Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
My girlfriend and I have been together for 9 months, 8 of them great. She has been getting an upset stomach for the past 3 weeks. About 3 weeks ago is when we had our first fight, which I instigated.
Basically, I am jealous of the person that she is. I am envious that she is smarter than me, and had such an easy time in school when I struggled. I am upset that she seems to be able to afford things like Lasik surgery and a new car when I can't, and we make the same amount of money. I am envious of the fact that she is happy with herself as a person, and I look up to her while she doesn't look up to me.
When I bring these things up, it is hard on her. She will tell me she is also envious of my abilities when I tell her I'm envious of hers, but I don't believe her, because she only claims to when I bring up my own jealousies, and I believe she's only trying to placate me. I hate being placated.
I get all pent up with my jealousy and I feel the need to explain to her these things, although really all I am doing is complaining about how much better she is than me. And it makes her feel bad. Part of me is sorry that this is hurting her...but there's another evil side of me that says, "you get to be so much better than everyone else, then this is what you get." She's told me before that she feels a lot of pressure from her family because she was always considered the smart one, and expectations were always high of her. I am trying to understand that, but it still infuriates me to hear "well it's hard on me to be better than everyone else, boo hoo me." There are others of us that are down in the gutter looking up at your greatness; we wish we had problems like that.
But when I get all this out of my system, I realize she is an extremely sweet person. I shouldn't envy anyone their talents, especially her: it makes her who she is. And it doesn't make her better than me, despite my projected insecurity. Not only that, but she's chosen to be with me; if she's so smart and talented, I should take a hint and try to see that there's something worthwhile in me that she sees.
I just get so caught up in comparisons. And that will tear this relationship apart, if I can't control my feelings. It's not fair to hurt her. But I don't want to feel small, either.
Help me.
Wow. This is weird to read because your girlfriend does sound like she is awesome, and instead of being happy about it, you just feel insecure and jelaous, and actually want her to feel bad. I dont get it.
My boyfriend is better than me in probably almost everything, and it never crossed my mind to be envious !!, au contraire, im so happy he is with me and loves me!
Same with some of my girlfriends, they are such smart, wonderful, acomplished people, and i just feel so lucky they are my friends. I must have some good qualities too if all this people love me!
You should actually be thinking you are lucky to have her. If instead you are wanting her to suffer and you have all this awful feelings, maybe you DONT love her. Or you need therapy to figure this out cause its sad to destroy such a good relationship with such a great girl, over those petty feelings.
I have a friend whose husband is like you are now. He just told her he wanted a divorce. She's distraught. I say "good riddance."
So here's what you do. You break up with your girlfriend. Know why? Because you aren't fit to be dating ANYONE and no one should have to suffer along while you figure your crap out. Maybe you lose her forever, maybe you hook up again later. But for now, you need a shrink and some serious alone time, because right now you are a toxic dick and if you want a happy life, you need to figure out how to fix that.
I'm not gonna pat you on the head and say how you're a big man because you recognized the problem. Whoopty doo. Do something about it. But don't make your girlfriend suffer through one more minute of being in a relationship with you - she probably needs to work on her own self-esteem issues. And I know that because I dealt with a boyfriend who was very jealous of how loved and successful I was, and he just made me miserable. I broke up with him because I had a flash of insight that the relationship was part of my unhappiness, but that doesn't always happen.
You two are not good for each other right now (and you are definitely the toxic one here), so time to call it quits until you become more mature.
my girlfriend is also a really intelligent gal , most of my life I half ass everything never giving a **** and still came up top 10% of my class but this year in college when I met her shes what you call the do it all, know it all gal she has a 4.0 gpa mean while mine is a 2.0. where both in art classes and even as good as i am she is the better artist but there's one simple mistake you are making and that's killing you I have this as well ,the I have to be the best syndrome. she chose you because she sees you can do better and you have potential in your heart don't be a dumb ass and mess it all up because of something simple that will have you pondering for months when you can have this simple fix now. Never compare your self unless its for competition purposes it does ruin the relationship if your getting jealous and jealousy leads to anger which will form domestic violence in your future and if I see you on the news im coming for ya, that kind of crap ruined my childhood.
overall love her for who she is and even better learn to respect yourself , one thing i learned in the last few months with mine is when to man up and that's simply one of those things.( plus maybe a helpful tip to boost you , smart gals like mine want you to do something they don't have much experience in ,im teaching her sports whats yours?)
Hoo boy. Well. It's a little hard to be sympathetic, but you seem like you're being pretty brutally honest about yourself, so I'm going to try.
So, you're already seeing a psychologist about this. You don't really need 30 internet strangers to pile on and tell you your logic is screwed up. You already know this.
I think - probably - this is not the relationship for you. Not just for her sake (which is a valid argument, but 20 people before me already said that), but for your sake. This relationship is not bringing out the best in you. A better relationship for you might be one where you don't feel like the playing field is so uneven. A great relationship is one in which you feel compelled to be a better person.
Yeah, you have demons. But I don't think you're a lost cause, or doomed to endlessly repeat this pattern. You recognize the behavior, first of all. That's a good start. You're getting help for it. You're also young. Sometimes people with your type of issue (it's not like you're violent - you're just irrationally jealous) mellow out with age. Maybe you just, you know, need a little more time in the oven of life. Keep being aware of it, keep working on it. You are fully capable of improving yourself.
I want to work on myself so that this isn't an issue anymore, and I've been trying. I go to see a psychologist every couple weeks to talk about this stuff. And it has helped. And she knows I'm trying to work through it, but that doesn't make it any easier on her. It's just hard to hit the brakes when one of those waves of jealousy comes around. I have triggers, among them being the idea that others are better than me. I have always felt disadvantaged compared to others. It's hard when that evidence is so close in proximity to you.
But all this talking is just words without action.
I want to be with her. But more than that, I want her to not feel sick to her stomach anymore.
I guess I didn't come here hoping anyone would tell me what to do. I just wanted the harsh reality in my head confirmed.
Can I rescue this? Can I fix this? Like I said, I am working on it, but every couple weeks I slip...and then this happens. And I think her patience might be worn to the breaking point.
She is either pregnant and will eventually get over being sick to her stomach or she is not pregnant and she will get over being sick to her stomach when you either break up or quit being a jealous, envious whiny snit.
I may be suffering from arrested development or something but this whole discussion astounds me. Mrs. NBP and I have been together for 40 years (I think. I don't remember and she refuses to count) and married for 34.
We've seen each other through unemployment, separation for deployment, relocation, childbirth, illness, accident, hurricanes, blizzards, deaths of parents, personal victories and defeats, etc.
Some of that time I made more money, sometimes she did. Right now she does since I just started drawing my pension.
Never did I (and I'm assuming her) ever have feelings of jealousy or envy. Resentment? Yes, sometimes. I have been absent or distracted with things I'm involved with quite a bit. One of her jobs sometimes necessitated 14 hour days. She's irked right now because I retired and she still has a couple years to go.
But what the OP described? Never.
Please register to post and access all features of our very popular forum. It is free and quick. Over $68,000 in prizes has already been given out to active posters on our forum. Additional giveaways are planned.
Detailed information about all U.S. cities, counties, and zip codes on our site: City-data.com.
Please register to participate in our discussions with 2 million other members - it's free and quick! Some forums can only be seen by registered members. After you create your account, you'll be able to customize options and access all our 15,000 new posts/day with fewer ads.
I feel you 100%
