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Old 07-24-2015, 09:31 AM
 
Location: European Union
176 posts, read 189,031 times
Reputation: 287

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I don't know the divorce statistics, but I think that people's expectations in a partner and a relationship have changed. It's almost as if we'd expect to meet someone no less than perfect. Partners must be attractive and maintain themselves that way, emotionally mature, not insecure (god forbid), intelectually stimulating, must have a proper job, not carry lots of emotional baggage from previous relationships, have passions but make us their priority, their family should not interfere, stay healthy, be generous and romantic, keep the flame, have a social life, sense of humour, sex life should be mind blowing, etc. It doesn't seem as a lot to ask, but I think it is, because life can be tough sometimes, for some people more than for others, and as soon as one feels a bit unhappy with things, they are often encouraged by others to either work on improving their relationship or cut things, because they can do so much better. As if next person wouldn't have their own issues that will surface too and need to be integrated in the relationship.

I find it very selfish when people have a good relationship but can't adapt to its different stages in time and decide to get divorced, even if they have children, and I don't mean abusive relationships, just normal ones that have their ups and downs. One of the biggest lies of our time is that children will be happier not having their parents together, if mommy and daddy are happy again. What happened with ''for better or for worse''? These words speak the truth about love relationships and marriages, but most people chose to ignore that there will be problems too, big problems sometimes, and that this is normal, it's just life.
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Old 07-24-2015, 10:29 AM
 
2,362 posts, read 1,914,819 times
Reputation: 4724
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlazingStars View Post
I don't know the divorce statistics, but I think that people's expectations in a partner and a relationship have changed. It's almost as if we'd expect to meet someone no less than perfect. Partners must be attractive and maintain themselves that way, emotionally mature, not insecure (god forbid), intelectually stimulating, must have a proper job, not carry lots of emotional baggage from previous relationships, have passions but make us their priority, their family should not interfere, stay healthy, be generous and romantic, keep the flame, have a social life, sense of humour, sex life should be mind blowing, etc. It doesn't seem as a lot to ask, but I think it is, because life can be tough sometimes, for some people more than for others, and as soon as one feels a bit unhappy with things, they are often encouraged by others to either work on improving their relationship or cut things, because they can do so much better. As if next person wouldn't have their own issues that will surface too and need to be integrated in the relationship.

I find it very selfish when people have a good relationship but can't adapt to its different stages in time and decide to get divorced, even if they have children, and I don't mean abusive relationships, just normal ones that have their ups and downs. One of the biggest lies of our time is that children will be happier not having their parents together, if mommy and daddy are happy again. What happened with ''for better or for worse''? These words speak the truth about love relationships and marriages, but most people chose to ignore that there will be problems too, big problems sometimes, and that this is normal, it's just life.
I agree with this...staying together for the kids is not a horrible idea, unless the parents are so selfish they cant get it together

this is why we are separated and not divorced yet...I am hoping separation is the proverbial slap upside the head my wife needs...it seems to have worked a little...and our young kids don't know whats going on
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Old 07-24-2015, 10:40 AM
 
14,376 posts, read 18,316,038 times
Reputation: 43047
I think it's more that marriage is all too common. I see people who have no business getting married tying the knot all the time. And sure enough, things fall apart a few years later.

We need a life skills course that teaches from a young age how to recognize and build a healthy relationship, along with things like managing personal finances and planning for retirement.

It's not that values have deteriorated or "parents aren't doing their job" entirely - it's also that we live in a far more complex world, and it's not just about survival anymore. Finances, relationships, health, retirement - they are all far more complicated than they were in my grandparents' time or even in my parents' time.
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Old 07-24-2015, 11:40 AM
 
Location: Middle of the valley
48,426 posts, read 34,609,506 times
Reputation: 73534
I just skimmed Nald's links but it looked like it supported that divorce is still declining, for whatever reason.

Marriages down? Good! Should be, women used to all but HAVE to get married, and guys were expected to.

Now we all have options, and that's a great thing. A lot of people don't really settle into their "selves" until 30s or so anyway, so getting married later is wise. Living together is now common, so people have that route to go.

I think the trends look good overall, and I'm happy to live in a time where people can form the type of relationships they want, when they want it.
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Old 07-24-2015, 11:43 AM
 
3,350 posts, read 2,839,956 times
Reputation: 2258
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
I just skimmed Nald's links but it looked like it supported that divorce is still declining, for whatever reason.

