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I apologize in advance for the long length of this.
I'm a single woman in her early 40's who has been spending time with a divorced man (and father of 2 young children) - he's 35 - for almost a year. We met 2 years ago and we had a casual, "hello, how are you today" kind of relationship. Approximately 6 months after we met, he began a focused, intentional pursuit of me, although, I never got the strong feeling he was pursuing me for a romantic relationship, there was definitely an intent to become closer behind his attentions.
I slowly allowed him to get closer to me (I am not quick to allow people in, especially men, since I was burned badly and gave up on that) - and when he finally got behind my walls (his words) I told him that I was growing attached to him and if he did not see me in the same light, then to please leave me alone because I was not going to invest my feelings only to have him leave because he does not feel the same. As a result he stopped calling, texting and coming to see me for three weeks. Then he came back. He started with texts, then calls, then in person. I guess you could say we called a truce. Neither of us ever mentioned the subject of a romantic relationship again but it was always just under the surface for me and now I think it was for him, too.
Fast forward a year. We are a huge part of each other's lives. We talk on the phone and text every day. We see each other once or twice a week. We are involved in each other's everyday life stuff. I have girl's day out with his daughter to give him alone time with his son every so often. We go out together without the kids, too. We have told each other most of our histories. I have met his family. He has met mine. We are close enough that his ex-wife asks the kids about us.
This weekend was different. He usually has a few beers. I don't usually drink. I had a couple of margaritas and was a little chattier than usual and I told him that I had something I wanted to share with him about my past. I was really just looking for a male point of view of my previous, long term relationship that had ended very badly - I consider him one of my closest friends now. He practically panicked. When I asked him what was wrong, he told me he didn't want to know anything that could change our relationship. Then he said I shouldn't say anything unless I was sober because if I needed to drink to tell him whatever I wanted to tell him then it couldn't be good. I told him he was reading way too much into what I said and that I was not drunk. I also asked him how what I had to say about my own past could possibly change our relationship? Here is where it got strange. He told me that he pursued me at first because he was attracted and he saw me as a challenge since I was reserved. When I put him on the spot about starting to care about him and asked him to leave me alone if he didn't feel the same, he felt pressured, so he left me alone for the 3 weeks, but that he couldn't help himself, he had to have me in his life so that's why he came back. He sensed I had friend zoned him when he came back, so he went with it and we actually became extremely good friends. He said I had become almost perfect in his eyes - able to support myself, yet still enjoy being girly and having stuff done for me, totally supportive of him and able to help him want to improve himself, kind and loving to his children, kind to his family and former family despite them being challenging, and the list went on. He said he was afraid if I told him something about my past that was difficult to hear, or if it was about something in my sexual past, then he was afraid it would somehow change me in his eyes and he'd go back to thinking of me sexually. I asked if that would be bad, and he said he spent a long time training himself to consider me a friend, and not a potential partner and as a result, he has the best friendship with me that he has ever had with anyone. He is afraid if we try out having a sexual relationship and things go bad, we'll lose everything. I replied that if we are so good on every other level, and we're both kind and thoughtful people by nature, why does he think it would fail? He responded that all sexual relationships fail and someone always leaves. I responded that I care very much for him, so much in fact, that if he began a relationship with another woman, he would probably lose me anyway - either through her or through me, and could he say any different if I met another man?
We tabled the discussion, but it certainly gives me a lot to think about. Is it worth trying? If one of us meets someone else, then we'll never know.
Any help would be appreciated.
Thank you leftcoastie and Wmsn4life. It certainly is a suddenly unexpected situation to be in.
What part is unexpected?
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Hi Mikala43,
I truly believed that I was the only one harboring feelings. When he left me alone when I asked him to, I thought he did not want me that way. Then he came back and I thought he changed his mind, but only briefly because though we are constantly talking, texting or spending time together, he has never made an advance. I honestly believed he was not interested in me that way. That's what was so unexpected to me - for him to reveal his thoughts and feelings all at once like that.
Hi Lilac110,
That's an interesting perspective. There's a good portion of me that agrees with you that that may be his unconscious motivation - I say unconscious because I know he is an honest, kind man and I know he genuinely cares about me as a friend and a human being so I do not believe he would use me like that intentionally - nor would he let his kids get so close to me. But his divorce was an ugly, ugly one, and it would make sense that he would seek a safe haven of sorts. I, on the other hand, would genuinely like to be in a traditional relationship with him. I care about him on all levels. I cannot imagine being with anyone but him at this point in my life, but I thought that option was not on the table.
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