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When I was in my early 20's, before my first serious relationship, I had a check list. My ex actually had fit the bill. It was like a match made in heaven...except for this one big thing that I didn't anticipate...which I just never realized it was possible for a person to be like who he was/is(?) led me to break-up with him.
After that, my "list" just consisted of deal breakers. I knew I wouldn't date someone who were doing certain things in my deal breaker list. It was great, especially when you stick to it. You save yourself the future drama.
I wish more people were like you and threw away that unrealistic mental checklist.
Well, I don't think my "checklist" was necessarily unrealistic. I just realized I needed to shift my focus to other, more important, less tangible qualities in order to find the right partner.
Well, I don't think my "checklist" was necessarily unrealistic. I just realized I needed to shift my focus to other, more important, less tangible qualities in order to find the right partner.
"Well, I don't think my "checklist" was necessarily unrealistic."
A general check list isn't a bad thing. Often what seems like small differences earlier in a relationship become deal breakers down the road. In my opinion some(Most) people get into relationships with people they really are not really compatible with in the first place. They start a relationship with one of the next 2 or 3 people they meet and call it good.
What seems like minor differences earlier on in a relationship often become huge with time. Differing political preferences, Religious upbringing, Family differences, Cultural differences, that may seem minor early on become deal breakers a couple of years down the road.
The only thing that mattered in my 20's was they where physically attractive and shared some form of chemistry with me, I was only interested in having a good time.
Now it is all of that combined with real world expectations.
Are they good with people?
Are they good with children?
Are they good with money?
Are they capable of holding down a job
Do they have a drive or passion
Etc etc etc
It's isn't so much a "checklist" as it is common sense and realizing most people have a little more than one or two dimensions that make up their whole being.
I'd say in my 20s I had that mental checklist that so many people do: attractive, intelligent, great sense of humor, instant chemistry, ability to support himself, etc. etc. Somewhere in my 30s I realized all that really mattered to me was that he was kind and that I feel a certain way with him: totally cared for, supported, respected, and safe. And that I love his company. I had noticed that some of my friends were in great relationships and marriages with guys who might not be tall, dark, handsome, athletic, etc. or the most witty, but they were great partners. That really made me re-evaluate my priorities.
I "threw out" the mental checklist. It still took me until age 42 to find him, but I'm so glad I shifted my focus to qualities that truly mattered. Otherwise I would likely have overlooked the partner I had always been searching for.
This is spot on. Same happened to me.
I will put it like this: in my 20s i believe that ridiculous "soulmate" thing, and also thought of love as something in where you have to suffer and being miserable from time to time, and that was ok because he was "the one".
In my 30s i believe in happinness . That doesnt include BS, suffering and having to endure things as a part of a relationship with "the one". I ve been with the kindest, nicer, most wonderful man for over a year, we live together, we laugh, we have traveled, we will have kids and get married sooner than later, we are in peace with eachother, and our weekends are perfect watching jurassic park or terminators saga in bed while eating popcorn. I ve never doubted he loved me, it was refreshing and new to know you can be in a relationship without EVER questioning "does he love me?" "am i good enough for him?" "is he gonna leave me for other women?" "why doesnt he commit?".
If i would have that ridiculous "checklist", maybe i wouldnt have start going our with him, because he is "only" 5 9 (same height as me, but i wanted "at least 6 foot"), because he is 3 years younger (i only wanted "at least 5 years older"), because he is not super attractive or model looking.
But he is so smart, kind, funny, loving, responsible, SO DIFFERENT to every 30 year old i met, he is not a child-men, he is someone who wanted to find someone like me, who enjoys staying in watching movies as i do, who enjoys travelling as i do, who enjoys reading as i do, but, MOST IMPORTANT THING, someone who wasnt afraid to tell me "I love you" after only 2 months of knowing me, who wasnt afraid to ask me "come live with me" after 7 months together, and who wasnt afraid to have the "kids talk" (he inititated it) only 6 months into the relationship. Someone who knows im a bit older (33) and might wanna have to have kids earlier than he thinks, even a bit before he finishes his PHD, and he wants to do it cause he knows he wants a family.
Lets say he was a 29 year old guy who ALSO was tired of all the BS going on in relationships, i was a 32 y/o who knew what i wanted and already didnt believe in soulmates and suffering. We wanted to be happy and we found eachother.
