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I recently found out that my boyfriend has gotten 3 ex's pregnant. (Note, he doesn't have any children...all of the pregnancies ended.)
About a year in to our relationship I found out about 1 of these incidences. It stung pretty deeply and I was hurt, especially because it happened right when we first met, and pregnancy is a big deal to me. I'm not completely accurate about the timing but I think something like a month in to our relationship was when he found out she was pregnant. Anyway, we spoke about it, he told me the person didn't mean anything, etc etc, time went on and I got over it.
Fast forward a year. Now we are just over 2 years in to our relationship and moving in to our first apartment together. I find out that he has also gotten his 2 ex's pregnant. He added that they "weren't exactly accidents" but "not planned". Also, they were when he was younger. Note: these 2 ex's were long-term relationships.
Now, here we are talking about marriage and having children together. This is what's hurting me:
1) he was careless enough to let this happen not 1 or 2, but 3 times (that I know of)
2) thinking about what this says about me. He talks about his ex's like they were the worst thing for him, however he was thinking about having a child with them. What makes me so different that he ACTUALLY wants to have a child with me?
3) If and when I do get pregnant with this man's child, it will be a first for me, and the most precious part of life, and he will have already been through this. Will I be able to let it go? Will I be on the table getting a sonogram thinking about this?
Please, if anyone can give me their perspective on this, I would really appreciate it. Am I out of line for being upset over this? I'm a very deep feeler with deep emotions but I'm also a level headed professional who's got her "stuff" together. Just a side note for perspective - we're in our early 30s.
He was young and foolish? He said they were not planned, but were not accidents. That sounds like he was just lax about birth control. It doesn't sound like he was trying to have kids with any of his exes.
Plenty of people who have slipped up and been lax about birth control when they were young and impulsive may have caused any number of eggs to be fertilized that either never implanted or did not stay implanted long enough for anyone to register a positive pregnancy test.
I'm not sure why you're concerned about this specific element of his past unless he's exhibiting signs of irresponsible behavior now.
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I recently found out that my boyfriend has gotten 3 ex's pregnant. (Note, he doesn't have any children...all of the pregnancies ended.)
About a year in to our relationship I found out about 1 of these incidences. It stung pretty deeply and I was hurt, especially because it happened right when we first met, and pregnancy is a big deal to me. I'm not completely accurate about the timing but I think something like a month in to our relationship was when he found out she was pregnant. Anyway, we spoke about it, he told me the person didn't mean anything, etc etc, time went on and I got over it.
Fast forward a year. Now we are just over 2 years in to our relationship and moving in to our first apartment together. I find out that he has also gotten his 2 ex's pregnant. He added that they "weren't exactly accidents" but "not planned". Also, they were when he was younger. Note: these 2 ex's were long-term relationships.
Now, here we are talking about marriage and having children together. This is what's hurting me:
1) he was careless enough to let this happen not 1 or 2, but 3 times (that I know of)
2) thinking about what this says about me. He talks about his ex's like they were the worst thing for him, however he was thinking about having a child with them. What makes me so different that he ACTUALLY wants to have a child with me?
3) If and when I do get pregnant with this man's child, it will be a first for me, and the most precious part of life, and he will have already been through this. Will I be able to let it go? Will I be on the table getting a sonogram thinking about this?
Please, if anyone can give me their perspective on this, I would really appreciate it. Am I out of line for being upset over this? I'm a very deep feeler with deep emotions but I'm also a level headed professional who's got her "stuff" together. Just a side note for perspective - we're in our early 30s.
Thank you.
You have already allowed the past to cloud your future. You should seriously reconsider moving in together and staying with this man.
It appears you don't trust him right now and that trust may not come back.
Apparently your "stuff" isn't completely together or you would already know what you need to do for yourself and what is the right decision in your life.
Please, if anyone can give me their perspective on this, I would really appreciate it. Am I out of line for being upset over this? I'm a very deep feeler with deep emotions but I'm also a level headed professional who's got her "stuff" together. Just a side note for perspective - we're in our early 30s.
Thank you.
I could not stay with a person who was so careless that he got three chicks pregnant. That means he didn't learn to wear a rubber the first time. Add to that, he has little to no thought of human life, and I consider that heinous. At the very least, those pregnancies could have resulted in adopted children to people who can't get pregnant.
Your boyfriend is an assclown. Get on birth control before he knocks you up and insists you have an abortion or leaves you.
Add to that, he has little to no thought of human life, and I consider that heinous. At the very least, those pregnancies could have resulted in adopted children to people who can't get pregnant.
In all fairness, the only information given at this point is "the pregnancies ended."
He was young and foolish? He said they were not planned, but were not accidents. That sounds like he was just lax about birth control. It doesn't sound like he was trying to have kids with any of his exes.
Plenty of people who have slipped up and been lax about birth control when they were young and impulsive may have caused any number of eggs to be fertilized that either never implanted or did not stay implanted long enough for anyone to register a positive pregnancy test.
I'm not sure why you're concerned about this specific element of his past unless he's exhibiting signs of irresponsible behavior now.
This is what I was going to say... people screw up, make mistakes, etc. It sounds like he regrets the past too. How long ago was this? He's in hsi 30s now, was this just a few years ago, a decade ago, high school? That's important as well as he could have grown up a lot in this time. Also, I will note what's important is how is he "now." Has he changed?
But at the same time, the OP obviously has an issue with it. It might be worth it to talk in depth about it to your boyfriend. Sounds like you already talked a little and nothing is hidden (and that's good). Maybe a good couple's counselor can get you jump started on how to discuss it... or maybe OP, you yourself can go talk to someone. It might help you sort out your feelings. Good luck.
3) If and when I do get pregnant with this man's child, it will be a first for me, and the most precious part of life, and he will have already been through this. Will I be able to let it go? Will I be on the table getting a sonogram thinking about this?
What has he been through, other than being notified of the pregnancies? If none of the three pregnancies ended in babies, he hasn't been through a pregnancy.
What makes me so different that he ACTUALLY wants to have a child with me?
What makes anyone who becomes a spouse different than all the exes before? Every relationship is different.
However, in your shoes, I would be on the Pill. I would not risk any pregnancies before I'm married. And I would get tested for STDs, because it's obvious he has ridden bareback on a number of occasions.
Although you certainly put a lot of importance on pregnancy, try to also keep it in perspective. These events were in his past, and are his baggage, but they do not automatically make him less of an important person to you now. Judge his heart through his current actions. How he treats you. How much importance he puts on you. Things of that nature.
His reactions to a pregnancy years ago, which was a slip up, might be extremely different than his reactions to a pregnancy he wants with you in a loving relationship too. So too might be how he speaks about you compared to an ex. An Ex is an ex for a reason, and often the circumstances surrounding the reason for breakup or actual breakup are not too good and will lead to people speaking of exes in not the most flattering of terms.
Also, remember people are not static. People learn from their past and sometimes change and mature too. Who someone was in the past does not make them automatically the same person in the future.
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