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(Saying this with the assumption that she's given up on this thread). OPs posting history mostly matches up with what she says here, with the exception that sometimes she's still in college and hopes to make $60K when she graduates, and sometimes she's already a full-fledged professional in her field, making $60K. Everything else has is the same. Red flags galore.
I agree about certain aspects of the history posted in the forums previously.
Whatever the case may be, Freealex I think your boyfriend needs to Free alex and allow you to be your own woman and make your own decisions concerning your family. You asked and it appears the replies here are unanimous and I believe that you realize it as well.
Moderator cut: delete
Last edited by Miss Blue; 05-27-2015 at 04:48 PM..
Reason: orphaned response to deleted part of quoted post
I plan on moving 7 hours away and would like to keep in touch with my family through Facebook (most of them have a Facebook) but my boyfriend thinks Facebook is stupid. My boyfriend and I have been together for 10 years now and he doesn't like the idea of me having friends or being on any type of social media because he worries about guys trying to message me and stuff. I'm not a huge fan of Facebook myself but I want to be able to keep in touch with my parents, post pictures, ect.
I would restrict the Facebook to friends and family only, but my boyfriend still thinks it's stupid. I have always kinda gone along with him when he says that Facebook is stupid, but really I wouldn't mind having one. My dad always tells me to make one and I feel bad because the only reason I don't do it is because of my boyfriend.
My boyfriend is my only friend but I don't mind because I don't really care about having a bunch of friends. I'm socially awkward anyways. He is a really good guy, just jealous and paranoid.
No, he is NOT a really good guy. Google "domestic violence" and you will find endless sites describing the habits of abusers, and one of the first you will see is that an abuser will isolate you from your family. He is your only friend? He doesn't want you to stay in touch with your family? Do NOT tell yourself that he is not an abuser because he hasn't hit you. Physical violence is not the only type of abuse there is.
To everyone who isn't you, loud alarm bells are clanging. This is wrong. He is controlling you so tightly that you are looking for his PERMISSION to have a Facebook account? That should not seem OK to you.
Please look up a counselor or the domestic violence hotline in your area. You are not in a healthy situation. Please get help.
People... I know everyone has the OP's best interests at heart, but please keep something in mind - she has Asperger's syndrome. That's a very important factor in this situation, for a lot of reasons. I agree with everyone that there's a lot here that sounds way, way off, but let me at least present an alternate perspective on some of it. From someone who has a lot of experience with an Asperger's person.
First of all, Aspies (especially female aspies) tend to experience and interpret emotions differently. They tend to form fewer relationships, and sometimes avoid relationships altogether, partly because relationships "feel" very differently to them than what they think they're supposed to feel like from watching movies, reading books, and hearing other people talk about relationships. One of the things this means is that when they're in a relationship, they may tend to prioritize many aspects of the relationship dynamic differently than other people would, because it just doesn't feel the same to them as it does to those of us who aren't afflicted with Asperger's.
Now, I'm not defending her boyfriend or saying that staying with her boyfriend is the right decision for her to make (because I don't know enough about them to make that judgment), but what I am saying is that if you're offering her advice, you have to understand that no matter how empathic you may be, you're not going to see the relationship through her eyes - and she is not going to be able to see if through your eyes. Your realities are too different, and your frames of reference don't overlap very much. So if she doesn't seem to understand your advice, or seems to be ignoring it or minimizing it, please don't be angry or frustrated with her - even if you think you're saying it clearly, she just may not be hearing what you think you're saying. Or, she may be hearing it, but doesn't feel that it connects with what she was trying to ask about. It's not her fault.
And, by the same token - even though you may think you clearly understand what she meant by a certain remark or a specific sentence, it may not be an accurate reflection at all of what she was intending to convey. Again, I'm not defending the boyfriend - because yeah, it really does sound like a lot of red flags - but please remember that one of the reasons many aspies don't form close relationships is because they constantly feel that what they meant to say was misunderstood.
So when she says (as she does several times in this thread) that people are misunderstanding her, please give her the benefit of the doubt. I agree, it does sound a lot like the classic abuse pattern, where the victim defends the abuser ("oh, no, he's really not that bad"), and perhaps there is at least some element of that here - but it could also be that part of the reason for that is because she really didn't mean it the way it sounded. Choosing the right words can be an extremely difficult task for someone with Asperger's, and it's really important to cut them some slack and recognize that even though it sounds like they said A, they may very well have meant B - but just didn't pick the right way to convey it, and even a seemingly simple statement came out completely wrong.
And the third thing I'll say is that when she says that her boyfriend is her only friend, that is not necessarily a red flag at all. In fact, that's very common for aspies. They don't feel comfortable around most people, and when they find someone with whom they do feel comfortable, they tend to stick with them because it's extremely hard work explaining themselves to people who don't understand them. It's very common for adult aspies to have only one person in their life with whom they feel close, or even nobody at all. So - yeah, maybe a red flag, but then again not necessarily in this case.
To the OP - I won't give you the same advice that everyone else is giving, because what's the point? Hearing it 100 times doesn't have any more value than hearing it 99. You know what everyone is saying, and I know you understand it, so only you can decide whether it's relevant.
