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The first text does not override the second. You've become emotionally attached to an unhealthy man FOR YOU... his nonsense of no labels.
It's not weird, it is part of his personality. He disregards your feelings. He may be the best friend you've ever had but he is not a friend at all to you by his attitude.
You mentioned how your family wasn't really there for you- I think you've attached yourself to this less than healthy man because you need family. I get that. I am alone too. Have no family of my own and it hurts.
But you see him for who you WANT to see, NOT for what he is. I would even go as far as saying he is mentally abusive towards you. You need him, he knows that and he can do anything he wants, knowing you will put up with it- because you are.
I want to share a story. I heard about this... don't know where....there were some depressed people in a theater. There was a fire in the front and the people just sat there, didn't move until told to. (I'm not saying anything about you and depression, but I've always remembered this since I am often depressed)
That is what your relationship is like. You want his attention so bad, he treats you badly and you accept unacceptable ideas and give excuses why he is not so bad.
If you don't want to believe me or all the others saying the same, okay. But I am going to make a suggestion and you don't have to take it either.
I think you should call a woman's shelter. Your relationship is close to mental abuse, esp if he expects you just to un-define your relationship now, with the no labels thing.
You had a relationship and this man has mentally tore it down while still treating you like a gf and you sit back and say, no worries. That's not healthy. Explain to them what you've told us, maybe they can help you. They have services, a place to go, job services (or time to help you get one) to help you get on your feet.
I don't say this lightly. I've been thinking of you, worried for you for the way you hold him in such high regards and he doesn't think about your feelings at all.
You can make it without him. You just have to believe in yourself.
Just consider my idea. I do hope all works out, what ever you decide.
Wow thanks. (and my name is not "Liz" by the way, I'm just trying to cover up my identity in case I ever do execute writing/completing a book in the future...then I would not want anyone to trace forum entries back to me)
Anyhow
Thank you for thinking of me. I never even thought of a women's shelter.
I wish I would have known about the existence of women's shelters in my youth. I didn't even have the slightest clue what to do or where to go about domestic abuse and other abuse. I should have told and had certain individuals be given jail time too. Ugh. life is so complicated, and it's too late now for any of that.
but I DO desire to get away from my boyfriend's place soon, now for the simple reason that I feel awful that he does not care enough to come talk to me and to try and make me feel better. He knows that I'm awake in my room, the lights are on. He could knock on the door or try to talk to me through the door, but he is just really neglecting me right now when he KNOWS that I feel hurt. He knows that he is the only relationship of my life, yet now this person that I attributed un-dying beautiful love with
is not even caring enough to try and set things straight with me
He just allows me to stay in here, all quiet. Keeping to myself. and he's not talking to me about his day or anything. we're not talking when we never even got into a fight.
Maybe I should go to a women's shelter because HE was supposed to be my savior and my hero
but now he's letting me rot
I don't know how a women's shelter works, but I hope that there are no bed bugs or people with guns or insane people (psychopaths) that would randomly hurt me physically for no reason
I thought he was going to be my family and my supporter and that he would always be there for me forever
Wow thanks. (and my name is not "Liz" by the way, I'm just trying to cover up my identity in case I ever do execute writing/completing a book in the future...then I would not want anyone to trace forum entries back to me)
Anyhow
Thank you for thinking of me. I never even thought of a women's shelter.
I wish I would have known about the existence of women's shelters in my youth. I didn't even have the slightest clue what to do or where to go about domestic abuse and other abuse. I should have told and had certain individuals be given jail time too. Ugh. life is so complicated, and it's too late now for any of that.
but I DO desire to get away from my boyfriend's place soon, now for the simple reason that I feel awful that he does not care enough to come talk to me and to try and make me feel better. He knows that I'm awake in my room, the lights are on. He could knock on the door or try to talk to me through the door, but he is just really neglecting me right now when he KNOWS that I feel hurt. He knows that he is the only relationship of my life, yet now this person that I attributed un-dying beautiful love with
is not even caring enough to try and set things straight with me
He just allows me to stay in here, all quiet. Keeping to myself. and he's not talking to me about his day or anything. we're not talking when we never even got into a fight.
