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Old 06-25-2015, 08:00 PM
 
Location: Endless Concert
1,764 posts, read 1,656,740 times
Reputation: 3522

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Quote:
Originally Posted by keraT View Post
I don't have any plans because I am waiting to make plans with him except he only has 1 plan, which is around his salary. So now we are stuck without any plans.

I have personal plan like exercise more, be more healthy, be more efficient, eat healthy but those are the type of plans that repeat every year. I want to talk about the big picture couple plans about family, house, and retirement.

Hope this makes things clear


Well you don't need to make things clear to me.

You wanting to make big picture plans and your husband doesn't mean you have different plans. He's not making plans - is his plan.

You and you're husband sound like you need to be clear with each other.

You are waiting to make plans - Now we are stuck without any plans. Listen to this !

Again, you two have two different plans, agenda, goals, paths, etc. Whatever you want to call it, you're not on the same page and going in the same direction. Hope that is clear

Just make sure you don't spend a lifetime waiting . . .
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Old 06-25-2015, 08:10 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
101,973 posts, read 106,470,034 times
Reputation: 115589
Quote:
Originally Posted by keraT View Post

That's ridiculous advice, do people really get divorce because their goals don't align
It's one of the top two reasons for divorce. The other is sexual incompatibility.
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Old 06-25-2015, 08:16 PM
 
38 posts, read 44,737 times
Reputation: 33
I would see this as a huge red flag that your husband has a plan for his future, but not for a future together with you. He is saying what his plan is, him and he's not including you as a couple at this point. At over 5 years together I would hope you would at least have a rough timeline of your future together and not just when he thinks he is or when going to figure he's satisfied where he's at.
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Old 06-25-2015, 08:18 PM
 
16,235 posts, read 25,019,210 times
Reputation: 27046
Quote:
Originally Posted by keraT View Post
I don't have any plans because I am waiting to make plans with him except he only has 1 plan, which is around his salary. So now we are stuck without any plans.

I have personal plan like exercise more, be more healthy, be more efficient, eat healthy but those are the type of plans that repeat every year. I want to talk about the big picture couple plans about family, house, and retirement.

Hope this makes things clear
Ok, I get you. You are a planner, a worrier and you also cannot start planning until you know what the big picture may look like. But, you are married to someone who is focused in the here and now, and is a bit stuck because he is not yet happy where he is. He may even be in a survival mode...because of his unhappiness....So, he cannot see beyond that fear right now.

I think what you'll need to do is go slower....I know it may be tough, but otherwise you are probably leaving him standing there with a lump in his throat cause he can't get past what he faces today...not feeling like he makes enough right now.....and worried he may never be able to give you what you want.

You'll have to back off, don't voice your concerns for awhile....give him some breathing space...Ask him how you can help him meet his goals...talk to him about those things he is worrying about. Try to make things lighter conversationally, spend time in the here and now.

Do not fight about the future...Be present with him, now. After you do that for some weeks...I predict that he will feel more able to open up to you.

You've just hit a slump....And, I get a sense that you get excited, and want to talk a lot and dream out loud...and he likely is quieter, more reflective......We noisy folks really do a number on quiet folk...

I used to be married to someone like him....it was often boring for me...and it was a struggle for both of us to get our needs met.

But, I think if you are able to have an honest conversation, no pressure...sometime when you can share with him why you feel the need to plan...and let him share with you his fears and concerns about his job etc....Maybe you can both come to a better understanding, and then better meet each others personal needs.

Do some research on the difference in male and female communication...it is eye opening and could possibly give you some insight....maybe just tweak your approach.

This thread is a good indicator....lots of folks took an instant dislike because you came across initially one way.....But, I give you props, you took the time to try to clarify, instead of firing back....A refreshing change. And, a real positive for a couple...that you can regroup, and rephrase and not take issue...it will help you in the long run.
Wishing you well...

Last edited by JanND; 06-25-2015 at 08:36 PM..
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Old 06-25-2015, 09:03 PM
 
Location: Endless Concert
1,764 posts, read 1,656,740 times
Reputation: 3522
OP - I wanted to add - You said, Now we're stuck without any plans. Remember you're still an individual, you don't have to be stuck. The only one that is stuck here is you.
Sounds like your husband doesn't feel that way because things are the way he wants it. I'm sure he doesn't feel stuck. Again it's the same page thing.

Think about working with a couples counselor and seeing if there is a realistic timeline for kids, house, etc. Does he even want kids ? Get real with your situation and look at what "is" not what you're wishing it might be all by - yourself.

I've seen this happen with couples, they want different things.
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Old 06-25-2015, 09:56 PM
 
780 posts, read 672,880 times
Reputation: 886
I'm a planner at heart. The moment an idea hits, it doesn't matter if it's a year, two years from now, I will start planning. Sometimes I ask people for advice on what to do and they'll say I plan too far ahead, I need to calm down.

