger, more serious problem! I often fantasize about what it would be like to have a partner who gets me and others without having us work so hard/spell things out. It's gotten to the point where I no longer share important details of my life with him because he has a hard time "getting" most of them and I end up re- repeating myself, which takes away from the moment. Sigh. I'm just exhausted by the whole thing and I don't know what else to do. We tried counseling but the therapist focused more on superficial conversational skills rather than addressing the more serious elephant in the room, so I got tired and left. He continued, but whatever they did was clearly ineffective.
The point is that I don't want this to be a dealbreaker because I am still (half-heartedly) committed to my marriage and our family unit (divorce seems scary to me because we have a child). Plus, I don't think he even realizes how bad/frustrating it is, because he's not self aware at all. So unfortunately, I often feel like an older friend or mother figure to him rather than a wife- which makes me very resentful and guilty at the same time:-( How does one work through such a challenging issue? Is it even possible? If so, what else can be done? Is Aspergers treatable or curable?
Have you reached out to support groups?? There's many venue's that will assist you...As an old gal..I recall marriage vows including "Better or Worse" phrase included..and it sounds like you must face that Worse portion...I'll try and find some links for you.. {{Hugs}} Best Wishes coming your way
ETA this link which has a wealth of informations...pick and chose the questions you have..as I'm not sure how much research you've done at this point...Again Good Luck <hearts> http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/a...l_asperger.htm
Oh, and your husband's reason why he doesn't bond with your child reminded me of how my ex reacted to hearing babies crying: "Why do they cry? I don't get it. There's no logic to their crying." Or when he saw toddlers running around, he would say, "Why do they do that? It's so illogical." Seriously. I was like, "OMG, I married this person?" I started taking extra precautions so that I wouldn't get pregnant.
The point is that I don't want this to be a dealbreaker because I am still (half-heartedly) committed to my marriage and our family unit (divorce seems scary to me because we have a child).
You cannot be half-heartedly committed to marriage.
It's OK to say that you don't want to do this for the rest of your life. If you married the wrong person, correct the mistake now so that you both have a chance to feel love and respect instead of resentment and frustration.
That is also not a healthy environment for a child to grow up in. You are already like a parent to two people. I would focus on being a parent to one and an advocate for yourself.
Wow. You can't make this stuff up.
My child and I were excitedly running to the living room from the kitchen when we both slipped and fell- and Unfortunately, I fell on top of my little one (under 5 yrs old). She then starts balling out of control as we lay on the floor trying to gain composure (mind you, I just had surgery on Monday).
Hubby comes out of the kitchen with a full garbage bag, walks over us STILL on the FLOOR...and walks out to take out the trash.
So I say to him, "um HELLO....did you not just see us fall- with me on top of the 'baby'?
He says, "oh, yeah." I said, "NO 'are you OK or do you need some help?!" He goes, "well you look fine." Mind you, the baby is still balling in my arms, on the floor. Who does that?
Perhaps I need to open my eyes and stop using the label to justify him being a jerk at times.
Hate to say it, but if we did not have a kid, I would have left a few years back.
Last edited by Undertheradarnow; 05-15-2015 at 03:38 PM..
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