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Old 07-04-2015, 04:00 AM
 
586 posts, read 826,364 times
Reputation: 385

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I am 25 and a mother to 2 young kids. I have to say, there are a few times during the week that I wish I had gotten married later, instead of the tender age of 21. Not that I dont love my kids, or my husband. We've had our share of tough patches, but he's been there for me through thick and thin and I have to say, I do love the man more or less. I mean, I am not head over heels but there is a piece of me that loves him. I just feel I married him at the most vulnerable time of life.

I was 18 going on 19 when I met him. He was an international student and was here on a student visa that was expiring soon. We didnt talk about marriage off the bat (that would be weird) but the discussion happened gradually as his visa was nearing expiration.

I grew up in a complicated family. I was adopted by my maternal great aunt and her husband whom I ended up calling mom and dad. I didnt get along with my aunt, but I adored my uncle. He was the coolest dad that I could ever ask for, and coming from a man who doesnt even have any blood ties with you makes him even more special. Not that my aunt was horrible, she was just strict kinda like how parents play the bad and good cop. Now being a parent myself, I finally understand what they were doing. Anyway, he passed away when I was 16 which was a major loss to me and I mean MAJOR. I was broken and just let myself go. I was once a top student and suddenly became the student who skipped classes 3 days of the week. Everyone changed as soon as he passed. My aunt went back to our homeland to grieve by herself and stayed there for quite awhile, building a villa with the money she got from selling our house and my dad's insurance money. Have no idea how she coped over there but when she came back became a better person. Started taking care of her appearance, wearing make up (which she never did when my uncle was alive). Anyway, good for her that she moved on.

Meanwhile for me, I was a lost teenager. I became homeless when she sold our house and I was pretty much shoved off to live with my estranged mom. My biological mom wasnt completely out of my life to begin with, but she cherished the family that she now has that I wasnt a part of (otherwise I wouldnt have been adopted in the first place) and we just werent close to each other. She had to take me in because I had nowhere to go and I was under 18. Her husband wasnt fond of me, and the way they treated me was totally different than how they treated their own children (my half sibs). I remember times where I had to sit upstairs in a shared bedroom and waited for them to finish their family dinner before I came down to eat by myself.

Anyways, I stayed with her to finish the rest of junior and senior year of high school. I happily moved out when I graduated high school to a college almost 2 hours away with no penny to my name. I only had 1 grand that I managed to save up from my uncle's pension titled to me (the pension ended as soon as I graduated hs). I had just enough to pay my first rent and buy a mattress. I ate expired food, sometimes rotten because I didnt have money to eat. I lived off financial aid funds from school. After 6 months of living in misery, I was so fortunate to land a good work at home job. SInce I had no financial support from family, I took advantage of the good paying job and worked full time and attending college full time.

The summer of my freshman year was also when I met my husband. My first impression of him is that he is kind and generous. I just got out of a bad relationship. My ex always displayed a bad attitude towards me and has bad manners, and my husband was the opposite, and romantic too. He made sure to send me flowers every week. His kindness swept me off my feet. He did mention from the start that he was an international student and asked me if I would mind and I said no.

2 years after we dated, he said he would have to go back home unless we got married. If he got sent back, he wouldnt be allowed to re enter the US for 10 years, which means our relationship would end. As you already know, I was alone, depressed, had no social life, and just withdrawn from everyone and didnt want to lose the best thing that I had at the time so I agreed. No one offered me guidance, and I never got the advise that most parents give their kids "are you sure this is what you want? Are you ready? Dont you have things you want to accomplish before you move on to a next chapter of your life?" Nope, none of that. To this day, I really wish someone had ask me those questions because now at the age of 25, I realized that I WASNT ready.

