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I have a situation that I need to handle very carefully.
Before I met my wife (happily married for many years now, three kids) I was in a long term relationship that didn't work out. It was definitely not my GF's fault, she was (and is) a very decent person and I have no doubts that had we married, we'd be happy together. I ended up leaving her, more or less, and I put 100% blame on myself.
Both of us eventually got married and had children, I lost track of her for a long time.
About two years ago, I bumped into her at a company sponsored social event, she lives in another state now and flew in for that occasion. We're in different professions but they are both related to engineering and technology. I'm in my late 40s and she's in her early 40s, if that matters.
We had a nice chat, exchanged email addresses, shown each other photos of our kids and spouses, it was about as civil and proper as things can get. Her husband has a small and apparently very successful hi-tech firm. (He is someone I used to know way back in the late 80s, which was surprising since they didn't know each other until they met many states away from here. The world is indeed a small place).
She sent me a couple of holiday greetings, nothing out of place.
Last June, her husband walked out of their marriage. She didn't give me many details, but I strongly suspect he was cheating. She used to be an extremely pretty girl but had gained some weight since I've known her, and she's rather petite so it's not very flattering. From the way she was talking about it I suspect the dude felt he didn't have the pretty woman he married anymore, and decided to look elsewhere.
Ever since, she's been bombarding me with emails, asking if we could get together (meet, not start a relationship). I get a feeling she is clinging to the relationship we used to have as a mean to deal with her husband's betrayal.
I am in a quandary here. I still like her a lot, as a person, and I feel responsible for her in a way. But I am married, I love my wife, and me going to meet with an ex-GF that used to be significant in my life, is not going to look good from her perspective, no matter what she says. On the other hand, that girl needs help and I don't want to let her down. If I tell her that I am worried that my wife may be upset in any way, she will definitely leave me alone, but then I feel I would not have given her the help she needs. What would you do ?
I am going to be brutally honest here so don't take offense- it is not personal.
Man up in every which way. I am not undermining you and saying that you are any less of a man. It's just a saying meaning, be more assertive and grab a hold of the situation and be the man.
Man up- we are dealing with people and their emotions.
Man up- you need not feel responsible for anyone- she lived and continues to live her own life as well as you.
Man up- you want to help her? Than do so without the "need" of acceptance or permission of your wife while being discipline enough not to go beyond a helping relationship
Man up- being open with your wife and let her know the situation and don't hide anything from her
Man up- don't cross the boundaries by spending more time than you need to with you- you can assist over the internet and on the phone.
Man up- you don't need permission from anyone to help another person in trouble- even if she was your "ex".
Man up- give her sound advice and re-iterate that the fact that she will need to find some counseling other than you.
Man up- reiterate the fact that although you can't devote too much time because of your circumstance, you will be there for her as a friend.
Man up- don't go into thinking everything is about intimacy- even if she takes it there, Man up and keep her at bay.
Bottom line, man up and take control by not comprising your relationship but also being there for a past friend- aka another human being.
The way that this is building up, you need to decide which is more important: your wife and kids... or a "friendship" with your old flame.
Gotta got with this, along with Wmsn4Life.
It's fine to care about your friend. But you aren't her personal therapist. If she needs serious help with marital, and possibly self-esteem, issues, a counselor would do, or speaking to someone in her family, rather than clinging to a married ex who has his own wife and children to worry about without adding another "baby" to the mix. And by baby, I mean in the sense you have to be responsible for, and try caring for her too.
So I think you need to tell her it's best you don't meet, because you don't think it's proper or respectful to your wife. Unless you wanna bring your wife with you when you see her....
I find it hard to believe that all the time since your break up with that she hasnt got friends she can talk to and lean on.
If you think all she wants to do is "meet", you are very naive.
You are not responsible for her, in any way shape or form. She is looking to re-kindle, she is on a terrible rebound, and is bouncing right towards you.
Have you shown your wife these emails? Have you told her what is going on. If not, why not?
Have you heard the saying, no good deed goes unpunished? Well, if you see her even once, it will put a monkey wrench in your marriage, whether you think so or not. Do Not Do It. Write her an email, tell her you are so sorry about her break up, hope that things will go well for you, but that you can not see her.
In your next, and hopefully last, email to her, just type what you wrote here:
...along with, "I don't think it will be appropriate or helpful for me to help you through this. I wish you the best."
If you don't want to fall off the cliff, don't walk close to the edge.
I am sorry but that is wrong. We are talking about people here. We don't let go of our own- they have history. He has to be able to guide it in a way that it doesn't compromise but a leader knows how to guide. A leader, a man, doesn't just let people fend for themselves....
If he can't help another human being without damaging his own marriage, then what do we have here? He will do the same to his current wife and mother of his children if they get divorced? Oh, so now children make a difference? No, people are people and are meant to help each other with boundaries. We set them. She hasn't crossed any boundaries, he is simply not manning up enough and jumping to conclusions.
He is simply going based on what he read in some magazine about boundaries and women that have cheating husbands will want to go back to their ex... Yes, it happens but we as humans have to set boundaries and not feed into it.... If a man and woman can be friends, they can certainly be so while being married... We can't have it one way and not the other... we can't say that men and women can be friends BUT ONLY when they are not married to others...
OP, you can assist, give guidance, provide her with a therapist, and check up on her from a distance. You don't' have to meet but you shouldn't just abandon her.
If your wife can't accept this, then she doesn't trust you. A woman can trust her OBGYN husband but can't trust a husband helping an old friend of the opposite sex who is in need?
Most of you are saying to "lose contact" because many of you are reading into his poor judgement. He doesn't even know himself what the deal is. He is assuming she wants him for his "D"... It's not that serious OP, not all women want their EX for the "D". Oh, but can a man be saying that? How dare a man say such a thing and have women think otherwise which is why they are calling to cut all contacts. Hypocrites is why.
That is why I say we are hypocrites. Change one element of the story and all of a sudden, men are pigs... I, as a man, am saying not to abandon a friend and be of assistance from a distance. But many want to cut it all off.... Who is being unreasonable now?
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