My husband on the other hand is like yours, he can only do one thing at a time. I've known about it before I married him. Actually, he told me that's how he is and asked me if I can handle that. He's a "one project at a time" type of guy. By that I mean, don't even ask him what to have for dinner if he's studying for a test. He can only focus on one thing at a time, but he excels on that one thing. I can understand the frustration you go through, when you can't plan because you have all these things you want to do and he's just so stuck on his one goal.

You need to calm down. Ask him what you can do to help him and if he says nothing, then leave it. Give him space. Maybe you can ask him for a timeline. For example, when does he see himself get to where he is at? 1 year, 2 years? I don't think that's being naggy. I think that's how you should set a goal anyways, give it a timeline so you can have a tangible measurement on how you are doing. An example for mine, I'll say, in a year, I want to be able to put $10 away. If a year from now, I didn't reach that $10, then I know I failed and I'll have to evaluate what I did. Same goes for him, maybe that will help the both of you with some sort of planning.

Maybe that could be something that could put the two of you on the same page, how to get him to "catch up" to you.
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Old 06-25-2015, 11:02 PM
 
287 posts, read 235,040 times
Reputation: 651
OP I think I know what your husband is saying. I believe what is going on with him is he is feeling emasculated.

He doesn't have the money for a down payment. But you do. He doesn't make the type of money he feels he needs to to take care of you and a family. But, you do. He promised to provide for you and take care of you, and he doesn't feel he is living up to that promise.

You ask him about houses in good school districts. He has no idea, it probably has never occurred to him, but it did remind him he will one day have to take care of multiple people not just you...even more fear. Not scary movie fear but fear he won't/can't do it.

So he does what a lot of us do. He avoids it. He ignores it. He isn't ready to face it, so into the sand his head goes.

I think one thing you can do is to ask or figure out on your own how to help him reach his goal of a bigger and better paycheck. Is he done with school? Are there classes he can take to move ahead. Does his job offer training? Can you and him go out to dinner with a boss at his work and their spouse to start networking? These things will make him feel more confident in going after the promotions and ultimately make him feel the confidence to start looking at making plans to tackle some of the other issues you mentioned in your OP.
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Old 06-25-2015, 11:16 PM
 
Location: NYC
16,061 posts, read 26,584,065 times
Reputation: 24847
OP I understand where you're coming from I should've discussed this before you were married. Why you would think it is the time to discuss it while you're a year into your marriage is a bit late.

Instead take a step back and let him know you love him and you want to work with us you can both meet your goals and leave it at that for now. Be his support.
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Old 06-25-2015, 11:21 PM
 
48,505 posts, read 96,335,986 times
Reputation: 18294
Why did you think he would change after marriage in first place is my question. There are all types in this world.
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Old 06-26-2015, 02:05 PM
 
2,606 posts, read 2,672,610 times
Reputation: 3550
Quote:
Originally Posted by JanND View Post

You've just hit a slump....And, I get a sense that you get excited, and want to talk a lot and dream out loud...and he likely is quieter, more reflective......We noisy folks really do a number on quiet folk...

But, I give you props, you took the time to try to clarify, instead of firing back....A refreshing change. And, a real positive for a couple...that you can regroup, and rephrase and not take issue...it will help you in the long run.
Wishing you well...
Thanks JanNd for the kind word and well wish. You are exactly on point about me being excited and planning out loud & him being quiet and reflective. This leaves me with yarning need to talk (ex. I am here talking to you girls/guys because I can't have enough conversation with him). AS others have mentioned, the more I talk the more he wants to hide. WE had this issue before marriage but I still loved him & figure I will keep my friends/family close for my "conversation/discussion" need. After all spouse don't need to fulfill every aspect of other spouse life. Its just really hard to remind myself to go with the flow instead of what comes naturally to me.

You are right, I do find myself bored time to time due to lack of project/direct & that is why I keep myself pre-occupied with friends/family life event, planning for them/planning with them.

Quote:
Originally Posted by aliwalas View Post
He's a "one project at a time" type of guy.
Maybe that could be something that could put the two of you on the same page, how to get him to "catch up" to you.
He is not just "one project at a time" guy, he is always a perfectionist. Where as I am happy with 80% achievement & ready to move on to the next project. On top of that he didn't have parents present growing up & so he doesn't take advice from others well. He has been working on his salary every since I met him, he made some improvement in 5 years but it is going very slow because he is stubborn in his way too. AT first he refuse to take any job that wasn't perfect fit. Now he is waiting for big break without actually doing anything different.

I do believe we are in the same book (our ultimate goals are similar: death :s) but our pace and the page we are on currently are very different & will be different for while.
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