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Marriage is hard in the best of times. I think to make a marriage work over the long term both parties have to really want to get married and stay married every single day. Your boyfriend just doesn't seem like he's going to make very good husband material even if he manages to get it together to marry you. You don't have to talk all day long when you're apart, but most couples would at least check in to say hi...he blew you off for a Skype date, then went on a vacation for a few days without saying a word to you? Guys who are committed to their relationships don't do that. And even if he is telling the truth about the lunch out, it sounds really suspicious to me. Female friends that were around prior to your relationship are one thing, but texting and meeting up with women you meet at your friend's bachelor party are quite another in my book!
You deserve a lot better. There are guys out there who will be thrilled to marry you and make a life with you. Who would never go one single day without at least saying hello! It's hard to see your own situation sometimes when you're right in the middle of it, but I'm afraid you will stay with him for years and he will never appreciate you and be the kind of boyfriend you need to be truly happy.
He flew to an island 2 hours away, on vacation, and didnt tell you? Im afraid its over.
I know you think you are the best thing he's ever dated, and you do all sorts of wonderful little things for him, but it won't make him fall in love with you. Someone once told me that the most important thing to a man in a relationship, whether they realize it or not, it how his woman makes him feel. Has nothing to do with looks, or what you do for him. I dont know if its true or not, but in looking at successful relationships, Im thinking its true.
I think the old cliche "he's just not that into you" applies here. I hope you can get out of the real estate.
Right now I'm actually really considering to do this, for the first time ever. I just don't get why you would be in a relationship with someone you don't wanna be with long-term, even if you get some benefits like companionship and sex out of it. If I was him and I wanted that, I would just date around, or have a girlfriend and not buy a house or anything with her (and make terms clear from the start).
I hate to say it, everyone that has commented after this point is right about at least one thing, get out. At this point someone has already said the comment that should make you sit back and think very hard about your next move. I don't know who it was but they said something like, "stop wasting your brain cells on him and think about you." The thing of him going to an island makes me think he really doesn't care about you or isn't ready or whatever the whatever. What kind of guy does that without feeling guilty or like he should be telling you about a personal vacation regardless if you aren't getting along the best.
That was the comment that made me realize that during all your replies you're looking for an excuse to stay with him. How do you honestly feel? I mean how does your heart feel, not your head/mind? Talk about you. Not him. Because as corny as it sounds your mind is going to play tricks on you and confuse you. You said you weren't sure why he wasn't here with you unless it was for the right reason and to stay with you. That's the wrong direction to look. Look at his actions and reactions, not your proposed reason to why he is staying with you.
Look at the way you FEEL and ask if you can live like this because like I said before he isn't changing.
I would take all this advice and from here, make a decision on your own. A hundred people can tell you something you don't want to hear a hundred times, and you still won't hear it. Maybe you need some time to think about this and mull it over on your own. I first came to this site last week because I had a relationship problem with a new partner I just met and when the advice came in it was so overwhelming. It's good but to a certain extent. It's like you're the jury and we are the many many lawyers pitching a case to you. The jury has to go back to their quarters and think at some point, so they can make a decision. Maybe I'm completely wrong too, I don't know you, maybe it's very helpful for you. But some time to think about all these opinions should definitely allow you to let some stuff sink in instead of rehashing everyday.
I'm sorry you're going through this. I had to leave someone I loved so much once. I had to because it became toxic. I was hurting myself by staying with them because I cared so much and they cares so little. What happen to me was worse than I could have imagined. I drilled myself into the ground thinking too much. I probably would have done everything to believe it wasn't going to end. One day I did it and it hurt so bad. That was over a year ago and though I still remember it, I don't struggle daily anymore. Sometimes I still miss certain aspects but at this point I'm completely over it. I feel sooo much better. I don't regret it. It was one of the hardest thing I ever had to do. My family helped me. Once a SO gives up compassion, respect, and will to make small changes for you... What's left?
He's a complete flake, dear. Please dump this guy because he has made it more than clear by his actions (and inactions) that he's not as serious about this relationship as you are. It's not because you didn't do enough or because you need to do anything differently. That's not going to fix this. Before you drive yourself completely insane trying to fit some non existant expectation, you need to leave him. It's for the best.
You guys are all definitely right about the point that this is not healthy and I'm not happy. His behaviour is terrible when I'm not all smiles and sunshine, and that shows how actually I shouldn't be in this relationship. He wants me so much when everything is perfect, tells mall the time how much he loves me, but as soon as something isn't that great he shows me he has no respect for me. I know I cannot live like this forever. What if one day we have children and he still acts like that- That would be absolutely terrible, and I guess I would feel very lonely. He still hasn't contacted me, even though he returned from the island yesterday and is back at work. I mean, he is not talking to me because I complained that he didn't show up for the Skype meeting we had.. I think that says it all. I'm sad, but even a bit mad and thinking of contacting him, just to see what he has to say for himself. But my decision is all going in the same direction as you guys said.. breaking up. There is no other way it seems.