Marriages down? Good! Should be, women used to all but HAVE to get married, and guys were expected to.

Now we all have options, and that's a great thing. A lot of people don't really settle into their "selves" until 30s or so anyway, so getting married later is wise. Living together is now common, so people have that route to go.

I think the trends look good overall, and I'm happy to live in a time where people can form the type of relationships they want, when they want it.
Good points.!
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Old 07-24-2015, 11:57 AM
 
Location: NY
9,131 posts, read 19,939,093 times
Reputation: 11706
I am not too comfortable generalizing that divorce is hurting children because the parents should stick it out. There is plenty out there that shows kids suffer a lot when living in a household where the parents have a very toxic relationship going on.

At best, I would say the situation is very dynamic and will vary greatly from couple to couple.

I cannot think of a single couple who I have known that would have been able to "stay together for the sake of the kids" and be able to provide a secure, stable, and loving home environment that set the right examples and role models for the kids to learn life lessons from. There is plenty out there that show kids are not better off when the parents stick it out in a toxic relationship.

If reconciliation is possible, that is different. I do not see it being possible all too often once a split/divorce reaches a certain stage.
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Old 07-24-2015, 12:06 PM
 
3,350 posts, read 2,839,956 times
Reputation: 2258
Quote:
Originally Posted by Checkered24 View Post
I am not too comfortable generalizing that divorce is hurting children because the parents should stick it out. There is plenty out there that shows kids suffer a lot when living in a household where the parents have a very toxic relationship going on.

At best, I would say the situation is very dynamic and will vary greatly from couple to couple.

I cannot think of a single couple who I have known that would have been able to "stay together for the sake of the kids" and be able to provide a secure, stable, and loving home environment that set the right examples and role models for the kids to learn life lessons from. There is plenty out there that show kids are not better off when the parents stick it out in a toxic relationship.

If reconciliation is possible, that is different. I do not see it being possible all too often once a split/divorce reaches a certain stage.
My dad is child of divorce. My grandfather was around for my dad. Sometimes people are very bitter with the divorce. Some parents just punished their ex.
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Old 07-24-2015, 12:40 PM
 
Location: State of Transition
102,119 posts, read 107,341,279 times
Reputation: 115942
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mikala43 View Post
I just skimmed Nald's links but it looked like it supported that divorce is still declining, for whatever reason.

Marriages down? Good! Should be, women used to all but HAVE to get married, and guys were expected to.

Now we all have options, and that's a great thing. A lot of people don't really settle into their "selves" until 30s or so anyway, so getting married later is wise. Living together is now common, so people have that route to go.

I think the trends look good overall, and I'm happy to live in a time where people can form the type of relationships they want, when they want it.
Good point. There were few career opp'ties for women, so marriage was their "career".
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Old 07-24-2015, 12:46 PM
 
Location: Middle America
37,409 posts, read 53,401,854 times
Reputation: 53067
Quote:
Originally Posted by Checkered24 View Post
I am not too comfortable generalizing that divorce is hurting children because the parents should stick it out. There is plenty out there that shows kids suffer a lot when living in a household where the parents have a very toxic relationship going on.

At best, I would say the situation is very dynamic and will vary greatly from couple to couple.

I cannot think of a single couple who I have known that would have been able to "stay together for the sake of the kids" and be able to provide a secure, stable, and loving home environment that set the right examples and role models for the kids to learn life lessons from. There is plenty out there that show kids are not better off when the parents stick it out in a toxic relationship.

If reconciliation is possible, that is different. I do not see it being possible all too often once a split/divorce reaches a certain stage.
I wouldn't be comfortable generalizing ANYthing about divorce being better for kids or not better for them, no matter what. It's ultimately case-by-case, and a dysfunctional home with two parents is still a dysfunctional home with two parents, and not somehow healthy simply because nobody left. Not by a long shot.
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Old 07-24-2015, 02:51 PM
 
Location: European Union
176 posts, read 189,031 times
Reputation: 287
Quote:
Originally Posted by lucky2balive View Post
I agree with this...staying together for the kids is not a horrible idea, unless the parents are so selfish they cant get it together

this is why we are separated and not divorced yet...I am hoping separation is the proverbial slap upside the head my wife needs...it seems to have worked a little...and our young kids don't know whats going on
I hope all works out for you, your wife and your children.
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