Why doesn't my husband open up with me? (men, love, family)

[augiedogie]

I can't believe people are this insensitive to a guy that is having problems dealing with the death of several people close to him. Divorce? That's just about as cruel as you can get. I can understand your concern that he's hurting. I don't doubt that is also a concern that makes you feel insecure. There's no indication he wants a divorce. You just have to remember that just because a man doesn't express feelings the way a woman does, doesn't mean he doesn't have them. Men have been raised to be strong, to not show their feelings. As I said, just be supportive. I bet you made a promise to be faithful and to love him, for better for worse. Sometimes, you have to go through the bad times too, and this is one of them.

[Dport7674]

Society use to value stoicism in men. He's a hold over from the old school. There's no changing him now.

[CeCStraw]

Originally Posted by jdmil

Wow. My heart was breaking as I read your post. I'm sorry to hear about your losses. His mom and his sister is bad enough, but to lose a child...I'd be delirious. I probably wouldn't be able to tell you my full name if something happened to my kid. But people handle grief and sorrow differently. You've been with him long enough to know he's the strong, silent type. He's from the "men ain't supposed to cry" generation. At his age that's not going to change.

I don't know to what extent he's "hot tempered". If it's a situation where he's being difficult to the people remaining in his life because he hasn't dealt with his grief -- because that definitely happens -- you might need to suggest some counseling. It's one thing if he deals with things in his own way, but you and your kids and the people he works with don't necessarily deserve to be the punching bag. In times of loss, it's important to hold close those you hold dear, not alienate yourself even further by pushing people away.

Yes, I don't even want to imagine what's like to lose a child, it's the worse thing in the world. She had always been around because he made sure she was part of our family and had contact with her brothers. I miss her dearly and it's so unfair she died from such a disease.

He doesn't necessarily treat us as a punching bag, he has never been agressive to me. In 39 years I don't remember him ever swearing at me or being less respectiful. It's more about him complaining a lot when things go wrong and I'm just the one who's around a lot of the time.

In the meanwhile I try to be affectionate towards him. He never takes the initiative but he's responsive if I kiss him or give him a hug.

The best times are when our grandchildren are around, it seems like he's completely away from all the problems and manages to relax.

[historyfan]

Sounds like everyone could use some healthy stress relief. Ask him to take a daily walk with you as part of a new routine. Look for some outside activities that you would all enjoy.

And do something as personal memorials for those you have lost. I like to plant trees & shrubs in my yard memory of cherished friends & family.

[usayit]

Originally Posted by CeCStraw

He has a bit of a hot temper as well but he has never been aggressive or disrespectful towards me. He usually gets angry with issues from work and things like that.

Reflecting on myself, this would take the top priority to address.

I know when I'm angry, I don't think or act rationally which is 180 degrees from my normal disposition. It clouds judgement, hurts others, and isolates myself from family. It kept me from working out issues with those close to me.

Sounds to me like his anger is further isolating himself in a destructive manner. Loosing a child is absolutely one of the worst things a parent can go through.... He's not handling it properly and his anger just might be part of the reason.

[rbohm]

Originally Posted by CeCStraw

I'm not trying to change him. He can keep working if he wants to of course...we've always given each other space to make our own choices. I just know that he's suffering (which is quite natural) and he can't see there are people who love him and just want him to be okay (our children included even if they fight from time to time).

actually he does see the people around him, and he does know that you are trying to help him through this time of his life. he sounds like the kind of guy though that doesnt express his emotions, but rather he bottles them up and rids himself of them through other means.

the best you can do is be there for him, and let him go through his cycles with his emotions. he is carrying a heavy burden right now, and if he was the type to open up, he would have long ago. he also sounds like the kind of guy that doesnt want others burdened by his problems.

so again be there for him, and do what ever you can to help him through these issues.

[Lilac110]

His mother, daughter, and sister died within a few months of each other? Losing a child is pain enough to turn someone's world on its head right there, never mind a beloved parent and a sibling.

