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People can learn to cook, OP. It's not too unusual for women to not know how to cook when they graduate from college. Most learn pretty quickly. She needs to be motivated. Your wife isn't motivated. And you make it easy for her to stay that way, by doing all the cooking. Tell her you're way too tired after work to cook all the time, and that she can get a cookbook, or ask her mom for recipes. It's not rocket science. Offer to do the dishes if she cooks, and when you cook, she does the dishes. Work out a schedule: her--weekdays, you--weekends, or you take turns every other night, or whatever. Then stick to it. Don't step in for her. She's not a child. You're enabling her "laziness", in this regard.
Last edited by Ruth4Truth; 07-21-2015 at 12:04 PM..
It sounds like you think she is an absolutely horrible person. You think she's fat, lazy, spoiled, a bad cook, and has a yeasty vagina. While you think you are extremely successful, hardworking, and a total stud muffin. Do you think a marriage can work if a husband feels this way about his wife? I sure can't picture it working. Just divorce her so you can both move on with your lives. I don't really even see a point it trying to work this out. You don't have children and I can really only see a marriage lasting if the couple loves and respects each other - and it's clear that you neither love nor respect her. If you decide to get married again - make sure it is with someone that you will love through thick and thin, sickness and health, for richer or for poorer. That's what marriage is supposed to be.
I would agree with a previous poster that yes, you did "sign up for this." You were with her for eight years prior to getting married. You can't have been oblivious to personality issues, her expression of her values, her moods and behavior, her attitude toward working, finances, sex, etc. I just don't buy that all these horrible things about her were only revealed to you in the past year, once you decided (you did decide, right?) to marry. It seems way more likely that you turned a blind eye to stuff for years, and now that you made a decision (and, yes, "signed up" for this), you've got buyer's remorse. It sounds more like YOU simply didn't think things through.
I get so annoyed at those types of posts about gold digging women. I make six times more than my husband and have not touched a dime of his money since getting engaged/married. If she spends all of your money after marriage, she was doing it before and you just didn't notice the type of person she was!
You're an RN and yet you seem mystified as to what a yeast infection is...?
It isn't clear to me what your order of issues are. Is it her weight, her under-employment, her unwillingness to cook or clean, something else? You mentioned that you are willing to try things in the bedroom to keep the relationship alive, but are you willing to ask her to discuss the issues in the marriage?
Divorce doesn't solve any of the problems that you noted; it just removes you from them. Which is fine, I suppose, but what are you going to tell the next woman you date when she asks about your previous relationship? That you ended things because your wife gained weight? Good luck with that.
Divorce is an end-stage decision, to be explored when all other avenues have failed. If you really feel that the issues are so irreconcilable, then okay. But make sure that they are.
This.
He lists all of the issues he has, but then at the end, says this:
Quote:
I am torn. Do I try to get her to lose weight
So, is it *really* about her weight, but you include her lack of earning potential and "wifely duties" to make it seem less an issue about her weight? You seem worried about her appearance than you are her health.
Look, you've been married a freakin' year. A year, and the "problems" you have are not what most consider end-stage marital problems that lead to a separation.
Have you spoken to her about any of this, but not in a critical, judgmental way? Have you asked her if there are underlying issues, or how she's doing? What if she's depressed and this has caused other issues?
Try being open and honest, but empathetic and supportive.
In my experience, you won't get far if you focus on her weight gain, which seems to be a huge issue. We get it, you're not as attracted to her anymore, but to end a marriage after a year... yeah.
I was in good shape when my husband and I got married. I put on weight, more than previous pregnancies, during my last pregnancy, dealt with a rough postpartum recovery, hormone issues, vitamin D deficiency, PPD... which led to more weight gain. Now I'm in a place where I'm beginning to lose weight again, but it's super slow given I can't do the diet regimens that worked beautifully for me in the past due to breastfeeding. My super fit, very attractive husband has been nothing but supportive and empathetic. He understands the struggles and challenges, and wouldn't dare hang it over my head or threaten me with divorce.
It sounds like you think she is an absolutely horrible person. You think she's fat, lazy, spoiled, a bad cook, and has a yeasty vagina. While you think you are extremely successful, hardworking, and a total stud muffin. Do you think a marriage can work if a husband feels this way about his wife? I sure can't picture it working. Just divorce her so you can both move on with your lives. I don't really even see a point it trying to work this out. You don't have children and I can really only see a marriage lasting if the couple loves and respects each other - and it's clear that you neither love nor respect her. If you decide to get married again - make sure it is with someone that you will love through thick and thin, sickness and health, for richer or for poorer. That's what marriage is supposed to be.
Right? I mean, crap, what didn't he criticize. I'd be crushed if my husband said these things.
Sounds like after 10 years, you two have very different views of going forward in life. Fortunately you don't have kids (and make sure you dont!!). Maybe a separation for a bit would help clear both of your heads. After that, if you feel you really want out, then go. Better now than another 10 years from now.
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