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and how will she ever know if they are truly friends...and how is her boyfriend/husband supposed to feel knowing she has male friends, who ARE friends, but want to and would sex her if they could??
Sure a man who wants to sex a friend CAN be a real friend and be there for you, doesn't mean they are ONLY there for future possible sex...but do you expect a SO to put up with her hanging out with the guy all the time, texting her at all hours of the night...maybe she would NEVER slip up, but with the opportunity always there, do you want to have that in the back of your mind??
me neither...and I would never put s woman I loved through that either...and why put myself in a situation of constant temptation or possible infidelity...a HUGE part of staying faithful is NOT putting yourself in bad situations...unless I am feeding my ego or keeping other options within close reach
you forgot misogynist as well...if you don't agree attach an ist to them...works every time...
Im not talking about boys and girls in a social group who have known each other for a while, got into the group via someone already in the group...young people seem to date this way...
Im talking about a dude she met at work and 2 months later he hung the moon, but they are just friends...honestly tell me what you think his intentions are??
Yes we cant POSSIBLY KNOW....but if we based every course of action on things we KNOW, we wouldn't do squat...we base our course of direction on knowledge, EXPERIENCE (wisdom)and a whole lot of educated guessing...I think its pretty safe to say most women who have a male best friend who is straight, if they haven't hooked up already, he SO would if she gave him the SLIGHTEST inclination...
now what ist am I??
genderist sounds cool
You speak too much common sense for the C-D crowd. I tried to rep you but I couldn't since I already did so for your previous post.
For everyone else, yes I believe this friendship is completely innocent.
Well, with out more info - I would say that this new guy is actually just interested in her. I would also say that he's not her best friend if they've only known each other for a couple of months. Working with someone can lead to friendships and I don't think it's unusual for coworkers to be close friends - but this does sound like it's a bit much. But we also don't know if this is how she is with all of her friends. Is she texting and chatting with all of her friends all the time? Is she a social butterfly? She's only 22. She might be more into texting and hanging out with her friends than focusing on a serious relationship.
There are a lot of theories one could float -- dude sounds either co-dependent or closeted to me -- but the course of action is pretty straightforward. You need to tell her it makes you uncomfortable that she's always talking to and about this other guy. Believe it or not, women find a little jealousy kind of attractive. They kind of expect it from us. They don't like the smothering kind of jealousy, but a little of the "I'm the number one guy in your life" attitude is appreciated.
So, I would say you just need to be upfront with her. To be honest if she's always working this dude's name into your conversations she's treating you like a male girlfriend as well. Most guys don't want to spend too much time talking about "friends of friends" in any context with their girlfriends.
I will say, just to keep some perspective, that you're probably kidding yourself if you expect this chick to be a mature girlfriend at 22. It's almost a little unfair to her at her age. If I were you, have your fun with her, but don't expect to make a real, honest woman out of her. She deserves to have her fun. This sort of thing wouldn't be an issue with a woman around your own age.
I don't think it's the things you share "in common" that you need to be aware of in M/F relationships. It's what you don't share with the opposite sex...
We all put up walls to hide ourselves from being hurt. You have to decide if the people you are involving in your life are worth the influence they have on you.
This is what it really comes down too.
As for the OP, don't ignore your feelings. Examine why this situation bothers you and don't allow others to tell you what you are feeling is wrong.
Don't buy this modern nonsense about women and men can be friends.
It is neither modern - nor nonsense. Men and women can - and have - been friends over and over again throughout the generations. Perhaps you personally are incapable of it - and that is fine too - but that lack on your part does not modify reality.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky2balive
men are friends with women because they want to bang them, their friends, or have banged them and want to again
Speak for yourself. You neither speak for me - or any of the males I know. Perhaps it is a position you share with the kind of person who thinks of - and describes - the sexual act as "banging" someone.
I see people as an end in themselves - not as a means to an end - let alone a sexual one. If you do - that's fine - but do not justify it to yourself by simply imagining we are all like you. We are not.
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky2balive
men and women just don't have that much in common, sorry...
Again speaking for yourself here and no one else in my experience - least of all me.
It is neither modern - nor nonsense. Men and women can - and have - been friends over and over again throughout the generations. Perhaps you personally are incapable of it - and that is fine too - but that lack on your part does not modify reality
I can admit, my ultra high testosterone level has unable me to replicate the type of friendship I can have with my female friends vs male friends. Sure, I have restraint and respect, but it's nearly impossible for me to be close to a female I'm slightly attracted to without my male biological urges interfering in someway. Can we be called friends? Sure, I guess.
I'm not the jealous type, but the OP's situation would bother the **** out of me. After two months they're already inseparable "best friends" and she's giving him all of that attention and affection? Nope, not cool. Some women get their jollies by having other guys into them when they are in a relationship, and that sounds like what could be brewing here.
I want to say thanks to everyone who posted here. There were some differing opinions, but on the whole everyone seemed to agree that there was something off about the situation as I first thought. I brought it up to her in the most sensitive way possible. I used bits from everything everyone told me here - the fact that not even best friends text every day, the fact that hes having relationship issues, the fact that I'm a guy and that I would be seeking female attention too if I was lonely. all of that. It actually went really well. I was careful not to come off like I was telling her to do anything because that wouldn't have helped. I made it all completely her decision. I just laid out the situation for her - that he is a man having relationship problems who is most likely very lonely and seeking female attention. I let her know that she was starting something she didn't understand by giving him so much attention. I pretty much just put all of their actions in front of her from my perspective - the constant texting and face photos and saying i love you (even in a best friend sense).. and the glaring fact that she has mentioned him or been texted by him EVERY single time we have hung out together. She got upset at first, but I finished by telling her that I want her to have friends and I'd like to meet him sometime, and that the whole thing really isn't a big deal and I just wanted to let her know I was a bit uncomfortable. I told her that I only wanted her to lower the intensity of their relationship, not dissolve their relationship entirely. Then things smoothed out and I believe it really helped. The next day I was with her the entire day and he wasn't mentioned once and I didn't see them snapchatting or texting at all. The day after that we were hanging out together and he tried to call while we were watching a movie and she ignored the call. Today, same thing - no mention of the guy. She has been as caring and affectionate as ever. I have to say, I feel much much better. It was a good idea to talk about it, I just had to find the right way. I believe that she was just genuinely naive about the situation and what she was doing and needed some light brought to the siuation. Thanks for the help, everybody.
Last edited by psychicbanana; 07-02-2015 at 06:27 PM..
Reason: small change
Good job. Maybe she will dial it back from now on and be ok with that. Maybe she will try it for awhile then slide back into the previous mode. Or maybe she will just get better at hiding it from you. We'll see.
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