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What was I suppose to do? If she had done something like say, sent me a text message every 12 hours then this would not have been a problem, but how the **** am I suppose to maintain a new full conversation with the same person every 12 hours? What am I suppose to talk about? I am not a woman, I don't know how to spend hours talking without actually saying anything like women can. I had no choice but to just tell her to not call this often. If she got hurt because of it and left then that's her fault for taking it so personally.
The idea is that you CARE about the person and WANT to talk to them. Most people who do this manage to find things to talk about. Your ... conditions ... prevent you from understanding that. If you cannot navigate simple human interaction like this ^^^, you will remain as you are today.
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Originally Posted by hakkarin
A simplification. You are correct that those things don't go away completely, but things like tourettes can mellow out in time and are thus often less serious in adults than in children. Aspergers won't ever go away, but once you have spent time learning all the accepted social norms it becomes much less of a problem. I would argue that many adults who blame their problems on aspergers are just lazy and can't actually be bothered to just learn and adapt. Only the ADHD is something that I think can only really be cured with meds.
Every word you write is proof that you have serious neurological disorders that are impeding your ability to interact with people and, admittedly, prohibit you from even holding a full-time job.
Did you REALLY come here to deny/negate/refute every piece of honest advice offered you??? If so, I'm out because your disabilities are beyond my skillset.
If you stop arguing with people who know what they are talking about, your life may change.
You don't outgrow either Tourette's, ADHD, or autism. All have neurological components. You may acclimate to them or develop coping strategies, but they are still there, and the behavior you describe indicates that these issues affect you more than you acknowledge. Therapy isn't for 'crazy people,' it had many uses. Your difficulty relating to and interacting with people, and your depression, could be addressed proactively. You could also get information on support and activity groups specifically for other young adults with Asperger's. The more social ops you have, the better.
Exactly. It's possible he's heard this stuff from other people and it's a sore spot for him.
OP, nobody's trying to give you a hard time. We all read your OP and saw how many times you mentioned Asperger's, Tourette's, and ADHD, bullying, depression, and isolation. We're adults trying to help you out. If you had it all figured out, you'd be drowning in vagina right now and telling us how its done. So, maybe don't be so defensive when asking for help?
A simplification. You are correct that those things don't go away completely, but things like tourettes can mellow out in time and are thus often less serious in adults than in children. Aspergers won't ever go away, but once you have spent time learning all the accepted social norms it becomes much less of a problem. I would argue that many adults who blame their problems on aspergers are just lazy and can't actually be bothered to just learn and adapt. Only the ADHD is something that I think can only really be cured with meds.
Very true that symptoms can become less disruptive with effort, time, and in some cases, medication.
But the fact that you are having difficulty having conversations with someone, say, 12 hours apart does indicate that you're possibly not where others are in regard to typical social behavior. If you're going to seriously date a person/form relationships, regular conversations are going to be the norm. Similarly, the attitude that "If my actions caused you to experience feelings of hurt, that's your problem, too bad you took it so personally," doesn't bode well for the formation of empathic relationships. Relationships require empathy, and "Hey, I don't want to talk to you regularly, but it's your fault for taking it so personally" doesn't indicate much empathy. Which is going to be a problem, and is also an indication that you aren't as far along with the internalizing of social skills as you may think.
I don't necessarily think that an inability/failure to adapt is a sign of laziness, since varying degrees of rigidity are very much a part of ASDs...it's much more realistic for some on the spectrum to learn and adapt well and quickly to rote social norms than others, some will always struggle more.
My skill set is actually pretty tailor-made for helping people address the difficulties you experience, but I will tell you right now that if you are resistant to entertaining any help and ideas others have to offer, and instead shut down and fall back on the idea that you know best, it's a moot point. Nobody can help you if you aren't willing to be helped.
Also, you speak of depression, which is an EXTREMELY HIGHLY COMORBID mental health condition for teens and adults with Asperger's Syndrome, and understandably so. If you don't address that, it will seriously hinder every other aspect of coping with things in your life, other disorders notwithstanding. You speak of frequent drinking, and I've noticed that you're active on the alcohol-related forum, as well, unless I'm mistaking you for someone else. If it's possible that you lean rather heavily on drinking, you may want to pay attention to that, because alcohol and depression aren't great partners.