How do I know? I keep looking at travel magazines and keep picturing myself on a journey with nothing but a back pack and enjoying nature ALL BY MYSELF. I keep watching Earth Cam and watching the sunrise in Brazil. I want to do so much! I DO! I DO! But I cant. The family life has me tied down, and you might say, its not too late. But it is. I have 2 small kids that I would have to haul around. What I was talking about is exploring, traveling and going on adventures on my own, when I was at the prime of my youth, just me and mother nature. No husband, no kids. I wish I could have accomplished those basic things until I got bored and lonely and felt the need to settle down, until my biological clock goes ticking away.
What makes it worse is that I have to witness my friends living out my dream. They take pics from paris, the great wall of china, seoul that the places I wish I could step foot on. If I had made the decision to wait for marriage, I would go to those places in a heartbeat since its just me, myself, and I. But now with a family of 4, the expense is just too much and the experience wont be the same.

I know I cant turn back the hands of time, and I guess I will always have some sense of missing out and never getting to accomplish what I wanted and this post is probably pointless, but I just wanted to get it out because all the thoughts and emotions is pulling at my heart strings. One thing I know for sure though, I will always be there for my kids and will definitely ask them those questions before making their big decision, and I really hope they will live with no regrets.

Sorry for any grammatical or syntax errors. Its past 3 am, I am tired.
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Old 07-04-2015, 06:07 AM
 
1,178 posts, read 1,355,026 times
Reputation: 2227
It is obvious to me that one "journey" you need to take is to a therapist to get some of these things out to someone who is qualified to help you deal with some of the things in your past and what you are going through now. I'll give it a shot until you are able to do that and I am sure others will post their thoughts and try to help you as well.

It is possible that even if you had guidance from people before you chose to get married, you would not have listened to them if they suggested waiting until you get married. You were dating this man for 2 years and that is certainly a long enough time to have determined your love for him at that time. It bothers me the way he "asked" you to marry him, it is more of an emotional blackmail method he used in my opinion. You did agree and also you did have a choice about having kids (whether intentional or not, as you had a part in choosing whether or not to use birth control).

It breaks my heart to read what you went through. You overcame quite a bit and pulled yourself out of turmoil and bettered your life. Be proud of yourself for doing that. Some people would not have been able to do what you did, and would have chosen drugs and/or alcohol to help them through hard times such as what you endured. Again, be glad you did not do that.

It further breaks my heart to read that you are not happy and it sounds like you feel your husband and your kids are a burden in your life. I didn't see anything about how grateful and how much you love your children. Hopefully, you do feel that way. Keep in mind that even if you were single and childless, your dreams of traveling all over to different parts of the world require one thing it doesn't sound like you are rolling in---money. I think that the stresses of what you have been through, raising two children, being married to someone you possibly feel forced you into it before you were ready and now you have resentments towards, and life in general are the reasons you feel like you do.

Also, it is fine to look at travel sites. Very educational. Be grateful for internet and all the Discovery like shows on t.v. If you really want to travel, plan to do so. Start saving even if just a dollar a week towards somewhere you really want to go. In the meantime, try to stop being envious of your friends travels. It will get you no where. Plan within reason trips with your family and be grateful for them (you went through a period homeless with no family--you are not doing that now). I really believe that you are feeling trapped and wanting to run/escape from the burdens and responsibilities you are dealing with now and that is why you feel such a strong urge to travel. Seek therapy and that will help you.
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Old 07-04-2015, 06:59 AM
 
9,511 posts, read 5,378,142 times
Reputation: 9092
Op.

Quote:
How do I know? I keep looking at travel magazines and keep picturing myself on a journey with nothing but a back pack and enjoying nature ALL BY MYSELF. I keep watching Earth Cam and watching the sunrise in Brazil. I want to do so much! I DO! I DO! But I cant. The family life has me tied down, and you might say, its not too late. But it is. I have 2 small kids that I would have to haul around. What I was talking about is exploring, traveling and going on adventures on my own, when I was at the prime of my youth, just me and mother nature. No husband, no kids. I wish I could have accomplished those basic things until I got bored and lonely and felt the need to settle down, until my biological clock goes ticking away.
What makes it worse is that I have to witness my friends living out my dream. They take pics from paris, the great wall of china, seoul that the places I wish I could step foot on. If I had made the decision to wait for marriage, I would go to those places in a heartbeat since its just me, myself, and I. But now with a family of 4, the expense is just too much and the experience wont be the same.
You can go to all the therapists you want and spend 100s if not 1000s of dollars but it won't change the fact that love is work, family is work. You can spend your days lamenting what you're missing, what was taken from you or you can accept that NOW you have 2 kids and a decent husband and a job to do.

