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Old 06-05-2015, 04:00 PM
 
4 posts, read 2,823 times
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I'm 52 and I was married for 28 years. My ex-husband was a prince charming when I met him at 17 and then slowly turned into one of the most despicable men I've met. We had 3 sons who are now all grown up.

He was verbally abusive, cheated countless times and he forged my signature to get bank loans. Don't ask me why I stayed for so many years because I can't even answer it myself. I finally divorced when he slapped me for the first time.

It has been 4 years since the divorce and I enjoy my new life but the trauma is still here. Besides my job, I work at a charity centre 3 times a week. I've made many friends there but there is this 63 year old man who has been particularly close to me since the beginning.

I was speechless when he asked me out for coffee. I reluctantly accepted but we had a very good time. He's a very good company, he's intelligent, funny and attentive. He's also divorced and he has 2 children and grandchildren.

We went on another date and it was great as well. The problem is he has now invited me to dinner with him and I'm afraid of allowing things to develop...I actually shared these fears with him and he said "it's just a dinner between two people who enjoy being together".

I love being with him but I'm not sure men can be trusted after what I went through. I talked about this with a very good friend of mine and she said if he's nice, there's no reason to punish him for what my ex-husband did because it's not his fault.

After my divorce I seriously thought I would be on my own for the rest of ny life and I wanted nothing to do with a man ever again. But now that I've met him there are a lot of doubts in my head.

P.S. I'm not from an English-speaking country so excuse me.

Last edited by RedZin; 06-05-2015 at 04:13 PM.. Reason: Title was gender bashing.
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Old 06-05-2015, 04:05 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
90,504 posts, read 86,619,871 times
Reputation: 97246
Do you have access to qualified counseling/therapy, especially trauma therapy? I would give some short-term therapy a try, to help you process your experience of so many years. If you find someone good, you'll feel better having someone to talk to and to help you recover, and get a fresh perspective on things.

You can also, at some point, tell the nice man that you're not ready to date or socialize. There's nothing wrong with that. He should be understanding. If he continues to push, that will tell you something about what kind of person he is. Not your kind.
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Old 06-05-2015, 04:05 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,986 posts, read 51,849,390 times
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Some people can be trusted, some cannot. Unfortunately, you cannot always tell right away.

Love involves risk and making yourself vulnerable. It might do you good to seek therapy to recover from your abusive marriage before you date again.
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Old 06-05-2015, 04:10 PM
 
4 posts, read 2,823 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
Do you have access to qualified counseling/therapy, especially trauma therapy? I would give some short-term therapy a try, to help you process your experience of so many years. If you find someone good, you'll feel better having someone to talk to and to help you recover, and get a fresh perspective on things.

You can also, at some point, tell the nice man that you're not ready to date or socialize. There's nothing wrong with that. He should be understanding. If he continues to push, that will tell you something about what kind of person he is. Not your kind.
I never had therapy but yes, I could have it. The problem is I want to be with him, I truly enjoy when I'm with him. I thought about cancelling our first date but then I was glad I didn't.
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Old 06-05-2015, 04:12 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
90,504 posts, read 86,619,871 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Maresia View Post
I never had therapy but yes, I could have it. The problem is I want to be with him, I truly enjoy when I'm with him. I thought about cancelling our first date but then I was glad I didn't.
If you enjoy his company, enjoy it. You can take things slowly from there, according to your comfort level.
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Old 06-05-2015, 04:14 PM
 
Location: My House
34,820 posts, read 32,750,571 times
Reputation: 26129
You friend is right. You cannot blame ALL men for what your ex did.

Would you want guys blaming YOU for all the bad things women did to them in the past?
__________________
When in doubt, check it out: FAQ
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Old 06-05-2015, 04:16 PM
 
6,319 posts, read 6,515,121 times
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For every woman treated bad by a man, there is a man treated bad by a woman.

It's not actually a "men cant be trusted" thing as a "people cant be trusted" thing.

OP please don't judge other people by your husbands ways.

Take people as you find them - if they treat you well, etc.

None of us have a guarantee we wont be hurt again. It's part of being alive!
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Old 06-05-2015, 04:22 PM
 
4 posts, read 2,823 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth4Truth View Post
If you enjoy his company, enjoy it. You can take things slowly from there, according to your comfort level.
He's a very good talker and listener as well. I'm very insecure about my appearance even though I try to take care of myself (dress nicely, use make up, have my hair and nails done every week, etc). Not that I'm overweight, not even close to it, but 3 pregnancies and menopause have its consequences.

He gave me a compliment on my looks in our last date and I said I didn't look so good. He said "neither do I compared to 30 years ago but that's not what matters most at this stage".
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Old 06-05-2015, 04:30 PM
 
Location: Brentwood, Tennessee
49,986 posts, read 51,849,390 times
Reputation: 98359
Quote:
Originally Posted by Maresia View Post
He gave me a compliment on my looks in our last date and I said I didn't look so good.
This ^^^ is why therapy would help. If you keep saying stuff like this, he will believe you and you will have talked him out of being with you.

It sounds like he has a pretty realistic outlook.
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Old 06-05-2015, 05:49 PM
 
4 posts, read 2,823 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Wmsn4Life View Post
This ^^^ is why therapy would help. If you keep saying stuff like this, he will believe you and you will have talked him out of being with you.

It sounds like he has a pretty realistic outlook.
Yes, I know I have to stop thinking like this. It was just too many years being with the wrong man.
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