Did you REALLY come here to deny/negate/refute every piece of honest advice offered you??? If so, I'm out because your disabilities are beyond my skillset.
I did not mean to offend you. I was simply questioning the idea that the best way to deal with my problems is by seeking paid help.
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Originally Posted by jdmil
Exactly. It's possible he's heard this stuff from other people and it's a sore spot for him.
OP, nobody's trying to give you a hard time. We all read your OP and saw how many times you mentioned Asperger's, Tourette's, and ADHD, bullying, depression, and isolation. We're adults trying to help you out. If you had it all figured out, you'd be drowning in vagina right now and telling us how its done. So, maybe don't be so defensive when asking for help?
I was never defensive, I just don't agree I need to seek paid help.
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Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
But the fact that you are having difficulty having conversations with someone, say, 12 hours apart does indicate that you're possibly not where others are in regard to typical social behavior. If you're going to seriously date a person/form relationships, regular conversations are going to be the norm. Similarly, the attitude that "If my actions caused you to experience feelings of hurt, that's your problem, too bad you took it so personally," doesn't bode well for the formation of empathic relationships. Relationships require empathy, and "Hey, I don't want to talk to you regularly, but it's your fault for taking it so personally" doesn't indicate much empathy.
I fail to see what empathy has to do with tolerating other peoples character flaws. I mean don't get me wrong, I know nobody is perfect and would not expect anybody to be so, but some things are just too annoying for me to handle. Some of the other girls I talked to on those dating sites were much more moderate in regards to how often they contacted me and it felt fine.
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Originally Posted by TabulaRasa
Also, you speak of depression, which is an EXTREMELY HIGHLY COMORBID mental health condition for teens and adults with Asperger's Syndrome, and understandably so. If you don't address that, it will seriously hinder every other aspect of coping with things in your life, other disorders notwithstanding. You speak of frequent drinking, and I've noticed that you're active on the alcohol-related forum, as well, unless I'm mistaking you for someone else. If it's possible that you lean rather heavily on drinking, you may want to pay attention to that, because alcohol and depression aren't great partners.
I use alcohol to unwind yes. But my consumption is under control, and generally exists of roughly (in terms of alcohol content, obviously I don't always drink the same kind of alcohol) a 6pack of beer consumed over the week plus the monthly binge (generally the first weekend at the start of a new month). It's nothing massive, and I generally leave at least 3 days of the week alcohol free.
In fact, I am actually planning on going to the bar later tonight since I know a good amount of people will probably be there. It will be fun. I even have some new fancy cloth I intend to wear.
I did not mean to offend you. I was simply questioning the idea that the best way to deal with my problems is by seeking paid help.
I was never defensive, I just don't agree I need to seek paid help.
I wasn't offended. I was frustrated. You rejected every suggestion, AND you rejected the idea of therapy. "I don't need therapy..." is not a question.
You are quite defensive, which is the first trait that has to go. You won't learn anything if you keep saying, "No, I'm not. No, I'm not."
So ...
A therapist could help you understand the shades of empathy, tolerance, compassion and everything in between. S/he also could help you understand the hidden ways your past is affecting your social interactions.
I did not mean to offend you. I was simply questioning the idea that the best way to deal with my problems is by seeking paid help.
Perhaps, perhaps not. There are also free forms of therapy, which may or may not be effective for you. Bibliotherapy is one.
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I fail to see what empathy has to do with tolerating other peoples character flaws.
Quite a bit, to be honest.
And feeling hurt that someone you'd like to converse with doesn't care to converse with you isn't really a character flaw, it's a fairly reasonable emotional reaction.
But the fact that you "fail to see it" is really a symptom of the problem. When you have a hard time empathizing with what others are feeling, that creates major social barriers.
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I mean don't get me wrong, I know nobody is perfect and would not expect anybody to be so, but some things are just too annoying for me to handle. Some of the other girls I talked to one those dating sites were much more moderate in regards to how often they contacted me and it felt fine.