Maybe I should go to a women's shelter because HE was supposed to be my savior and my hero
but now he's letting me rot
I don't know how a women's shelter works, but I hope that there are no bed bugs or people with guns or insane people (psychopaths) that would randomly hurt me physically for no reason
I thought he was going to be my family and my supporter and that he would always be there for me forever
now I'm lost
No. A woman's shelter is a safe place for women. May be women who were abused, or kicked out with nowhere to go. You stay there until you can get a decent job, start saving up some money and get on your feet. It would probably be a healthier place to be than with a guy who isn't too emotionally invested in you.
Trust me. This is not a good man. It's just that he's all you have right now, so you see what you want to see in him and try to cancel out and rationalize his bad behavior by saying "Well he did some nice stuff." That may be. But we see how he handles bad stuff, by cheating and ignoring you. Men who beat their girlfriends probably did stuff for them to. But it doesn't negate the fact he's abusive. Pimps buy things for their prostitutes, but he doesn't love them.
Remember the girl I told you about in the example? The guy you said was a total jerk? He acted nice to her sometimes as well. When his girlfriend dumped him, he started being nicer to his side-chick, they hung out, and he even introduced her to his friends for the 1st time. But then he went right back to ignoring her and sleeping with other women. Even if he was somewhat nice sometimes, he still wasn't a good man to her, and not one she needed to keep sticking around with.
Your relationship may be better than the one with your father. But both of you are still not right for one another. You both seem to have issues with communication, and you have gotten to a point where your life seems to revolve around him, like getting as mad as you got and running away just because he was going to see family on Xmas. I could see being upset you weren't invited. But if you had a healthier life and tried doing things that don't involve him, then it wouldn't be so upsetting that he did things away from you, and you'd have hobbies and things to do rather than waiting for someone to come home and comfort you. That's not healthy. You have to learn to help yourself and better your own life.
So I would agree with trying to look into a woman's shelter. You'd be better off getting your life on track there, with your roommate out of your life, instead of staying around him and constantly wondering where he is, and why he isn't speaking to you.
You can't expect a relationship to save you. Go to professionals who deal with helping people and have more experience at it. They will help, as that's what they're there for. A boyfriend isn't a professional hero, and relationships based around trying to save someone never work. And because your roommate knows how vulnerable and dependent you are, it allows him to not have to act that well, because you hold no cards or power in the relationship at all. You need him more than he needs you. And he knows that. Not to mention, didn't you say he had issues with depression, among other things? If so, he's not mentally healthy either. So the last thing he's qualified to do is try to save a person who has had a totally messed up life.
So, neither of you is mentally healthy and fully mature at this point. So a relationship is the last thing you need. Least a romantic one. You need to learn to develop some platonic friendships where there's no cheating or jealousy involved. And get professional help. Neither of you is qualified to cure or save anyone.
Last edited by HappyRain; 07-14-2015 at 06:36 AM..
Look. You came here for advice. All of us here for the most part believe he's a douche who does not care at all about your feelings.
You think he's the only one for you, that he's amazing. Great....we can't change your mind. You have made up your mind about this person. Nothing we say is going to get to you.
You can either take our advice, leave the douche and find happiness with someone else, or continue being in this abusive relationship.
This is NOT a good relationship. No matter how much you think it is, he is bad, this is bad. You CAN be with someone else and be happy.
And no.....he is not supposed to be your savoir and hero. Here is your problem. You depend on others for your happiness and to save you. You can only save yourself. You need to learn to be independent and be happy with yourself before you can be with another person. Even in healthy relationships, no one is your savior.
Also....when couples fight, you are not supposed to "wait" for the other to make you feel better. No. You speak your mind and let them know what is wrong. That's a terrible mistake. Yes, they are supposed to be concerned for you in a healthy relationship. But since you are not you make your concerns known. You guys are just avoiding each other....that's bad.
You need to wake up. This is seriously a terrible relationship! No one should be treated like this.
Wow thanks. (and my name is not "Liz" by the way, I'm just trying to cover up my identity in case I ever do execute writing/completing a book in the future...then I would not want anyone to trace forum entries back to me)
Anyhow
Thank you for thinking of me. I never even thought of a women's shelter.