Your BF doesn't know what he wants, but I suggest you end the relationship. I can't deal with such indecisive people, who flip flop and mess with my emotions.
If you marry him, one day you'll come home and see that he's packed and abandoned you.
He's not showing signs of being a good husband. Don't settle for less than you deserve. He's much to flaky to be dependable IMO.
Your BF doesn't know what he wants, but I suggest you end the relationship. I can't deal with such indecisive people, who flip flop and mess with my emotions.
If you marry him, one day you'll come home and see that he's packed and abandoned you.
Yea, who knows. I'm also worried that maybe in the future when we have kids he could get pissed over something trivial and not talk to me for a couple of days and the kids will witness it. Or that from one day to another he decides I'm not good enough anymore and he replaces me by another girl. He already said he would never do that, but I know he has in the past. Not with me, but his ex. He was with her, apparently super in love, and one day he met another girl, broke up with his ex a few days later, she didn't suspect anything, and started a relationship with that new girl. A few months later, they broke up as well.
Update- I kinda broke up. Today, I whatsapped him, after he hadn't talked to me at all in over three days, and after he went to that island for holiday last weekend without telling me. Here's the conversation:
Me: Hi. Are we going to talk at one point?
Him: You said that we're not going to talk until you're back in two weeks.
Me: I never said that. I said that that I don't wanna keep texting about stuff like that on WhatsApp, I said you should call or skype me if you wanna talk, and you did not.
Him: Yea,but I took the weekend to really think about things. I think we're at really different points right now and that's why we have so many problems.
... I was thinking wtf? Many problems? We did not have many problems. Just two weeks ago he told me that he's not unsure about me. And I don't get what it has to do with 'different points' if he treats me without respect, and then gets mad when I tell him that it hurts me. I then said that he has always been flaky and that I'm not surprised at all that he's totally unsure about everything once again. I told him that I also don't want a relationship like this, because I feel that he has no respect for me and that this is not love. I told him that he should never have told me to sign the contract of that house and that I have no idea how we're getting out of this now. He read it (two blue marks and last time online), hasn't answered again.
You BOTH have been trying to convince yourselves that this relationship is right, and been meant to turn into something permanent, when it clearly is not. This is why he says one thing but his actions are contradictory. And you have been waiting for validation, probably because you've put in so much time together.
But marriage is not a magic spell that changes how people relate to each other. The dating period is the best it ever gets. And at this stage of your life, it should be absolutely clear after two years MAX whether you and your SO are meant for each other.
I'm sorry you mingled your finances before that was all clear to you. You should be contacting a lawyer asap to find out what your next step is (in the US, your ex would need to refinance the mortgage into just his name so that you can remove your name from it).
I'd appreciate your advice as well. I'll try to keep things as short as possible. I (27) have been in a relationship with my boyfriend (31) for three years this summer, we also live together and a few months ago we bought an apartment together (it was his idea, but I liked the idea). Almost three years ago, I moved to his country to be with him, which was a big step and a big sacrifice, but I was happy to do so because I really thought I found the one (we had a LDR for a few months, and he wanted me to be with him so badly). More than a year ago, he broke up with me. I didn't really see it coming, he said that we fight too much and although he loves me a lot, he cannot do it anymore and he is scared of a real commitment (e.g. future talk and marriage). I was shocked, since I really didn't think at all that we fought a lot. I went directly no contact and moved on with my life, even though it was really hard.
Three months later, he suddenly contacted me, wrote me a really long email. He apologised and said that he was an idiot, and that somehow he didn't think I would break up any contact to him when he broke up (what else would I have done). He said he regrets everything and has been missing me every day. We then talked for a few weeks, til I finally decided to take him back. He seemed like a changed man, was more sweet and caring than ever, and talked about the future with me, all the time, even about marriage and having kids. He showed me he changed. He said he couldn't more sure about me and never wants to loose me again. A months later, his work transferred him to another city and he asked me to come with him, which I did (I work self-employed, so no problem for me). That was also when he asked me to buy a house with him. Everything seemed great.
In late January, he came home one day and suddenly suggested we should get married. I was surprised, happy on the one side, on the other side a bit disappointed because I was hoping for a ring and something more romantic.But I thought well, maybe he's just not the type. He insisted we go to the courthouse the same day to ask what papers etc. we need, he really wanted to do this. Later I told him though that I would like something more than just going to the courthouse and sign the paper, that I'd like to have a ring and a dressand that we could maybe elope to some beautiful island or so. He said okay, said whatever you want to have we'll have. He also made some suggestions himself, so I was convinced he really wants to do this and is serious about it.