What I will say, though, is this - I know that for someone with Asperger's, life can be an extremely lonely experience. You can spend an entire lifetime looking for just that one human being who understands you, and not only accepts you but loves you for exactly who you are. I know how hard that can be, and how precious it is when you think you've found that one person. All I can say is that I really hope that you've found someone who truly only has your best interests at heart, and who truly does respect you and want to help you grow in your life - and that you're not just settling for someone who seems to understand you, and letting yourself be blinded to what may perhaps be some alarming red flags.
If you have a family member you trust, I urge you to talk to them about this, and try to get an outside opinion of the relationship dynamic. From someone who knows you better than we do, and who cares about you. I know how wonderful it is for someone with Asperger's to find a partner who's protective of their emotions, but it would be heartbreaking if that protectiveness goes too far and crosses the line into control. I know how hard it can be for aspies to set limits (especially with someone they love and trust), but frankly it really does sound like you may have to find a way to do that with your boyfriend. Because some of what you're describing really does sound like he's... mmm.... maybe too much of a good thing.
Good luck to you with this, and with your move and your new career.
I notice that people keep saying he's super controlling. I swear it's not like that at all. He doesn't search my phone or anything weird like that. People don't understand one bit. I should have never posted anything. And he really is my best friend I'm not just saying that.
You probably shouldn't have said he was paranoid and jealous. That's what set people off.
I think you have an unconventional relationship, which is fine. Not everyone is destined to be Ward and June Cleaver.
People... I know everyone has the OP's best interests at heart, but please keep something in mind - she has Asperger's syndrome. That's a very important factor in this situation, for a lot of reasons. I agree with everyone that there's a lot here that sounds way, way off, but let me at least present an alternate perspective on some of it. From someone who has a lot of experience with an Asperger's person.
First of all, Aspies (especially female aspies) tend to experience and interpret emotions differently. They tend to form fewer relationships, and sometimes avoid relationships altogether, partly because relationships "feel" very differently to them than what they think they're supposed to feel like from watching movies, reading books, and hearing other people talk about relationships. One of the things this means is that when they're in a relationship, they may tend to prioritize many aspects of the relationship dynamic differently than other people would, because it just doesn't feel the same to them as it does to those of us who aren't afflicted with Asperger's.
Now, I'm not defending her boyfriend or saying that staying with her boyfriend is the right decision for her to make (because I don't know enough about them to make that judgment), but what I am saying is that if you're offering her advice, you have to understand that no matter how empathic you may be, you're not going to see the relationship through her eyes - and she is not going to be able to see if through your eyes. Your realities are too different, and your frames of reference don't overlap very much. So if she doesn't seem to understand your advice, or seems to be ignoring it or minimizing it, please don't be angry or frustrated with her - even if you think you're saying it clearly, she just may not be hearing what you think you're saying. Or, she may be hearing it, but doesn't feel that it connects with what she was trying to ask about. It's not her fault.
And, by the same token - even though you may think you clearly understand what she meant by a certain remark or a specific sentence, it may not be an accurate reflection at all of what she was intending to convey. Again, I'm not defending the boyfriend - because yeah, it really does sound like a lot of red flags - but please remember that one of the reasons many aspies don't form close relationships is because they constantly feel that what they meant to say was misunderstood.
So when she says (as she does several times in this thread) that people are misunderstanding her, please give her the benefit of the doubt. I agree, it does sound a lot like the classic abuse pattern, where the victim defends the abuser ("oh, no, he's really not that bad"), and perhaps there is at least some element of that here - but it could also be that part of the reason for that is because she really didn't mean it the way it sounded. Choosing the right words can be an extremely difficult task for someone with Asperger's, and it's really important to cut them some slack and recognize that even though it sounds like they said A, they may very well have meant B - but just didn't pick the right way to convey it, and even a seemingly simple statement came out completely wrong.
And the third thing I'll say is that when she says that her boyfriend is her only friend, that is not necessarily a red flag at all. In fact, that's very common for aspies. They don't feel comfortable around most people, and when they find someone with whom they do feel comfortable, they tend to stick with them because it's extremely hard work explaining themselves to people who don't understand them. It's very common for adult aspies to have only one person in their life with whom they feel close, or even nobody at all. So - yeah, maybe a red flag, but then again not necessarily in this case.
To the OP - I won't give you the same advice that everyone else is giving, because what's the point? Hearing it 100 times doesn't have any more value than hearing it 99. You know what everyone is saying, and I know you understand it, so only you can decide whether it's relevant.
What I will say, though, is this - I know that for someone with Asperger's, life can be an extremely lonely experience. You can spend an entire lifetime looking for just that one human being who understands you, and not only accepts you but loves you for exactly who you are. I know how hard that can be, and how precious it is when you think you've found that one person. All I can say is that I really hope that you've found someone who truly only has your best interests at heart, and who truly does respect you and want to help you grow in your life - and that you're not just settling for someone who seems to understand you, and letting yourself be blinded to what may perhaps be some alarming red flags.
If you have a family member you trust, I urge you to talk to them about this, and try to get an outside opinion of the relationship dynamic. From someone who knows you better than we do, and who cares about you. I know how wonderful it is for someone with Asperger's to find a partner who's protective of their emotions, but it would be heartbreaking if that protectiveness goes too far and crosses the line into control. I know how hard it can be for aspies to set limits (especially with someone they love and trust), but frankly it really does sound like you may have to find a way to do that with your boyfriend. Because some of what you're describing really does sound like he's... mmm.... maybe too much of a good thing.
Good luck to you with this, and with your move and your new career.
Thank you for your post. It was very informative.
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