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That was something for them to work out during the divorce.
"who wants primary care"
It isn't just a title.
It's not about what is fair and unfair at this point.
The choices have already been made.
We don't know the details of the divorce. It may have been messy. This guy is clearly a disagreeable, inflexible jackass and maybe she wanted to close things quickly to move on?? We don't know. What we do know, is things like this are never set in stone and if she needs to go back to court to have care rearranged or reworked she can. If she doesn't WANT her child in his direct care more often, she could also ask for more money to cover things like childcare (babysitters, nannies). Even if the mom doesn't want a social life, it is impossible for her to be present 100% of the time. She will still have obligations that take her away from her kid from time to time and if the father can't be physically present during those times, he should be monetarily. He also chose to become a parent and must take just as much responsibility for that decision.
We don't know the details of the divorce. It may have been messy. This guy is clearly a disagreeable, inflexible jackass and maybe she wanted to close things quickly to move on?? We don't know. What we do know, is things like this are never set in stone and if she needs to go back to court to have care rearranged or reworked she can. If she doesn't WANT her child in his direct care more often, she could also ask for more money to cover things like childcare (babysitters, nannies). Even if the mom doesn't want a social life, it is impossible for her to be present 100% of the time. She will still have obligations that take her away from her kid from time to time and if the father can't be physically present during those times, he should be monetarily. He also chose to become a parent and must take just as much responsibility for that decision.
We know she wanted primary care. This is something that has to be decided it isn't just awarded with no reasoning.
We know this was always his schedule.
Fill in the blanks.
It doesn't matter if he is an insufferable *******.
He isn't doing anything wrong.
If she feels he isn't fufilling his role as a parent she can talk to the judge about adding parameters to their arrangement to rectify it, but as it is the only problem is his work doesn't work for her perosnal life.
Last edited by rego00123; 05-18-2015 at 01:11 PM..
We know she wanted primary care. This is something that has to be decided it isn't just awarded with no reasoning.
We know this was always his schedule.
Fill in the blanks.
It doesn't matter if he is an insufferable *******.
He isn't doing anything wrong.
If she feels he isn't fufilling his role as a parent she can talk to the judge about adding parameters to their arrangement to rectify it, but as it is the only problem is his work doesn't work for her perosnal life.
This is pretty much the right answer. She had a child with a guy that didn't pan out the way she anticipated. It's very hard to have your cake and eat it too as a single parent. I dated a woman who's ex's schedule was horrible, yet she still wanted primary care. She ended up with the kids more often, because she didn't like all his choices when parenting his daughters. It's a tough line to walk once divorce happens and you have to share the custody of the kids.
The OP is just in a tough spot and may be in a tough spot for quite some time. There's just not a lot that she can do, unless she goes to court to change the divorce agreement. She can always go and ask for more money, and he can always request to work less hours at work or quit all together. There's nothing making him or her to be more responsible parents, but themselves.
This is what I've always thought about primary care myself. If you want primary care of your child, you shouldn't be expected to date as much or have as much of a social life. You chose to be a parent, so you need to choose to live the parent lifestyle. What most of that is, is your life wrapped around giving your child the best possible environment to grow up in. Everything else comes second, and yes, that means your social life and your dating life.
If you don't want primary care, then set it up to have split custody or work on saving money for babysitters. It's why I don't have any kids myself. I was never in a relationship long enough to lead to marriage, so I was extra cautious while being sexually active. I've tried to date my share of single parents and dealing with their ex's was just too much. Most were only in the picture enough to be the "Fun Uncle", because honestly that was all the women wanted them to be. Granted, these guys were requesting more time with the kids, but the time requested didn't work with her schedule. This is just what happens when two people's schedules don't work out and they end up having children. Someone gets left doing the heavy lifting of parenthood and most times it's the woman.
This is what I've always thought about primary care myself. If you want primary care of your child, you shouldn't be expected to date as much or have as much of a social life. You chose to be a parent, so you need to choose to live the parent lifestyle. What most of that is, is your life wrapped around giving your child the best possible environment to grow up in. Everything else comes second, and yes, that means your social life and your dating life.
If you don't want primary care, then set it up to have split custody or work on saving money for babysitters. It's why I don't have any kids myself. I was never in a relationship long enough to lead to marriage, so I was extra cautious while being sexually active. I've tried to date my share of single parents and dealing with their ex's was just too much. Most were only in the picture enough to be the "Fun Uncle", because honestly that was all the women wanted them to be. Granted, these guys were requesting more time with the kids, but the time requested didn't work with her schedule. This is just what happens when two people's schedules don't work out and they end up having children. Someone gets left doing the heavy lifting of parenthood and most times it's the woman.
And what is "the parent lifestyle"? Pretty much every married parent I know socializes more frequently without their kids than I do as a single parent. They can do things as individuals, leaving the other parent home (eg, "Mom's Night Out"), and they socialize as a couple, leaving the child(ren) home with a sitter.
Many single parents can't afford to hire a sitter for as often as they might like, but IMO, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a parent, single or married, maintaining their life outside of being a parent. Just because a parent has shared custody doesn't mean they have to spend every waking hour with their kids unless they are with the other parent, any more than married couples spend 100% of their time outside of work together with each other and with their kids.