I hope you realize that there are many people who would love to be in your position btw.

Don't let this crap eat you up. Your time is coming, it's 20 years down the road but it is coming. When I was 30 and a single father doing what I wanted was out of the question. All I had at one point was my daughter. What you're going through is normal. Billions have been there and done that.

Now at age 51 I am free to do almost anything I want, I can go live in the woods, run naked through the fields. I can dump this apartment and crash on my daughters sofa or live in her tool shed. My other daughter is moving here from Syracuse. I intend to live in her garage or park an 18ft trailer behind her house.

Your fun times are not NOW. This is your time to work. It's later in life that you can sponge off of THEM and take it easy, do what you want all the time.

Just be patient.
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Old 07-04-2015, 07:02 AM
 
Location: a primitive state
11,376 posts, read 24,364,602 times
Reputation: 17405
You've had a hard life. I'm sorry that you didn't have everything you needed at such a vulnerable time.

I don't know if it will make you feel any better, but it's fairly normal to have regrets about certain choices you've made. Everyone does this from time to time, even people who seem to have everything.

Your wish to travel alone comes from your feeling tied down and stressed by the demands of your family. That's normal. It may be magnified by the hard times you've had, but I imagine most mothers feel that way from time to time.

The good news is that you'll be done with little children when you are still a young woman. Hopefully you will have had more stability and a easier life by then. You'll be able to follow your dreams sooner than you expect.

Do your best to find happiness in small ways. Remain consistent so that you can give your children what you didn't have. Treat your husband well and work together towards mutual gains.

And most importantly, ask for help when you need it. Find a mother's morning out program or preschool to give you time to catch up with what you need to do. See a therapist occasionally to help you deal with the hurt you've experienced.

It will be okay. Don't worry. You'll be alright.
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Old 07-04-2015, 07:18 AM
 
9,511 posts, read 5,378,142 times
Reputation: 9092
Just wait. You'll be 45 and MISSING what you have now. The experience (joy and misery) of parenting only comes once and it goes too quickly imo.
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Old 07-04-2015, 08:10 AM
 
1,178 posts, read 1,355,026 times
Reputation: 2227
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrat335 View Post
Op.



You can go to all the therapists you want and spend 100s if not 1000s of dollars but it won't change the fact that love is work, family is work. You can spend your days lamenting what you're missing, what was taken from you or you can accept that NOW you have 2 kids and a decent husband and a job to do.

I hope you realize that there are many people who would love to be in your position btw.

Don't let this crap eat you up. Your time is coming, it's 20 years down the road but it is coming. When I was 30 and a single father doing what I wanted was out of the question. All I had at one point was my daughter. What you're going through is normal. Billions have been there and done that.

Now at age 51 I am free to do almost anything I want, I can go live in the woods, run naked through the fields. I can dump this apartment and crash on my daughters sofa or live in her tool shed. My other daughter is moving here from Syracuse. I intend to live in her garage or park an 18ft trailer behind her house.

Your fun times are not NOW. This is your time to work. It's later in life that you can sponge off of THEM and take it easy, do what you want all the time.

Just be patient.
Really? You are seriously in your 50's? So, you think it is okay to reach a point in your life where you can move into your daughter's garage or park a trailer behind her house and "sponge" off of your kid(s)? I agree with a good percentage of your posting, however this kind of mindset is a bit warped. Our kids do not owe us room and board, food, etc. once they are grown and we have reached our senior years. It is our responsibility to raise them, however, they do not "owe" us anything for bringing them into this world and doing what we should be doing. Your sense of entitlement is bizarre and I feel sorry for your kids. Don't be surprised if they have little to do with you once they find out your plans to have them take care of you.

