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Michelle, I'm sorry to start this way, but I think that you owed your two children a better choice of partner. I find it very selfish and irresponsible that you had a child with someone who doesn't like being around them.
If you didn't have a child with this man, I'd tell you to leave, but since you do, I think that you should try to work on the relationship with him, and your priority should be that your three children (and his) feel comfortable in their home and with their parents. Romance is secondary, but if your relationship with him improves, it could also help the family bond. You need your partner for this though and you need to express that you appreciate what you two have but also that need more of this relationship. Hopefully, he'll be able to overcome his frustrations and do the best for the family, but if you find that he doesn't have the personal resources or he isn't willing to make the effort, do you have the means to become a free woman again that could offer her children the basic comfort they need to have a healthy upbringing? If you do, don't hesitate to give your children the chance of growing up without having to put up with a man who simply tolerates them. That is not the right family environment for two innocent kids if you want them to become happy healthy adults one day. You owe it to them before you owe to yourself anything else, romance, new partner, etc. First things first. Good luck!Fourth
You mentioned something about him insisting to drive in two cars. Could this be because one car is not beig enough for his children and yours and the baby, or he prefers to drive with this children while you drive with yours?
Our relationship seemed perfect when we found out I was pregnant. We were always together and doing things with the kids. Things started changing within a few months and got progressively worse. I kept bringing up myissue about time spent together and around my fifth month he admitted that he could only be around my kids "in small doses". He also said that he didn't love me rather appreciated me. I cried many nights for the remainder of my pregnancy and after her birth mad at myself for going through with it now knowing that he wasnt ready for us to be a family and I was having a child for a man that didn't love me. So on that note I understand what you were saying.
However, he is a positive figure in my childrens lives and does include them in activities with his kids even when he doesnt include me. He does not make them feel like outcasts or any different from his own. Of course there are things that they will never know (like attending a gymnastics meet wasnt important to him) but always makes them feel important. And my kids adore him.
I am not afraid to go it alone and i have had thia conversation with him. I have askes why he stays if he doesnt "like" my kids. He says he thinks we can work. I do think the relationship is salvagable but only if he too is willing to adjust. I dont think he truly understands what it takes to have a lasting relationship - that i should always just go with the flow and that the things that bother me shouldnt.
His excuse for transportation usually boils down to space but I beg to differ in that it boils down to the fact that I have my own transportation. He drives a van and always has a truckload of kids in the back. He also has no problem transporting his kids and godchildrens mothers around along with their babies. Actually one of his excuses at one point regarding our time spent together was that I am independent. While I think that should be a positive thing, I feel like it is a negative because it is one of the things that keeps him so close to his other kids mothers.
Am I wrong for getting upset with my boyfriend for not spending time with me? I feel that he is always away from home - be it at work, with his kids or with his friends - in that order. If he comes home early he's usually just goes sleep. He always falls asleep on the couch and doesn't come to bed until 4 in the morning. If I want to do something there is always something he needs to do, but if he has his kids or wants to do something with them he finds the time (which of course is admirable in itself).
I really just wish he would squeeze me in - hey babe let's do this or even let's take the kids do this. If he does have his kids and he wants to work, I would take them. When we do do family stuff he always wants to travel in separate vehicles. He doesn't understand why I want to travel with him.
I let things slide because we are always having the same conversation around this. But then some things happen that make me really upset. He thinks i am acting like a freak but I just feel ostracized.
I dont know what else i can do. People tell me i cant have it all. I have to compromise. But i feel like having a family that acts like a family is all i want and aceepting his behaviour is settling. I am at the point where i thinkni should just let it go because i am not happy and i feel that he isnt either. But then people say he has made big steps and he wouldnt have made them if he didnt want to be with me.
You dont see huge waving red flags with the bolded? If a friend told you this about her relationship, what would you tell her?
This guy is not your boyfriend. He's a roommate.
Edited to say, after reading your latest post, you need to prepare yourself for when he does meet someone and fall in love, he will leave you.