Here's one issue with that: If frequent conversations are too annoying for you to handle, it's VERY likely that forming a close enough relationship for it to even have a chance to become an intimate relationship at some point will become less and less likely. You might get people to message you on a dating site that only want to talk to you every once in a while, but that's because they are likely talking to a lot of other people and/or seeing a lot of other people. Which is fine. But if you wish to form a relationship that may increase in intimacy, regular social contact will, in most cases (unless you manage to hook up with someone with similar social barriers who is compatible with you in this way) be expected.
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I use alcohol to unwind yes. But my consumption is under control, and generally exists of roughly (in terms of alcohol content, obviously I don't always drink the same kind of alcohol) a 6pack of beer consumed over the week plus the monthly binge (generally the first weekend at the start of a new month). It's nothing massive, and I generally leave at least 3 days of the week alcohol free.
Sounds good. I would worry if you find it contributes to your depression. If it's not, that's great. I'm certainly no teetotaler (well, I am right now, but that's really only because gestating fetuses don't mix well with alcohol).
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In fact, I am actually planning on going to the bar later tonight since I know a good amount of people will probably be there. It will be fun. I even have some new fancy cloth I intend to wear.
Why is it that some people think it's not possible to deal with depression without drugs or seeing a doctor? I was asking for life advice, not a suggestion for what medical treatment to go for
No one mentioned medication...though it is an option.
Therapy can help give you coping mechanisms to deal with and insight into what is causing it and how to move past those things. ..things yout wouldn't think of ono your own.
Why so anti therapy? You want to move past this or wallow?
Get off the internet , go outside, and go find you a lady!
Look if you didn't read the OP just say tl:dr. It's pretty obvious you didn't.
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Originally Posted by hakkarin
Ok, so I am a 24 year old virgin. However, my reasons for being one is actually rather complicated. I am not ugly, and in fact actually used the rateme reddit to ask others for feedback on my looks and I got mostly responses saying I was either about normal (6/10) or slightly good looking (7/10) and a very handful of ones stating I was either bad looking or great looking (4/10 or 8/10). So it can't be because I look terrible. I actually heavily suspect why I am still a virgin.
See, I have ADHD, aspergers and tourettes syndrome. Thankfully, the tourettes doesn't really matter very much anymore and I have learned to think rationally with time which has allowed me to largely (though not completely) compensate for my aspergers. You would probably not be able to tell I have either tourettes or aspergers just by looking at me at this point. And while my ADHD continues to be a brutal problem (more on that later), it doesn't prevent me from actually being able to socialize with another person. However, things weren't always like this.
When I was a kid, these problems were MUCH worse. I was ruthlessly mocked and often bullied while in elementary school. And even if I had not been, there were shockingly few girls in it (I think by the time I left the school, there were perhaps 14 boys and like 6 girls in my class and only 1 or 2 of looked decent) so odds are that most boys in it weren't getting any girlfriends anyway. Or at least not the ones from my class. In addition, during this time I was massively socially conservative. I HATED being around other people (to a point of my mother being worried) and thus never went to any parties. Ever. I did have a few friends, but even when they partied I did not join them (and a few of these "friends" weren't really friends anyway so I don't know if they would have let me).
When I started going to high school said school was actually located in another town so it was a chance to get a fresh start and I was much older by that time. However there were a number of problems that still prevented me from seeing anyone. For starters my aspergers and social conservatism were still pretty bad by the time I started high school. For those who don't know aspergers means you don't have normal social skills by default and have to manually learn everything. When you combine my aspergers with social conservatism you end up with a version of me that just did not give A **** what other people thought about me. I had no problems with picking my noise in front of others (well, I did actually try to make sure they weren't directly looking at me but that is about as far as my concern for them went)and generally I did not take a bath more than perhaps 1-2 times a week because I could not be bothered. In addition, unlike elementary school there were no consistent classes at school where everyone was kept in the same place. You just registered yourself for certain classes for each semester and thus every time you went into class you were surrounded by different people. Not much chance to get to know anybody even if I had tried.
Lack of social skills+little bathing+few chances to meet people+social conservatism=no getting laid in high school. In the last year or so of high school I actually started to loosen up a bit however, and for the first time even started drinking alcohol (I never did so before that point in time) and going out with my mates. While I did find it awesome, it was just a little to late and I did not get laid with anybody. I still do go out to town to have fun every now and then, though.
