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If he was going to those websites while you two were sexually active, I can almost guarantee he went to them during the year of abstinence. I in no way condone any of that activity (porn while married, dating websites, etc) but no sex for a year? I just find that to be a strange punishment (it was a punishment, right?).
You must have misunderstood my post. I have never witheld sex. If you go back to my original post, I stated that when we do have sex, I am the one who initiates, and the majority of the time he either isn't in to it or is robotic with the process. When you are denied time after time, you get to the point that you don't even bother. That is where I got. I don't condone any wife witholding sex from their spouse.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,536,860 times
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Quote:
Originally Posted by rdy4agetaway
You are right about the "overwhelming majority" thing. I find it disgusting and degrading. Regarding a physical problem, No he masturbates just fine and so we can rule that one out. Secondly he does have an interest in sex, just not with me, thirdly I have talked with him about this for 4 years and am exhausted with the lies and excuses. Regarding not having any proof, that is right now. what do you think about my daughter finding a condom in his wallet while getting lunch money out and asking me what it was. (just for the record, we have NEVER used them.) His excuse was that he had it just in case. I am not going to continue to try and justify how I feel about this. Anyone in or ever has been in my shoes knows how much it hurts and how overwhelmingly confusing it is. As someone mentioned before. Fantasies are hard to compete with.
The condom is a huge indicator of sex with strangers. If he had a steady girlfriend, she would have the condoms. And I'm sorry to say, the condom is the spokesperson of the down low. I think porn is the least of your problems and you are right to want proof. Prepare yourself for disappointment or the relief that it is only porn.
You know how to get his voice mail pin number right?
Start keeping track of how much money he is spending on these activities. You can get a percentage of that back, if not all of it.
The condom is a huge indicator of sex with strangers. If he had a steady girlfriend, she would have the condoms. And I'm sorry to say, the condom is the spokesperson of the down low. I think porn is the least of your problems and you are right to want proof. Prepare yourself for disappointment or the relief that it is only porn.
You know how to get his voice mail pin number right?
Start keeping track of how much money he is spending on these activities. You can get a percentage of that back, if not all of it.
That is the thing. I am a part of our finaces and his paychecks are actually direct deposited now, because he was spending a ton of money on these things in the past, I made that a provision of coming home. There are a lot of free sites though. Regarding the VM pin. I have it for his cell phone but not his work phone. Any suggestions on that one? thanks for the understanding.
Location: Life here is not an Apollo Mission. Everyone calm down.
1,065 posts, read 4,536,860 times
Reputation: 999
Quote:
Originally Posted by rdy4agetaway
That is the thing. I am a part of our finaces and his paychecks are actually direct deposited now, because he was spending a ton of money on these things in the past, I made that a provision of coming home. There are a lot of free sites though. Regarding the VM pin. I have it for his cell phone but not his work phone. Any suggestions on that one? thanks for the understanding.
Credit cards with statements mailed to work or a p.o. box....
and I completely understand. My experiences like this are the EXACT reason I frequent City-Data relationships.
Oh, I see. When you said "he never wanted to" in parenthesis, I thought you meant he never wanted to stop having sex. I now see you meant that he never wanted to have sex. Thanks for the clarification.
You are right about the "overwhelming majority" thing. I find it disgusting and degrading. Regarding a physical problem, No he masturbates just fine and so we can rule that one out. Secondly he does have an interest in sex, just not with me, thirdly I have talked with him about this for 4 years and am exhausted with the lies and excuses. Regarding not having any proof, that is right now. what do you think about my daughter finding a condom in his wallet while getting lunch money out and asking me what it was. (just for the record, we have NEVER used them.) His excuse was that he had it just in case. I am not going to continue to try and justify how I feel about this. Anyone in or ever has been in my shoes knows how much it hurts and how overwhelmingly confusing it is. As someone mentioned before. Fantasies are hard to compete with.
I have never been in your shoes and I do feel for you. But with all that you have shared on this thread, why are still with him? I know you love him and have 3 kids but it's obvious you are miserable and spiraling downward with each new thing you find. Your daughter finding the condom should have been a big flashing light. Instead of worrying about spying, take your kids and go. I'm not trying to be flip. It's obvious your marriage is not all it should be. He can be a wonderful father without being your husband. Sex is not the most important thing in a marriage but it is a very big part of keeping the intimacy between two people. Why would you want to live like this? I'll be thinking of you and I really do wish you well. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. But since you asked for advice, mine is to get out and start over.
yes was married. no he refused to go to counseling. even if he did, i know that the rate of success for this kind of addiction is probably worse than alcoholism and any chemical dependency...and probably the same as the rate of success for sex offender rehabilitation.
no we didnt have kids. thank God.
Quote:
Originally Posted by rdy4agetaway
Were you married to him? Children? Did he go to counseling? I would love to talk with you more about your own experience. You can reply personally if you want. Thanks
Yes, I would try talking to him about it and asking him point blank. Yes, he may lie, but often people will admit something when directly confronted.
I think before installing some type of keylogger, you should check on the legality of that in your state just to be safe.
Hope it works out for you two.
I highly doubt that if you are going to install something on your own computer at home, you are going to go out of your way to check with authorities to see if something's legal. It's in your own home!!!
Oh wow, I'm so sorry for what you have to go through.
First and foremost, make sure you take care of yourself and your kids. When you can, *do* try and get back to counseling on a regular basis. Venting here does help, but it can't compare to what you would get from a qualified professional that you trust.
And, I'm really not trying to rehash what has been said so coarsely before, but I do have to ask, what would you get from looking at what he's doing online that you don't already have? To go back to my first comment....*this* is where a good therapist would help you out. Merely from what you have said here, the evidence is there, and is damning. You just need to get to a point, in your own mind, where you can accept it and do what you need to do to protect yourself and your kids.
Of course, it's confusing. To deal with someone who has his cake and wants to eat it too? Who wouldn't be confused?
I wish you the best, and hope that you are able to find something in yourself that will enable you to accept this and move on with your life. Focus on YOU now, and figure it out from your standpoint. I think you know what you have to do....and I wish you all the strength in the world to do it.
What benefit would you get from spying on the guy?
You have already split once and don't have any sex life so it should be obvious that the relationship isn't working.
Leave the poor guy alone, he obviously has some issues to work out and you are only making it harder for him.
Get on with your life and find somebody else to spy on.
I don't think this is a very fair assessment of this woman's situation. I am not married yet...but I can imagine that making the decision to end a marriage is not as simple as you seem think it is....especially one that involves children.
I don't blame her for taking the effort to find out what the issue is...getting to the root of it could actually provide her with some insight on how to help him and possibly even repair the relationship....Good Luck to you Girl!
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I'll be thinking of you and I really do wish you well. I can't imagine how difficult this is for you. But since you asked for advice, mine is to get out and start over. 
