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Old 01-22-2008, 06:47 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,531,484 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Zorya View Post
This is what I was thinking too. Trust me, I found out after 15 years of marriage that my husband had a membership to a gay sex club. What you wrote is what happened with us, almost word for word. My ex got into porn big time and everything I found out about (besides the sex club) was heterosexual porn. I had absolute proof that he was spending time at a "bathhouse" and he still denied it, then he admitted to having sex there but swears he's not gay. You would have never known by looking, or by how he acted that he was gay. Good luck with whatever you decide to do.
Good morning friend, I was just telling our stories.

and it's true, you would have never thought her husband was gay or bi, just dumb....sort of an absent look in his eyes. Those same dumb looks that we see on my favorite TV show, Dateline...To Catch a Preditor....

Those guys are so consumed by the internet porn and sex world that they don't even know they are part of a sting.

Oh...and I'll say it again....don't see myself marrying again....once you have the ability for find out anything, how could you subject someone to your need to know. It's best if I remain solo. The only way that I will ever marry again, is if we live in a yurt on barren tundra, with no amenities.....just our love and a fur bed.
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Old 01-22-2008, 07:04 AM
 
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,531,484 times
Reputation: 999
Big Brother Great program. Not for the faint of heart. Trust your intuition and back it up with proof and then don't act like it was such a shock.

A lot of people become vulnerable and insecure once they find out the dark side of a SO. I'd rather clean house after a short time of suspicion and validation, then be stuck with someone who was embellishing their sex life without me for decades.

If anything, my experiences and my friends experiences have made us more confident and P.O'd, happy but defensive. You can't mess with a person once they've taught themselves to be their own personal private eye.
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:10 AM
 
40 posts, read 198,940 times
Reputation: 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by katzenfreund View Post
Wow, I can't answer your question. But I think you deserve something more and better than what you are getting in this relationship. If you don't mind me asking... why are you still with him? It sounds like you would be better off without him, hope you don't mind me saying that. It is hard to compete with a fantasy and fantasy is exactly what internet porn sites are, same thing for phone sex....
He is has been dishonest in the past and is probably still dishonest. Is your relationship good, outside of the bedroom?

There are definately way more pros in our relationship than cons believe it or not. He is an outstanding father and treats me wonderfully. You would never guess in million years that he would do these things. It is such a secret life that is being lived. I guess what hurts the most is not only him being unfaithful but the lies and secrecy that goes with it. I can't understand the whole thing either. ?????
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:11 AM
 
40 posts, read 198,940 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Ladywithafan View Post
You can go in way deep in the history that can't be erased...been there done it because I was suspicious of my "X" husband, found I was right and also found out, if you need to check that "deep" you don't need that person in a marriage!

How did you get there???
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:12 AM
 
40 posts, read 198,940 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by canibeyou View Post
I have nothing to add in the way of advise... but know that you'll be in my prayers. http://i5.photobucket.com/albums/y164/canibeyou/2pray.gif (broken link)

Thank you
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:15 AM
 
40 posts, read 198,940 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by MagicTouch View Post
rdy4agetaway,

Yes I responded to you in the technology forum. Get a snoopstick that should do the trick and he won't know it's even there. You can even track his activity from another computer. You will see email, IM and websites visited. There are other tools you can use to pull data, even if deleted from the hard drive, but this will give you information on what he is currently doing. If you use this I would make sure that you print out the data found.

I'm sorry to hear that you are going through this, I've been there and wish I had something like this to at least track what was going on.

I wish you the all the best.

Thanks. I will look into this. I am sorry you have been where I am. It is not fun. It is a very confusing thing when he is so great in every other way!
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:17 AM
 
40 posts, read 198,940 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by bellestaroftexas View Post
totally agree.
and to the OP, i have been in your shoes-trust me, it does not get any better. if anything, it gets worse. you cant change anyone. they are intrinsicly who they are. this man wont change or "stop" just for you. he will just be even more cautious in his pursuit of the porn "high". he has gone to the dark side and it is hard to rehabilitate someone who has. believe me, consider cutting your losses now before you end up in a whole world of emotional hurt and betrayal.

Were you married to him? Children? Did he go to counseling? I would love to talk with you more about your own experience. You can reply personally if you want. Thanks
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:18 AM
 
40 posts, read 198,940 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Fat Freddy View Post
What benefit would you get from spying on the guy?

You have already split once and don't have any sex life so it should be obvious that the relationship isn't working.

Leave the poor guy alone, he obviously has some issues to work out and you are only making it harder for him.

Get on with your life and find somebody else to spy on.


You obviously have never been married with 3 wonderful children or have cared about someone so deeply. I would like to hear from you when and if that day ever comes. Or you are doing the same and find no harm in it.
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:20 AM
 
40 posts, read 198,940 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by jeannie216 View Post
Not to complicate this situation more for you, but if he is cheating, I would be very concerned of what he may be bringing home to you. It sounds like a very abusive relationship and maybe some counseling for yourself would help you to see things more clearly.

Thank you for the reply. I actually have been in counseling since it started. Not so regularly this past year because of a cancer diagnosis, but it has helped. He too saw one regularly for about 6 months. That is when things started getting better and I thought we were on the upswing. thanks again
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Old 01-22-2008, 08:26 AM
 
40 posts, read 198,940 times
Reputation: 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by willdufauve View Post
I think tracking his internet activity, if not paranoid, is at least as dishonest as anything he's doing.

The overwhelming majority of men have had an interest in porn at different times in their lives. It gets some women upset but it isn't such a big deal to a man, and it certainly is not cheating or even evidence of cheating. You say yourself you have no proof of cheating. It's a private activity he does in his own home that you want to control because you don't like it.

First of all, from your description of your sex life he may have a physical problem, like borderline impotence, diabetes, or another circulation issue.

Secondly, if he has no interest in sex he may be living with depression and you should be directing him to his doctor.

Third, why aren't you talking to him about this directly instead of posting on a message board? Ask him what's going on. See what he says and where the conversations lead you.
You are right about the "overwhelming majority" thing. I find it disgusting and degrading. Regarding a physical problem, No he masturbates just fine and so we can rule that one out. Secondly he does have an interest in sex, just not with me, thirdly I have talked with him about this for 4 years and am exhausted with the lies and excuses. Regarding not having any proof, that is right now. what do you think about my daughter finding a condom in his wallet while getting lunch money out and asking me what it was. (just for the record, we have NEVER used them.) His excuse was that he had it just in case. I am not going to continue to try and justify how I feel about this. Anyone in or ever has been in my shoes knows how much it hurts and how overwhelmingly confusing it is. As someone mentioned before. Fantasies are hard to compete with.
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