After a couple of days of talking about it, I tried to get things to the next level, look at rings, look up some wedding options on the internet. He always said sure, then kept cancelling our plans, til I finally confronted him and asked him what's going on. He said he feels that I'm pressuring him and that I'm in a total rush to get married. I was so surprised, since I have never pressured him about marriage ever, in our whole relationship we had talked about it maybe once or twice and I could have waited a bit longer for a proposal. He was the one who said we should get married and he was the one who said I should choose what I want for a wedding and we'll do it. He was the one who always said yes to everything at first, but now I'm suddenly pressuring him. He even said that actually he just wanted to get married for the papers (to give me health care benefits of his company etc.) and that we still could have had a party next year or so. I told him we could also just get engaged for now, and maybe plan a wedding for in a year or 1.5 years. He still said no, said it's too much pressure now and doesn't feel like it. He assured though that he really loves me, but wants this to 'happen naturally'. When I asked him when he's thinking for this to happen, he said he doesn't know. I dropped the topic.
Fast forward to a few weeks ago. After not talking about marriage at all for almost 4 months, I decided to mention it again. It was more spontaneous, because his best friend is getting married and we were talking about their wedding and what to get them. He seemed very uncomfortable with the topic, so I straight-out asked him 'What is it exactly that is holding you back from getting engaged/married to me?' I stressed out that I don't need to get engaged now, that I wouldn't mind to wait another year or so, but that I need to know that we're still on the same track. He said that he has doubts sometimes about the fights we have. I asked him what fights exactly, and he pointed out two fights in total(!) we had in the past three years (one of them more than two years ago). I didn't even find those fights bad, there was no screaming, violence or name calling, we just argued for something not too important (daily life stuff) and I started crying, he just left me there both times. Later both days, we made up. I was surprised to hear that, since to me it's not a biggie at all, but I said 'If it's really bothering you so much, what do you want to do to get rid of those doubts?' He said he doesn't know. I even suggested couple therapy, but he didn't seem very convinced. I asked him that if we would get therapy together would he able to pass those doubts, he said maybe, probably. But then he didn't really want to talk about it anymore, and ever since we haven't talked about therapy again.
Well, he's just pretending everything is ok, but I cannot. I cannot stop wondering if that means we'll never get married, and if he's just stringing me along and waits til he meets someone else to dump me again. I wonder if he will ever be totally sure about it. I got very worried about this, although I wonder at the same time why he would buy an apartment with me if he's not in for the long run. All this has made me doubt things he does sometimes, like for example at the moment I'm in another country and we won't see each other for two weeks, I have been gone for over 4 days and he hasn't texted me 'I love you' even once, not even when I texted him that I love him (we have talked on WhatsApp every day though). He also hasn't asked to skype with me, while he always wanted to skype earlier in the relationship. When I wanted to skype he said yes sure, but then didn't show up and told me the next day his phone died and he wasn't at home to charge it. Maybe I'm over interpreting these things, but they worry me I feel sometimes that he doesn't appreciate me, takes me for granted. When I told him that, he just got angry and said I'm completely exaggerating and I'm just trying to make him feel bad, which isn't true.
I don't really know what to do. I love him so much, but I feel like I'm in a limbo, wondering if he's really sure about me, if he really wants to be with me, and if he really wants to marry me in the future. Now I'm thinking to stay apart for a bit longer than planned. As mentioned, I'm in another country now, it's the country I worked and studied in before moving to his country three years ago. I'm here for business and to visit friends, and since I work self-employedI could basically stay as long as I want. I'm thinking to just do that. It doesn't meanI want to break up, I really do not, but I want to be with a man who's absolutely sure about me, and who makes me feel appreciated. I think maybe a bit of distance would be good for him to really think about things and make a decision and tell me what he really wants? I want to show him that I won't be there forever waiting for him until he makes up his mind, that I will live my life until he does (and plus, it might make me feel better because life here distracts me). On the other hand, I already thought he made up his mind last year, and he didn't. I mean ever since he has never said that he wants to break up or is thinking about it, but you get the point (the things I described before). By the way, he isn't a bad boyfriend in general. We spend most of our free time together and he can be very sweet, caring, funny, nice. He never goes out alone (he doesn't want to) and enjoys activities with me.
What do you think and what would you do? I appreciate any advice. Thank you.
His pretending everything is aye okay is his way of biding time for another back-up chick.
The long e-mail is a ploy to absolve himself of his guilt, while he has someone in his life, anyone.
You are not an anyone kind of woman. You are a woman who wants marriage to an honest sincere man, not a "dangle a carrot" in my face kind of woman.
You know what you want. He's not it.
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