I wish I would have known about the existence of women's shelters in my youth. I didn't even have the slightest clue what to do or where to go about domestic abuse and other abuse. I should have told and had certain individuals be given jail time too. Ugh. life is so complicated, and it's too late now for any of that.
but I DO desire to get away from my boyfriend's place soon, now for the simple reason that I feel awful that he does not care enough to come talk to me and to try and make me feel better. He knows that I'm awake in my room, the lights are on. He could knock on the door or try to talk to me through the door, but he is just really neglecting me right now when he KNOWS that I feel hurt. He knows that he is the only relationship of my life, yet now this person that I attributed un-dying beautiful love with
is not even caring enough to try and set things straight with me
He just allows me to stay in here, all quiet. Keeping to myself. and he's not talking to me about his day or anything. we're not talking when we never even got into a fight.
Maybe I should go to a women's shelter because HE was supposed to be my savior and my hero but now he's letting me rot
I don't know how a women's shelter works, but I hope that there are no bed bugs or people with guns or insane people (psychopaths) that would randomly hurt me physically for no reason
I thought he was going to be my family and my supporter and that he would always be there for me forever
now I'm lost
Actually you are allowing yourself to sit in your bedroom with the door closed and rot.
You are not making any effort to make things right with him so why should he beg you to open the door and talk to you?
It is YOUR responsibility to be your own savior and hero not his.
You are acting like a child having a tantrum and sulking in your room, all alone having a pity party.....
"Woe is me because my boyfriend won't save me from myself".
Either handle this situation like an adult and get it worked out with your boyfriend or don't but......
DO NOT put "your happiness" on him, it isn't his job to make you happy.
Okay. Here is one issue I want to address. He went out and didn't say anything to you, you got upset, locked yourself in your room, and refused to talk to him. He asked you what was wrong the first time, and you ignored him. He didn't know what was wrong. So he went out again. And here you are wondering "Why hasn't he tried making me feel better?" Um, YOU DIDN"T COMMUNICATE YOUR FEELINGS. He doesn't know he'd doing anything wrong, and you are not telling him what is wrong. You are half of the problem. A healthy relationship is built on trust and communication. He is playing you, he's probably out and about. And you aren't communicating with him. He's not a mind reader!
You are dependent on another human being for your well being and happiness. That is a complete no no. Get out of that situation.
There's only one question you need to ask yourself. No if's buts or maybes. Right now, in your current situation, are you HAPPY. It's a yes or no question. No matter how great of friends you are, no matter what you think will happen in the future, if you have even one sliver of doubt or unhappiness, then he's not the right one for you.
You two are on different pages. You want one thing, he wants another. Nothing wrong with either, but a relationship only works when you two both agree on the status of your relationship. You are not going to change him.
So are you happy right now in your current situation? if that is a YES, then stay, If that is a NO, Leave. That's all there is to it. No rationalizing, so maybes. Nothing. Are you happy.
^^^This 100%. YOU say HE does not communicate with you, but YOU do not communicate with HIM either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by caverunner17
Just a thought. Maybe he's gay?
I don't know any straight 20 something male that will get naked in bed with a girl he's had sex with and then not sleep with her.
^^^this too. Or bi. Or experimenting. No healthy 20-something male lies in a bed with a female and does not want sex. YOU need to see a doctor if you have no sex drive at 20-something either.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Matrixliz
...t I feel awful that he does not care enough to come talk to me and to try and make me feel better. He knows that I'm awake in my room, the lights are on. He could knock on the door or try to talk to me through the door, but he is just really neglecting me right now when he KNOWS that I feel hurt. He knows that he is the only relationship of my life, yet now this person that I attributed un-dying beautiful love with
is not even caring enough to try and set things straight with me
He just allows me to stay in here, all quiet. Keeping to myself. and he's not talking to me about his day or anything. we're not talking when we never even got into a fight.
.....
YOU don't care enough to leave your room and try to talk to him either. YOU could have left your room and talked to HIM. You guys do not fight right, because you need to communicate.
He's seeing your relationship as friends but your romanticizing it to yourself as a should be relationship with labels. He may be trying to be annoying so you will consider moving on. He may have tired of putting a roof over your head and being in a life situation he's just not into. Better be making plans even if it means heading back to where your family is.
OP, your excuses for him are quite tiring. Bottom line, you have to love yourself first before anyone else can love you. It's not because of hormones that you're not having sex. He just isn't into you anymore.
Get out. Go love yourself and find your self-respect.
yea. so far he's been home for like 40 minutes and he knows that I'm here, yet he still hasn't bothered to resolve things with me
I guess that's just him, showing his "love".
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