Cut him some slack. The man is probably awash in more sorrow than he knows how to handle. Your sons are grown up. They should know this, as well, and all of you need to put on some kid gloves. Part of loving someone is knowing when to back off, too.

Just let him know you are there for him should he wish to talk. Otherwise, be there in the background, going the extra mile for him out of love. It's the little things right now, small favors, making the home a sanctuary, allowing him the peace of mind to process and grieve in his own way. That includes letting him do for himself if he wishes. Don't hover. Just observe and take the opportunity to comfort without "officially" comforting, if that makes any sense.

And brace yourself for the day he lets it all out, because it's probably going to be out of nowhere, and it might very well be what I call an "ugly cry" demonstrating more emotion than you ever thought he had.

[segment]

Originally Posted by CeCStraw

My husband I have been married for 39 years. We have 3 sons together, all grown up now. He has been my only true love, even though communication as always been a problem because he's very reserved. He's a hard worker, reliable and loyal but when it comes to discuss our relationship, he simply turns his back.

I will speak for myself with regards as to why I refuse to talk with my wife, maybe it can give you some insight. For starters, I have been married now for 10 years.

My wife and I see things differently. From my perspective, my job is to provide as best as I can, be a good father, and make sure things in the house are solid. I have little time for gossip, or nonsense. I don't care to hear about what Jane did in a million words... Just get to the point.

E.G.:

Me: "I went to the store to buy milk"
Her: "OMG, so I was in the car right? And I'm driving down that road, you know, the road where Jane lives... And as I am driving, I see this cute little squirrel cross the street... So I didn't want to him him..." [5 minutes pass by] "and then when I get to the refrigerator, I started thinking... Whole milk? Or 2%..." [more minutes pass by and I am frustrated]...

I leave little room for error in my words because things I often say are taken so out of context, I'd rather avoid the argument and say as close to little as possible. It's not that I don't care about my wife... I'd rather not hear another complaint. To be fair, I love my wife dearly, but she suffers from personality disorders, so she can be an angel one day, to the girl in the Exorcist the next.

EMOTIONS

I don't tell my wife when things bug me. I feel it's best to save her from being equally sad from something I can say. For example, my son (from another woman) recently passed away and I was, and am beyond crushed on a daily basis. I say nothing to avoid making her sad, but to also avoid her saying something which may make me retaliate. It's a protectionist thing for me.

Everyone is different, no one is going to be able to give you any particular "a-ha!" insight. I shared with you some of the things I go through in hopes you may have an idea of a male mind from one perspective.

[yankeegirl313]

Could you possibly ask him to go away for a few days with you, alone?
Sounds like he needs to stop long enough to allow himself to grieve.
A lot of people just keep pushing, and don't allow themselves time for anything else.

Sounds like he needs to take time for himself and for you. Good luck!

[rosebyanothername]

First of all, my condolences for the losses you and your husband have been through and so close together. I know when I lost my baby and then my Dad within four months apart, it changed me for a good while. The grief was so difficult for me to understand and handle. I remember my other daughter saying something to me and I shouted at her and although that was years ago, I still feel guilty.
I suggest that you suggest therapy for him to help him deal with losing so many people close to him. Perhaps a support group would be helpful and particularly with the loss of his daughter. No matter how old our children are, if they go before us, it is so difficult for us as parents to comprehend and the pain we go through is horrific.

There are good publications on grief. There are also good ones on relationships. Like the male poster pointed out,men do not think like women. He is dealing with his grief, working longer hours to keep his mind off things (my ex did that when we split). The best bet is to try and support him, be with him. Try not to nag him about being inattentive. That is only going to cause him to withdraw more from you.

(And btw....some of the responses were unnecessarily cruel...."divorce him??" Really? That's the best you've got?.
OP, take what you find will be helpful, if any, from the responses. Try not to take someone who posts nasty comments too seriously. They probably are kids.