After about 4 or so years in high school I just quit because I felt I was completely directionless and my ADHD was ****ing up my ability to learn much anyway.
Speaking of my ADHD, that brings me to the next reason for why I am still having problems getting either laid or getting into a relationship. Like I mentioned earlier, my ADHD is very bad. So bad in fact, that I actually have to accept disability benefit and work only a part time job (which I am barely able to do). This means that unlike other people who generally meet new friends where they work, everybody where I work knows that I am just in a part time job because of my condition and for that reason could easily lose my job at any moment if the boss thinks I am not up for the job. This of course means nobody bothers befriending me (I had one other job before and it was no different). I also can't help but wonder if they are basically afraid of talking to me in fear that they might offend me and thus avoid me for that reason (just a pure guess though, and one that doesn't have to be true).
And thus, I am a single 24 year old male living alone. I have no relationship and never have had one. Literally the only experience I have had with a girl was this one time in high school when I very briefly made out with this really drunk girl at the bar while also being drunk. Not exactly a massive accomplishment.
So, I ask you, what exactly should I do? I am getting increasing depressed. I tried a couple of online dating sites for a few months but every single time a girl shows interest in me she just ended up either wasting my time (chatting all she wants on facebook but always having an excuse to not go on a date) or even just being flat out mad (this one women actually stopped talking to me because she kept calling me over the phone something like every 12 hours until I asked her to not call as often because there just isn't that much new to talk about after such a short period of time. Plus she sounded like a weirdo).
How is a person like me suppose to me women?
Well since you're so adamant against therapy maybe for starters you should change your attitude.
This is the OP of another thread that you opened.
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Originally Posted by hakkarin
I take the view that western society has regressed and become worse than in the past, and that people have become more selfish than they use to be.
Whenever I say this, it's a rule of thumb that somebody shows up and says "your just old and are saying the same thing people said in this past. This is nothing new".
But I don't ever hear any actual arguments for this view, just generic claims that I am old and that people use to say this in the past. There is, however, plenty of actual research showing real negative trends:
" The Narcissistic Personality Inventory consists of 40 items. On each item the respondent chooses whether they agree with one statement or another: one of those statements is narcissistic and the other is not. So, for example, 'If I ruled the world it would be a better place' is the narcissistic statement, and then the non-narcissistic one is, 'Ruling the world scares the hell out of me'.
Professor Twenge and Campbell analysed data from 15,000 American college students who responded to the Narcissistic Personality Inventory before 2006. They found that there was a relationship between the birth year of the people filling out the scale and their narcissism score, and those narcissism scores were significantly higher in the 2000s than they were in the 1980s and 1990s.
To make sure that the results weren’t due to other factors, they used subjects who were all about the same age, ethnicity and gender over that time period."
"
In the area of vanity, for example, they observe that plastic surgery rates in the US have gone through the roof since the late 1990s. Even invasive procedures such as breast augmentation or liposuction have increased two or three times over this time period."
But it's all merely in my head cus I'm old right?
The funny thing is, I am not even that old. I recently turned 24 years old. That isn't very old, is it? Even as a young man I can tell that people are considerably worse now even compared to just 10 or so years ago. By far one of the biggest blights of modern society is social media and how people don't even seem to care for talking to each other face to face anymore because it's "too time consuming".
So, for those of you who feel that modern western culture isn't devolving into a piece of crap, perhaps you care to give some actual arguments instead of just calling me old?
You don't even seem to like people your own age. You don't seem to like anything in general. If you can't find even a little beauty and excitement in the world and just spend all your time complaining about how everything and everyone your age sucks then you're going to have a hell of a time trying to find anyone who would want to put up with you. It's one thing to have unpopular opinions but if that's all you have to offer then you are screwed.
Of course you aren't going to take this advice either so yeah whatever.
...I am actually planning on going to the bar later tonight ...It will be fun....I even have some new fancy cloth I intend to wear.
Well, was it fun?
Did your fancy new clothes end up in a pile beside the bed?
Did you get laid?
Do you feel better now?
If you answered "no" to any of those questions you probably do need a Professional.
Try a new bar where the Professionals hang out.
They won't care how crazy or brain damaged you think you are, as long as you have plenty of cash.
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I even have some new fancy cloth I intend to wear. 