Our relationship seemed perfect when we found out I was pregnant. We were always together and doing things with the kids. Things started changing within a few months and got progressively worse. I kept bringing up myissue about time spent together and around my fifth month he admitted that he could only be around my kids "in small doses". He also said that he didn't love me rather appreciated me. I cried many nights for the remainder of my pregnancy and after her birth mad at myself for going through with it now knowing that he wasnt ready for us to be a family and I was having a child for a man that didn't love me. So on that note I understand what you were saying.
However, he is a positive figure in my childrens lives and does include them in activities with his kids even when he doesnt include me. He does not make them feel like outcasts or any different from his own. Of course there are things that they will never know (like attending a gymnastics meet wasnt important to him) but always makes them feel important. And my kids adore him.
I am not afraid to go it alone and i have had thia conversation with him. I have askes why he stays if he doesnt "like" my kids. He says he thinks we can work. I do think the relationship is salvagable but only if he too is willing to adjust. I dont think he truly understands what it takes to have a lasting relationship - that i should always just go with the flow and that the things that bother me shouldnt.
His excuse for transportation usually boils down to space but I beg to differ in that it boils down to the fact that I have my own transportation. He drives a van and always has a truckload of kids in the back. He also has no problem transporting his kids and godchildrens mothers around along with their babies. Actually one of his excuses at one point regarding our time spent together was that I am independent. While I think that should be a positive thing, I feel like it is a negative because it is one of the things that keeps him so close to his other kids mothers.
Our relationship seemed perfect when we found out I was pregnant. We were always together and doing things with the kids. Things started changing within a few months and got progressively worse. I kept bringing up myissue about time spent together and around my fifth month he admitted that he could only be around my kids "in small doses". He also said that he didn't love me rather appreciated me. I cried many nights for the remainder of my pregnancy and after her birth mad at myself for going through with it now knowing that he wasnt ready for us to be a family and I was having a child for a man that didn't love me. So on that note I understand what you were saying.
However, he is a positive figure in my childrens lives and does include them in activities with his kids even when he doesnt include me. He does not make them feel like outcasts or any different from his own. Of course there are things that they will never know (like attending a gymnastics meet wasnt important to him) but always makes them feel important. And my kids adore him.
I am not afraid to go it alone and i have had thia conversation with him. I have askes why he stays if he doesnt "like" my kids. He says he thinks we can work. I do think the relationship is salvagable but only if he too is willing to adjust. I dont think he truly understands what it takes to have a lasting relationship - that i should always just go with the flow and that the things that bother me shouldnt.
His excuse for transportation usually boils down to space but I beg to differ in that it boils down to the fact that I have my own transportation. He drives a van and always has a truckload of kids in the back. He also has no problem transporting his kids and godchildrens mothers around along with their babies. Actually one of his excuses at one point regarding our time spent together was that I am independent. While I think that should be a positive thing, I feel like it is a negative because it is one of the things that keeps him so close to his other kids mothers.
Thank you for your reply, Michelle.
Chances are that you hurried in this relationship and things got serious before you could really know how your partner feels towards or would deal with certain situations, or you were choosing to ignore certain red flags that were already there because you were in the honey moon period when we tend to believe that things can only get better and we're sure that they will. Unfortunately, most of the times they don't, quite the contrary, people can't keep their charming mask for too long and pretty soon they start showing their real feelings and personalities. The fact that you allowed these things to occur when he had two children with two different women already and didn't give yourself more time before starting a new family with him that also includes a major change for your two kids, shows that your eagerness for a relationship can cause you and them some problems.
A man who can only be with your children ''in small doses'' is not the right partner for you and never will be and there is no way two children can ''adore'' someone who isn't their biological parent and feels like that towards them, unless you believe in fairy tales.
My advice for you would be to give a bit more time to this relationship and if your partner supports you and things get better, keep being a part of it, but if they don't, and you have the economical possibilities, you should offer your children the possibility to grow with dignity. A childhood with one parent who really loves their children, even if more modest, less holidays and activities maybe, is a hundred times better than one in which they have to interact on a daily basis with someone who doesn't love them and feels obliged to share his life with them.