This change of criteria i started developing in my late 20s, when i spearated from my long life boyfriend of 7 years, and cemented throught the year 2013, when i had some experiences that completely opened my eyes. I spent around 8 months rejecting men i knew were wrong for me, i kept running away from all that drama-full experiences, and then i met him: exactly what i wanted. Not the soulmate, not the guy that checked all my boxes: he was the guy that will always love me and make me happy. Not that bad.
"Well, I don't think my "checklist" was necessarily unrealistic."
A general check list isn't a bad thing. Often what seems like small differences earlier in a relationship become deal breakers down the road. In my opinion some(Most) people get into relationships with people they really are not really compatible with in the first place. They start a relationship with one of the next 2 or 3 people they meet and call it good.
What seems like minor differences earlier on in a relationship often become huge with time. Differing political preferences, Religious upbringing, Family differences, Cultural differences, that may seem minor early on become deal breakers a couple of years down the road.
Criteria aren't bad.
Unrealistic, excessively narrow (so narrow as to rule out the vast majority of people) criteria, criteria an individual cannot actually embody/reciprocate him/herself (i.e. the out of shape person who demands an in-shape partner, etc.) are kind of pointless.
I will put it like this: in my 20s i believe that ridiculous "soulmate" thing, and also thought of love as something in where you have to suffer and being miserable from time to time, and that was ok because he was "the one".
In my 30s i believe in happinness . That doesnt include BS, suffering and having to endure things as a part of a relationship with "the one". I ve been with the kindest, nicer, most wonderful man for over a year, we live together, we laugh, we have traveled, we will have kids and get married sooner than later, we are in peace with eachother, and our weekends are perfect watching jurassic park or terminators saga in bed while eating popcorn. I ve never doubted he loved me, it was refreshing and new to know you can be in a relationship without EVER questioning "does he love me?" "am i good enough for him?" "is he gonna leave me for other women?" "why doesnt he commit?".
If i would have that ridiculous "checklist", maybe i wouldnt have start going our with him, because he is "only" 5 9 (same height as me, but i wanted "at least 6 foot"), because he is 3 years younger (i only wanted "at least 5 years older"), because he is not super attractive or model looking.
But he is so smart, kind, funny, loving, responsible, SO DIFFERENT to every 30 year old i met, he is not a child-men, he is someone who wanted to find someone like me, who enjoys staying in watching movies as i do, who enjoys travelling as i do, who enjoys reading as i do, but, MOST IMPORTANT THING, someone who wasnt afraid to tell me "I love you" after only 2 months of knowing me, who wasnt afraid to ask me "come live with me" after 7 months together, and who wasnt afraid to have the "kids talk" (he inititated it) only 6 months into the relationship. Someone who knows im a bit older (33) and might wanna have to have kids earlier than he thinks, even a bit before he finishes his PHD, and he wants to do it cause he knows he wants a family.
Lets say he was a 29 year old guy who ALSO was tired of all the BS going on in relationships, i was a 32 y/o who knew what i wanted and already didnt believe in soulmates and suffering. We wanted to be happy and we found eachother.
This change of criteria i started developing in my late 20s, when i spearated from my long life boyfriend of 7 years, and cemented throught the year 2013, when i had some experiences that completely opened my eyes. I spent around 8 months rejecting men i knew were wrong for me, i kept running away from all that drama-full experiences, and then i met him: exactly what i wanted. Not the soulmate, not the guy that checked all my boxes: he was the guy that will always love me and make me happy. Not that bad.
Your idea of abandoning the concept of "soulmate", in a nutshell:
You spent your youth seeking for someone who gives you thrills and apparently "you don't believe in soulmates" and say it as if you "downsized" to accept someone who's not that good in a society's hieratchy. Yet you found a man who's probably having a strong career prospect and is also having a masters degree, in the process of obtaining phd, at the age of late 20s and early 30s.
You didn't chase this type of a guy during high school and teenage years when wannabe athletes were the top of hierarchy for young men. You didn't seek this guy in early 20s when musician and leisure-type guys were at the top of hierarchy for young men. This guy has been spending his youth to study, work and establish himself. Now, after 25+, this type of personality becomes more and more prominent factor until a point where it literally eclipses any perceived flaw.
