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Remaining faithful requires effort from both sides, Exponentially so as the years progress and we grow as Individuals outside of "marriage"
Take note that being "faithful" does not just refer to "sex"
No marriage is prefect as no person is perfect...this is why communication is so vital. We need to know where each other's heads are at so we are not only left with the option of reading signs and reading minds.
It's impossible to read every single little thing or know where another's mind is at all points in time. Having people who "get one another" eliminates some of the guess work, but it will never totally eliminate it.
It requires the input of two people to have a consensus
This is what your MC will Hopfully be able to get the both of you to get back on the path to. It's going to require you both step up and be honest with who you are "now" as people.
Last edited by rego00123; 07-22-2015 at 02:28 AM..
Sorry you're going through this OP. I've been there too. Personally, I think the emotional affair was harder to forgive than if he had ****ed some random woman. We were eventually able to move past it because he came and confessed it to me (although I kind of had an idea), and he cut off contact with her on his own; there was no way in hell I was going to "make" him choose me over her. It got ugly after he ended it because she started stalking him, but eventually she stopped and moved away.
Listen up if she is deleting messages, she knows in her own mind that if you saw their contents things would be over. Chances are her and the new guy have already done the deed and crossed the line on numerous times. You need to start planning for protecting your assets should divorce come. Depending on what state you are in, she could get alimony to help support her new life with the new music guy.
Your spouse is it what is commonly referred to as a FOG. There is no WAY out of this without a NO CONTACT rule. If she cannot comply and agree to have NO CONTACT with this individual, your marriage will not survive. Sorry!
I'd tell her she is welcome to leave. She can leave to pursue her "true love". However, you will retain the kids and the house and she can pay child support. You're upset because she prefers to be with someone else. Who wouldn't be upset. If that what she wants, let her go, but with the restrictions I mentioned.
Mod cut.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 07-22-2015 at 12:17 PM..
Reason: Gross generalizations.
i think as woman it can be a little tricky to decipher emotional boundaries compared to physical ones. its a slippery slope and I will say it really makes us women have to be snot's. I had a situation where the guy would always sit by me, text me questions and seemingly innocent stuff, etc; and my husband also wasn't having it (when he brought it to attention I realized how inappropriate it was-but like I said its a slippery, sneaky ordeal) so I made a point to purposely avoid him. It's not in most women's nature to be mean like that but I told myself this guy is not worth messing my marriage up.
You need to explain to your wife- without pulling your emotions into this, that what's she doing is putting a huge blockade in your marriage and she needs to stop toying with the line.
I'm not saying this is not your wife's fault but rather sometimes it's hard to see these things when they sneak up on you.
Don't beat yourself up. Be the best you, you can be and that's all you can do.
I am amazed at how many people are trying to shift the entire blame to the OP! What the??? Yeah it takes 2 people to muck things up, but at some point one of them crossed the line, and it's pretty easy to see it wasn't the dude.
Look I went through something really similar not long ago, possibly a bit worse. Did the counseling. She dropped out. At that point it was affecting my health and job performance so I finally had to convince myself to disconnect and move on.
At some point you have to start thinking about yourself because she has already checked out and left you behind.
Your wife is having an EA, and despite you finding out, she continues it. Sorry to say, you allow her to continue it. Chances are, any issues you guys may have in your marriage are equally yours and hers 50/50, but her deciding to have an affair is 100% on her, so dont listen to clueless people telling you otherwise. If i were in your shoes, id set the record straight and tell my wife that her affair is over, she is to write a no contact letter to the OM and cease all communication. Moreover, she or he has to quit the music group, its a small consequence for infedility. Her other option is to sign the divorce papers. Id then implement a hard 180, and take care of my own well being. MC is pointless at a point where her affair still continues, she is in a fog. Once the over is verifiably over, and she is willing to accept responsibility for her crappy behavior and be willing to do the heavy lifting ti rebuild your trust, id then look for a counseler who specializes in infidelity.
You have to regain her respect at any cost. If she doesnt respect you, your marriage is toast. If she doesnt face dire consequences for her EA, same result. If you want to save your marriage, you must first be willing to lose it.
Dare I say I'm in agreement with the above poster?!
Quote:
Originally Posted by rego00123
Remaining faithful requires effort from both sides, Exponentially so as the years progress and we grow as Individuals outside of "marriage"
Take note that being "faithful" does not just refer to "sex"
No marriage is prefect as no person is perfect...this is why communication is so vital. We need to know where each other's heads are at so we are not only left with the option of reading signs and reading minds.
It's impossible to read every single little thing or know where another's mind is at all points in time. Having people who "get one another" eliminates some of the guess work, but it will never totally eliminate it.
It requires the input of two people to have a consensus
This is what your MC will Hopfully be able to get the both of you to get back on the path to. It's going to require you both step up and be honest with who you are "now" as people.
I think what's missing here is what the marriage counselor has said about the relationship and what both parties have to work on. Until the OP reveals more about that, we really can't assess the situation. I'm sensing a lot of dysfunction on both sides, frankly.
The wife thinks what she's doing is ok, and it's clearly not. There's a lot of dishonesty on her part beyond the emotional infidelity. But we've got an OP who came on here with the idea that he was joining a support group and not a discussion board, and who isn't providing us much in the way of details beyond all the ways his wife wronged him. We have no real sense of what their relationship is like.
I kind of get where ScarletG is coming from as I have a friend who suddenly had her marriage declared "over" by her husband. She's been nothing but devoted over the years, while he has expected her to cater to his hangups and neuroses as if it was perfectly reasonable. If you talked to him, he'd tell you she was the one who wasn't pulling her weight in the relationship and that there was nothing unreasonable about his expectations (like never participating in any sort of social occasion with her friends or her family - I've been one of her closest friends for 15 years, and I only ever saw him at their wedding). If anyone should have had an emotional affair, it's my friend. But she's not that kind of person. What I'm saying though is that while it would have been wrong, it would have been UNDERSTANDABLE. She has been isolated and jerked around by this guy for over a decade.
At the same time, I have a friend who was treated horribly by his wife (who full-on cheated on him) throughout the course of their marriage while he struggled to support her emotionally and build a life with her. With both of my friends, mainly where I think they went wrong is that they accepted their partner's dysfunctional behavior for too long and didn't just walk away at the beginning.
So with the OP's story, we've got a wife (who out of the blue?) starts an emotional affair and lashes out at her husband after 20 years together, and a husband who has so far only admitted to the fact that he didn't kiss and hug her enough. Sorry, but we can't offer a reasonable assessment because we really don't know anything. She COULD be a soul-sucking borderline personality who has had unreasonable expectations all her life and wants only to be catered to, or the OP could be a narcissistic cold fish who hasn't provided her with any sort of emotional feedback or appreciation during their entire relationship. We don't know. More likely, it's something in between, but we don't know.
[snip] I am amazed at how many people are trying to shift the entire blame to the OP! What the??? Yeah it takes 2 people to muck things up, but at some point one of them crossed the line, and it's pretty easy to see it wasn't the dude.
Look I went through something really similar not long ago, possibly a bit worse. Did the counseling. She dropped out. At that point it was affecting my health and job performance so I finally had to convince myself to disconnect and move on.
At some point you have to start thinking about yourself because she has already checked out and left you behind.
Its not only this forum though. Its our entire society that has been feminized to the point where women aren't held accountable for their actions, and the blame is always shifted on a man, no more how ridiculous it sounds. Its very sad and very telling. What you see here, is only 1 example of that and perfectly mirrors what is seen in everyday life.
Last edited by PJSaturn; 07-22-2015 at 12:14 PM..
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