Personally, I doubt things will get better. People in situations like that tend to get more distant and frustrated if anything. If that happens, don't be afraid to be on your own again and give your children and yourself a few years to live peacefully, enjoying your time as a family, assimilating all these changes, without bringing someone new and more tensions and forced adaptation in your life and theirs. There's no short term or long term romance that is worth the price.
Last edited by BlazingStars; 06-21-2015 at 03:55 PM..
The bottom line is rather harsh, you're just not a priority to him.... just taking your post on face value, as we don't know what his side is.
That being said, if you aren't happy I'm not really sure what you can do about it, if you've made it known and he doesn't do anything at all to make an improvement... not a lot to say about it.
Am I wrong for getting upset with my boyfriend for not spending time with me? I feel that he is always away from home - be it at work, with his kids or with his friends - in that order. If he comes home early he's usually just goes sleep. He always falls asleep on the couch and doesn't come to bed until 4 in the morning. If I want to do something there is always something he needs to do, but if he has his kids or wants to do something with them he finds the time (which of course is admirable in itself).
I really just wish he would squeeze me in - hey babe let's do this or even let's take the kids do this. If he does have his kids and he wants to work, I would take them. When we do do family stuff he always wants to travel in separate vehicles. He doesn't understand why I want to travel with him.
I let things slide because we are always having the same conversation around this. But then some things happen that make me really upset. He thinks i am acting like a freak but I just feel ostracized.
I dont know what else i can do. People tell me i cant have it all. I have to compromise. But i feel like having a family that acts like a family is all i want and aceepting his behaviour is settling. I am at the point where i thinkni should just let it go because i am not happy and i feel that he isnt either. But then people say he has made big steps and he wouldnt have made them if he didnt want to be with me.
That's seriously weird, OP. The whole thing sounds like he's not that into you. Not into sleeping with you (prefers the couch), not into driving in the car with you, spending weekend time with you--where is the relationship? What is it about this that qualifies it as a relationship?
Am I wrong for getting upset with my boyfriend for not spending time with me? I feel that he is always away from home - be it at work, with his kids or with his friends - in that order. If he comes home early he's usually just goes sleep. He always falls asleep on the couch and doesn't come to bed until 4 in the morning. If I want to do something there is always something he needs to do, but if he has his kids or wants to do something with them he finds the time (which of course is admirable in itself).
I really just wish he would squeeze me in - hey babe let's do this or even let's take the kids do this. If he does have his kids and he wants to work, I would take them. When we do do family stuff he always wants to travel in separate vehicles. He doesn't understand why I want to travel with him.
I let things slide because we are always having the same conversation around this. But then some things happen that make me really upset. He thinks i am acting like a freak but I just feel ostracized.
I dont know what else i can do. People tell me i cant have it all. I have to compromise. But i feel like having a family that acts like a family is all i want and aceepting his behaviour is settling. I am at the point where i thinkni should just let it go because i am not happy and i feel that he isnt either. But then people say he has made big steps and he wouldnt have made them if he didnt want to be with me.
So you are not married.
You have a child together.
He has children with someone else and when he has visitation he goes to work and you babysit his kids.
When he does spend time with his kids he does not include you.
He does not travel in the same vehicle with you.
I don't really see a problem with any of this situation at all unless of course you really do not like being treated like leftovers that have gone bad and have to be tossed out.
If you cannot figure your life out on your own you have no business in a non existant relationship, it sounds like you have a roommate not a partner.
So you are not married.
You have a child together.
He has children with someone else and when he has visitation he goes to work and you babysit his kids.
When he does spend time with his kids he does not include you.
He does not travel in the same vehicle with you.
I don't really see a problem with any of this situation at all unless of course you really do not like being treated like leftovers that have gone bad and have to be tossed out.
If you cannot figure your life out on your own you have no business in a non existant relationship, it sounds like you have a roommate not a partner.
No. When he has his kids he has his kids. He takes them to their activities and spends his time away from worm with them. He does not have a visitation arrangement. He does the most for them. They just sleep at their mothers house basically. I do not want to paint the picture that he is a bad father because he is not. He works for himself and if there is a job he needs to complete yes he would ask me to have them or transport them where they need to go. And there is nothing wrong with that.
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