Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I'm read many threads in regards to people separating because of problems in the marriage. For those who have initiated a separation from your spouse, what did the separation mean to you, your intention for the separation and why. (i.e. separate with the intent to divorce, work to save the marriage, needing space to figure things out, etc.)
For those who have initiated separation and are still separated 6 months or more, what do you think is the reason you have not made any progress and do you think your marriage is still salvageable.
Thanks
Last edited by Av8torude; 06-30-2015 at 09:51 PM..
You're asking for a definition? 2 words: irreconcilable differences.
You and your spouse come to a point at which you no longer get along or love each other; as the old song goes, The thrill is gone.
For us, he had clearly checked out, and I wanted him to have the space to figure out what was really causing his unhappiness. It was also a way of affirming that we only need to stay married because we want to, not because we have to; separating was really just giving each other the freedom to be honest about getting out if one of us wanted to. The whole thing was quite civilized and we leaned a lot more about each other during that time.
Out of curiosity, were you the initiator or your spouse? How long were you separated before reconciling or did you divorce? Did you view your separation with the intent to work things out with the eventuality of getting back together sometime in the future?
I was the initiator. I didn't have a clear intent with the separation, other than for him to take a step back and decide if he still wanted to be married. I made peace with the possibility that he would ultimately want a divorce, so the main thing was making sure that if that were to happen, it would be on friendly terms: no courtroom battles, or bitterness, or child support shake-downs. Just two adults who can accept that their lives might be going in different directions, and wish each other well. We separated for 4 months before reconciling, which was about 5 years ago, after making necessary changes on both of our parts.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Av8torude
Ms Mathelte,
Out of curiosity, were you the initiator or your spouse? How long were you separated before reconciling or did you divorce? Did you view your separation with the intent to work things out with the eventuality of getting back together sometime in the future?
Did you get IC/Couples counseling or both of you works things out. Sorry for the 20 questions. I'm going through one now and I'm confused as to how to deal with this.
Honestly, I was resistant to counseling. Not because I have anything against it, but because I'm just not comfortable opening up and talking about such personal things. Especially because it would involve going into my back story with a complete stranger, which I had long since compartmentalized and absolutely do not want to revisit. I guess if it came down to it I would have went, but I really wanted to try and work it out between ourselves before going that route. He has a good support system, with trusted friends who helped him work through his end, so we took it from there. I did briefly get some counseling on my own after we reconciled, though.
Thank you Ms. Mathlete. I really appreciate your comments. It helps me somewhat to understand my own separation. I'm in counseling now, but my wife REFUSES to attend counseling for the similar reason you just stated. Not sure if it has something to do with her past or not. I understand my faults and see where there are deficiencies in her, hence the reason I'm going. But ask her, she thinks I need it more than she does...lol
Definitely get to the bottom of why she doesn't want to try marriage counseling. Some people avoid it for the reasons I did... but others refuse to go because they do not want to be accountable for their own role in the relationship issues, and cannot handle the idea that they may bear some fault, let alone having an objective third party call them out on it.
I'm not saying that my reasons for being resistant were particularly good ones, but I was forthcoming about it, and willing to participate as long as certain topics were completely off the table (again, not saying I'm right). Her refusing to go is a major concern, especially if you haven't been given a straight answer as to why.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
