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If I was in this situation, the first thing I would do is immediately sit down with both the wife and the boyfriend and have a straight talk with both of them about what is going on. How to deal with the situation would present itself from there.
If I had to guess, this affair has gone physical a long time ago. And even if it didnt, youll never know and it will drive you insane. Cheaters are liars by default, so what she says has zero meaning. Look at her actions not her words. Once again, therapy at this point in time is a complete waste of time, she is in a affair fog and is getting nothing out of it. It could be useful, given the right therapist, but only once the affair is over and she is willing to take responsibility and accountability for her actions. When that happens, you will get full honesty (not trickle truth), remorse and willingness to do the heavy lifting to rebuild your trust. I may be repeating myself but these are the steps to take
- Confront her, and draw the line in the sand. She must write no contact letter to the OM, approved by you and sent by you.
- She must quit the musical group thing. Period.
- She must admit to the affair and write out a timeline of what happened and when. You keep that for yourself and for future reference. If she is fully honest and serious about your marriage, it will be consistent with anything she says in the future
- If she does not admit to PA, id ask for a polygraph test - not so much for the results but for possibility of a parking lot confession and/or to let he understand how much this has hurt you
- She gives you access to all her social media accounts and you install software on her phone that gives you access to all texts, which she cannot delete. You will need to trust but verify - and right now you shouldnt even trust her at all. Depending on which phone company you have, you may be able to recover the deleted tests or there is certain software out there that will do the same.
- Tell family and friends. Its oneof the consequences of infidelity.
If she fails at any of this, have divorce papers ready to sign. Too many guys try to nice their wife out of an affair, but unfortunately it does not work. You have to stand up straight and lay it all on the line. And even then it is not guarantee that you can recover as a couple.
Do ultimatums like this really work in the long run though? Or even in the short term?
I can see how it would bring the issue to a head....but I think bandying the word divorce about is not wise, IMO. Once divorce is on the table, people seem to take it over doing necessary work to save a relationship. It seems the easier way to them.
On the other hand, I am not sure how to communicate that it is "me or him" without it being an ultimatum.
Obviously he should set boundaries....zero contact with the guy, defining this unequivocably as an affair (sex or not) and a betrayal, and having total transparency from now on.
However, lie detector tests (which are not even accurate), installing software, writing out a timeline....that's excessive and will push her to the divorce option. The timeline thing is very odd...he perhaps should know when thus began and ended, but too many details will just be damaging.
IMO, before they can work on rebuilding trust, she has to be reptenent and stop the affair. If he tosses out ultimatums and tries to control her, but she doesnt feel regret yet, then she will rebel further. He has to move her heart to feel sorrow over her actions. She needs to feel the full weight of her betrayal, the pain and humiliation it has caused, the damage to her marriage, etc. Reciprocal cheating is not the answer, but honest communication and pointed questions should help her to feel the damage she has caused. He needs to ask her stuff like, "Do you value our marriage?" . The word divorce doesnt have to be tossed out though, at least not until he is ready to accept it as a reality.
Do ultimatums like this really work in the long run though? Or even in the short term?
I can see how it would bring the issue to a head....but I think bandying the word divorce about is not wise, IMO. Once divorce is on the table, people seem to take it over doing necessary work to save a relationship. It seems the easier way to them.
On the other hand, I am not sure how to communicate that it is "me or him" without it being an ultimatum.
Obviously he should set boundaries....zero contact with the guy, defining this unequivocably as an affair (sex or not) and a betrayal, and having total transparency from now on.
However, lie detector tests (which are not even accurate), installing software, writing out a timeline....that's excessive and will push her to the divorce option. The timeline thing is very odd...he perhaps should know when thus began and ended, but too many details will just be damaging.
IMO, before they can work on rebuilding trust, she has to be reptenent and stop the affair. If he tosses out ultimatums and tries to control her, but she doesnt feel regret yet, then she will rebel further. He has to move her heart to feel sorrow over her actions. She needs to feel the full weight of her betrayal, the pain and humiliation it has caused, the damage to her marriage, etc. Reciprocal cheating is not the answer, but honest communication and pointed questions should help her to feel the damage she has caused. He needs to ask her stuff like, "Do you value our marriage?" . The word divorce doesnt have to be tossed out though, at least not until he is ready to accept it as a reality.
These are not ultimatums. These are consequences for the ultimate breach of trust, which most couples never recover from. If I was in this dudes shoes, I would be long gone.
The human male AND the human female are both hard-wired for serial monogamy. For a 20 year marriage to even get to that point without disruption let alone continue on to more meaningful Anniversaries requires uncommon amounts of love, affection, devotion, respect, compatibility and/or patience. Anyone who believes that the o.p. is blameless or deserves to be served his wife's head on a platter for her criminal actions is both misguided and also potentially at risk at having the same situation arise in their own relationship. In fact, some have had exactly that happen. But instead of learning the lessons the heartbreak only force them further to the Dark Side.
The poster who thinks the o.p. should receive a written apology from his wife complete with a timeline of her indiscretions which will then be distributed to family and friends, is hoping to live out a vicarious revenge that they were never able to enact in their own heartbreak. No one is owed the complete destruction of their mate's psyche as the price for infidelity. If you do that, what is left isn't worth continuing on with. But some men aren't proud. They would live with a woman they disfigured to make her unattractive to other men. They could live with a woman they broke mentally and wouldn't see the potential for future disaster that that might represent. I'm not believing that in 20 years the o.p. never considered an affair. There are ONLY two scenarios in which someone would never consider infidelity: 1.complete happiness and fulfillment 2. complete unworthiness and non-existent opportunity
The o.p. quickly shoots down any post that suggests that he had any part in how things got to this point and since that is the case, I for one wonders why he cares enough to carry on this discussion. Divorce and move on. My gut tells me that in this case a divorce would benefit the wife more than the o.p. Not just the finances. I'm going to Hell anyway so things can't be any worse if I wonder how well the o.p. has taken care of his core muscles or his hairline or his sense of humor.
Starting over is a beyotch. It is truly cheaper to keep her. Share her?
Location: In the state of Incommunicado, 20 miles west of Incognito.
5 posts, read 3,432 times
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Another case of a wife's inability to face responsibility for her own actions. Being accountable for one's own behavior and actions is a mark of adults, not children. Without sugarcoating the matter, you have choices:
A) Learn to live with your situation. Ideally sleep in different rooms, preferably far apart.
B) Start seeing someone else on the side. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
C) Begin divorce proceedings covertly. Studies show those who serve the other first come out ahead.
Since she has already dumped you emotionally, acting on options B and C simultaneously is in your best interest. The marriage basically died a while back but no one knew it. Get your affairs in order.
Good luck.
Last edited by LaffingNow; 10-15-2015 at 08:07 PM..
Another case of a wife's inability to face responsibility for her own actions. Being accountable for one's own behavior and actions is a mark of adults, not children. Without sugarcoating the matter, you have choices:
A) Learn to live with your situation. Ideally sleep in different rooms, preferably far apart.
B) Start seeing someone else on the side. What's good for the goose is good for the gander.
C) Begin divorce proceedings covertly. Studies show those who serve the other first come out ahead.
Since she has already dumped you emotionally, acting on options B and C simultaneously is in your best interest. The marriage basically died a while back but no one knew it. Get your affairs in order.
I... uh, might avoid the B before you get the C. You're going to paint some pictures for court, and you want yours to be more desirable.
Unless of course you're in a no fault state, in that case, hammer away, sport!
I confessed my EA to my husband because I didn't want him to go through what you are going through. She doesn't care about you enough to do that. You are right to be upset, she is being callous.
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