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At my last three jobs I've gotten romantically involved with co-workers. Each time I dated these co-workers it impacted my career. In the first position, it didn't hurt my career too much because I ended up moving out of state before word got out to my boss that I was dating him, but it made things uncomfortable because the rest of the co-workers knew we were dating and I felt self-conscious and awkward which impacted how well I did my job because he would do inappropriate things like stand to close to my a**, or pick me up and hug me in front of the building, just stuff that he shouldn't have been doing. Plus I had literally just left my ex a couple of months before, and I wasn't really ready to date. I started feeling uncomfortable anytime we worked together because of the obviousness that we were dating and how unprofessional he acted and how unprofessional it made me look as a result.
The second job, I was working with a group of females. A new guy started that everyone liked, because he was really attractive and had nice body. I did not necessarily like him for those reasons--he just got too much attention and I wasn't interested in trying to compete for him. But he was interested in me, and after the first day asked for my number, would eat lunch with me, would wait for me and hang out with me after work, etc. There were other things happening as well--that are irrelevant I guess in the grand scheme of things but at the time, there were two other male co-workers that I was friends with that I knew liked me and I would let them help me with the job because they offered so I already was rubbing some of my co-workers the wrong way(but I didn't realize I was until it was too late). Anyways I ended up having to quit that position because one of the girls that really liked the new guy told my boss the negative things I said when I would vent about the company to her(she was venting too!) The boss called me on it and I quit.
The last position, was my most recent position, and as most of you know from previous threads, that was when I ended up dating a guy off and on, had a relationship that was short-lived, etc, and the whole situation was unprofessional and ended up getting messy because my boss liked the guy and there was another girl that started liking him too... He told that my boss would talk crap about me to him(the fact that I was a single mom). On top of that later on he admitted that everyone including the department supervisor knew we were hooking up(that was his term even though that time we weren't even hooking up!!!) and the supervisor would talk to him about me. He had told everyone we were dating and made it obvious. And never told me, until right when I started school almost a year later. It was no wonder that every promotion I applied for was rejected until I got moved into a different department and had a different boss and supervisor and was actually able to move up twice with no problem.
Those situations led me to conclude that I wasn't going to date anyone that I worked with anymore.
I started a new job at a really good company(again lol) last week that relates to the graduate degree I'm pursuing. The job was a blessing--I'm finally doing what I want to career-wise and the salary is great. The boss and I get along really well so far since we both are moms with sons that are the same age. And I have a positive vibe about the company. I want to stay here longer than a couple of years--I want this to be a permanent place.
The company is pretty big(well-known company all over the US) a lot of couples met at the job and are married and even have kids. It isn't frowned upon to date other co-workers(I'm guessing).
Anyway the second day I started, my boss was walking around with me and there was this guy that kept staring at me. I ignored him and then the next day he was following me and asked me if I was "new", etc. It was very obvious that he was interested and it was awkward for me because I was lost(the building is huge) and didn't feel like talking to him. After he told me where to go, I thanked him and that was that. The next day he tried to talk with me about it and I was really short with him and not friendly at all, and figured that he would get the point. But since then whenever I see him I catch him just staring at me. Yesterday I was walking with my boss and he was leaning on a table and another guy(I guess co-worker of his) said "is that her?" and I pretended like I didn't notice them staring at me, but I did, and I found myself feeling self-conscious. And my boss asked me what was wrong(she didn't pay attention or notice it) because she could tell that I was acting strangely.
There's also an additional problem with the cooking staff. I went to the cafeteria(the company has one) with my boss and she went to one area to look at food, and I was just looking around since it was my first time in there trying to figure out what to eat. I looked up at noticed a couple of the cooking staff whispering and looking in my direction and then they started flirting with me. It was so awkward and out of place--that I ended up just leaving and not even getting anything to eat.
Yesterday I was getting ready to go to the bathroom and as I was going, the cooks/cleaning staff(they have the same uniforms) saw me and they all stopped and stared at me and they all said "d***" and started talking about my a**. I ended up turning back around and not going to the bathroom. I don't want to have to avoid doing things or act strange with my boss because of other co-workers but I don't what else to do. Have any of you dealt with this before, how do you deal with it? I've tried just ignoring them but it's honestly uncomfortable and I feel awkward.
In terms of the guy that I mentioned that is interested, he's kind of attractive to me, I don't want to date him right now since I just started the position, but if I did decide to give him a chance later on, is there way to go about it the right way as to not hurt my position? In the meantime should I just avoid him?
Location: RI, MA, VT, WI, IL, CA, IN (that one sucked), KY
41,937 posts, read 36,943,649 times
Reputation: 40635
No no and more no
Non fraternization policies exist for a good reason, and the reason IS NOT just about the two people involved in them. They will and do impact others, and the company, even if the people involved keep the relationship outside of the workplace.
Just say no, its a big world, no reason to date someone at work. Keep it professional.
You just outlined past office flings that didn't work out and yet you're asking whether or not to try it again? No, you shouldn't. Keep work and private life separate.
Do you know what insanity is? It's when you continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. You're starting to fit this description.
Generally not a good idea. Very few people are capable of keeping their after-hours relationship with a co-worker to themselves. I've seen a few good situations come out of it, but they were invariably the relationships that absolutely no one at work knew about until they had been together for quite some time.
Also, I'm noticing a pattern that this seems to happen with you at new jobs. Any time a new person comes aboard they are a novelty, even more so when that person is decently attractive. Naturally, people are drawn to novelty, and of course it's flattering to be on the receiving end. Don't fall for that ****.
It's a very uncomfortable feeling, and I imagine it is 10xs worse when work is involved. Based on your past experiences you need to just ignore these guys and focus on work only. I know that is pretty cut and dry and the obvious solution, but when you look at it realistically; that's really all you can do.
As for the coworker you are attracted to, you can tell him what you just told us, or continue to ignore him. I doubt he is going to wait around until you feel comfortable to date him. Personally I just wouldn't do it, but I am a bit more aloof when it comes to dating and romance anyway. I also agree with Ms.Mathlete...people are drawn to "fresh meat." It'll wear off eventually.
There's too much drama. Way too much. There's a pattern that's going to bite you hard somewhere down the line.
What if you loose this job (like you can close to a couple times) as a direct result of your workplace relationship? You have children to support, yes? No relationship is worth jeopardizing that.
What if you guys have a messy breakup, but still have to work closely together? Can you imagine how awkward that would be?
Take time, settle into your job first. That should be your priority right now. Resist feeling flattered that you're the center of attention. After several months (once the 'new girl' shine has worn off) maybe you can re evaluate. Keep things professional right now. No sly flirting, no innuendo, nothing.
Talk to your boss about the cafeteria staff, because that's not ok.
Maybe you should find someone outside of work, because the stakes are so much lower and you're not messing with your livelihood.
Do you know what insanity is? It's when you continue to do the same thing over and over again and expect different results. You're starting to fit this description.
Yep!
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