You just snatched a guy who'd be a great catch now, at the point when you were running out of your options anyways. I hear it as pure bragging, not "giving up" on something. Unless this guy is ridiculously hideous, I don't see any logic in your post and I see everything that I saw while dating myself, what kept me revolted and actually increase my expectations. I've been bashed for it on this forum and I see why - it's a strategy to impose negative opinion into my mind in order so that a woman who's been chasing what she wanted can settle with a guy whom even her friends would love to be with. Screw that.
I happen to have frozen progress on my phd title at the momet, I'm 29 y/o. I have strong career prospects. I have realized that I don't want to compromise on some things. I've been bashed on this forum for it, telling me that I'm unreasonable and stuff. But I'm interested in your logic indeed, because I'm very irritated after reading it. I'm tall, it's nothing about height, I'm irritated about apparent "realistic expectations". About what? Are you a phd graduate with strong career prospects yourself? What are your accomplishments as a woman who's 30+ y/o? That you're tired of your previous boyfriend(s) as the ages passed by? That shouldn't be a compliment. It's about getting best of both worlds for yourself, while tossing all the liabilities to that guy for his work. I don't want that myself and yet I get bashed on this forum. Yes, I'm really interesting about this logic on your part and on part of other women who post in here.
I swear that the more I read this forum, the more I'm very revolted at the idea of compromising anything. The less I want to have a relationship at all. This forum seems to be stacked with a specific type of women indeed. It's like seeing men as "utility" has been brought to another level.
Let me say it bluntly - you'd be compromising if you loved that guy now, despite him being unemployed or with low employment prospects and low-paid jobs being his reality. Ask yourself whether you'd be "compromise" that. If you sense you wouldn't or that you'd be disgraced by such idea, then you got your answer.
In essence, your criteria basically followed traits that would qualify a man into a "great catch" at the age that you and him are at this moment. Thus - nothing new. It's been discussed a million times on this sub-forum.
Your idea of abandoning the concept of "soulmate", in a nutshell:
You spent your youth seeking for someone who gives you thrills and apparently "you don't believe in soulmates" and say it as if you "downsized" to accept someone who's not that good in a society's hieratchy. Yet you found a man who's probably having a strong career prospect and is also having a masters degree, in the process of obtaining phd, at the age of late 20s and early 30s.
You didn't chase this type of a guy during high school and teenage years when wannabe athletes were the top of hierarchy for young men. You didn't seek this guy in early 20s when musician and leisure-type guys were at the top of hierarchy for young men. This guy has been spending his youth to study, work and establish himself. Now, after 25+, this type of personality becomes more and more prominent factor until a point where it literally eclipses any perceived flaw.
You just snatched a guy who'd be a great catch now, at the point when you were running out of your options anyways. I hear it as pure bragging, not "giving up" on something. Unless this guy is ridiculously hideous, I don't see any logic in your post and I see everything that I saw while dating myself, what kept me revolted and actually increase my expectations. I've been bashed for it on this forum and I see why - it's a strategy to impose negative opinion into my mind in order so that a woman who's been chasing what she wanted can settle with a guy whom even her friends would love to be with. Screw that.
I happen to have frozen progress on my phd title at the momet, I'm 29 y/o. I have strong career prospects. I have realized that I don't want to compromise on some things. I've been bashed on this forum for it, telling me that I'm unreasonable and stuff. But I'm interested in your logic indeed, because I'm very irritated after reading it. I'm tall, it's nothing about height, I'm irritated about apparent "realistic expectations". About what? Are you a phd graduate with strong career prospects yourself? What are your accomplishments as a woman who's 30+ y/o? That you're tired of your previous boyfriend(s) as the ages passed by? That shouldn't be a compliment. It's about getting best of both worlds for yourself, while tossing all the liabilities to that guy for his work. I don't want that myself and yet I get bashed on this forum. Yes, I'm really interesting about this logic on your part and on part of other women who post in here.
I swear that the more I read this forum, the more I'm very revolted at the idea of compromising anything. The less I want to have a relationship at all. This forum seems to be stacked with a specific type of women indeed. It's like seeing men as "utility" has been brought to another level.
Let me say it bluntly - you'd be compromising if you loved that guy now, despite him being unemployed or with low employment prospects and low-paid jobs being his reality. Ask yourself whether you'd be "compromise" that. If you sense you wouldn't or that you'd be disgraced by such idea, then you got your answer.
In essence, your criteria basically followed traits that would qualify a man into a "great catch" at the age that you and him are at this moment. Thus - nothing new. It's been discussed a million times on this sub-forum.