(Also, the OP may benefit from therapy in helping her deal with her past issues which it sounds like she is still having trouble processing and fully accepting, and can cause her to not be able to focus on the here and now and be as happy and satisfied as she can be as a wife and a mother as well as being able to keep her own identity of who she is as a person. Sorry if that goes over your head.)
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Old 07-04-2015, 08:13 AM
 
6,720 posts, read 8,352,318 times
Reputation: 10409
You will be done before you know it, and have the opportunity to travel as much as you want. Your children are young now, but that doesn't last forever.

If you feel trapped in your marriage, leave. Set up your own independent life and then travel on your own or with the kids.

We travel more with kids than we did without. We also travel without kids too. We just leave our child with family.
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Old 07-04-2015, 08:42 AM
 
9,511 posts, read 5,378,142 times
Reputation: 9092
Quote:
Really? You are seriously in your 50's? So, you think it is okay to reach a point in your life where you can move into your daughter's garage or park a trailer behind her house and "sponge" off of your kid(s)?
No not really. You fell victim to my warped sense of humor Rose. It's an option though because my daughter moving here may buy a fixer upper and I can help out a lot with the house. I'd just pay a little rent and paint or whatever for awhile. No way in hell would I want to do it on a permanent basis. Rather live in a cave.

There's nothing wrong with working together and helping out the kids is there? There isn't in my book anyway. D

I will not however forfeit the option one day of pulling my RV into her driveway occasionally and being welcome to do it. If she wants to be a snob I'll park on the street and walk around bare naked raving incoherently until she gives in. MUHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!

Quote:
If you feel trapped in your marriage, leave. Set up your own independent life and then travel on your own or with the kids.

Utterly stupid and selfish.
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Old 07-04-2015, 08:42 AM
 
2,013 posts, read 1,602,703 times
Reputation: 2741
Quote:
Originally Posted by Scrat335 View Post
Just wait. You'll be 45 and MISSING what you have now. The experience (joy and misery) of parenting only comes once and it goes too quickly imo.
I agree. I'm 42 and wish I hadnt put things off. Now that ship has sailed.

OP, I know many people who married young. Now that they are my age, their families are almost grown. Guess what they get to do? Travel and live life. You won't be too old to do all that in 20 years.

I'm sorry things have been rough in your life, but everything will be ok.
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Old 07-04-2015, 08:45 AM
 
Location: Scottsdale, AZ
1,384 posts, read 1,053,535 times
Reputation: 1635
Quote:
Originally Posted by conlainhothuong View Post
I am 25 and a mother to 2 young kids. I have to say, there are a few times during the week that I wish I had gotten married later, instead of the tender age of 21. Not that I dont love my kids, or my husband. We've had our share of tough patches, but he's been there for me through thick and thin and I have to say, I do love the man more or less. I mean, I am not head over heels but there is a piece of me that loves him. I just feel I married him at the most vulnerable time of life.

I was 18 going on 19 when I met him. He was an international student and was here on a student visa that was expiring soon. We didnt talk about marriage off the bat (that would be weird) but the discussion happened gradually as his visa was nearing expiration.

I grew up in a complicated family. I was adopted by my maternal great aunt and her husband whom I ended up calling mom and dad. I didnt get along with my aunt, but I adored my uncle. He was the coolest dad that I could ever ask for, and coming from a man who doesnt even have any blood ties with you makes him even more special. Not that my aunt was horrible, she was just strict kinda like how parents play the bad and good cop. Now being a parent myself, I finally understand what they were doing. Anyway, he passed away when I was 16 which was a major loss to me and I mean MAJOR. I was broken and just let myself go. I was once a top student and suddenly became the student who skipped classes 3 days of the week. Everyone changed as soon as he passed. My aunt went back to our homeland to grieve by herself and stayed there for quite awhile, building a villa with the money she got from selling our house and my dad's insurance money. Have no idea how she coped over there but when she came back became a better person. Started taking care of her appearance, wearing make up (which she never did when my uncle was alive). Anyway, good for her that she moved on.