And what is "the parent lifestyle"? Pretty much every married parent I know socializes more frequently without their kids than I do as a single parent. They can do things as individuals, leaving the other parent home (eg, "Mom's Night Out"), and they socialize as a couple, leaving the child(ren) home with a sitter.
Many single parents can't afford to hire a sitter for as often as they might like, but IMO, there is absolutely nothing wrong with a parent, single or married, maintaining their life outside of being a parent. Just because a parent has shared custody doesn't mean they have to spend every waking hour with their kids unless they are with the other parent, any more than married couples spend 100% of their time outside of work together with each other and with their kids.
That's life. Life isn't fair. Some people are fortunate enough and marry the person that accommodates them and their marriage last a lifetime. With the divorce rate at 50%, it tells me that too many couples are marrying for the wrong reasons. Either marrying out of infatuation or they're ready to have a child and don't want to do it alone.
Maybe try and focus more on yourself and making you a better person, before you go out trying to look for your love yourself. I realize that everyone gets lonely in life, but when you are a single parent, a lot of your life changes and you put a lot of your own identity on the backburner. It's the downside of divorce.
Also, within that marriage you have help to where you can have your own identity. When you're a single parent, you need a lot more outside help who may not always be on the same page as a married person and their spouse. It's tough and I grew up in a single parent household from 10 on. My mom hardly dated, because she didn't have any time till I turned 17. That was the first time I even heard of her speaking of a man in her life. I just don't believe children are meant to be raised by one parent alone, but you can see many people are doing it. The problem arises when in order to do it, you sacrifice a lot of your personal life. My Mom had to do just that to raise me, since she failed marrying the right step parent and my biological father is/was a deadbeat.
We know she wanted primary care. This is something that has to be decided it isn't just awarded with no reasoning.
We know this was always his schedule.
Fill in the blanks.
It doesn't matter if he is an insufferable *******.
He isn't doing anything wrong.
If she feels he isn't fufilling his role as a parent she can talk to the judge about adding parameters to their arrangement to rectify it, but as it is the only problem is his work doesn't work for her perosnal life.
I already said if she doesn't want him to have more physical responsibility, she can ask for more money to cover childcare for when she can't be there, whether that reason is for a doctor's appointment, work or a social event. She definitely should expect to have a huge chunk of her social life removed. It happens to EVERYONE who has a kid, but to have it removed completely is not fair to her or the child. Getting "me" time away from your kids IS a crucial part of parenting. Having a social life is a crucial part of parenting. How can you properly parent if you are lonely, depressed, unsatisfied, unhappy, stressed out??? Wanting to go out every Saturday is definitely unrealistic. Wanting to go out one or two Saturdays a month, completely reasonable. If he can't watch the kid when she can't, either because of his job or because he is just an *******, he should at least, cover half the cost of childcare, especially considering she is taking on the bulk of child rearing. Why is that unreasonable??
That's life. Life isn't fair. Some people are fortunate enough and marry the person that accommodates them and their marriage last a lifetime. With the divorce rate at 50%, it tells me that too many couples are marrying for the wrong reasons. Either marrying out of infatuation or they're ready to have a child and don't want to do it alone.
Maybe try and focus more on yourself and making you a better person, before you go out trying to look for your love yourself. I realize that everyone gets lonely in life, but when you are a single parent, a lot of your life changes and you put a lot of your own identity on the backburner. It's the downside of divorce.
Also, within that marriage you have help to where you can have your own identity. When you're a single parent, you need a lot more outside help who may not always be on the same page as a married person and their spouse. It's tough and I grew up in a single parent household from 10 on. My mom hardly dated, because she didn't have any time till I turned 17. That was the first time I even heard of her speaking of a man in her life. I just don't believe children are meant to be raised by one parent alone, but you can see many people are doing it. The problem arises when in order to do it, you sacrifice a lot of your personal life. My Mom had to do just that to raise me, since she failed marrying the right step parent and my biological father is/was a deadbeat.
Really?? How presumptuous of you.
And nothing you've said in any way justifies the notion that a single/divorced parent is not entitled to maintain an adult social life, as long as they have the resources to make sure their kids are properly cared for while they sometimes take time for themselves. It doesn't automatically mean dating, but as someone else said, no parent - single or married - should be expected to spend 100% of their time with their kids. It's not good for the parent or the child.
I already said if she doesn't want him to have more physical responsibility, she can ask for more money to cover childcare for when she can't be there, whether that reason is for a doctor's appointment, work or a social event. She definitely should expect to have a huge chunk of her social life removed. It happens to EVERYONE who has a kid, but to have it removed completely is not fair to her or the child. Getting "me" time away from your kids IS a crucial part of parenting. Having a social life is a crucial part of parenting. How can you properly parent if you are lonely, depressed, unsatisfied, unhappy, stressed out??? Wanting to go out every Saturday is definitely unrealistic. Wanting to go out one or two Saturdays a month, completely reasonable. If he can't watch the kid when she can't, either because of his job or because he is just an *******, he should at least, cover half the cost of childcare, especially considering she is taking on the bulk of child rearing. Why is that unreasonable??
It's up to the judge to decide what is fair and isn't, we don't know how anything monetary is split.
If money is the issue or if it is not.
They are co parents not a couple. He has already made it aware he isn't going to change his work schedule (or if it is even a possibility)
It's up to her to make time and a life for herself, not her ex.
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