I really dont get why you are so irritated, but hopefully can clarify what i meant when abandoned the concept of "soulmate", cause i dont think you got what i wanted to say. I didnt mean i "downsized" anything, i dont think of those society hieratchy things you are talking about. What i meant is that i spent 7 years with a guy with a inability to commit, for whatever reason, maybe because he was (we both were) in our 20s, or maybe for deeper reasons since he seemed to be in the exact same place when we talked a few months ago. Since i was SO in love with this guy, the 2 years i was his friend, and then even more when we started dating, i thought "love" was about overcoming all obstacles to be with someone just because he was "the one". I thought as him as "the one", we really had a lot in common, he was so charming and smart and unbelievably attractive, and he was in love with me, but he also had a ton of issues that made it impossible to have a real lasting relationship with him. But i stayed. For 7 years. Clearly, i was inmature too. Not only his fault, but mine too.
If im "congratulating" myself for anything, is for growing out of that stage, and for knowing that way before my guy appeared. My and my long time boyfriend broke up in 2012, i met my guy in 2014. The post break up was the realization that i didnt want that type of love again. Those 2 years made me realize i wanted someone who was a good person, who loved me, who was kind, attentive, sensitive, and wanted to commit. THOSE are the qualitys that im proud i found in my guy.
Yes, he also happens to be acomplished, starting his Phd in philosohpy at 27, graduating with honours before that, and winning a major great paying job as an investigator in a prestigious academy. Yes, he spent his 20s studying and trying to better himself. And he met me at a great time. Cause, guess what? He met women before, he had girlfriends too. And none of them were mature enough to appreciate the kind of guy he was. They all played games, had inability to commit, were hot and cold, just like my guys. But when i met him (and no, he is not hideous, he is super cute too in a nerdy kind of way) i knew he was a catch. Not for his many academic acomplishments (wich i of course appreciate) but because he was a fantastic guy. Sincere, honest, willing to put himself outhere, not afraid to wear his heart on his sleeve. I felt LOVED, and taked care of. He wasnt "afraid" of what i might do to him, he wasnt afraid to get hurt. He got hurt before, but was willing to go all in with me, he was BRAVE.
Despite what many men think, it takes a brave men to give someone your heart like that. Its not that easy to love that way, and, for some people, its not that easy to let themselves be loved that way.
We both were in the ideal state of mind to meet eachother. I would have passed by a men like him if i met him 5 years before, because i was too stupid, i thought that men who were "sensitive" or really sweet were idiots. It turns out i was the idiot, wasting time with cowards, just cause i had it all wrong.
and about the "running out of options" part, i dont know what part of my post give you that impression? but no, i was not running out of any options.
In fact, the guy i spent 7 years with have gotten back from europe 6 months before i met my guy, and spent all those months trying to win me back. He not only sent me a postcard from every city he was in europe, with very special words, but, when he got back, he sent me flowers, cards, called arranging dinners. I went and talk to him only to talk, and to realize there was no way i could be with that type of men again. He never stopped insisited, until i met my guy and he realized what type of commited relationship i was in.
I also went out with a couple of guys who seemed great prospects and none of them were even half af sweet as my current is. They just werent for me.
I wasnt running out of options, i was in high demand, actually. But i didnt wanna settle, i wasnt gonna settle with guys that were gonna be with me and then suddenly be flying to europe cause they "needed to think" "a new adventure" "not ready for commitment" "had the 30s crisis" "had the 35s crisis". I wasnt gonna go that road again. And then i meet my guy. First i loved that he was smart, funny, and interesting. But very soon i realize he was candid, sweet, and not afraid. I just knew. You can tell with this stuff. And that was it.
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thing, and also thought of love as something in where you have to suffer and being miserable from time to time, and that was ok because he was "the one".
. That doesnt include BS, suffering and having to endure things as a part of a relationship with "the one". I ve been with the kindest, nicer, most wonderful man for over a year, we live together, we laugh, we have traveled, we will have kids and get married sooner than later, we are in peace with eachother, and our weekends are perfect watching jurassic park or terminators saga in bed while eating popcorn
. I ve never doubted he loved me, it was refreshing and new to know you can be in a relationship without EVER questioning "does he love me?" "am i good enough for him?" "is he gonna leave me for other women?" "why doesnt he commit?". 