Meanwhile for me, I was a lost teenager. I became homeless when she sold our house and I was pretty much shoved off to live with my estranged mom. My biological mom wasnt completely out of my life to begin with, but she cherished the family that she now has that I wasnt a part of (otherwise I wouldnt have been adopted in the first place) and we just werent close to each other. She had to take me in because I had nowhere to go and I was under 18. Her husband wasnt fond of me, and the way they treated me was totally different than how they treated their own children (my half sibs). I remember times where I had to sit upstairs in a shared bedroom and waited for them to finish their family dinner before I came down to eat by myself.

Anyways, I stayed with her to finish the rest of junior and senior year of high school. I happily moved out when I graduated high school to a college almost 2 hours away with no penny to my name. I only had 1 grand that I managed to save up from my uncle's pension titled to me (the pension ended as soon as I graduated hs). I had just enough to pay my first rent and buy a mattress. I ate expired food, sometimes rotten because I didnt have money to eat. I lived off financial aid funds from school. After 6 months of living in misery, I was so fortunate to land a good work at home job. SInce I had no financial support from family, I took advantage of the good paying job and worked full time and attending college full time.

The summer of my freshman year was also when I met my husband. My first impression of him is that he is kind and generous. I just got out of a bad relationship. My ex always displayed a bad attitude towards me and has bad manners, and my husband was the opposite, and romantic too. He made sure to send me flowers every week. His kindness swept me off my feet. He did mention from the start that he was an international student and asked me if I would mind and I said no.

2 years after we dated, he said he would have to go back home unless we got married. If he got sent back, he wouldnt be allowed to re enter the US for 10 years, which means our relationship would end. As you already know, I was alone, depressed, had no social life, and just withdrawn from everyone and didnt want to lose the best thing that I had at the time so I agreed. No one offered me guidance, and I never got the advise that most parents give their kids "are you sure this is what you want? Are you ready? Dont you have things you want to accomplish before you move on to a next chapter of your life?" Nope, none of that. To this day, I really wish someone had ask me those questions because now at the age of 25, I realized that I WASNT ready.

How do I know? I keep looking at travel magazines and keep picturing myself on a journey with nothing but a back pack and enjoying nature ALL BY MYSELF. I keep watching Earth Cam and watching the sunrise in Brazil. I want to do so much! I DO! I DO! But I cant. The family life has me tied down, and you might say, its not too late. But it is. I have 2 small kids that I would have to haul around. What I was talking about is exploring, traveling and going on adventures on my own, when I was at the prime of my youth, just me and mother nature. No husband, no kids. I wish I could have accomplished those basic things until I got bored and lonely and felt the need to settle down, until my biological clock goes ticking away.
What makes it worse is that I have to witness my friends living out my dream. They take pics from paris, the great wall of china, seoul that the places I wish I could step foot on. If I had made the decision to wait for marriage, I would go to those places in a heartbeat since its just me, myself, and I. But now with a family of 4, the expense is just too much and the experience wont be the same.

I know I cant turn back the hands of time, and I guess I will always have some sense of missing out and never getting to accomplish what I wanted and this post is probably pointless, but I just wanted to get it out because all the thoughts and emotions is pulling at my heart strings. One thing I know for sure though, I will always be there for my kids and will definitely ask them those questions before making their big decision, and I really hope they will live with no regrets.

Sorry for any grammatical or syntax errors. Its past 3 am, I am tired.
Sounds like your aunt and mother are real pieces of work. Sorry that you had to experience that.

Just for some perspective, I have a friend whose mother also had feelings of missing out. She got married at 18 to his father and gave birth to my friend soon after. She regretted her decision and decided to live out her youth anyway. She left her family and moved to a big city. One bad decision led to another and she ultimately develop a bad heroin habit and HIV. My friend is now in his late 30s and they have only recently reconnected. He still has mixed feelings about her and is unable to feel that closeness towards her.

Now, this is an extreme example. But, in the end, you made various life-changing decisions in the past. Be careful to not wonder too much...because it all be gone in a drop of a hat. You may go off and do your own thing, travel and have fun. But you may realize that it's not what you thought it would be. You may miss your family. But it might be too late at that point.

I know you're not saying all of this, but your thoughts of "maybe I missed out" can easily become "I did miss out, things can be better. I'm going to find what I missed out on". Trust me, you did not miss out on much.
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